Hotel Launches “Predator Friendly” Campaign after Booking Decline

The Hotel Sofitel New York has launched a $1M advertising and public relations campaign to lure back sexual predators after a hotel maid accused Dominique Strauss-Kahn, head of the IMF, of forcing her to perform oral sex on him. On the basis of her charges, Strauss-Kahn was arrested while attempting to leave the country, has been arraigned, and is now being held on $1M bail; many of the sexual predators who stay at the hotel have been cancelling reservations, dropping the occupancy rate by nearly half.

“Predators who want hotel accommodations in New York should realize that the maid who accused our guest was acting on her own, and not representing the hotel or its policies,” said a spokesman for the luxury hotel. “The complaint was entirely unauthorized. We regret the inconvenience that this irresponsible act has caused, and assure the public that this will not happen again.

“The Hotel Sofitel New York is proud of the predator-friendly policy under which the rich and powerful men who are our guests have been able to perform any sexual act, with or without consent, with any of our staff, and without complaint for years. With more than 30,000 such acts carried out at our hotel, we have had only this one complaint. It is unfortunate that the publicity has affected our hotel’s otherwise unblemished reputation.”

Insiders say that the hotel’s campaign, which led off with advertisements on online porn sites and in airline magazines has already had an enormous impact. New bookings are headed for record levels and the hotel is running full page advertisements for new staff, with bonuses for nuns, choir boys, and schoolgirls. The second part of the campaign will feature celebrity endorsements by Strauss-Khan himself, as well as Congressman Anthony Weiner, and actor Charlie Sheen.

Technorati Tags: Hotels,Predators,Strauss-Khan,Charlie Sheen,Anthony Weiner

Procrastinators’ Conference Postponed--Again

The First Annual Conference of the International Association of Procrastinators has been postponed, according to an announcement made today by Jim Little, Founder and President of the Association.

"The conference was supposed to be three weeks ago," Little explained, "but no one showed up because I'd forgotten to send out the conference announcement. Fortunately I also forgot to book the conference center and line up speakers, so no harm done.

"And there was no pressure to announce the postponement, which explains why it took until now for me to get around to it."

 Little claims that the Association has "millions of members."  "The numbers are hard to pin down," he says, "because our members keep putting off sending in their registration forms, partly because I keep putting off sending them out.

The First Annual Conference has been postponed 184 times during the 23 years of the organization’s existence.

According to Little, the new date for the meeting will be announced “very soon,” and posted on the Association's web site as soon as they have one.

Biblical Scholar: Jesus would have invaded Iraq

Duane Fitzsimmons, a Biblical scholar and computer scientist, has developed a computer program that predicts how Jesus would deal with modern challenges. The program, called WWJD, was calibrated against Jesus’ behavior in the Gospels of Mathew, Mark, and Luke, and correctly simulates Jesus’ behavior in the Gospel of John. Fitzsimmons has used WWJD to model Jesus’ response to challenges over the past 2,000 years.

“Over thousands of post-Biblical simulations WWJD’s predicted behavior for Jesus has been what one would have expected,” says Fitzsimmons. “In situation after situation, WWJD predicts that He would have chosen peace over war, charity over greed, generosity over selfishness. Then, surprisingly in the last few years, WWJD has predicted that Jesus would have reduced taxes on the rich, invaded both Afghanistan and Iraq, increased spending on the military, cut social welfare programs, and supported reprisals against Palestinians.”

Despite the unexpected results, Fitzsimmons is confident that the WWJD model is correct. “We don’t understand why WWJD gives the results that it does in modern simulations, but it’s an extremely complex program and not easy to understand. The fact that millions of American Christians, including a former President, seem to support these very same policies is encouraging. It’s hard to believe that both the WWJD program and all of these people could be wrong.”

Center for Political Tautology Announces "Vast Left-Wing Conspirancy"

The American Center for Political Tautology has announced its discovery of new, indisputable evidence of a vast left-wing conspiracy. "We're always ready to believe that such a conspiracy exists," 

said Jacob Teller, who made the announcement, "because there is no other way to explain the large number of people who believe that there is a conspiracy. Now we have more proof."

Image via Wikipedia

Teller's new report lists more than 100 web sites, for example this one, containing a deposition given by Paul Revere to the Massachusetts Provincial Congress. In it, Revere explains the events following his capture by the British

I told him they would miss their aim. He said they should not, they were only waiting for some deserters they expected down the road. I told him I knew better, I knew what they were after; that I had alarmed the country all the way up that their boats were caught aground, and I should have 500 men there soon.

“This can be used by rabid left-wingers to argue that there is no merit in Sarah Palin's statement that Revere

"...warned the British that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms by ringing those bells, and makin' sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed."

The document clearly gives Revere's report that he had told the British that he had 'alarmed the countryside' and 'should have 500 men there soon.' This obviously supports Palin's statement that the Colonists "were going to be free and ...going to be armed." The fact that the document says nothing about Revere's ringing bells and sending warning shots is clear evidence that the original text has been altered to remove these salient and crucial facts.

"Since our research shows that Sarah Palin is manifestly a genius," said Teller, "any web page on a supposedly neutral site that could be used, in any way, no matter how much exaggeration and interpretation was required, to argue that anything that Palin said was even minutely inaccurate--well, the web page must clearly be a lie. The fact that this particular lie is repeated so many times on the Internet, and can even be found in the Internet Archives, can only mean that the left-wing is able to take over any part of the Internet whenever they want, and make it say whatever they want.

"This is a threat to our liberty, and something must be done about it!"

About The Center for Political Tautology: is generally acknowledged as the leading provider of information that supports whatever people already believe is true because the Center for Political Tautology is the leading provider of information that supports whatever people already believe is true

.

Related articles

• Palin: Revere family warned British, bin-Laden, Hitler, Hirohito (thewolfreport.blogspot.com)
• Sarah Palin: I was right about Paul Revere (whyevolutionistrue.wordpress.com)

Center for Political Tautology Announces "Vast Right Wing Conspirancy"

The American Center for Political Tautology has announced its discovery of new, indisputable evidence of a vast right-wing conspiracy. "We're always ready to believe that such a conspiracy exists," said
Image by Getty Images via @daylifeJacob Teller, who made the announcement, "because there is no other way to explain the large number of people who believe that there is a conspiracy. Now we have more proof."

Teller's new report lists more than 100 web sites, for example this one, containing a "deposition" given by Paul Revere to the Massachusetts Provincial Congress. In it, Revere explains the events following his capture by the British.

I told him they would miss their aim. He said they should not, they were only waiting for some deserters they expected down the road. I told him I knew better, I knew what they were after; that I had alarmed the country all the way up that their boats were caught aground, and I should have 500 men there soon.

“This can be used by right-wingers to argue that there is some merit in Sarah Palin's statement that Revere

"...warned the British that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms by ringing those bells, and makin' sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed."

While the document does not say anything about ringing bells and sending warning shots, and while Revere's statements that he had 'alarmed the countryside' and 'should have 500 men there soon' are untrue, according to Revere's own account, the fact that he misled the British could be considered a warning that the Colonists were going to be free and were going to be armed.

"Since our research shows that Sarah Palin is manifestly an idiot," said Teller, "any web page on a supposedly neutral site that could be used, in any way, no matter how much exaggeration and interpretation was required, to argue that anything that Palin has even the smallest basis in fact--well, the web page must clearly be a lie. The fact that this particular lie is repeated so many times on the Internet, and can even be found in the Internet Archives, can only mean that the right-wing is able to take over any part of the Internet whenever they want, and make it say whatever they want.

"This is a threat to our liberty, and something must be done about it!"

About The Center for Political Tautology: is generally acknowledged as the leading provider of information that supports whatever people already believe is true because the Center for Political Tautology is the leading provider of information that supports whatever people already believe is true

.

Related articles

• Palin: Revere family warned British, bin-Laden, Hitler, Hirohito (thewolfreport.blogspot.com)
• Sarah Palin Fans Trying To Rewrite Wikipedia History Of Paul Revere's Ride To Match Her Crazy Version (thenewspundit.com)
• No, Palin's Wrong About Paul Revere: Experts (newser.com)

Palin: Revere family warned British, bin-Laden, Hitler, Hirohito

 

Sarah Palin doesn't back down. She reloads. She provoked a storm of criticism after she described Paul Revere  this way: "He who warned the British that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms by ringing those bells, and makin' sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed."

Now she not only refuses to apologize for her unusual version of history, but is aggressively defending it. She’s told reporters that she is “completely certain” that Revere warned the British based on the intensive study of American history that she started just after the Katie Couric interview.

Image via Wikipedia

According to Palin and a recently hired team of historians on her staff, Paul Revere’s warning the British is part of a Revere family tradition. Documents show that Paul Revere VIII, a direct descendent of the famous American patriot, warned Osama Bin Laden that "The SEALS are coming;" Paul Revere V warned Hitler that "D-Day is coming;" and his son, Paul Revere VI warned Emperor Hirohito that "The A-bomb is coming." "Those Revere family people who warned American’s enemies that they weren’t going to be doin’ any more bad stuff as so many of us can be aware and warns in order to give a fair chance by warnin’ whether by ringin’ bells or shootin’ off guns or warning with faxes or emails or web sites or anything else like Tweetin’ or anything so in order for these people to, even though it will do them no good, get a fighting chance, against our freedom, which will anyway succeed," Palin explained.

Related articles

• Palin Explains Why Her Paul Revere Remarks Were Correct: VIDEO (towleroad.com)
• Palin rewrites history (thehill.com)
• Because, sure, why not ... Apparently someone tried to edit Sarah Palin's Paul Revere comments INTO the man's Wikipedia page. (shortformblog.tumblr.com)

TAI’s ADW to feature UAD, ARC, ACD, and AUT

The Triadic Acronym Institute (TAI), the trade association for the Three Letter Acronym (TLA) industry, will hold an Acronym Development Workshop (ADW) in Phoenix (PHX) July (JUL) 7-10, 2010, with sessions on Unique Acronym Development (UAD), Acronym Registration and Copyrighting (ARC), Acronym Collision Detection (ACD) and Acronym User Testing (AUT).

You can register online at www.tai.com/reg or print and fill out a the Workshop Registration Form (WRF) found at www.tai.com/wrf and send it with a Self Addressed Stamped Envelope (SASE) to the address listed at www.tai.com/adr.

About SASE: SASE is a registered trademark of the Quadratic Acronym Institute (QAI) and is used with its permission.

About QAI: QAI is the TLA for the Quadratic Acronym Institution, trade association for the a Four Letter Acronym (FLA) industry. QAI and FLA are registered trademarks of TAI, and are used by QAI under an exclusive license.

About TAI: TAI is the TLA for Triadic Acronym Institute, the trade association for the Three Letter Acronym (TLA) industry. TAI, TLA, QAI, FLA, ADS, UAD, ARC, ACD, AUT, www, tai, com, reg, adr, WRF, WTF, and wrf are all registered trademarks of TAI.

BIS to Fix Health Care with Duct Tape

The United States Bureau of Impractical Solutions (BIS) has announced the results of a two-year, $300M study that has demonstrated the feasibility of fixing the United States health care system using duct tape.

“There’s no question that the health care system is broken,” said John Howard Atkinson, BIS Director. “There’s also no question that duct tape can fix anything. We really just needed to determine how much duct tape we’d need, and how to apply it.”

The BIS study included a pilot project—fixing the health care systems of several mid-sized American towns with just a few hundred rolls of tape each. Based on the project’s success the Bureau has now requested $7B to purchase the duct tape needed for the entire health care system, to train a corps of Federal Duct Tapers, and to fund the program for the two years it will take to fix health care. “Unlike other plans,” said Atkinson, “this is not a Band-Aid solution that will only hold for a short time. It’s a duct tape solution, and that means it’s going to last.”

“The best news,” said Atkinson, “is that this same technique can be used to fix other problems. The Bureau has authorized two new studies, one to find out how much duct tape it will take to fix the American economy, and the other to calculate the duct tape needed to fix our broken political system. Once the Federal Duct Tapers are finished with health care, they’ll transition to taping up these other problems.”

“We’ve always believed that a nation that could send a man to the moon could fix its health care system, its economy, and its political system with duct tape,” says Atkinson confidently. “Now we know that it’s just a matter of yardage.”

Bill to Barack: Get a Bl*w J*b and lead America!

In an exclusive interview with The Wolf Report former President Bill Clinton has ended his three-year, self-imposed silence and given President Barack Obama some timely advice. TWR: Let’s get right to the point. You agreed to this interview so that you could advise the President. What’s your advice. Clinton: You know, I was in a very similar situation to him. I won an election, and decided to address healthcare. Unfortunately Hillary screwed it up, but never mind that; Pelosi and Reid screwed it up in a different way. And then the same thing happened to Obama that happened to me. The Republicans jumped on healthcare and used it to take over the house in the mid-term elections. Yet I won reelection. Barack can get reelected if he just follows my example. Technorati Tags: Clinton,Obama,Politics,The Wolf Report

Bill and TWR Reporter after interview

TWR: Which is?

89 Dead in Missouri Tornado: Al-Qaeda Claims Credit

In a videotape released to The Wolf Report today, al-Qaeda Terror Networks, NLC, has claimed credit for 89 tornado deaths in Joplin, Missouri on Sunday, and has taken retroactive credit for nearly 400 earlier tornado deaths across the United States.
“This is a rather transparent effort by al-Qaeda’s management to recover their brand and to get their IPO back on track, and will not succeed” said Simon Allen, Terror Network Analyst for The Wolf Report. “Americans are not gullible. They will not believe that al-Qaeda caused these tornados since they are so obviously due to the United States’ tolerance of gays in the military.”
The Al-Qaeda Terror Networks No Liability Corporation (NLC) was formed by Osama bin-Laden in 2002 and was headed for an Initial Public Offering as reported in The Wolf Report in 2008. A series of setbacks, most recently the death of their CEO, Osama bin-Laden, has repeatedly pushed back the IPO date.
Al-Qaeda Terror Networks is the exclusive licensing agent for al-Qaeda franchises, promotes the al-Qaeda brand, arranges Osama bin-Laden endorsements, and and develops a growing portfolio of al-Qaeda products. Until recently its corporate headquarters were in Abottabad, Pakistan.
Following the lead of the United States Government, The Wolf Report has decided not to release the videotape, and has instead tossed it into the ocean “somewhere off the coast of New Jersey.”

Wolf Report Expert Predicts No Rapture Today

"There will be no Rapture, today" predicted The Wolf Report's expert Rapturologist, Dr. Herman Eutics. "I've studied all the Biblical references, and spent several months carefully analyzing Harold Camping's widely cited prediction that the Rapture will occur at 6:00 PM local time today, May 21, 2011. I can say with certainty that the Rapture will not occur today. Nor will it occur later in the month. I haven't yet ruled out June, but it's likely there will be no Rapture then, either."
 
"Dr Eutics has an unparalleled record for Rapture predictions," said Michael Wolf, Founder, Publisher and Editor-In-Chief of The Wolf Report. "He's been analyzing Rapture signs since January 1, 1992 and has successfully predicted "no Rapture" for 7080 consecutive days. We're proud to have him on our staff."


About Herman Eutics: Dr. Eutics joined The Wolf Report two years ago, when Camping's predictions began to gain the attention of the media. Eutics holds a PhD in Rapturology from Specious University. He is webmaster for the web site norapturetoday.com.

New Deal on Debt in Final Negotation

The bipartisan committee to manage the national debt is close to a deal that insiders say will solve the country's fiscal problems, The Wolf Report has learned. The deal, which has been under negotiation for nearly two years, will be announced as soon as the terms are finalized, possibly as soon as August.

Under the proposed arrangement, in addition to giving money to children who place lost teeth under their pillows, the Tooth Fairy will deposit funds in a special account to be managed by the Federal Reserve. Payments to children will continue in the traditional range: from ten cents to $5.00, depending on the wealth of the child's parents. Payments will  be adjusted annually for inflation using a formula based on the Consumer Price Index for dental services. Payments to the government will be between $1,000 per tooth--the Tooth Fairy's latest offer--and $2,000 per tooth--the government's proposed rate. The two sides are reported close to agreement on a final figure.

The Office of Management and Budget, a non-partisan oversight group, has estimated the impact of the Tooth Fairy plan, using the more conservative number. The OMB reckons that if the nation's children lose 10 million teeth per year, the government would receive $10 billion in Tooth Fairy money. With the national debt currently estimated at $13.9 trillion dollars, Tooth Fairy revenues would pay off the entire debt in just 1,390 years.

One proposal, which source say is "under serious consideration" by the Tooth Fairy would give the United States credit for the lost teeth of children in any country that receives more than $1 Billion in US aid in that year. According to sources, if this proposal is accepted, then Tooth Fairy money might pay off the debt in as few as 820 years.

Google Announces 'Google Senior Search'

Google has released a Beta version of Google Senior Search, a new software service coupled with an implantable medical device that can  index a human brain, search its contents, and deliver results by direct neural stimulation.

"Google Senior Search gives seniors full and immediate access to their remaining memories, dreams, thoughts, and ideas," said Ivan Teller, product manager for Google Senior Search. "And with built-in wireless access and integration with Google Desktop and Web Search, seniors can feel as though they can remember what's on their computers and on more than a trillion web pages whenever they are within range of a compatible WiFi network"

Seniors start Google Senior Search by saying the word "Google" then speaking their query. Google Senior Search  displays new search results as each time the senior says "Googling..Googling...Googling..."  A quick forehead slap clears search results.

"Google Senior Search not only retrieves information," said Teller, "it also uploads and analyzes neural data so we can deliver targeted advertisements directly to seniors' brains. Neural data will be kept on Google servers so that seniors can retrieve memories well into senility."

"Google Senior Search will give new meaning to the term 'senior moment,'" predicted Teller. 

Click the link to see Google Senior Search in action.

Bush-Cheney Center discloses terrorist plots

The Bush-Cheney Center for Fabrication of Terrorist Plots has discovered "indisputable evidence" that the recent eruptions of the Eyjafjallajokull volcano were not due to tectonic or geophysical forces but to a group of Icelandic Fundamentalists, connected "by alteration of just a few letters" to Islamic Fundamentalist groups, including al-Qaeda.

The Center has also disclosed that Icelandic Fundamentalists are installing volcanoes under major cities in the United States and plan to create "the mother of all ash clouds" by detonating them simultaneously.

"The only way to stop these terrorists," said Chester White, a spokesman for the Center, "is to rescind all civil liberties, lower taxes for individual in high tax brackets, and elect a Republican Congress. Failure to do so puts our nation in jeopardy."

Eyjafjallajokull

Woods blasts wife for using wrong club

After several days of silence, golfer Tiger woods has issued a statement criticisising his wife, Elin Nordegren, for choosing a Nike SQ DYMO 380 (10.5 degrees; with a Mitsubishi Diamana Whiteboard 83g shaft) to beat him following a domestic dispute.

"A golfer's wife has certain responsibilities, and Elin was remis in choosing this particular club," said Woods through a spokesperson. "Tiger feels that either the Nike SQ II 15° 3-wood with Mitsubishi Diamana Blueboard or the Nike SQ II 19° 5-Wood would have been more appropriate, and also more effective."

"Tiger hopes that Elin will overlook his understandable error in pursuing what he now refers to as 'extramarital holes in one' and agrees that if she forgives his error then he will forgive her for her poor choice of club. As a professional, Tiger is proud that has always used the corrct club in every appropriate situation with both extramarital partners and with Elin."

Turkish genocide story corrected

Yesterday's story in The Wolf Report erroneously reported that an estimated 45 million Turks had been killed by Americans during an attack on Turkey.

The story should have stated that an estimated 45 million turkeys had been eaten by Americans during Thanksgiving.

The Wolf Report regrets having made this mistake, even though it's an easy one to make when a country names itself after a bird.

'The' wins again as Wolf Report Article of Year

For the sixth consecutive year, 'the' has won The W0lf Report's Article of the Year award.

"Despite a strong showing this year by both 'a' and 'an,' said the Founder, Publisher, and Editor in Chief of The Wolf Report, 'the' continues to be our readers' favorite article."

Other winners in The Wolf Report's annual contest include 'was' as Best Verb in a Short Article, and 'torture' as Noun of the Year.

Man patents and copyrights own genome; sues children for infringement

In a world where the costs of genetic sequencing have plummetted, almost anyone can afford to sequence a complicated genome. And in world where lawsuits over intellectual property voilations abound, almost anyone can afford to sue for a property right violation. Abner J. Dilworth has taken advantages of these developments, becoming the first individual to sequence his own genome, copyright the text of his own DNA, patent his own genes, and to sue his own children for using his intellectual property without a license.

"The little bastards have been using my genes without permission since the day that they were conceived," said Dilworth, "and I mean to see that they pay."

The lawsuit has been filed simultaneously in places where Dilworth alleges that either the illegal copying took place or where the copies are currently being used, including Massachusetts, California, Florida, North Dakota, and the back seat of a 1976 Chevrolet. The suit alleges patent violation, copyright violation, and theft of intellectual property. The suit also asks for an injunction against any further sexual activity on the part of any of his children on grounds that such activity "may result in further copying of the unlicensed intellectual property, even if steps have been taken to prevent or reduce the liklihood of such copies being made."

Faceless bureaucrats reject health-care plans

The American Association of Faceless Bureaucrats (AAFB) have completed their long-awaited evalution of the health-care proposals wending their way through Congress. Their conclusion: "Denied!"

"We faceless bureaucrats have been denying health-care requests for years as part of a market-based, free-enterprise, entrepreneurial, and essentially American system of faceless bureaucracy," said an anonymous spokesperson for the AAFB. "If we accepted any of these proposals, we'd co-opted into a new Federal faceless bureaucracy system. That would require change, which we oppose, while leaving many things the same, which we also oppose."

"So in the tradition of our profession, and based on our years of training and experience, our decision is simple."

"Request denied."

Obama endorses breathing; Republicans oppose it

President Barack Obama today endorsed breathing as "a healthy activity for all Americans." In his weekly radio address he stated: "Breathing has been shown to keep people healthy, and breathing is one way every American can help keep health care costs under control."

Response was immediate and harsh.

Twelve Republican senators have vowed to hold their breaths in protest until Obama announces that people who choose not to breathe have the same rights as those who breathe.

"More hypocricy from the Left," said commentator Glen Beck. "Obama claims to be concerned about so-called global warming despite questions raised by scientists. At the same he time he encourages a practice that all scientists agree turns health-giving oxygen into a colorless, odorless gas that can kill people and animals in high concentrations and which is one of the primary causes of global warming, assuming that global warming really exists rather than being a Socialist plot to further limit our rights and expand government."

The White House has chosen not to comment, but was observed snickering.