Steve Jobs To Announce Apple iOuija and Soulbook at Macworld 2012

Steve Jobs isn't slowing down just because he's dead. Less than one month after his passing, Apple is readying his latest, and possibly most brilliant creation: the iOuija--a stylish handheld device that communicates with the afterlife. Using his own iOuija, Jobs will announce the new product at Macworld 2012 in January, along with Soulbook, an iOuija-enabled social network that lets people in the present and the afterlife communicate and share digital media in what Apple describes as a "seamless, eternal social experience."
Image by Patrick Nouhailler via Flickr
"Steve came up with iOuija and Soulbook shortly after he learned that his cancer was terminal," an Apple insider, told The Wolf Report. "We finished the basic engineering about eight months ago, and Steve could hardly wait to get to the other side so that he could run live tests, so to speak, and set up manufacturing. But family and several new projects kept him here until the very last minute. When it looked like we might miss the Macworld rollout if Steve stayed around, he headed off.

On October 6, 2012, the day after Jobs died, he assembled an afterlife-side iOuija kit and sent the first iOuija-text message to the iOuija team at Apple: "Having a wonderful time, wish you were here." He spent the rest of his first month setting up infrastructure, manufacturing operations, and distribution, while Apple engineers ironed out bugs in the iOuija's phone and video interfaces and in iOuija apps.

"Things were more complicated on the other side than Steve and the Apple team had anticipated," our source told us. "Because each major religion has its own afterlife, Steve had to negotiate dozens of contracts in just one month. Without the iOuija, which Steve used to coordinate with the Apple legal team and the earthly representatives of various religions, he could not have brought it off."

The iOuija will be available for Jews, Muslims, Christians in Heaven and Purgatory, and for members of many smaller religions right after Macworld. The iOuija-HT a ruggedized version, capable of withstanding the high temperatures of the first eight circles of Hell, will ship in May, and the iOuija-XHT for use in the Ninth Circle will ship next December. Prototypes for the iOuija-HT and -XHT were developed in just one week when the Apple team learned that regardless of religion, all lawyers were sent to Fraud and Treachery, the Eighth and Ninth Circles of Hell.

If your religion is not yet supported by iOuija, send an email to afterlife@apple.com naming your belief system. Apple will let you know when support is available. Because of incompatible protocols, Apple will not be able to support iOuija for atheists.

God Caves Under Pressure: Blesses America

Apparently bowing to pressure from lobbying groups, and threatened with a cut in funding,  God has agreed to bless America. “We consider this a great victory,” said Jim McEwan, spokesman for the Coalition of Patriotic Deists, the largest “God Bless American” lobbying group. “After years of requesting and finally demanding that God bless America, we have achieved the blessing we aimed for, and that we so richly deserve.”

The blessing was announced during a noonday press conference by the Metatron, heavenly scribe and spokesangel for the Lord God Jehovah. “I have a message from God to read to you. I will take no questions after I have read it,” said the seraph, the highest ranking member of the God’s angelic hierarchy.

“At 10:13 this morning, God blessed America. Thank you.”

The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped nearly 800 points in heavy trading following the news.

Fastest Growing Religion: Ventriloquism

The world's fastest growing religion is not Islam, Christianity, Catholicism, Hinduism, or Buddhism. It's a strange new religion called Ventriloquism. Its adherents, called Ventriloquists, believe they can to give life and voice to dolls, dummies, and other inanimate objects. Ventriloquists even put on public demonstrations to show they can do it.

"Ventriloquism is growing rapidly for two reasons," says Edna DeFay, spokesperson for high-profile Ventriloquist, Jeff Dunham, who some call the Tom Cruise of Ventriloquism. "First, we are non-denominational. You don't have to abandon your current religion to become a Ventriloquist. You can be a Catholic and a Ventriloquist, or a Jew and a Ventriloquist. There are many Muslims who are Ventriloquists, and there is a growing number of atheists who are Ventriloquists."

"Second," she continued, "Ventriloquism is growing because unlike most other religions, we don't rely on faith. If you want to decide whether Ventriloquists can do what we claim, we can show you a Ventriloquist bringing something to life."

But there's a catch. While most religions hold open, free services, Ventriloquists hold events for which they charge each seeker as much as $100; a high price to see Ventriloquism being practiced.

But some say it's worth it. "Ventriloquism is a fascinating religion," says Israel Cohen, an Orthodox Jew who says that some of  his best friends are Ventriloquists. "Whenever there's a Ventriloquist in town, I'll always pay to see him. Who knows," he shrugs, "some day I might convert."