Woods blasts wife for using wrong club

After several days of silence, golfer Tiger woods has issued a statement criticisising his wife, Elin Nordegren, for choosing a Nike SQ DYMO 380 (10.5 degrees; with a Mitsubishi Diamana Whiteboard 83g shaft) to beat him following a domestic dispute.

"A golfer's wife has certain responsibilities, and Elin was remis in choosing this particular club," said Woods through a spokesperson. "Tiger feels that either the Nike SQ II 15° 3-wood with Mitsubishi Diamana Blueboard or the Nike SQ II 19° 5-Wood would have been more appropriate, and also more effective."

"Tiger hopes that Elin will overlook his understandable error in pursuing what he now refers to as 'extramarital holes in one' and agrees that if she forgives his error then he will forgive her for her poor choice of club. As a professional, Tiger is proud that has always used the corrct club in every appropriate situation with both extramarital partners and with Elin."

Turkish genocide story corrected

Yesterday's story in The Wolf Report erroneously reported that an estimated 45 million Turks had been killed by Americans during an attack on Turkey.

The story should have stated that an estimated 45 million turkeys had been eaten by Americans during Thanksgiving.

The Wolf Report regrets having made this mistake, even though it's an easy one to make when a country names itself after a bird.

'The' wins again as Wolf Report Article of Year

For the sixth consecutive year, 'the' has won The W0lf Report's Article of the Year award.

"Despite a strong showing this year by both 'a' and 'an,' said the Founder, Publisher, and Editor in Chief of The Wolf Report, 'the' continues to be our readers' favorite article."

Other winners in The Wolf Report's annual contest include 'was' as Best Verb in a Short Article, and 'torture' as Noun of the Year.

Man patents and copyrights own genome; sues children for infringement

In a world where the costs of genetic sequencing have plummetted, almost anyone can afford to sequence a complicated genome. And in world where lawsuits over intellectual property voilations abound, almost anyone can afford to sue for a property right violation. Abner J. Dilworth has taken advantages of these developments, becoming the first individual to sequence his own genome, copyright the text of his own DNA, patent his own genes, and to sue his own children for using his intellectual property without a license.

"The little bastards have been using my genes without permission since the day that they were conceived," said Dilworth, "and I mean to see that they pay."

The lawsuit has been filed simultaneously in places where Dilworth alleges that either the illegal copying took place or where the copies are currently being used, including Massachusetts, California, Florida, North Dakota, and the back seat of a 1976 Chevrolet. The suit alleges patent violation, copyright violation, and theft of intellectual property. The suit also asks for an injunction against any further sexual activity on the part of any of his children on grounds that such activity "may result in further copying of the unlicensed intellectual property, even if steps have been taken to prevent or reduce the liklihood of such copies being made."

Faceless bureaucrats reject health-care plans

The American Association of Faceless Bureaucrats (AAFB) have completed their long-awaited evalution of the health-care proposals wending their way through Congress. Their conclusion: "Denied!"

"We faceless bureaucrats have been denying health-care requests for years as part of a market-based, free-enterprise, entrepreneurial, and essentially American system of faceless bureaucracy," said an anonymous spokesperson for the AAFB. "If we accepted any of these proposals, we'd co-opted into a new Federal faceless bureaucracy system. That would require change, which we oppose, while leaving many things the same, which we also oppose."

"So in the tradition of our profession, and based on our years of training and experience, our decision is simple."

"Request denied."

Obama endorses breathing; Republicans oppose it

President Barack Obama today endorsed breathing as "a healthy activity for all Americans." In his weekly radio address he stated: "Breathing has been shown to keep people healthy, and breathing is one way every American can help keep health care costs under control."

Response was immediate and harsh.

Twelve Republican senators have vowed to hold their breaths in protest until Obama announces that people who choose not to breathe have the same rights as those who breathe.

"More hypocricy from the Left," said commentator Glen Beck. "Obama claims to be concerned about so-called global warming despite questions raised by scientists. At the same he time he encourages a practice that all scientists agree turns health-giving oxygen into a colorless, odorless gas that can kill people and animals in high concentrations and which is one of the primary causes of global warming, assuming that global warming really exists rather than being a Socialist plot to further limit our rights and expand government."

The White House has chosen not to comment, but was observed snickering.

Halloween release agreeement protects against lawsuits

Worried about your legal exposure this Halloween? You should be.

Halloween has not only become the United States' second largest celebration--only Christmas is bigger--it has also become largest single cause of civil lawsuits, according to Jon Holloway, a Holiday Liability Consultant in Boston, Massachusetts who says that Halloween has now moved moved ahead of both icy steps and vicious dogs as a cause of lawsuits.

But there's a remedy to exposure: “By having each child who comes to your door execute a simple agreement,” says Hallowell, "householders can not only protect themselves, but also protect the children who come to visit.”

With Hallowell’s permission, The Wolf Report has provided its readers with a recommended form of agreement for their use. Readers may freely reproduce and use the agreement, providing that they’ve signed the The Wolf Report Halloween Liability Use Agreement, that will be provided at some future time.

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Halloween Liability Agreement

This Halloween Liability Agreement ("Agreement") is entered into by and between ___ _________ ("Trick Or Treater") residing at <child address>_______________________ and("Treater") ____________ dispensing candies, apples and other edibles (“Treats”) at in order to celebrate together certain rites of the secular holiday of Halloween.

WHEREAS: Trick Or Treater has donned a festive costume in hope of eliciting Treats from the Treater; and

WHEREAS: Treater has selected suitable (in Treater’s sole judgment) Treats to be distributed to Trick Or Treaters wearing sufficiently creative costumes (in Treater’s sole judgment) , or who are sufficiently intimidating (in Treater’s sole judgment) to warrant bribery with Treats as a protection against acts of vandalism (“Tricks”);

NOW THEREFORE the parties agree as follows:

1. Treater warrants that Treater and Treater’s agents have taken reasonable precautions to prevent nuts, products containing nuts, or products with a likelihood of having been contaminated by nuts (“Nutty Products”) from being included in the Treats.
2. Trick Or Treater understands and agrees that no such effort can be entirely certain and that despite Treater’s reasonable efforts, the Treat may contain Nutty Products or other products which provoke an allergic reaction for Trick Or Treater or other parties with whom Trick or Treater might share the Treat (“Sharers”).
3. Trick Or Treater agrees to notify Treater of any other allergy or condition which may be exacerbated by consumption or contact with a Treat, as defined herein, by attaching a separate Exhibit: “List of Allergies or Conditions.”
4. Treater agrees to review any such Exhibit and make reasonable efforts to notify Trick or Treater of any substance in the Treat that may affect Trick Or Treater.
5. In consideration of this Agreement and any Treats that may be given by Treater to Trick Or Treater under this Agreement, Trick Or Treater agrees to indemnify and hold harmless Treater from any action initiated on behalf of Trick Or Treater or any Sharer to whom Treater has conveyed any part of the Treat, providing said action arises from the Treat, or any of the circumstances of delivery of the Treat, including but not limited to icy steps or vicious dogs.

T AAgreed to this 31 Day of October 2009

Trick Or Treater _____________________ ________________________________________
(signed) (print name, if able to write)

Treater ______________________ _______________________________________
(signed) (print name)

Afghans import hanging chad

The governement of Afghanistand, confronted with evidence that its presidential election was "blantantly and obviously stolen" has ordered nearly 6 million units of hanging chad, to be used in the upcoming presidential recount.

"Faced with international criticism," said Selim Karzai, cousin to Afghan Presient Hamid Karzai, and chairman of the electoral fraud commitee, "we felt that we would need to steal the next election in a more subtle and sophisticated way. "

After studying numerous stolen elections the commitee hired former Presiential advisor Karl Rove, who recommended using the time-tested hanging chad method. Becuase of the high demand for hanging chad, the order had to be placed before a believable method of attaching the chad to an Afghan ballot (shown in illustration) could be perfected.

Obama innaugurated, nothing changes

More than 50 minutes after Barack Obama took the Presidential oath of office, nothing has changed, according to an exclusive report by The Wolf Report political analyst Daniel Volkmeister.

"This is a bad sign," said Volkmeister. "With expectations running so high, and a campaign built on the need for change, I expected Obama to have already done something. Instead, he wasted the first eighteen minutes of his presidency giving a speech, then sat back and listened to other people talking."

According to administration insiders, Obama may take more than an hour navigating the short distance from the Capitol to the White House. 

"It's only a few blocks," said O'Brien. "I could do it in a couple of minutes. A President who really meant to make changes would be down there already. He's certainly off to a bad start."

Obamibilia jumpstarting the economy

Economists believe that the fast-growing Obamabilia segment--defined by the Department of Commerce as including “any business which manufactures, markets, sells delivers, maintains, or supports Barack Obama memorabilia”--may alone be able to jumpstart the world economy.  

A few years ago Obamabilia was bought only by a few family members and friends in Chicago, Hawaii, Indonesia and Kenya. They bought a few T-shirts or key chains at a time, mostly as jokes. Today an industry has grown that keeps plants running twenty-four hours a day around the world. The segment already employs more than a million workers in the US alone. It’s expected to grow to nearly five million over the next two years.

Not only is the number of companies that Commerce includes in the Obamabilia segment growing rapidly, but their products are expanding in volume, and changing in quality and character as well: from a few companies who manufactured the occasional Obama-branded trinket along with publishers and booksellers for the his first book—which sold poorly until his keynote speech; to a larger set of companies now manufacturing millions of articles of clothing, mugs, glasses, coasters, ornaments, as well as tens of millions bumper stickers, yard signs, and campaign apparel; to publishers, churning out millions of copies of his books, as well books and magazines written about him and written against him; to companies selling commemorative plates, coins, trophies and medallions. 

The latest wave of expansion includes companies working to get contracts to develop Obama branded highways, buildings, and bridges; and even new military hardware—for example, a rebranded B1B called the Obamabomber.

Countries all over the world, are developing their own Obamabilia segments both to meet the needs of their own markets and to increase exports to the United States. “Yes we can” sweatshirts, for example, are available in more than 200 languages and dialects.

“Within six months,” says John Stern, who has tracked the Obamabilia market from its beginning, “one in every three Americans will have a full-time job making, delivering or servicing Obamabilia”

“This is good news for America.”