Imaginary Characters Sue Wolf Report

George W. Bush, the imaginary president of the United States and frequent satirical target of The Wolf Report, has announced a class action suit against The Wolf Report on behalf of all The Wolf Report’s imaginary characters. He is joined in this suit by the imaginary Osama Bin Laden, imaginary officials of the imaginary Department Of Homeland Insecurity, and imaginary characters yet to be satirized.

“Unless our demands are met,” said Bush, speaking from the imaginary White House lawn, “you can only begin to imagine the consequences.”

“Of course we can imagine the consequences,” replied an Lee-Fong O’Reilly Feldman the imaginary Chinese-Irish-Jewish spokesperson for The Wolf Report. "We control The Wolf Report and we can imagine pretty much anything we want. And whatever we imagine, that's what happens. There’s nothing that Bush or any other imaginary character can do about it.

"For example," he continued, "we can imagine ending ending this post right in the middle of this sen

Wolf Report Declares on War on "Declaring war on Abstrract Terms and Collective Nouns"

Citing the failure of Lyndon Johnson’s 'War on Poverty,' Ronald Reagan's 'War on Drugs,' and George W. Bush's 'War on Terrorism,' The Wolf Report has declared 'War on Declaring War on Abstract Concepts and Collective Nouns.'

"Declaring war on abstract concepts like 'terrorism' or 'poverty' or on a collective noun like 'drugs' has done nothing to change terrorism, poverty or drugs," said The Founder, Publisher, Editor-in-Chief and Socially Responsible Policy Maven for The Wolf Report. “This sets a very low bar for success, an ideal situation for The Wolf Report, provided we don’t trip over the low bar and hit our head.”

“In doing our research,” he continued, “we found that the millions of dollars spent on these 'wars' have benefited no one but the lobbying group behind these 'wars.' So we’ve launched our own war for two reasons: first, as a public service, mainly to serve the public that we serve, and second to get our own piece of the ‘war on stuff you aren’t going to do anything effective about’ action.

“Actually, the latter would alone have been a good enough reason,” he added, referring to the second choice in the prior sentence.

According to The Wolf Report, the esteemed newspaper discovered the hidden influence of this lobbying group during an intensive research campaign lasting well over fifteen minutes. The research project, which was staffed by as many as one person “at times,” turned up incontrovertible evidence of nothing in particular which was later replaced with far less rigorous, but far more exciting evidence of wrongdoing, evil, and bizarre sexual practices.

According to The Wolf Report’s made up facts, all ‘war on…’ programs have been created by one organization: The Word Institute of Fatuous Slogans, better known as the WIFS, the name given to it by the Global Institute of Stupid Acronyms, better known as GISA, the name given to it by the Meta and Self-Referential Institute of Meta-Self-Referential Acronyms, or QZYXZ. According to the research, the WIFS has been not just behind the ‘war on…’ programs but behind nearly all the badly thought out government programs of the last two decades. WIFS entered government segment after a string of commercial slogan failures including the famous “Coke—It’s Brown Swill That Costs a Lot and Wrecks your Health,” campaign. The company has found its niche in government programs, where stupidity is less easily detected, and has not looked back since.

Today, according to The Wolf Report, “if you hear something stupid in a government program like 'Mission Accomplished' or 'Stay the Course' you pretty much know that the WIFS has been at work. George Bush does not make most of these stupid things up by himself. He has help.”

The Wolf Report believes (assuming any collective noun can believe anything--even when the collective noun is as smart as The Wolf Report) that unlike these previous ‘wars’ that The Wolf Report’s 'War on Declaring War on Abstract Concepts and Collective Nouns’ will see positive and immediate results.

“We’ve going to start by attacking the enemy that we know best—ourselves—and proceed from there,” said the Founder, Publisher, Editor-in-Chief and Strategy Tipster for The Wolf Report. “I predict that attacking ourselves as part of the ‘War on Declaring War on Abstract Concepts and Collective Nouns’ will force The Wolf Report to shut down its self-referential program by the end of this sentence, if not

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Deaths in Iraq Prove Surge's Success

According to an anonymous, but highly placed source in the Bush Administration, the increase in both Iraqi and U.S. Military deaths since the "surge" began is "proof that the President's 'surge' strategy is working."

"These are desperate people," said the source, "and they are killing more Iraqis and more Americans just to make it appear that things are not going well for us. But when you look behind superficial indicators, like the number of dead Iraqis, the number of dead Americans, the number of bombs going off, the number of bridges that been blown up, the number of Iraqis who feel safe, well, you can see clear and undeniable evidence that the President's 'surge' strategy is working."

"And I'm a highly placed source," he continued, correcting the way that he was described in the previous paragraph. "I'm not just a any old source. I'm highly placed."

The source (who says he is highly placed) pointed out that America has learned important lessons in the Viet Nam war and that we should appply to the the situation in Iraq which "definitely is not a war, just situation." In Viet Nam, according to the source, we made desicions based on body counts. We now understand that is was a mistake in Viet Nam, and it would be a mistake to do it in Iraq.

"I can understand the temptation go by body counts," continued the source. "It's just that you can't make decisions based on body counts, when they don't support what you've alread decided.

According to news reports, 1,646 Iraqi civilians were killed in February, a number which surged to 1,869 in March. The number of Iraqi policemen killed in surged from 131 to 165, while the number of Iraqi soldiers killed surged from 29 to 44. Only the number of US military personnlel killed failed to surge, with the numbers in February and March being about equivelent in the "high eighties."

"These numbers are surging," said the source. "They might be surging in a direction that some people might call 'the wrong direction,' but they are surging."

"And these numbers have to be put in perspective. With a population of 26.7 million people dying of natural causes like old age and starvation, 1800 more dead Iraqis is not that signifcant. We need to look at the big picture."

The big picture, according to the source is that in spite of all appearances, all statistics, all data, and all objective evidence, "they are losing and we are winning." " That's the only conclusion you can come to," the source, declares "if you don't get stuck on facts. Robert McNamara got stuck on facts and look what happened to him."

According to the source, you've got to look beyond the facts to get the big picture and if you look at the big picture you can definitely see that the surge is working.

"It's working," he said, resolutely.

What would convince the highly placed source and the President that the surge wasn't working? "Well, basically, nothing," said the source. "The rise in Iraqi deaths proves that the surge is working because the enemy is desperate; a drop in deaths would prove it's working because there are fewer attacks. A drop in US casualties would prove the surge was working because the mission was really being accomplished; a rise US casualties would prove that the surge was working because more enemy were being confronted. The absence of attacks on US soil proves the surge is working becuase the enemy is too busy in Iraq to do us any harm; an attack on US soil would prove it was working because the enemy was being driven out of Iraq and forced to do mischief elsewhere."

"The surge is working," he said again.

"It's undeniable," he repeated.

"Completely undeniable," he asserted.

"Even for people who are in total denial, like the President, his administration and me," said the source, "it's undeniable."

"Why can't everyone see that and just stop denying that it's working?"