Fires in Arizona, New Mexico Cause Marshmallow Shortage

Raging fires in Arizona and New Mexico have produced a critical marshmallow shortage in the Southwest. “Supplies of chocolate and graham crackers are more than adequate,” said a representative of the Federal Emergency Management Administration (FEMA) who has been monitoring the growing crisis, “but we are rapidly running out of marshmallows.”

Neighboring governors have pledged to rush marshmallows to the embattled states, and President Obama has authorized FEMA to release more than 2 million marshmallows from the nation’s Strategic Marshmallow Reserve . ”We believe that the situation is under control," said the FEMA representative, “and that our handling of this marshmallow crisis will restore the nation’s confidence in our organization.”

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Duct tape to be used in new initiative

The president has just created a new branch of government to manage the purchase and storage of hundreds of millions of rolls of duct tape and their subsequent deployment in national emergencies, such as falling presidential approval ratings and widening credibility gaps. The organization, called the Federal Strategic Duct Tape Management Agency Department Bureau Office (FSDTMADBO) has been created at the cabinet level, and is authorized to purchase and deliver the billions of rolls of duct tape needed to repair the problems that the administration creates each day.

Besides dealing with today's problems, The Agency Department Bureau Office will be responsible for preparing for tomorrow's blunders by building a National Strategic Duct Tape Repository where hundreds of millions of rolls of duct tape will be stored and allowed to rot, and to manage a Federal Duct Tape Emergency Response Team (FDTERT) capable of delivering rotted duct tape anywhere that the government operates, in less than day.

"If FDTERT has been around when hurricane Katrina struck," said an FSDTMADBO spokesperson, "we would have duct-taped the levees in just a few hours and been able to prevent billions of dollars in damage. And if we had been around when the tidal wave struck Indonesia we would have duct taped something or other that would have either saved lives or looked good on TV."

According to sources, the president briefly considered two other strategies: either having the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) manage the duct tape or to create a duct tape management agency within the Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI). But a quick study showed that both FEMA and DHI were both badly in need of duct taping themselves and they could not take on additional responsibilities.

Duct tape shortages are predicted as Republican and Democratic parties as well as individual candidates are building up their own supplies of duct tape for the coming campaign, and the government of Iraq is making large purchases in order to hold a fractured nation together.

Scientists are studying whether duct tape can be used to stop global warming, or at least seem to.