Fan Reveals God's Deal: Snow for Super Bowl Win

Deal with fan gives Pats Super Bowl
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The snowstorms that have been rocking New England are the result of the deal that a New England Patriots fan says he made with God: the Pats win the Super Bowl and God gets to dump an undisclosed, but very large, amount of snow on New England.

"I don't know why the fuck God would want to make a deal like that," said the fan, "but I'm not going to question God's ways. Not with the fucking Super Bowl on the line."

According to the fan, he first heard what was later identified as God's voice right after Tom Brady threw the go-ahead touchdown. "I shout out 'Oh my God! We're going to win!' " he said. "And then I hear this voice in my head and it goes: 'You win only if I say you win."

"And I'm like: 'Who the fuck are you?' And that's when the voice goes: 'I am God.' And then it goes 'Remember the head catch!'

"And I'm scared, partly because I've got a voice talking in my head and partly because I'm looking at the picture that's burned into my brain of David Tyree, a Giants player who nobody ever fucking heard of before or since the '94 Super Bowl, killing the Pats by catching the ball against his head in the last minute of the game. And against Rodney Harrison. How is that fucking possible?

"And the voice goes: 'With God and the Super Bowl, all things are possible.'

"And I go: 'What do you want?' And the voice goes: 'Make me an offer.'

"So I'm really freaked out but I do what any Pats fan would do: I offer my first born son.

"But the voice says, no. It says that it's got too many first born sons to even count. Which is lucky, because I really love my kid. But you know, it is the Super Bowl. And he's a Pats fan, so he'd have understood.

"I'm trying to figure out what I can offer, and the voice keeps telling me what's going to happen on the next play, and keeps calling them exactly, and making demands, and then we're back and forth negotiating, and I find out I'm negotiating against some goddamn Seattle fan, and I end up offering to have God dump a ridiculous shitload of snow if the Pats win, and the voice says 'Done!' and Malcolm Butler intercepts and it's over!

"We win!!!

"To anyone who's not a Pats fan, and has to suffer through the snow and doesn't give a shit who won the Super Bowl, I did the best I could.

"I'm sorry, but God drives a hard bargain.

"To all the rest of you: Go Pats!"

The NFL is investigating supernatural Super Bowl intervention

Another NFL investigation begins (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

After finding a Pete Carroll doll with a pin in its head in the New England Patriots locker room, the NFL has launched an investigation to determine whether the practice violated league rules. The pin was placed in the part of the brain that experts say is used to make play calling decisions. It may explain Carroll's decision to call the play that led to rookie Malcolm Butler's last minute, game-saving interception.

Nearly 30% of Americans believe that God has a hand in determining the winners of football games. and NFL rules do not forbid players, coaches, or fans from praying for supernatural intervention. "Praying," said one league official , "is encouraged, though not required. We believe that everyone, including atheists, should enjoy our games."

Many games have been won by 'miracle' plays. Some believe that this is the result of prayer. Others believe that God just likes to show off on Sundays.

The doll found in the Patriots locker room raises questions about other kinds of supernatural intervention in football. "Look at [New England Quarterback Tom]  Brady," said one fan. "The guy is 37 and he looks younger than quarterbacks who are half his age. It's obvious that someone's made some kind of deal to get him eternal youth."

An earlier investigation into David Tyree's 'head catch' in the 2008 Super Bowl turned up inconclusive evidence that New York Giants' coach Tom Coughlin had sacrificed chickens and goats to get the win. "There was a lot of animal blood in the Giants' locker room after the game," said an official who was involved in the investigation, "but that's pretty common after games, and wasn't enough to prove anything."

Seperately the NFL is investigating whether or not Patriots Coach Bill Belichick has a soul.

Satan, who is rumored to make deals for eternal youth in exchange for souls, was unavailable for comment.

Patriots Super Bowl plan may be illegal

Head coach Bill Belichick of the New England Patriots watches the preseason game against the Washington Redskins at FedExField on August 28, 2009 in Landover, Maryland. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The New England Patriots plan for winning the Super Bowl may turn out to violate the rules of football.

Until two weeks ago no one noticed that during the Belichick era, from 2000 to the present, every time the New England Patriots have won a game they've done it the same way: by scoring more points than their opponents.  If they try the same thing in this year's Super Bowl, observers say, they may not get away with it.

Winning by scoring more points than your opponent is "not exactly cheating," said an NFL official. "It may be another case of Belichick bending the rules of football to give his team an advantage."

On several occasions opposing teams beat the Patriots in both the yards of offense and time of possession categories, and yet ended up losing the game just because the Patriots scored more points.

"Technically this may be legal, but given that Belichick's doing it, many of us think that it might be a questionable way of winning.

"And if the Patriots win the Super Bowl using this tactic, you can bet that the Rules Committee will be considering some changes for the 2016 season.

Quantum entangled deflated footballs explain why Colts scored only seven points

New England Patriots logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Footballs that are under inflated are easier to grip, catch, and carry. They might have helped New England quarterback Tom Brady throw more accurate passes; they might have made it easier for his receivers to catch them; and they might have decreased the possibility that New England ball carriers fumbled. In sum, ignoring talent, practice, effort, and play calling, the balls alone might explain New England's scoring 45 points.

But they don't explain why Indianapolis scored only seven points. To put it in perspective, that's a score so low that even the Green Bay Packers would have beaten them.

But Thomas Wheeler, an Indianapolis quantum physicist, believes that he's solved the mystery. The the Indianapolis footballs became quantum entangled with the deflated New England fooballs.

Quantum entanglement is a physical phenomenon that occurs when pairs or groups of particles interact in ways that cause them to no longer behave independently. Scientists have been applying quantum entanglement to solve problems in computing, cryptography and even teleportation, but all prior efforts have involved small numbers of entangled atomic particles, usually just a pair at a time. No one has entangled anything as large a football.

Nonetheless, Wheeler insists, Patriots coach Bill Belichick who is a "known football genius" must have figured out how to quantum entangle the Patriots' footballs with the Colts' footballs.

"Because I'm a specialist in quantum physics I'm always on the lookout for quantum effects like entanglement. And because I was watching the game on an a wide-screen HD TV, I could see that there was some kind of quantum thing going on as soon as [Indianapolis punt returner] Joshua Cribbs fumbled," says Wheeler.

"As the game went on," he continued, "I became more certain. Every time Brady was on target and one of his receivers caught a pass, I could see that the quantum entanglement made Luck's throw off-target, or made the receiver drop it.

"By making the Patriots balls easier to throw, catch, and hold," Wheeler says, "Belichick's quantum entanglement made the Colts footballs harder to throw, catch, and hold. There's some kind of conservation law at work here, and that explains both the Patriots high score and the Colts low one.

Wheeler also believes that quantum entanglement may have made Patriots running back LeGarrette Blount, who scored three touchdowns--two more than the entire Colts team--nearly impossible to tackle.

 "I haven't worked out all the details, yet," Wheeler says, "but I'm quite sure that Blount's touchdowns were caused by some kind of quantum entanglement, and not just his ability as a runner."

Courts to Rule On Corporate Marriage

Based on recent Supreme Court decisions that have affirmed that corporations are persons, that they have the First Amendment right to free speech, and can have religious beliefs, a class action lawsuit has been filed to permit marriage between corporate and natural persons.

"State laws that do not permit corporations to marry are unfair, discriminatory, and unconstitutional," said Lester LaPointe, of the law firm Lapointe, Lagrange, Leblanc, and Laplace, which has filed the class action suit in Federal Court.

"While any corporation, and any individual who wants to marry a corporation can join the suit," said LaPointe, "we have decided to restrict class of corporations to include only those that have declared sincere feelings of love through a corporate resolution, properly framed and passed in accordance with the corporation's by-laws."

Corporations can be profit-making or non-profit, allowing people to marry their unions, colleges, or churches.

"I love Apple, and so do all of our members," said a spokesperson for the International Association of Apple Fanboys. "More than 95% of our members will marry Apple as soon as the company passes its resolution."

Obama and Ryan to meet Putin

In an act intended to demonstrate both American strength and bipartisan unity United States President Barack Obama and Representative Paul Ryan will meet with Russian President Vladimir Putin to discuss Crimea, the Ukraine, and P90X.

"At last Obama is doing something sensible," said House Speaker John Boehner. "We need to show Putin that we are both united and strong."

According to diplomatic sources, Putin agreed to the meeting only after German Chancellor Angela Merkel threatened release pictures of herself fishing and riding horseback, shirtless, if he did not.

Catastrophist Conference Cancelled

The 1906 San Francisco earthquake, remembered as one of the worst natural disasters in United States history, would almost certainly have been predicted by an ICPC member had the organization existed at the time. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The International Council of Professional Catastrophists (ICPC) has cancelled its annual conference, according to a statement released today. "We've taken this step because of the record number of financial, climatological, medical, and technological catastrophes predicted by our members, a number that vastly exceeds the number predicted last year, also a record" explained Justin DeMurre, Council president of the ICPC. "In this dangerous and threatening environment, it would be irresponsible to gather so many brilliant catastrophists in the same place and expose both them and our profession to the harm that even one of these impending disasters might cause."

The ICPC boasts a rapidly growing membership and an exceptional record of predicting catastrophes. "Every one of the catastrophes of the past decade have been predicted, in general form, if not specific detail, by one or more of our members," said DeMurr, proudly. "We expect that trend to continue long into the future," he continued, "barring some sort of catastrophe, of course."

The ICPC, twenty years old this January, has cancelled its annual conference for nineteen consecutive years, citing record numbers of new predicted catastrophes each year.