Biblical Scholar: Jesus would have invaded Iraq

Duane Fitzsimmons, a Biblical scholar and computer scientist, has developed a computer program that predicts how Jesus would deal with modern challenges. The program, called WWJD, was calibrated against Jesus’ behavior in the Gospels of Mathew, Mark, and Luke, and correctly simulates Jesus’ behavior in the Gospel of John. Fitzsimmons has used WWJD to model Jesus’ response to challenges over the past 2,000 years.

“Over thousands of post-Biblical simulations WWJD’s predicted behavior for Jesus has been what one would have expected,” says Fitzsimmons. “In situation after situation, WWJD predicts that He would have chosen peace over war, charity over greed, generosity over selfishness. Then, surprisingly in the last few years, WWJD has predicted that Jesus would have reduced taxes on the rich, invaded both Afghanistan and Iraq, increased spending on the military, cut social welfare programs, and supported reprisals against Palestinians.”

Despite the unexpected results, Fitzsimmons is confident that the WWJD model is correct. “We don’t understand why WWJD gives the results that it does in modern simulations, but it’s an extremely complex program and not easy to understand. The fact that millions of American Christians, including a former President, seem to support these very same policies is encouraging. It’s hard to believe that both the WWJD program and all of these people could be wrong.”

Iraqis not being killed in record numbers

More than 26,883,383 Iraqis were not killed yesterday in terrorist attacks according to a report released by the office of the Surgin' General. This is the largest number of Iraqis not killed by terrorists in a single day.

“This is part a trend that's been continuing since the surge began,” said Colonel John Davenport, a spokesman for the office of the Surgin’ General. “Not only are Iraqi non-deaths from terrorism rising dramatically, but we’re also seeing a similar increase in the number of Iraqis who are not maimed, not wounded and not kidnapped.”

While Davenport attributes the increase entirely to the effectiveness of the surge others are not so sure. “With Iraq’s population growing at 2.6% annually, or at nearly 2,000 people per day, it would be astonishing not see more Iraqis not being killed.” said John Webster, a vocal critic of the war. “There are just more of them.”

The Surgin’ General’s office also reported that 312,212 Americans in Iraq—including military personnel and more than 150,000 Halliburton employees—were also not killed yesterday.

Karachi Bomb Blasts Make Iraq, US Safer

More than 136 people were killed and as many as 500 were wounded in Karachi on Friday, as a lone suicide bomber attacked the convoy of returning Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto. (See story)

“Tragic as the bomb blasts have been for the people of Pakistan, said David Patraeus, America’s Surgin’ General (see story), Friday’s bombing means that Iraq is relatively more secure than it has been in the past.

“Just a few months ago,” he explained, “the civilian death rate in Iraq was nearly one hundred times that of Pakistan. With yesterday’s events, and some hoped-for reprisals, Baghdad will actually be safer than Karachi this week.”

“Tragic as the bomb blasts have been for the people of Pakistan,” said Maureen O’Donnell, this week’s spokesperson for the Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI), “the attack missed Washington by a full 7466 miles.

“The last major attack, in London England,” she explained, “missed us by only 3656 miles. This is clear evidence that our protective measures are working and that we are now 3810 miles safer.”

“Tragic as the bomb blasts have been for the people of Pakistan,” said George W. Bush, “especially for the dead ones,” he continued, “and for many of the ones who were wounded, especially the ones with very bad wounds, wounds were really painful and hurt a lot, and of course for their families—families that very important to people in Pakistan just like they are to Americans, even though they aren’t the same families—well,” he explained, “it’s been very tragic.”

Bush Finds Virtual WMDs in Virtual Iraq

Frustrated with their inability to achieve even one of their goals in Iraq, the Bush administration has turned to Second Life, a popular on-line digital world accessible through the Internet. Anyone who signs up for Second Life is given a digital representation of themselves called an "avatar." Using their computer a subscriber can then cause their avatar to move, communicate, or act within Second Life's virtual world. A subscriber can change the appearance of his or her avatar, can purchase virtual land, and can create, purchase or be given virtual objects that the avatar can use, for example clothing, jewlery, Abrhams M1A1 Battle Tanks, or penises.

The Wolf Report has learned that two months ago all military personnel not on active duty in Iraq had been ordered to obtain memberships for Second Life, to make their avatars as large and ferocious as possible, and await further orders. A month ago avatars from the Virtual Quartermaster Corps arrived with standard issue military uniforms, penises, and tanks which were distributed to the waiting troops who were then ordered to occupy an area of land within Second Life called Virtual Iraq, or Viraq for short, because it is shorter.

Viraq is an elaborately detailed replica of real Iraq (or Riraq as it is now called) created by the United States complete with bombed out buildings, non-functioning utilities, long lines for gas and food, and unhappy avatars representing Iraqi citizens.

Shortly after taking up station in Viraq, avatars representing the 86th Virtual Airborne Corps discovered hundreds of caches of virtual weapons of mass virtual destruction. The digital weapons were immediately confiscated and samples will be displayed in a virtual press conference that will be announced as soon as there have been no administration scandals or embarrassments for a week, or December, whichever comes first.

"The first phase of Virtual Operation Virtually Enduring Virtual Freedom has been virtually a complete success," a spokesavatar confided to The Wolf Report. "We have found the WMDs. It is now just a matter of time before we capture virtual Saddam Hussein, virtually execute him in an appropriate manner, turn Viraq into a virtually stable, virtual democracy.

Al-Qaeda files suit in Iraq, US, and Israel

Citing the value of the Al-Qaeda brand, the international terror organization has filed simultaneous lawsuits in the Iraq, the United States, and Israel. The suits allege misuse of Al-Qaeda trademarks, and insist on substantial damages.

“Osama [bin Laden] has spent his life building our brand,” an Al-Qaeda spokesperson told us over a secure Internet phone call from the organization’s corporate headquarters, a cave in northern Pakistan. “He is not going to let the brand be compromised through unauthorized use. He will to protect our good name with strong legal action followed by some very big car bombs.”

The suit filed in Iraq names the organization that calls itself “Al-Qaeda in Mesopotamia” as principal defendant. According to the bin Laden spokesperson, Al-Qaeda in Mesopotamia was licensed to use the Al-Qaeda brand on a year to year basis, with automatic renewal if a contractually specified number of Iraqi officials, American soldiers, and innocent bystanders were killed each year.

“They have successfully met two of the targets,” said the spokesperson, “but they have utterly failed to kill the required number of innocents, and thus can no longer use our brand in their recruiting. According to our contract, they must now call themselves ‘Incompetent Assholes in Mesopotamia,’ a name which they have refused to use.

The suit also names the Iraqi government and the United States Military as co-defendants. “We have notified both of the correct new name of the organization that they claim they are fighting, but they continue to claim that they are after Al-Qaeda,” said the spokesperson. “This is proof of the value of our brand and why it must be protected at all costs.”

The second suit, filed in the United States, is directed at Apple, Inc., a large electronics manufacturer, and is a pre-emptive effort to block a new Apple product from reaching market. The new product, called the Al-QiPod, combines a video iPod with an explosives belt and royalty free downloads. According to the spokesperson the Al-QiPod was to be sold to millions of teen-agers throughout the Middle East. “We are very open to an accommodation on this one,” said the representative, “as it is in our best interests to see this product launched quickly.”

The subject of the final suit, filed in Israel, was unavailable at press time. An Israeli Federal Court representative acknowledges receiving a large box labeled “Contains VERY IMPORTANT Legal Materials; Please Open in a Crowded Place.” “Since this box says that it is very important,” said the representative, “we’ve decided to wait for the next session of the Knesset before opening it.”

Al-Qaeda believes all three suits will be successful and expects that the damages will be substantial “whether or not we win in court.”

Deaths in Iraq Prove Surge's Success

According to an anonymous, but highly placed source in the Bush Administration, the increase in both Iraqi and U.S. Military deaths since the "surge" began is "proof that the President's 'surge' strategy is working."

"These are desperate people," said the source, "and they are killing more Iraqis and more Americans just to make it appear that things are not going well for us. But when you look behind superficial indicators, like the number of dead Iraqis, the number of dead Americans, the number of bombs going off, the number of bridges that been blown up, the number of Iraqis who feel safe, well, you can see clear and undeniable evidence that the President's 'surge' strategy is working."

"And I'm a highly placed source," he continued, correcting the way that he was described in the previous paragraph. "I'm not just a any old source. I'm highly placed."

The source (who says he is highly placed) pointed out that America has learned important lessons in the Viet Nam war and that we should appply to the the situation in Iraq which "definitely is not a war, just situation." In Viet Nam, according to the source, we made desicions based on body counts. We now understand that is was a mistake in Viet Nam, and it would be a mistake to do it in Iraq.

"I can understand the temptation go by body counts," continued the source. "It's just that you can't make decisions based on body counts, when they don't support what you've alread decided.

According to news reports, 1,646 Iraqi civilians were killed in February, a number which surged to 1,869 in March. The number of Iraqi policemen killed in surged from 131 to 165, while the number of Iraqi soldiers killed surged from 29 to 44. Only the number of US military personnlel killed failed to surge, with the numbers in February and March being about equivelent in the "high eighties."

"These numbers are surging," said the source. "They might be surging in a direction that some people might call 'the wrong direction,' but they are surging."

"And these numbers have to be put in perspective. With a population of 26.7 million people dying of natural causes like old age and starvation, 1800 more dead Iraqis is not that signifcant. We need to look at the big picture."

The big picture, according to the source is that in spite of all appearances, all statistics, all data, and all objective evidence, "they are losing and we are winning." " That's the only conclusion you can come to," the source, declares "if you don't get stuck on facts. Robert McNamara got stuck on facts and look what happened to him."

According to the source, you've got to look beyond the facts to get the big picture and if you look at the big picture you can definitely see that the surge is working.

"It's working," he said, resolutely.

What would convince the highly placed source and the President that the surge wasn't working? "Well, basically, nothing," said the source. "The rise in Iraqi deaths proves that the surge is working because the enemy is desperate; a drop in deaths would prove it's working because there are fewer attacks. A drop in US casualties would prove the surge was working because the mission was really being accomplished; a rise US casualties would prove that the surge was working because more enemy were being confronted. The absence of attacks on US soil proves the surge is working becuase the enemy is too busy in Iraq to do us any harm; an attack on US soil would prove it was working because the enemy was being driven out of Iraq and forced to do mischief elsewhere."

"The surge is working," he said again.

"It's undeniable," he repeated.

"Completely undeniable," he asserted.

"Even for people who are in total denial, like the President, his administration and me," said the source, "it's undeniable."

"Why can't everyone see that and just stop denying that it's working?"