Bomber's Head Sent to Guantanamo for Questioning

A severed head, believed to be that of the man who blew himself up attacking Pakastani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto was discovered by police amidst the carnage. (See news story here).

To discover the attacker's identity and possible collaborators the police have circulated photographs of the head (See here).

United States President George W. Bush quickly offered to have the CIA interrogate the head using the CIA's recently developed "enhanced interrogation techniques for severed heads."

The offer was accepted by the government of Pakistan, and the head is now on its way to Guantanamo.

"The severed head may not be talking right now," said a spokesman for the CIA's Department of Questionable Interrogation Practices (DQIP), "but by the time we're finished, it will be singing like a bird, metaphorically speaking, of course."

Karachi Bomb Blasts Make Iraq, US Safer

More than 136 people were killed and as many as 500 were wounded in Karachi on Friday, as a lone suicide bomber attacked the convoy of returning Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto. (See story)

“Tragic as the bomb blasts have been for the people of Pakistan, said David Patraeus, America’s Surgin’ General (see story), Friday’s bombing means that Iraq is relatively more secure than it has been in the past.

“Just a few months ago,” he explained, “the civilian death rate in Iraq was nearly one hundred times that of Pakistan. With yesterday’s events, and some hoped-for reprisals, Baghdad will actually be safer than Karachi this week.”

“Tragic as the bomb blasts have been for the people of Pakistan,” said Maureen O’Donnell, this week’s spokesperson for the Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI), “the attack missed Washington by a full 7466 miles.

“The last major attack, in London England,” she explained, “missed us by only 3656 miles. This is clear evidence that our protective measures are working and that we are now 3810 miles safer.”

“Tragic as the bomb blasts have been for the people of Pakistan,” said George W. Bush, “especially for the dead ones,” he continued, “and for many of the ones who were wounded, especially the ones with very bad wounds, wounds were really painful and hurt a lot, and of course for their families—families that very important to people in Pakistan just like they are to Americans, even though they aren’t the same families—well,” he explained, “it’s been very tragic.”

Bush: "Water boarding not that bad"

Determined to answer administration critics, President George W. Bush has allowed himself to be subjected to the "enhanced interrogation technique" called water boarding. The technique, which according to Republican candidate John McCain was developed during the Spanish Inquisition, (see story) has been criticized as a form of torture.

"It's not all that bad," said Bush, after a two hour water boarding session with CIA experts in which Bush revealed: the names of the individuals that his father had bribed to get him into the National Guard during the Viet Nam war; how the missing records of his military service had been stolen and where they were hidden now; how had conspired with his brother Jeb to falsify electoral records in Florida; the location of a secret plan, created by Dick Cheney in 2000 to invade Iraq; and the name of his three current mistresses.

According to Don Sutton, head of the CIA's Directorate of Enhanced Interrogation (DIE) all of the information revealed by Bush has been confirmed and the relevant documents have been returned to their hiding places. "Without water boarding we might have had to use old-fashioned interrogation techniques involving the use of pliers and cattle prods on parts of the body that I won't mention in a family blog like this. Water boarding is a humanitarian alternative, and definitely not torture."

"I'm very happy that I got to experience water boarding," said Bush. "It's definitely not torture. It's a kind of therapy. I feel a lot better now that I've gotten all those things off my chest and I look forward to helping both Al-Qaeda operatives and innocent Iraqis feel as good as I feel today.

Bush Finds Virtual WMDs in Virtual Iraq

Frustrated with their inability to achieve even one of their goals in Iraq, the Bush administration has turned to Second Life, a popular on-line digital world accessible through the Internet. Anyone who signs up for Second Life is given a digital representation of themselves called an "avatar." Using their computer a subscriber can then cause their avatar to move, communicate, or act within Second Life's virtual world. A subscriber can change the appearance of his or her avatar, can purchase virtual land, and can create, purchase or be given virtual objects that the avatar can use, for example clothing, jewlery, Abrhams M1A1 Battle Tanks, or penises.

The Wolf Report has learned that two months ago all military personnel not on active duty in Iraq had been ordered to obtain memberships for Second Life, to make their avatars as large and ferocious as possible, and await further orders. A month ago avatars from the Virtual Quartermaster Corps arrived with standard issue military uniforms, penises, and tanks which were distributed to the waiting troops who were then ordered to occupy an area of land within Second Life called Virtual Iraq, or Viraq for short, because it is shorter.

Viraq is an elaborately detailed replica of real Iraq (or Riraq as it is now called) created by the United States complete with bombed out buildings, non-functioning utilities, long lines for gas and food, and unhappy avatars representing Iraqi citizens.

Shortly after taking up station in Viraq, avatars representing the 86th Virtual Airborne Corps discovered hundreds of caches of virtual weapons of mass virtual destruction. The digital weapons were immediately confiscated and samples will be displayed in a virtual press conference that will be announced as soon as there have been no administration scandals or embarrassments for a week, or December, whichever comes first.

"The first phase of Virtual Operation Virtually Enduring Virtual Freedom has been virtually a complete success," a spokesavatar confided to The Wolf Report. "We have found the WMDs. It is now just a matter of time before we capture virtual Saddam Hussein, virtually execute him in an appropriate manner, turn Viraq into a virtually stable, virtual democracy.

Bush Complains: "God not helping"

"God is not helping," said President George. W. Bush, in an exclusive interview with The Wolf Report. "I pray and pray and pray for God's intervention. And what do I get? Advice."

"I don't need advice," he continued angrily. "I'm the president. If I want advice I can convene a goddam special committee like I've done a hundred times. And if I don't like their advice I can ignore it, like I've done," he paused to count, "well about a hundred time, too."

"I'm not praying for advice," he concluded. "I don't want a deity who telling me that there are no WMDs in Iraq. Anyone can tell you that there are no WMDs when there are no WMDs. Even I could do that. Instead, I want a deity who will perform a miracle and put WMDs where there are none."

"I'm not making any threats," Bush continued, "But I believe in the free enterprise system and and this Allah guy seems to be doing better job than the guy I've been praying to."

"Certain parties should think about this: if I can replace Donald Rumsfeld, I can replace anyone."

God Complains: "Bush Doesn't Listen"

"George Bush prays for guidance, but he doesn't listen to my answers," said God, in an exclusive Wolf Report interview today. "Either that or he listens, but doesn't follow my advice."

"What a jerk." the diety concluded angrily.

God, known to various religions under his professional or stage names which include Allah, Jehovah, and--to a small sect in Mississippi to which he recently revealed himself--as Big Billy Bob, spoke to The Wolf Report from a the center of a burning bush in Topeka Kansas.

"It pisses me off," God repeated, blazing higher and brighter. "I mean, the guy gets down on his knees; he acknowledges his ignorance and his frailty as a human being, which is dead right as far as I can see; he acknowledges my omniscience, which by the way is exactly what I knew he was going to acknowledge next; he asks for the wisdom to know what to do, which God knows--that is, which I know--he desperately needs.

"So I tell him: 'George, don't fuck with Iraq; it's going to get be a mess. Don't listen to Cheney; he's a lying asshole.' And what is he do? He gets, up and does exactly what he wants.

"Just as I knew he would, by the way," God added omnisicently.

"Thank God--that is thank Me--for The Wolf Report. At least you listen."

"Just as I knew you would."

Duct tape to be used in new initiative

The president has just created a new branch of government to manage the purchase and storage of hundreds of millions of rolls of duct tape and their subsequent deployment in national emergencies, such as falling presidential approval ratings and widening credibility gaps. The organization, called the Federal Strategic Duct Tape Management Agency Department Bureau Office (FSDTMADBO) has been created at the cabinet level, and is authorized to purchase and deliver the billions of rolls of duct tape needed to repair the problems that the administration creates each day.

Besides dealing with today's problems, The Agency Department Bureau Office will be responsible for preparing for tomorrow's blunders by building a National Strategic Duct Tape Repository where hundreds of millions of rolls of duct tape will be stored and allowed to rot, and to manage a Federal Duct Tape Emergency Response Team (FDTERT) capable of delivering rotted duct tape anywhere that the government operates, in less than day.

"If FDTERT has been around when hurricane Katrina struck," said an FSDTMADBO spokesperson, "we would have duct-taped the levees in just a few hours and been able to prevent billions of dollars in damage. And if we had been around when the tidal wave struck Indonesia we would have duct taped something or other that would have either saved lives or looked good on TV."

According to sources, the president briefly considered two other strategies: either having the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) manage the duct tape or to create a duct tape management agency within the Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI). But a quick study showed that both FEMA and DHI were both badly in need of duct taping themselves and they could not take on additional responsibilities.

Duct tape shortages are predicted as Republican and Democratic parties as well as individual candidates are building up their own supplies of duct tape for the coming campaign, and the government of Iraq is making large purchases in order to hold a fractured nation together.

Scientists are studying whether duct tape can be used to stop global warming, or at least seem to.

Bush Visit to Iraq not a Photo Opportunity

Citing the need to consult with top commanders and Iraqi leaders President Bush and top aides made a surprise visit to Iraq this week.

“This is not a photo opportunity,” said a White House spokesperson, “but an important event that required that the president meet face-to face with top commanders and Iraqi leaders. Since there are many top commanders and many Iraqi leaders, but only one president, it made more sense for him to pay them a surprise visit than for several plane loads of them to make a surprise visit to Washington.”

“This is not a photo opportunity,” said a defense department spokesperson, “but an important chance for not only top commanders but also middle and bottom commanders to meet with the President and tell him fact-to-face everything that they have been ordered to say about the military and political situation.”

“This is not a photo opportunity,” said a spokesman for the Association of Important Iraqi Politicians (AIIP) just returned from their August holidays. “It is a chance to meet with the President of the United States so that he can personally ignore what we have to say rather than doing it through intermediaries.”

“This is not a photo opportunity,” said one of the members of the special group of reporters, photographers and camera crews that accompanied the president on his visit. “It’s really not a photo opportunity. Really. It’s not. We’re writing stuff, too. So it's a reporting opportunity. Not a photo opportunity. Really. It is."