Wolf Report Settles Strike

Just a few hours after a landmark deal between the Writers' Guild of American and the David Letterman Show was announced (see story) The Wolf Report Writers' Guild of America, Europe and The Rest of The World and The Wolf Report announced they had reached their own agreement.

Under the terms of the agreement, Guild members may earn up to double their fee from The Wolf Report but only when they write things that are up to twice as funny.

"We believe that this is a fair agreement," wrote Dane Horowitz, spokesman for the Guild in an initial attempt to double his fee.

North Pole outsourcing strategy in trouble

A scheme to cut costs and raise profits by outsourcing the North Pole’s toy manufacturing and purchasing has run into serious problems. Millions of kids may pay the price when they get gift cards and off-brand toys on Christmas morning.

“Kids love gift cards,” said an unidentified spokesperson for Santa Claus’s company, North Pole Logistic Management LLC (NPLMLLC), which that has managed manufacturing, purchasing and delivery contracts for Christmas for the past hundred years. “And a Woo game console from China is every bit as good as a Wii from Japan.”

“Gift cards suck,” says one twelve-year old asked about the substitution. “And I better get Wii or there’s going to be trouble at school—if you know what I mean.”

According to Sven Lundgren, an elf who has worked in the North Pole corporate offices of NPLMLLC for more than 20 years, problems first emerged at NPLMLLC in November when elves in the incoming inspection department found toys that were painted with toxic paint, had sharp corners, and were made with small detachable parts that could choke children.

Investigation revealed that the problems were widespread and that third world wholesalers were substituting off-brand toys for the name-brand toys specified by the corporate elves.

“We stand ready to save Christmas,” said Ole Petersen the elf who heads the International Brotherhood of Elven Toymakers, AFL-CIO. “Santa needs to pay us a living wage, time and a half for overtime, reinstate our health benefits, and make a contribution to the pension fund to account for the months we've been out of work.”

Santa was not available for comment, but through a spokesperson said “Ho! Ho! Ho!”

Iraqis not being killed in record numbers

More than 26,883,383 Iraqis were not killed yesterday in terrorist attacks according to a report released by the office of the Surgin' General. This is the largest number of Iraqis not killed by terrorists in a single day.

“This is part a trend that's been continuing since the surge began,” said Colonel John Davenport, a spokesman for the office of the Surgin’ General. “Not only are Iraqi non-deaths from terrorism rising dramatically, but we’re also seeing a similar increase in the number of Iraqis who are not maimed, not wounded and not kidnapped.”

While Davenport attributes the increase entirely to the effectiveness of the surge others are not so sure. “With Iraq’s population growing at 2.6% annually, or at nearly 2,000 people per day, it would be astonishing not see more Iraqis not being killed.” said John Webster, a vocal critic of the war. “There are just more of them.”

The Surgin’ General’s office also reported that 312,212 Americans in Iraq—including military personnel and more than 150,000 Halliburton employees—were also not killed yesterday.