Last minute Lakers heroics cut Celtics lead to 39

Los Angeles Lakers Luke Walton’s clutch free throw, made with just 30 seconds left in the game, destroyed the Boston Celtics hopes of beating the Lakers by more than 40 points in the sixth game of this year’s NBA Finals. The free throw capped off a 7-3 Lakers surge during the final, exciting, 1:22 and cut the Celtics lead from a game high 43 points to a mere 39. A Jordan Farmar three-point shot and a Sasha Vujacic jumper rounded out the flurry of Lakers scoring.

“Speaking as the world’s greatest basketball player,” said Lakers guard Kobe Bryant, the world’s greatest basketball player, “it was great to see the other guys step up and cut into the Celtics lead.” Bryant, who left the game at the 2:21 mark with 22 points was replaced by Vujacic who had scored 5 critical points before his last minute jumper ballooned his point total to 7.

“We couldn’t get it done,” said crestfallen Celtics forward Kevin Garnett. “We had a chance to make history, and we blew it. Winning the championship is some consolation, but you get a chance to beat the Lakers by more than 40 points about once a century. We flat out weren’t able to hold them off.”

“It would have been easy for our guys to give up when they were 43 points behind,” said Lakers coach Phil Jackson, “but they never quit. They stepped up. They did what they needed to do, even with the world's greatest basketball player sitting on the bench. I'm proud of every member of our team, especially the world's greatest basketball player, who was willing to let his teammates show what they were made of.”

Obama to undergo sex change operation

In order to create unity within the Democratic Party, presumptive nominee Barack Obama has pledged to undergo a sex change operation to become the party’s first black and female candidate.

“Woman deserve more than the Vice Presidency,” said Obama to a cheering crowd. “Senator Clinton’s tireless campaigning has earned women the right to be represented at the top of the ticket. To put Senator Clinton in a subordinate role would be an affront not only to her—but to women everywhere.”

“And while the candidate who has gotten the majority of delegate votes must be the nominee, that nominee can be both black and female if that candidate is willing to undergo a simple operation.”

“I am willing to undergo that operation, and as a female, to proudly carry on the work that Senator Clinton has started.”

“This is an important decision, and I have discussed it with my wife Michelle, who herself is a female, as are my two daughters both of whom are females, my white grandmother who is a female and who is descended from a long line of females.”

“I asked Michelle, ‘Can we make this kind of sacrifice for American?’ and do you know what Michelle said?”

“She said, ‘Yes we can.’”

Obama Iraq visit challenge a ploy

Presumptive Republican candidate John McCain has challenged Democratic front-runner, Barack Obama to visit Iraq. According to the Hillary Rodham Clinton campaign the invitation is a political ploy.

“If Senator Obama does not go to Iraq,” said Mary Dawes, an analyst for the Clinton campaign, “McCain will brand him a coward. If he does go, they will declare that Iraq is safe and McCain’s strategy has been a success. Either way, they believe, Senator Obama and the Democratic Party will lose.”

“But Senator Obama can turn the tables on McCain and help the Democratic Party win this election. He must take McCain’s challenge and go to Iraq. Then Senator Obama must make sure he is killed, ideally within just a few hours of arrival. That will prove that Iraq is not safe, that the Republicans have failed, and McCain was wrong. It also means that that Osama bin Laden wants John McCain to be elected President, not Barack Obama.”

“Once Senator Obama has been killed in the service of his nation and his party, Senator Clinton will deliver the funeral oration that she has rewritten to honor Senator Obama’s bravery; then she will become the Democratic nominee; then she will beat McCain in the November election; and then she will build a memorial in Senator Obama’s honor, the nation's first honoring an inexperienced Black Senator."

“Now it’s up to Senator Obama to decide: does he want his party to win, or not? And does he want a nice memorial?”

Plans for the memorial along with a link to the revised funeral oration will be posted soon at: http://www.hillaryclinton.com/obama_sacrifice_memorial.

Superdelegates votes auctioned on eBay

A group of superdelegates, calling themselves "Democratic market makers" have opened a site on eBay where they will sell vote pledges using the eBay auction system. Pledges will be auctioned each week until a Democratic candidate has been selected.

"We will accept bids from all qualified candidates, not just Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama," said Dean Furst, auction manager for the group. "That includes Dennis Kucinich, Ralph Nader, and also John McCain and Mitt Romney. Democrats may want to bid in order to end the nominating process. Republicans will want to bid to prolong it."

"Markets are what make democracy work," said presumptive Republican candidate John McCain, speaking about something entirely different, yet still quotable in this context.

Candidates disown political liabilities

“A man should live by his words,” said presidential hopeful Barack Obama, as he disowned both his black minister and his white grandmother. “When I said that I could no more disown Reverend Wright than I could disown my own white grandmother, I meant it” he explained. “America’s leaders must avoid sentimental attachments if those attachments stand in the way of governing.”

“I hoped someone would say that,” replied presumptive nominee John McCain, as he filed papers formally disowning President George W. Bush.

“While I still do not believe that Senator Obama is experienced, electable, or half white,” said Democratic candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton, “I am taking this opportunity to disown my husband, Bill; my entire campaign staff; my husband, Bill; the millions of voters who did not and will not vote for me; and, of course, my husband, Bill.”

Latest Clinton strategy planned

The latest example of aggressive, winner-take-all, bare-knuckle politics from the Hillary Rodham Clinton team is their new campaign: “Vote for the bitch.”

The campaign includes videos, buttons and placards that celebrate Hillary’s meanness, spitefulness, and nastiness, and point out how those qualities will serve the American people when she is elected president.

“America doesn’t want someone who is going to bake cookies for Osama bin Laden. We want someone who is going to rip his balls off,’ said Miranda DeWitt, who designed the campaign. “Hillary’s the one to do it.”

Obama considers dual candidacy

In an effort to capture more votes from whites while retaining strong support in the black community, candidate Barack Obama is considering a plan to run as two candidates.”

Obama staff are investigating the possibility of listing Obama twice on each ballot, once as Barack Obama and once as either Barry O’Bama or Barry Alabama.

The campaign is running focus groups to see which name is most attractive to the target demographic--stupid white voters--which numbers in the tens of millions, favors John McCain, and could determine the election.

McCain accuses Obama of flip-flopping on race

Presidential contender Barack Obama has been flip-flopping on race, says presumptive Republican candidate John McCain.

“One week he tries to appeal to white voters by saying he says he’s half white,” said McCain. “The next week he panders to black voters by saying he’s half black.”

“This is the kind of flip-flopping and issue-avoidance we’ve come to expect from Democrats.”

When asked about his own racial background, McCain said: “When you’ve been captured by the Vietnamese, held prisoner for hundreds of years and tortured thousands of times, race is no longer an issue.”

Clinton: I will be best candidate after the Obama assassination

In a speech that supporters described as “inspiring,” Hillary Rodham Clinton has announced that she will continue her campaign, not to win the nomination, but to give the Party it strongest candidate after Barack Obama’s assassination.

“Whether Obama is assassinated before the convention or whether he is assassinated while campaigning, the Democratic Party will need a candidate who is ready on day one—the day after the assassination” said Clinton.

“I am that candidate.”

“We will need someone who has prepared an inspiring funeral oration, who has practiced for months on end, and who will deliver it with energy and fire.”

“I am that person.”

“I am prepared to hunt down the assassins, even if they turn out to have been members of my own campaign. And when they are found, I will see that they get what they deserve.”

“I will unify the Party around the memory of the man who will have given his life to pursue the dream that I will carry forward, only less naively and more competently than he would have.”

“This is my pledge.”

Obama more white than black

In an effort to help their candidate’s appeal to racist white voters, the Barack Obama’s campaign has announced that scientific studies show that Obama is more white than black, and have started an advertising campaign publicizing the news.

“Barack Obama’s white genes come from his white mother and his black genes come from his black father,” said Professor Howard R. Middleton, a geneticist working for the campaign. “This means he that although his 22 evenly paired chromosomes have genes that are split 50:50—half from his mother and half from his father, But Obama, like every male has a 23rd pair with an X chromosome from his mother paired with a smaller Y chromosome from his father. Since the X chromosome, the white X chromosome, has more genes than the black Y chromosome, Obama is as much as 3% whiter than he is black.”

“This is good news indeed,” said Dale, “Joe Billy Bob” Spawnbrook, head of White Racists for Obama, a confused political organization headquartered in Biloxi, Mississippi.

The Obama campaign’s now must get the news out to the voting public and they are doing it with a new advertising campaign. The new ads show Obama surrounded by white people and close with one of two tag lines “Obama: not as black as he looks," and “Obama: whiter than you think.”

“We believe that this will help us in many districts,” said LaDawn Miller, a campaign strategist, “especially districts that are full of the kinds of embittered, racist, pin-headed, small-town yahoos that have voted for honkies like Hillary Clinton and in the past and that ofay John McCain in the future”

Obama to pre-empt McCain by attacking self

Democratic front-runner Barack Obama plans to limit the damage caused by attacks from the presumptive Republican nominee John McCain by attacking himself first.

“The American people know there are problems in everyone’s past,” said an Obama staffer. “The important thing is to get those problems out in the open. Once the American people get over the initial shock, they pretty much forget about it. The way to prevent an 11^th hour scandal from hurting Senator Obama is by creating that today, at 3:00.”

To head off McCain’s attacks, the Obama campaign is readying a series of advertisements highlighting out Obama’s character flaws, lack of experience, and blackness. “We’re going to start off by showing he’s not fit to be President,” said a spokesperson, “and we’re going hammer that message until people start tuning it out. Then at the 11’th hour, it will be time to attack McCain.”

The McCain campaign is readying their early self-attack campaign. The first ad has news clips of McCain’s singing “Bomb Iran” saying we will be in Iraq for 100 years, and forgetting what country is which. Staffers are debating which closing line to use: “Vote for McCain, because he’s even dumber than Bush” or “Vote for McCain. He sucks.”

Hamas begins “Operation Chaos”

The Wolf Report has learned that the Islamic radical group Hamas has developed a plan intended to derail the electoral process in the United States. The plan is called “Operation Chaos,” only it's called that in Arabic not English, because that’s the language that Hamasians, or whatever they call themselves, speak.

Operation Chaos was created by the popular Arabic talk-show host Rashid Al-Imbah who is encouraging all the Hamasians in his listening audience to tell Western reporters that they prefer Barack Obama to John McCain as President of the United States. According to Al-Imbah, gullible Western reporters will write stories that gullible American voters will read, then swallow, and then vote for McCain, the candidate that Rashid Al-Imbah and Hamas really want to see in power.

“If elected, McCain will continue to use the tried and tested Bush strategy,” said Al-Imbah, “and he will get the same results: the anger of Arabs, the alienation of America’s and Israel’s allies, mountains of debt, and thousands of wounded soldiers who will be a tax on the American economy for years to come.”

“We want to see the Bush plan continue,” Al-Imbah said. “Obama is dangerous because he may do something that is better for America, and worse for Hamas. Hamas must support Obama and get McCain elected.”

McCain announces plan: marketize, privatize, deregulate

Senator John McCain, under criticism for not being specific enough about his policies, has announced a comprehensive plan for solving all of American’s problems. The problem, according to McCain, is government. The solution is to marketize, privatize, and deregulate government, starting with the war in Iraq.

“As Commander-in-Chief,” said McCain, in an address announcing the plan, “I will marketize, privatize, and deregulate the war and make it profitable within 90 days.

“I will privatize it by immediately selling the bureaucratic and inefficient Department of Defense to entrepreneurial companies like Halliburton and Blackwater who will quickly turn a war that costs taxpayers billions into a profitable business that creates jobs for Americans.

“I will deregulate our new soldier-entrepreneurs so they are not only freed from the Geneva Conventions, the Universal Declaration of Human rights, and United States Law, as our current soldiers are, but also from the tyranny of the bureaucratic military codes imposed by the former Department of Defense and the inefficiencies of congressional oversight. This will help them quickly achieve their profitability goals.”

“And I will fully marketize the war it by expanding our program of buying the loyalty of Iraqi tribal leaders. We will create an Open Iraq Loyalty Market where everyone’s loyalty can be bought and sold at transparent market-driven prices. We will achieve peace when every Iraqi can be bought—with Iraq’s own money—and at a profit to Blackwater, Haliburton, and the United States.”

“While the war is being marketized, privatized, and deregulated I will also marketize, privatize, and deregulate the rest of our government, starting with health care and Social Security. ”

“And I will complete the job that we Republicans have already started, of marketizing, privatizing, and deregulating the slow, costly, and inefficient process of choosing our Senators, Representatives, and our next President.”

Postal gruntling campaign successful

A recent study by the Department of Specious Statistics (DSS) shows that the number of homicides committed by disgruntled postal workers has dropped since the United States Postal Service instituted its Anti-disgruntling campaign in 1994.

“Before we paid attention to how gruntled our employees were,” said Brad Fitch, the Postal Service’s Director of Employee Gruntlement, “a postal worker would get disgruntled and before you knew it they'd kill a dozen or two of their co-workers. But since 1995 when we started our proactive Workplace Gruntification program, only one postal worker has killed anyone, and then a mere six people many of whom seemed to deserve it.”

The gruntlement program addresses gruntation issues at every level including gruntability training for supervisors, gruntowerment sessions for employees, and regular assessment of gruntitelement levels through both psychological profiles and by checking Gruntol levels in blood and urine. Gruntol is a hormone believed to cause feelings of gruntlement, and low gruntol levels have been correlated with disgruntlement and violence.

The DSS has recommended that Gruntability Training be expanded to the entire federal workforce including the Army, Navy, and Air Force, but excluding the Marines, where disgruntlement and accompanying homicidal tendencies are highly valued.

Clinton Yalie message resonates with poor, white, uneducated voters

Exit polls show that poor, uneducated, working-class whites feel that candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton's Yale background makes her seem “more like folks like us” than does Barack Obama, a Harvard graduate.

“I like Yalies” said Merv Thomas, a bitter small town voter who lives halfway between New Haven, Connecticut, home of Yale, and Cambridge, Massachusetts, home of Harvard, and who thinks that means he knows both schools.

“I like Yalies because they call themselves Yalie and not something snooty like Yale man. That makes them sound like they are the kind of people you can knock back a few shots with. But what do you call someone from Harvard who is a friend? A Harvie? A Harv? You can't call them anything because they aren't friends with folks like me. I can't imagine splitting a six pack with a Harv, or voting for one, either."

Hillary vows to fight on, thanks Republican voters

Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton, encouraged by the 2% margin in Indiana given to her by Republican voters, has announced that she will fight on.

"Indiana Republicans have a right to decide who they would like John McCain to beat in November, just as Indiana Democrats have a right to see who they would like to beat McCain," Clinton said in her victory speech. "I am proud that the overwhelming majority of party-crossing Limbaugh-programmed chaos-creating Republicans want to see me beaten to a bloody pulp by McCain and if I am nominated I will do everything that I can to live up to the trust that they have placed in me."

Clinton has vowed to fight on--through the next round of primaries, through the convention, through the election, through the inauguration of John McCain, and through the heat death of the universe, if necessary. "It takes a great deal of courage for a Republican to throw up in his or her mouth and vote for a Democrat like me," she said, "and I am not about to let them down simply because the people in my party want someone else."

"My opponent may have won a majority of Democrats in this state," she continued, "but the president must be the president of all the people including my Republican supporters--all of who would drink poison or shoot themselves sooner than vote for me in a general election. But democracy means that every vote counts, especially a vote for me."

Scientists discover cure for global warming

Scientists working at the Federal Institute for Stupid Ideas (FISI) have discovered an old technique with a new application. Nuclear winter, a term popularized in 1982 by astrophysicist Carl Sagan is a hypothetical condition resulting when detonation of large numbers of nuclear weapons blow smoke and ash into the atmosphere and prevent the sun’s light from reaching the earth. According to the theory, the reduction in sunlight will lead a dramatic cooling of the planet's surface--by as much as 20 degrees--and a possible worldwide winter. According to the FISI scientists, an adaptation to this technique, called “Controlled Nuclear Winter” could solve the problem of global warming by offsetting greenhouse-gas based warming with nuclear bomb-based cooling.

“Nuclear weapons by themselves cannot produce enough smoke and ash to cool the earth sufficiently,” says Hans Selkirk head of the Institute, “which is why the bombs need to be detonated over highly flammable cities. Our studies show that if we blow up cities of the proper aggregate size we can make sure that the earth’s temperature drops just enough, but not too much. And if we use smallest bomb needed to completely incinerate a given city we can minimize the amount of nuclear radiation and subsequent mutant children that result from our saving the planet.”

FISI has received funding for a pilot program, designed to produce parametric models of city size and temperature drop and to optimize the bombs used. The models will then be calibrated by dropping bombs on several cities and measuring the cooling. “It would be irresponsible of us to roll out this program worldwide without some thorough testing beforehand.” said Selkirk, “We need several data points to be sure our models are correct.”

According to plans, FISI will carry out tests over the first chosen cities—Tehran and Pyongyang immediately and San Francisco just before the November elections.

Democrats getting sick and tired of democracy

As the race for the party’s nomination enters its 23^rd month, Democrats are growing tired of democracy, The Wolf Report polls show.

“All this voting is getting kind of tiring,” said Marge Sizlic, an average Democrat. Sizlic would like to see fewer debates, fewer political ads, and more tag-team wrestling. “It seems like every week there’s another election somewhere. It’s getting pretty boring, all this voting. Why don’t they do what the Republicans did and choose the oldest guy or whatever they did.”

Sizlic, a lifelong average Democrat, plans to vote a straight Democratic ticket next November as she does every year. “That is,” she says, “unless they do something really stupid like running a a retard, or a woman, or a black or a negro or whatever they call themselves these days. ”

“In that case I’m voting Republican.”

First part of 10 Commandments v 2.0 completed

The non-sectarian, Ecumenical Committee to Update the Commandments (ECUC) has completed the first part of its planned revamping of the ten commandments. The committee includes Jewish, Christian, and Muslim ethicists and theologians, along with two Buddhists, three Wiccans, and a Scientologist. The complete document, originally to be called “Ten Commandments Version 2.0” (10CV2) was to be released in 1990. The current plan is to release sections, each replacing one of the original commandments, with a schedule that now stretches through 2050.

The first section, an 800 page draft with over 10,000 new commandments, will replace the old Thou shalt not kill as soon as its public review is completed. The draft has been posted on the ECUC web site and will be sold in book form at the Committee’s e-store (http://estore.newtencommandments.org.) It will be available in paper or by electronic download. The committee accepts all major credit cards.

“Although the new commandments are behind schedule,” said Rabbi Meyer Shulman, chairman of the subcommittee that produced the Thou shalt not kill replacement, “we think people will find it worth the wait. These new commandments provide practical and flexible guidance that people can use in facing the myriad problems of modern life. Perhaps the old ‘Thou shalt not kill’ was sufficient for a bunch camel-herding Jews wandering in the desert, but it won’t work for the millions of modern people who travel across continents, live in complex tech-driven societies, and have to deal with sex, drugs, rock ‘n roll, and Internet porn. What do you do if an insane pedophile is about to molest your child? What do you do if you have a chance to stop Hitler from taking power? What do you do if you meet a Republican and no one is watching? The old commandment had the same simple answer, impractical in many of these cases. The new draft answers all of these questions and thousands more.”

The next section, replacing Thou shalt not commit adultery, is nearing completion and its draft will be posted within a year. The committee expects that the new commandments will be more than 1,000 pages long, and will be released with hundreds of full-color photographs and a DVD-video showing people exactly what not to do and how not to do it. It will be X-rated.

McCain proposes “market-based” health plan

Senator John McCain has announced his “market-based” health plan (see article here). The proposal is based on McCain’s belief that the free markets can provide better health care for poor people than a strictly government-managed plan.

“Under a free-market plan, my friends,” said McCain in an address unveiling the plan, “impoverished people can sell their internal organs on the open market and use the money to buy health-care for themselves and their families, or to pay for much-needed vacations, or for home improvements—assuming they are not themselves homeless. Poor people with damaged or otherwise unsalable internal organs can sell the organs of their children, relatives, or neighbors. They can sell their body fluids, or carry out the other free-market transactions that this health care plan will encourage.”

“My friends, experience has shown that free markets do a far better job of allocating scarce resources like kidneys, eyes, lungs, and skin than our government ever can. Markets keep special interest groups like the aged, the sick, and the hungry from monopolizing the resources that young, healthy, well-fed, and rich people want to have. Markets are democratic: they value a pauper's dollar exactly the same as they value a millionaire’s dollar.”

To show he's a man of action, and not just a man with big ideas, McCain has kicked off the plan by buying three kidneys and an adrenal gland with his wife's money, and donating them to a homeless shelter.

Conservatives, Progressives to Swap Names

In a deal brokered by The Wolf Report, progressives and conservatives have agreed to swap names.

“It’s been kind of dumb to call ourselves progressives for a while,” said Jim Able, a leading progressive spokesman. “All we want to do is to conserve things—like jobs, the environment, our nation’s heritage, and by maintaining a balanced budget we want to conserve our children’s wealth. In fact, I don't know why we're called progressive. We’re pretty much opposed to progress, whether it’s global trade, genetically modified crops, nuclear energy, a factory, or a big-box store. You name it. If it’s progress, we hate it. I think conservative would be a better description for us, but—you know—there are already people using that word.”

“It’s our description, but it hardly seems to fit,” said Stephen DeMarst, a leading conservative spokesperson. “We’re no longer interested in conserving anything. Conserve the environment? Not if it gets in the way of progress, building the houses and factories and roads that people need. Balance the budget? Not if that stands in the way of providing new weapons for our military or new entitlements. We conservatives want to get beyond the old and get on to the new: new inventions, new companies, new technologies, new global structures, and a new world order. We want progress! I think progressive would be a better name for us.”

At midnight tonight, according to the deal negotiated by The Wolf Report, all people formerly called “conservative” will be called “progressive”; all people formerly called “progressive” will be called “conservative;" all people who care about these labels will continue to be called “stupid.”

Wolf Report passes 100 post mark with 101st post

The Wolf Report passed the 100 post mark by publishing its 101'st post. The self-referential post had nothing else useful to contribute but managed to fill several more paragraphs with drivel to mark the momentous occasion.

This post is a milestone, but only because of two accidents of history. The first led to our using a system of counting using the base ten. Although no one from The Wolf Report has been able to verify this, but it is widely believe that the choice of ten as the based of our counting system was motivated by the number of fingers on a pair of typical human hands. But for that accident of history, this occasion would not have merited a single word, much less had someone going on for two paragraphs and just about ready to start the third.

By contrast, in a society that did all their counting in binary, the 100 post mark would have passed almost 96 (decimal) posts ago. And in a society based on counting in hexadecimal, the 100 post mark would be more than one hundred (decimal) posts away. This makes the particular choice of the sequence of this 101'st post less significant than it would be if our counting was based on an inevitable choice based on some universal constant rather than fingers.

But it is not. We use the decimal system. And it's some cause for celebration. Though why, I cannot imagine.

For those who remember that there were two acts of history, and not one, the second accident of history was the posting of the first post 100 (base 10) posts ago.

Beer, wine, found contaminated

A $200 million study by the United States Department of Wasting Taxpayer Money on Stupid Things (DWTMST) has found that nearly all beer and wine sold in this country is contaminated. “We have found evidence of yeast urine in every sample that we’ve tested,” said Briggs Cutler, Director of the Department. “Investigating we discovered that winemakers and brewers do nothing to prevent yeast from infesting their beverages, and indeed encourage conditions under which these creatures can live, grow, and pee.”

“Yeast piss is not only a poison,” said Stephanie Dowd, head of the Committee Against Intoxication and Other Forms of Fun (CAIOFF), “but it’s addictive as well. The Department’s study gives one more reason why beer, wine, and other such yeast-infested beverages should be outlawed.”

“It’s not the government’s job keep people from drinking yeast wee wee,” said presumptive Republican presidential candidate John McCain. “A simple notice: ‘Caution, contains yeast piddle,’ on beverages will notify consumers and allow them to make their own choices.”

“My daddy taught me to this,” said Democratic candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton, as she tossed back a jigger of distilled, aged, bonded Kentucky sour mash yeast piss, followed it with a fermented barley-malt yeast piss chaser, and then fired her rifle into the roof of a bar in Pennsylvania.

“Remove their right to drink yeast pee,” said candidate Barack Obama, “and small town Americans will become even more bitter. When I am elected president I’ll bring together a group of all the concerned parties: consumers, brewers, winemakers, distillers, alcoholics, and even some yeast, to explore the issues and formulate a national yeast-piss policy.

Committee sees hard work paying off

Months of hard work by the Democratic Party’s Committee to Snatch Defeat from the Jaws of Victory (CSDJV) is paying off as candidates Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama savage one another in an effort to cost the party as many votes in November as possible.

“Despite an unpopular president, an unpopular war, and a geriatric opponent,” said Myron Burke, chairman of the Committee, “this is an election we still think we can lose. Having a woman and a black as candidates is going to help us lose, but it’s not enough. It’s going to take more hard work and stupid mistakes on our part if we’re to lose to a man who wants to stay in Iraq for 100 years. But we’ve got an unparalleled track record at losing elections that we might have won and we’re going to lose this one. Our candidates are going to keep destroying one another until Daffy Duck could beat either one. And then do more damage until John McCain can beat them. The American people have to realize that we’re just plain not fit to govern.”

“Not if we have anything to say about it,” said Marie Warther, head of the Committee to Destroy the Republican Party. “In the last seven years we’ve helped George W. Bush violate every principle that our party used to stand for. We’ve had him increase the size of government, increase entitlements, unbalance the budget, raise the national debt, intervene in foreign affairs, and engage in nation building. If the American people can’t see that we have even fewer principles and less integrity than the Democrats, then I suppose they deserve a Democrat as president.

Lost Biblical passage recovered

An ancient Biblical passage has been discovered, according to Reverend Adam Turner, special advisor to the President on spiritual, moral, ethical, and electability affairs. The passage completely justifies the country's engagement in Afghanistan and Iraq.

"Some have said that the Bible says '...turn the other cheek' and that this is inconsistent with our invasion of Afghanistan and Iraq because of 9/11. But Biblical research has helped us recover the entire passage. The original passage, reads as follows:

‘...But I tell thee, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes thee on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue thee and take thy tunic, let him have thy cloak as well. If someone forces thee to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks thee , and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from thee.’

To which the newly recovered text adds this clarification:

“And if someone flies even one of thy airplanes into even one of thy buildings, then thou shalt invade every country thou wanteth and thou shalt smite them with shock and with awe and 160,000 of thy soldiers.”

Scholars disagree on whether the disputed term should be translated so that the phrase would be ‘…invade every fucking country…’ or, ‘...invade every mother-fucking country…’

“The President is proud that the actions that he took have been supported by the Bible,” said Turner. “We are now attempting to determine whether an additional text, which says that ‘And thou shalt not permit an axis of evil to persist’ will justify our planned invasion of Iran, North Korea and the Democratic National Convention or whether we can eliminate the axis by invading just two of the three.

Manilow no longer Barry

by Special Correspondent Matt

The Artist Formerly Known as Barry Manilow (TAFKABM) has revealed that like his presidential choice, Barack Obama, he is sick of the name Barry. He will release his next album, “Don’t Call Me Barry” under his new stage name, Barack Opincus.

Just after his bar mitzvah the former Manilow changed both his instrument—from accordion to piano—and his name—from Pincus to his mother's maiden name, Manilow. “Pincus is a good name for an accordion player,” he told a friend, “but Barry Pincus will never perform a #1 song, fill a concert hall with swooning gray-haired ladies, or even get laid. Barry Manilow will do them all.”

TAFKABM says Obama inspired him to make the latest change. “Names matter,” he said, “and you’ve got to move with the times. Barry Bama could have kept his original name and gone on to be a basketball player, if he could make the moves, or a pop star, if he could write the songs. But he couldn't be president. By changing his name to Barack Obama, well, yes he can.”

Obama Ties Go Beyond Lobbyists

The Wolf Report has learned that presidential candidate Barack Obama is not only tied to lobbyists, as reported in a front page article in USA Today (see here), but is also connected to criminals, mass murderers, Communists, Nazis, and Republicans. Obama’s is connected to Al Capone, Pol Pot, Josef Stalin, Adolf Hitler, and Dick Cheney, among others.

“We have determined that Barack Obama is linked—by as few as four degrees of separation—to a bone-chilling array of scurrilous and unsavory characters,” asserted Adam Firth, sensational assertions editor for The Wolf Report, USA Today, and ABC News. “For example Obama’s wife’s girlfriend’s cousin knows a man who once met OJ Simpson. And a man who met someone who contributed to Obama’s campaign has a cousin who once passed the house of a direct descendent of someone who might have been in the Gestapo.”

Obama’s links may be familial as well. According to a geneticist consulted by The Wolf Report, Obama’s DNA is “almost certain to be a 99% match” to the DNA of many war criminals, serial killers, and lawyers, as well as all of the people of Iran and North Korea. According to the expert, Hillary Rodham Clinton’s DNA is a likely match as well.

To scientifically test these assertions, The Wolf Report has requested DNA samples from the Clinton, Obama, and McCain campaigns. The McCain campaign has informed The Wolf Report that “all of John McCain’s DNA was forcibly and painfully removed by his North Vietnamese captors during his long, valiant, and heroic years of torture.” The Obama and Clinton campaigns have called the assertions "outrageous" and "insane" and have refused to cooperate.

“The people have the right to know all about the DNA of any candidates who have DNA,” said a McCain spokesperson. “We support The Wolf Report's efforts to learn the truth about the candidates.”

Candidates practicing phone calls at 3AM

The Wolf Report has learned that Presidential candidates Barack Obama, Hillary Rodham Clinton, and John McCain have all been practicing one of the skills most highly valued in a President: the ability to answer a phone call at 3AM.

Clinton began her training nearly three months before her TV ad campaign. “We started gradually,” said a campaign staffer, “with phone calls at around 1AM. The initial results were disappointing. When the phone rang Hillary would shriek ‘Bill, get the god damned phone, it’s probably one of your…” well, she used a phrase meaning ‘sexually available loose-valued young women.’ But after a few nights she was able to answer ‘President Hillary Rodham Clinton speaking, what’s is the situation.’

“From that point on,” the source continued, “we created phone scenarios of increasing difficulty while moving the calls back fifteen minutes at a time to 3AM, which we believe is the time that an attack would most likely to be mounted. By the time we ran the ads, she was ready.”

According to Obama staffers, he began his training just after the first Clinton ad was aired. “His ability was amazing,” said a staffer. “Our plan was to start with a 3AM call and then back off to an hour that was comfortable. But he was able to respond to the first crisis call and to every one since then with a perfectly nuanced, well articulated answer that showed both insight and compassion, toughness and empathy, strength and softness. Several times the people who were role-playing the crisis scenario were moved to tears and spontaneous applause.”

McCain staffers are confident that their candidate can answer the 3AM call if it comes. “For years, Senator McCain has been waking up at 3AM to deal with the personnel of the vivid dreams he’s had since his capture and torture by the North Vietnamese. We are sure he’ll handle a real 3AM crisis as ably as he deals with the imaginary ones, although hopefully with less yelling and shooting.”

Obama campaign re-clarifies “bitter” remarks

In an exclusive interview with The Wolf Report an unnamed, anonymous, unofficial representative of the Obama campaign clarified the previous clarification by an unnamed semi-official representative of the campaign of the earlier clarification by a campaign spokesman of Obama’s own clarification of his recent remarks after their initial obfuscation by opponent Hillary Rodham Clinton and further confusion, restatement, misquotation, and perversion of those remarks by named and unnamed, anonymous and attributed, official, semi-official, and unofficial representatives of the Clinton, McCain, Nader and emerging bin Laden campaigns (see story).

“Senator Obama was not referring to all small-town Americans when he made remarks referring to ‘bitter’ small-town voters who ‘cling to guns and religion,’ nor was he referring to just Republican small-town voters as stated in the second re-clarification, nor was he referring to Republican voters in a particular small town, as explained in the fifth. He was in fact referring a growing number of voters, who have now filed affidavits stating their position. I will read one of them, for the record: ‘I, Emmett J. Hoskins am a bitter small town voter. I cling bitterly to my gun, my religion, my family, my race, and my dog. I hate NAFTA, black people, and pretty much anybody from out of town. Nevertheless I will vote for Barack Obama in November because he stands up for people like me, because he is not afraid to say politically stupid things, and because he will pay me once elected president by enacting programs that will help me and bitter, small town, gun-toting, small-minded, bible thumping racists like me.’”

“I hope this puts the matter to rest.”

Bin Laden Considering Run for President

The Wolf Report has learned from close associates of terrorist leader Osama bin Laden that he is again considering his candidacy for President of the United States.

An announcement, if the plan moves forward, will likely be made along with the long-awaited Initial Public Offering (IPO) of Al-Qaeda, LLC, the terrorist leader's franchising organization and holding company.

An earlier plan, to announce bin Laden’s entry into the race just after simultaneous suicide bombings at McCain, Obama, and Clinton rallies was vetoed by bin Laden after focus groups held in his cave indicated it would “bring his numbers down.”

“In truth,” said a bin Laden campaign spokesman, “Osama bin Laden would be the only candidate who could end the so-called ‘war on terror.’ He can do it not by spending trillions but with a few words to his followers. And in cooperation with the United States—which he would give if elected President—he could resolve the situation in Iraq in days. This would release trillions of dollars which could then be used to rebuild America’s deteriorating infrastructures, educate and truly leave no child in America left behind, feed the poor not only in America but in the rest of the world, and usher in an era of peace and prosperity not seen since last Caliphate.”

The Wolf Report will continue to provide news as the campaign strategy evolves.

Iraq War Not That Funny Any More

According to an analysis just released by The Wolf Report, the Iraq War is not as funny as it used to be. While there was a surge in jokes around the time that the surge in troops began, the report points out that number of jokes has subsequently declined steadily.

“This is an unfair criticism of a very successful war,” said Adam Carlson, Public Relations Officer for the war. “First, we must be clear. The purpose of the war was never comedy, but rather entertainment. It has been highly successful, diverting, and entertaining war with high viewership and news-readership ratings, an enormous number of entertaining pro- and anti-war blogs and books, and with several major motion pictures completed and more on their way.

“Second it’s important to realize that the war’s story line has always included tragedy, drama, pathos, adventure, and sport as well as comedy. These are all components of an entertaining conflict and have all been exploited. A decline in the number of number of jokes related to an otherwise highly engaging war is not an indicator of the war’s over-all success.”

“Finally, despite the recent drop in jokes, the fact that both our allies and enemies are still laughing at us is evidence that the comedic aspect of the war continues to meet its objectives.

“It’s also important to remember that the war’s humorous tag lines—“shock and awe,” ‘WMD’s’, “mission accomplished,’ ‘stay the course’ and of course ‘surge’—have become funny only in retrospect. Contemporaneously they were all taken seriously. I predict that as events unfold that actions and statement that today are taken seriously will be looked backed upon as laughable and occasionally ridiculous.

“The Wolf Report report’s analysis is unfair not only to the people who invented and planned this war but also to the brave men and women who have worked so hard to bring it to its present state.

Democrats in Rocky Balboa Crisis

The Democratic Party’s nominating process has reached a crisis as Pennsylvanians decide whether Hillary Rodham Clinton or Barack Obama is the real Rocky Balboa.

“I’m the real Rocky Balboa, for several reasons” said Hillary Clinton to a cheering Philadelphia crowd. “First, I’m Rocky because I am the underdog, trailing in the delegate count. Second, I’m Rocky because I’m the underdog, trailing in the popular vote. Third, I’m Rocky because at this point everyone says I need a miracle to win. Just like Rocky.”

“While Hillary Clinton can claim to be Rocky Balboa,” said Barack Obama to a different cheering Philadelphia crowd, “let’s remember that Hillary Clinton did not start out as Rocky. She started out as Apollo Creed. Or as Clubber Lang. Or as Ivan Drago. Or as Mason Dixon. But not Rocky. She was Hillary Apollo Lang Drago Dixon Rodham Clinton and I was Rocky. The true underdog.

“Now she’s losing and suddenly she’s saying she’s Rocky. When Apollo Creed starting losing he couldn’t say: ‘Hold on, I’m Rocky because I’m losing.’ When Clubber Lang starting losing he couldn’t say: ‘Hold on, I’m Rocky because I’m losing.’ When Ivan Drago starting losing he couldn’t say: ‘Hold on, I’m Rocky because I’m losing’ When Mason Dixon starting losing he couldn’t say: ‘Hold on, I’m Rocky because I’m losing.’ They couldn’t say they were Rocky because once you are not Rocky you stay not Rocky.

"Hillary Apollo Lang Drago Dixon Rodham Clinton can not suddenly turn into Rocky because she’s losing.

“I was Rocky. I am Rocky. And I will be Rocky.”

“Actually,” said Republican John McCain to yet a different cheering crowd somewhere, possibly in Iraq, “I'm Rocky. I was always the underdog. I came back from the dead and defeated seven of the world's meanest, nastiest Republicans. And, most important--whether for being Rocky Balboa or for being President of the United States--I’m a white male. Let's not forget that.”

Obama older, whiter, maler than believed

The Obama campaign is adjusting its strategy in order to show Democratic candidate Barack Obama as the most electable Democrat in a face-off with old, white, male Republican candidate John McCain. In a press conference today the campaign positioned Obama as “older, whiter, and maler than people think.”

In a press conference today, Obama spokesperson John Levitt was joined by Hilton Prescott, chief scientist at the Oreo Institute, which measures the color-ratio of people who are black on the outside and white on the inside, Rocky Burke of the Testosterone Foundation, an organization which studies the maleness of public figures, and Bob Wilson from the AARP, a lobbying group for decrepit old people.

According to The Oreo Institute, a typical Oreo has black surfaces that are twice the size of its white center, which, is why a most Oreos measure 66% black, 33% white, and one percent additives and preservatives.

But the Institute's measurements of Obama shows that he is more than 61.5% white and growing whiter by the day. “We believe his whiteness is due to several factors.” Prescott explained. “First, Obama was raised by a white mother in a single parent family; second, he went to Harvard (which alone makes him nearly 19% whiter); and third and most important, because he is committed to be as white as he needs to be to represent a mostly white American public as their president.”

The Testosterone Institute reported that they had measured the testosterone level, the primary indicator of maleness, of all the candidates, and found that Obama’s level far exceeded McCain’s, making him the more male of the two candidates. “In fact,” said Burke, “Hillary Clinton’s testosterone level exceeds McCain’s by quite a bit, which should surprise no one who has studied her career.”

The press conference continued with a discussion of Obama’s age. “If elected Obama would be older than Presidents Ulysses Grant, Theodore Roosevelt, John Kennedy, and Bill Clinton, when they took office,” Wilson said. “And if you consider the effect of Alzheimers disease on a person’s mental age, Obama is actually older than Reagan was at the end of his second term.

The Obama campaign plans a series of event to spread the news about their candidate. “Can we claim that Obama is old enough, white enough and male enough to be president?” Asked Levitt.

“Yes, we can,” he replied, indicating that the question was rhetorical.

Republicans rally around unity candidate

In the wake of Ronald Reagan’s decision not to return from the dead (see TWR article here), warring Republican factions have at last found a candidate who brings them the unity they desperately need. Republicans once again have hope.

“Bible-thumping religious Republicans who like Huckabee, tight-fisted small-government Republicans who like McCain, position-shifting corporate Republicans who like Romney, and spendthrift red-ink Republicans who once liked George W. Bush all agree that they can unite only if one candidate—a true Republican unity candidate—is nominated,” said Dean Foster, spokesman for the Committee to Save the GOP From Itself (CSGOPFI). “ We Republicans need Hillary Clinton. For the Democrats, that is.”

“We’ve known this for a long time,” said Seth Burke, who founded the Republicans for Clinton for the Democrats (RFCFD) nearly two years ago. “Given our dismal record, the scandals that have emerged since the Democrats gained a majority in Congress, and the scandals that are certain to be revealed as the election grows closer, the Republican party’s only hope is to get the Democrats to nominate someone who people can hate even more than they will hate us in six months. There’s no one else. It’s Hillary.”

“Hillary Clinton appeals to a very broad demographic, with different people hating her for different reasons,” said David Turtletaub, a political pollster. “Some hate her for who she is. Others hate her because of who her husband is. Some hate her because she is bitchy. And still others hate her because she is manipulative. She’s got something for everyone. Whether you are young, old, black, white, male or female, if you are a Republican, there’s something to hate about Hillary.

The problem facing Republicans now is to ensure Hillary’s nomination. Republicans are pouring millions of dollars into Hillary Clinton’s campaign and working to get Clinton voters to the primary polls.

“Republicans need to stop worrying about who wins the Republican nomination and start worrying about who the Democrats nominate,” said Turtletaub. “If they run against Hillary, even Fred Thompson will win. But if Obama is the candidate, they’ve got problems.”

Hillary: “I’m rubber, you’re glue”

Facing an almost certain loss in a recent debate with candidate Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton finally found her voice. Turning to her opponent, she said: “I’m rubber, you’re glue. Everything bounces off me, and sticks to you.”

The stunned Obama was silent for a moment, and Clinton made a bold and risky move to press her advantage. She took him by the hand and said: “Touching black, no backs.”

“Clinton’s comment was clearly a racist insult,” said Odell Brown, spokesperson for the Obama campaign following the debate which analysts say that Clinton ultimately won. “Clinton is a racist, should be ashamed of herself.”

“She’s rubber, you’re glue,” said Carpenter Dillon, for the Clinton campaign. “What you just said just bounced off her and it’s sticking to you. So you’re a racist and should be ashamed of yourself. Nya nya. No backs.”

To guard against the rubber-glue strategy being used against her in the election, Clinton has registered herself as rubber and each of her potential Republican opponents as glue with the previously unknown Federal Office of Rubber and Glue, created by her husband during his first term.

The office, with a budget of $100M a year is responsible for enforcing “I’m rubber, you’re glue,” declarations throughout the United States.

It has no jurisdictional power over the rest of the world, and has refused to honor a declaration by Osama bin Laden that he is rubber and that George W. Bush is glue because bin Laden was in a cave in Afghanistan when he said it.

Republicans want Reagan to return from dead

Faced with splintered party and no unifying candidate, some Republican leaders are asking Ronald Reagan to return from the dead and head their ticket in November.

“Even dead, he’s the best candidate we’ve got,” said Daniel Rivers, chairman of the Committee to Resurrect Ronald Reagan Committee (CRRRC). “He’s the one person that people seem to be willing to rally around.”

Reagan, who was the 40th president of the United States, was not only popular with Republicans, but captured the admiration of many Democrats. He died in 2004. If re-elected, he would be 97 years old, more than 20 years older than the oldest Republican contender, John McCain.

“No one's denying that Reagan would be older than McCain,” said Rivers, “but McCain might die in office, leaving who-knows-what vice-president behind him. “Reagan’s already dead, so dying in office won't be a problem.”

“Reagan brings experience, charisma, and conservative credentials,” said Amanda Winter, another CRRRC member. “While he’s probably rotted quite a bit, I think the American people will not hold that against him.”

The former president says he is honored to be asked, according to Daniel Imelt, the psychic who communicates with him by Ouija board. “Reagan says he has not made up his mind on whether to run,” says Imelt. “Actually he said 'I have not made up my mind, assuming that I still have a mind,'” Imelt said. “Death has not slowed his wit.”

But not everyone agrees that Reagan is the best choice. “We’ve already tried a dead candidate,” said Andy Maroni, who works on the John McCain campaign, “and Fred Thompson couldn’t do it. It’s hard to believe that Reagan will be much better.

Pictures no longer worth 1000 words

Driven by rapidly increasing numbers of digital photographs, the benchmark Canon-Webster Picture-Words Index fell below 1000 words per picture for the first time today. Analysts expect it to go lower.

“It’s going a lot lower,” confirmed trader Byron Franklin. “We expect one picture to be worth as few as 100 words by the end of this year and drop further the next year.”

Data from the Sony-Webster futures market backs up Franklin’s view. Contracts for June pictures are trading for two hundred words per picture (WPP), and contracts for January 2009 picture are at an all-time low of 10 WPP. The January drop is based on projected digital camera gift-giving, snap-shooting and image-uploading next Christmas. Picture options and other picture derivatives show similar downward trends.

“This is the worst news we've had since a stitch in time saved only 8.7,” said Franklin.

A stitch in time currently trades at a historically low 2.3.

Edwards: “I promise to repeal unfair laws”

Democratic candidate John Edwards has promised that when he is elected he will work to repeal all unfair laws within thirty days. “This country is in trouble for one reason, and one reason only,” said Edwards in his new stump speech. “We have unfair laws that hurt us all.”

Among the laws cited by Edwards are the Law of Supply and Demand, The Law of Diminishing Returns, the Law of Conservation of Matter, the Law of Conservation of Energy, and the Law of Unintended Consequences.

“The Law of Unintended Consequences is the worst and it hurts us each and every day,” said Edwards. “I speak from personal experience. When I voted to invade Iraq, for example, I wanted to look like a patriotic American and support a quick victory. But due to the Law of Unintended Consequences I looked like a jerk and Iraq is a mess. That’s certainly not what I had in mind.”

According to Edwards, the Law of Unintended Consequences must be repealed first, so that the repealing the other laws will improve rather than destroy the economy, an possibly the universe.

Edwards, who has upbraided corporations for their “slavish obedience” to the law of Supply and Demand, the Law of Conservation of Matter the Law of Conservation of Energy and other laws believes that repealing the laws will fix the problem. “When we go to the greedy oil corporations and tell them to bring gasoline prices down to a more affordable 30 cents a gallon, they hide behind these laws and tell us we can’t do it. If we repeal these laws and replace them with better ones there will be no place to hide.”

Edwards campaign is not limiting itself to the repeal of the laws of physics and economics. “The laws of logic have to go too,” said a spokesperson. “They limit our policy options. Once we repeal the Aristotelian Law of Identity, then something can be other than itself. When we repeal the Law of Non-Contradiction, then something can be its opposite. And when we repeal the Law of The Excluded Middle then we can make statements that are neither true nor false, but something entirely different.”

“If we can just repeal these unfair laws we can eliminate poverty without incurring costs, balance the budget while increasing spending, end global warming without changing our lifestyle, both agree and disagree with any position at the same time without being hypocritical, leave Iraq immediately and completely while maintaining a large force that can keep the country stable and democratic, and ensure that any future policy proposal, no matter how wacky, makes total sense.”

Coughlin: Giants have plan to almost beat Patriots

Speaking to an attentive press corps, Giants’ coach Tom Coughlin announced that his team had developed a new game plan that was “certain to almost beat the Patriots.”

“We’ve spent the whole week studying all of the ways that some teams—including our own—have manage to almost beat them, and how the Patriots have adapted,” said Coughlin.

“There are a lot of elements to almost beating them, not just one. And they keep changing what you have to do to almost beat them. They’re a very, very tough team to almost beat,” he concluded..

“So we’ve looked at all the teams that almost beat the Patriots, the Colts in week 9, the Eagles in week 12, the Ravens in week 13, us in Week 16, and the Chargers in the playoffs, found that they all almost beat them in different ways. Then we came up with a new way to almost beat them that combines some of these things and some new things as well. With this game plan we're confident we can once again almost beat them.”

“Of course a lot of the key to almost beating them is attitude. I've talked to every person on our team and our coaching staff and we're all totally committed to almost beating the Patriots in the Super Bowl and almost spoiling their perfect season.”

“Now we just have to go out and execute.”

Bush loses Mideast peace plan before trip to region

What some have described as an “inspired plan to bring peace to the Middle East” was lost by President George W. Bush shortly before his trip to the region last week, The Wolf Report has learned. The plan, which Bush wrote on a single sheet of paper shortly after God revealed it to him in a dream, was either lost on the way to Andrews Air Force Base or on Bush's Air Force One flight to Israel.

“From what I have heard, it was a brilliant plan,” said a White House Source, who did not actually see the plan, but heard about it from someone who had not seen it either. “It would have brought peace to the region in just a few months, or at least that’s what I’ve been told. This loss has set this effort back substantially, from what I understand, by at least by several years, and possibly as much as a century.”

A thorough search of Air Force One by the Secret Service was unable to discover the Mideast peace plan, though it did turn up several other presidential plans including Richard Nixon’s secret plan for ending the war in Viet-Nam and George Bush senior’s plan to beat Bill Clinton in the 1992 election. The FBI is searching the route from the White House to Andrews where Bush boarded Air Force One, in hopes of finding the plan.

Anyone finding a piece of paper titled "Mideast Peace Plan" should call the White House and speak to the president’s Special Assistant for Inspired Plans.

Anyone who finds the plan should call the White House switchboard and inform the president’s Special Assistant for Inspired Plans.

New staph not just for gays

In a press conference held this morning, MRSA (methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus) has denied that it is a gay disease.

"We do not target any social, ethnic, religious, political, or economic group," said an MSRA spokescolony from its Petri dish. "We attack everyone the same way: with the full intention of bypassing the body's defenses, invading its systems, and spreading throughout the organism. We do not target gays. In fact many of our cells have said that they would themselves be gay if they weren't busy reproducing assexually."

To underscore its support for the gay community the staphlococcus strain will be attending a gay rights rally in San Francisco next week and a Republican Party fund raiser to be hosted by Senator Larry Craig.

New wall found in China

Authorities at the Chinese Ministry of Culture have announced the discovery of a one mile long protective wall more than a thousand years older than the 4,000 mile long Great Wall of China. The new wall is larger than any of the other, recently discovered Walls of China, including the two hundred foot long Little Wall of China, the 50 foot long Tiny Wall of China and the two foot long Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Wall of China.

The archaeologists who discovered the new wall had proposed naming it the Mediocre Wall of China but the Ministry of Culture has reserved that name for a rumored wall one tenth as high and half as long as the Great Wall. The newly discovered wall will be called either the Not So Great Wall of China or the So-so Wall of China. The wall will be open to the public in time for for the Olympics.

Clinton’s voice found again after being misplaced in Michigan

The voice that presidential candidate Hillary Clinton found in a snow bank in New Hampshire and which helped in her surprising victory in the primary there was the target of an intensive search by Clinton campaign staffers after the former first lady discovered that she had left it somewhere in Michigan.

“I’m just not used to remembering to take my new voice with me after I talk to people,” said Clinton, who gave several speeches and more than a dozen interviews before realizing that she was speaking with the old, bitchy voice that she’d used for many years.

“As soon as I realized I’d misplaced my new voice,” said Clinton, “I had my campaign staff stop everything, work over time, and search for it. They located it fourteen hours later in a coffee shop in Lansing where a waitress working the lunch shift had been using it to boost her tips.

“I think Hillary Clinton’s voice is even better for this experience,” said a Clinton campaign staffer. “If you listen to it now, you can hear an even greater sense of vulnerability. This is what a female presidential candidate’s voice needs to have in order to make her not seem like a cold, heartless, ambitious, calculating bitch.”

Bellichick strategy: score more points

The Wolf Report has discovered that the New England Patriots’ plan this season has been to win each game by scoring more points than the opposition. Under close questioning by The Wolf Report, Patriots coach Bill Bilichick has now confirmed the strategy. “I think most teams have figured out that what we’re doing by now,” said Belichick, “so I don’t think I have to keep it a secret.”

Belichick developed the strategy last season after analyzing the Patriots’ playoff loss to the Indianapolis Colts. “I kept asking myself: ‘How did we lose this one?’” Said Belichick. “We’d racked up so many yards, scored so many points, everything. So I went back and studied the game films and I got an idea. Then I looked at every game that we’d played since I got to the Patriots. In retrospect the pattern was clear: whenever we scored more points than the opposing team, we won the game. Whenever we didn’t, we lost. If you check the playoff films you’ll see that as well as we did, Indy scored more points, and that’s how they beat us.”

At the start of the season Belichick gathered his coaching staff and to try to get them to buy into his strategy. “At first, we were like, no way!” Said Dean Pees, Patriots Defensive Coordinator. “But Bill pulled out all the data he’d collected and showed us that winning had nothing to do with the number of times we blitzed, or sacks, or yards allowed, or even points allowed. It was simply a matter of who scores the most points.”

“That’s been pretty much the plan for season,” confirmed Tom Brady, the Patriots’ quarterback. “Coach told us: score more points than they do, and we’ll win. A couple of times when we were behind Coach said: “Score another touchdown and we’ll win.’ And I did, because I trust Coach. So far, he’s been right every time.”

Giuliani campaign calls for water boarding in place of debates

Citing the ease with which candidates can change their positions during debates in response to polls and surveys, a spokesperson for the Giuliani presidential campaign has proposed replacing the current debate format with televised water boarding.

“As most of us know,” said James McKee, Director of Desperate Measures for the Giuliani campaign, “water boarding helps obtain information that is difficult to get by other means. And what information could be move valuable to the American people than the true positions of candidates on such topics as 9/11, terrorism, the 9/11 terrorist attacks, attacks by terrorists such as the ones on 9/11, and other things such as the economy or whatever?”

“In our proposed format,” McKee continued, “candidates would be given two minutes to state their position on a topic such as Islamo-fascistic terrorist attacks on large buildings in New York City, for example. Then they would be water boarded for twenty minutes to find out what they really believed.”

“We believe this will not only help the American people discover what the candidates really believe, it will raise the debates’ low ratings and get more Americans involved.”

Wolf Report Settles Strike

Just a few hours after a landmark deal between the Writers' Guild of American and the David Letterman Show was announced (see story) The Wolf Report Writers' Guild of America, Europe and The Rest of The World and The Wolf Report announced they had reached their own agreement.

Under the terms of the agreement, Guild members may earn up to double their fee from The Wolf Report but only when they write things that are up to twice as funny.

"We believe that this is a fair agreement," wrote Dane Horowitz, spokesman for the Guild in an initial attempt to double his fee.

North Pole outsourcing strategy in trouble

A scheme to cut costs and raise profits by outsourcing the North Pole’s toy manufacturing and purchasing has run into serious problems. Millions of kids may pay the price when they get gift cards and off-brand toys on Christmas morning.

“Kids love gift cards,” said an unidentified spokesperson for Santa Claus’s company, North Pole Logistic Management LLC (NPLMLLC), which that has managed manufacturing, purchasing and delivery contracts for Christmas for the past hundred years. “And a Woo game console from China is every bit as good as a Wii from Japan.”

“Gift cards suck,” says one twelve-year old asked about the substitution. “And I better get Wii or there’s going to be trouble at school—if you know what I mean.”

According to Sven Lundgren, an elf who has worked in the North Pole corporate offices of NPLMLLC for more than 20 years, problems first emerged at NPLMLLC in November when elves in the incoming inspection department found toys that were painted with toxic paint, had sharp corners, and were made with small detachable parts that could choke children.

Investigation revealed that the problems were widespread and that third world wholesalers were substituting off-brand toys for the name-brand toys specified by the corporate elves.

“We stand ready to save Christmas,” said Ole Petersen the elf who heads the International Brotherhood of Elven Toymakers, AFL-CIO. “Santa needs to pay us a living wage, time and a half for overtime, reinstate our health benefits, and make a contribution to the pension fund to account for the months we've been out of work.”

Santa was not available for comment, but through a spokesperson said “Ho! Ho! Ho!”

Iraqis not being killed in record numbers

More than 26,883,383 Iraqis were not killed yesterday in terrorist attacks according to a report released by the office of the Surgin' General. This is the largest number of Iraqis not killed by terrorists in a single day.

“This is part a trend that's been continuing since the surge began,” said Colonel John Davenport, a spokesman for the office of the Surgin’ General. “Not only are Iraqi non-deaths from terrorism rising dramatically, but we’re also seeing a similar increase in the number of Iraqis who are not maimed, not wounded and not kidnapped.”

While Davenport attributes the increase entirely to the effectiveness of the surge others are not so sure. “With Iraq’s population growing at 2.6% annually, or at nearly 2,000 people per day, it would be astonishing not see more Iraqis not being killed.” said John Webster, a vocal critic of the war. “There are just more of them.”

The Surgin’ General’s office also reported that 312,212 Americans in Iraq—including military personnel and more than 150,000 Halliburton employees—were also not killed yesterday.

IRA bombers convert to Islam

Members of the Irish Republican Army (IRA) who call themselves the “Bloody Sunday Brigade” announced today that they have converted from Catholicism to Islam. They plan to resume killing civilians after they return from this year’s Hajj.

“Our goal remains the same,” an unidentified spokesperson for the group told The Wolf Report, “and that is to kill as many innocent people as it takes for Ireland to be free. But our ways have to change with the times. Islam is a more popular religion for terrorists than is Catholicism, so we’ve converted.”

“We welcome the former infidel dogs of the Bloody Sunday Brigade to the Umma, the community of believers,” said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for al-Qaeda No Liability Corporation (NLC). “We hope they will be successful.”

Belichick accused of point shaving

Controversy erupted following the New England Patriots’ 56-10 win over the Buffalo Bills, when Patriots Coach Bill Belichick was accused of point shaving.

Point shaving is the illegal practice of reducing a game’s point difference below the “spread,” a gambling handicap that gives those who bet on a weaker team a chance to win. The spread for the New England-Buffalo game was 105 points.

“The score should have been something like 150-3,” said Mildred Terpin, a Patriots fan who mortgaged her house, cashed in her life insurance policy, and sold her entire stock portfolio to bet that the Patriots would beat the spread. “Why did he let them off so easy?”

“The Pats’ low score was a complete surprise to everyone” said Charles “Big Charlie” D’Amato, spokesman for the National Federation of Bookies and Handicappers (NFBH), “and it once again brings Coach Belichick’s integrity into question.”

Belichick was accused of videotaping opposing teams’ defensive signals earlier this year and fined $500,000 or approximately 3% of what a coach can make from point shaving.

“We’re just taking things one game at a time,” Belichick said at the Patriots-Bills post-game press conference and at every press conference for his entire career. “There’s another game next week, and that’s all I’m thinking about.”

The Patriots play the Eagles next week. The spread is currently 310 points.

Photo: Silas216 on Flickr

Iraqis believe that war is going well

According to White House sources Iraqis now believe that the war is going well and that the country is on the right road to being stabilized and turning into a representative democracy that will be a model for the Middle East. The surge strategy that deployed an additional 20,000 troops in Iraq is believed to have caused these changes.

“We have not believed this in the past,” said Hamid Saddar, one of the two Iraqis surveyed, “but I now believe that the war is going very well; and I believe that the country is on the right road to being stabilized; and I believe that it is turning into a representative democracy that will be a model for the Middle East.; and I very definitely believe that the surge strategy that deployed an additional 20,000 troops in Iraq has caused these changes.”

“I too believe the war is going very, very well,” said his brother, Muhammad. “I also believe that the country is very much on the right road to being stabilized; and I too believe that it is very much turning into a representative democracy that will be a model for the Middle East; and I most very, very definitely believe that the surge strategy that deployed an additional 20,000 troops in Iraq has caused these changes. Most certainly that is what I believe.”

“I also believe that we were not paid enough to say this,” said Hamid. “There are some very bad people out there who will kill people who say things like this if they find out. I hope they do not read any report of this because if they do they will probably kill us. Even though I did not give my true name I think we are taking a big risk. It was a lot of money, some might say, but not really enough.”

“I too believe we were not paid enough,” said Muhammad. “It is very dangerous and we were paid not nearly enough. Most certainly we were not paid enough. There are more and more very, very bad people out there every day who could kill us. But perhaps we will not be killed, and there will be other things that need to be said and perhaps next time we will be paid enough when we say those things.”

“But probably not,” said Hamid.

“Yes, I agree, probably not,” agreed Muhammad. “Most certainly probably not.”

Al-Qaeda books Tuesday

How does Osama bin Laden manage to look so slim, fit, and healthy? Al-Qaeda NLC (No Liability Corporation) says his secrets will be revealed next Tuesday when they publish two new books: “The Tora Bora Diet: the al-Qaeda Way to Lose Weight Fast,” and “Osama’s Exercise Plan: Losing Weight Fast the al-Qaeda Way.”

“These programs are practically miraculous” said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for al-Qaeda NLC. “One woman lost nearly 125 pounds on the program, and many others have had similar weight losses.”

“We’re looking into these books carefully,” said Janet Dowd of the Consumer Protection Agency. “While it’s true that working out while wearing an explosive vest—as Osama’s Exercise Plan recommends—can help lose weight faster than exercise alone, we think that the added risk may not worth the benefit. The woman that al-Qaeda cites lost her weight in a very short time when her vest suddenly exploded leaving only her head. Such a quick loss of weight may be unhealthy.”

“In addition,” Dowd continued, “the meals in the Tora Bora diet include poisonous chemicals and substances that—when mixed in the presence of stomach acid—can explode violently. These techniques certainly will cause fast weight loss, so al-Qaeda is not making any false claims. If they were, we’d be on them in a minute. Still, we think that—considering the source of these books—that we need to look into this more carefully. There may be some trick involved.”

“There are no tricks” responded Gaith. “These books are based on proven techniques. In field trials thousands of people have lost weight rapidly. This is our way to spread the benefit.”

CBOT opens stupidity futures market

The Chicago Board of Trade (CBOT), which manages the nation’s commodity markets, has launched the nation’s first stupidity futures market. The market will regulate and standardize the purchase and sale of future stupidity.

“The demand for stupidity during the current election is already at an all time high,” said Bjork Bjornson, an open market stupidity trader. “More and more people are looking for 30-second answers to increasing complex questions, and that requires stupidity on all sides.”

“We’ve also seen that the candidate who says the stupidest things often gets elected,” he continued, “so we can expect the demand for stupidity to go up as the election gets closer.”

“For example, we see the Democratic candidates using large amounts of stupidity against their primary opponents rather than Republicans; that takes a special kind of stupidity. And we see from futures contracts that the Republicans are planning for a huge surge in stupidity on their own as critical primaries approach.”

“What should investors do?” We asked him.

“Invest in stupidity,” he replied. “It’s going to be in demand like never before.”

Rockies protest Sox win: “Belichick cheated”

The Colorado Rockies baseball team has issued a formal protest to Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig alleging that the Rockies’ base runner and catcher-pitcher signals were stolen—probably by Coach Bill Belichick of the New England Patriots—and provided to the Red Sox coaching staff. The Rockies want the series played over again while Belichick is kept under surveillance.

“While we have no actual evidence of cheating,” said Arnold Thomas, spokesperson for the Rockies, “actual evidence is no longer necessary in America. Rumors are sufficient. If the fact that Belichick might have cheated is good enough for a sports icon like Don Shula, it should be good enough for Bud Selig.”

Some News on “No News November Ninth”

The call for “No News November Ninth” that The Wolf Report reported (here) was heeded by billions of people—including the entire staff of The Wolf Report—who did nothing noteworthy that day. who did nothing noteworthy that day.

Unfortunately the day’s perfection was spoiled by several hundred thousand people who killed, maimed, stole, cheated, lied, won or lost sporting events, or otherwise spoiled what would have been a day of utter calm.

“I was thinking of like discovering a cure for like cancer or like building like some kind of space ship,” said Ted Brewster, an unemployed day laborer, one of the billions who participated in the day's events. “Then I like heard about the no news thing, and said like ‘What the fuck! I'll do it another day’ and like turned over and caught another eight hours of sack time.”

But not everyone was that committed to calming the earth on November Ninth. Ray Jefferson (not his real name) shot his brother-in-law early that morning. “I don't care what fucking day it was,” he said. “The sonuvabitch deserved it.”

According to World Health Organization (WHO) spokesperson Akidje Olotunje, “We will try again next year.”

Kidnapping interrupts publication schedule

The Wolf Report’s stream of postings was interrupted after al-Qaeda terrorists broke into The ReportPlex, the base of The Wolf Report publishing empire, kidnapped the Blog’s entire editorial and publication staff, and held them hostage for several days.

“It was devastating,” said Leonard Cohen (no relation to the song writer of the same name), The Wolf Report’s fashion editor. “Terrorists, wearing bin Laden Design’s bright new Fall 2007 suicide bomb vests, broke into our newsroom waving automatic weapons with burnished metal stocks and multicolored designer slings made of ballistic nylon, and forced us into a waiting fleet of helicopters decorated in a somewhat retro style reminiscent of Sikorsky’s classic ‘Airlift’ look.”

“It was horrifying,” said Nancy Drew (no relation to the fictional character of the same name), travel editor for The Wolf Report. “They took us to a nearby airport where impeccably courteous terrorist attendants seated us in wide, comfortable seats in the luxurious al-Qaeda Air (AQA) modified 747 wide-body that the terror network rightly considers the jewel of their fleet. After a delectable seven course dinner, in-flight entertainment that included hilarious spoof of the Iraq invasion with English subtitles, and a refreshing nap in seats that folded flat into comfortable beds, we landed at the just-completed airfield that adjoins the new Tora Bora Cave Complex and Theme Park where we were to endure our incarceration.”

“It was terrifying,” said Amadji Rhamadaja (no relation to anyone with that or any other name), who helps keep The Wolf Report’s Workplace Diversity Index above 6. “The terrorists fed and pampered us for two days while giving us many good ideas for satirical articles about the Bush administration before flying us back to The ReportPlex where they ordered us back to work.”

“Unfortunately we were not able to meet Osama himself because he and his closest aides were preparing for a traditional Islamic celebration by attaching laser beams to the heads of sharks.”

The Wolf Report will return to its regular publication schedule of “sparodically” with this issue unless there is either an alien abduction or some other reason.

Zbrakzzz cancel invasion plan

The Zbrakzzz, a race from the galaxy known to earthling astronomers as Arp 87 (see image, right) and to Zbrakzzzian astronomers as Gfruniazzzybbbyqqyuf 91, have canceled their plans to invade earth—or Ggorrvvv, as they call it, and enslave all of its people.

“Due to what you Ggorrvvvians call ‘global warming’ said the Ultimate Grand Vgozzz, speaking on behalf of the Zbrakzzz Unified World Government, “we believe that Ggorrvvv will be too hot for us Zbrakzzz in about six months. Also, carbon dioxide makes us fart. So we’re not coming. Please cancel the reservations.”

Political analysts on Zbrakzzz have been speculating that the Zbrakzzz Unified World Government would invade Ggorrvvv ever since the Penultimate Lesser Vgozzz made a speech claiming that we were developing Weapons of Mass Destruction and were a danger to Gfruniazzzybbbyqqyuf 91 and other nearby galaxies.

“It’s a common ploy,” said Bggurggguggurrr 546, a reporter for the Zbrakzzz Sun-Times, a Rupert Murdoch publication. “But hardly anyone in the universe other than the sea worms of Kgkkluxxian 15 can be fooled by that one any more.” (Hubble image of Gfruniazzzybbbyqqyuf 91 courtesy of NASA and STScI)

Woman jailed for late-term abortion

A Texas woman has been jailed for carrying out a late-term abortion. The woman, Gail Bennett, has been released on bail. The fetus, Dean Bennet, was 27 years old.

“A 27-year-old is a human being,” said Amanda McPherson of the Coalition for the Preservation of Life and Election of One Issue Religious Conservatives. “A 27-year-old can’t be called a fetus.”

“I’m his mother, said Bennett, “and I can call him whatever I want to call him. And as for calling that fetus a human being—let me tell you that no human being would ever have treated his mother the way that he treated me, forgetting my birthday in 1997, sending me cheap gifts on Mothers day two different years, and then marrying Lisa, that bitch-slut, over my objections.”

“This is an attempt to control a woman’s reproductive rights,” said Marjorie Anderson, a spokesperson for the Coalition for Reproductive Rights and Election of One Issue Secular Liberals. “A woman has the right to her own body, and that fetus has been giving Gail such heart palpitations since he married that bitch-slut that the poor woman could not sleep at night. She needed to terminate the pregnancy to protect her health.”

“The question of when life begins has always been a difficult one,” said Professor Eli Forrester, prestigious ethicist and founder of the Association of Prestigious Ethicists. “Christian belief holds that life begins at conception; Jewish tradition holds that a fetus can not be aborted until it completes medical school; and the Umgabi, an African tribe studied mainly by prestigious ethicists, such as myself, believe that the Boston Red Sox will win the World Series twice before their chief god, oddly named Big Pappi, will carry out an abortion by global Dilation and Curettage.”

Pakistani suicide bomber reassembled by NTSB

The National Traffic Safety Board (NTSB), which reassembles airplanes after catastrophic crashes has reconstructed the suicide bomber who attacked Pakistani leader Benazir Bhutto.

“We were fortunate to find the bomber’s head intact,” said Chip Ramone, head of the NTSB team that reconstructed the terrorist. “This gave us a good place to start. The rest was the result of the kind of careful work that we’re accustomed to, complicated by the fact that it was very difficult to tell which blobs of flesh or chunks of bone came from the bomber and which from his victims.”

According to the NTSB the bomber was a Pakistani hermaphrodite, seventeen feet tall, weighing 820 lbs., and easily distinguished by his four arms and three legs.

Pakistani officials say that it will not be difficult to find a man matching this unusual description and already claim to have several leads.

Al-Qaeda announces new social networking sites

Al-Qaeda No Liability Corporation (NLC) has announced three new Internet services for terrorists: an Internet terrorist social network called MyCave, a terrorist blog search called terrorati, and a social bookmarking service called mal.icio.us. All services will carry the al-Qaeda terror brand.

“These services unite the al-Qaeda terrorist network with other terrorist networks and with individual terrorists, creating both a worldwide social terrorist community and more efficient use of scarce terrorist resources,” said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for al-Qaeda, NLC. “Without mal.icio.us, for example, a terrorist looking for a good way to build a good dirty bomb might spend weeks Googling phrases like ‘dirty bomb’ that lead to high PageRank CIA sites with misleading information. With terrorati, the tag ‘dirtybomb’ leads the terrorists right to the most useful pages, as ranked by peers.”

The terrorati Blog search engine will help terrorists find the most popular terror Blogs so they can ‘learn from the experts.’ MyCave will let terrorists create their own home pages, share music and pictures with other terrorists, and find and identify to ‘friends’ with whom they can collaborate on social outrages. All three services will be supported by advertising, mainly by US based weapons and explosive companies.

"These announcements along with other al-Qaeda NLC announcements (TWR stories here, and here) are a sign that something big is up with al-Qaeda NLC, said Hamid Al Qadari, analyst for international hedge fund Taliban Caves Partners (TCP). “We think that it may be the expected IPO (see TWR story).

Al-Qaeda announces OpenIED project

Al-Qaeda No Liability Corporation (NLC) has announced version 1.0 of OpenIED, the Open Source Improvised Explosive Device project.

“OpenIED will help terrorists of all kinds build low cost and high quality IEDs,” said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for al-Qaeda, NLC. “OpenIED devices will be free as in speech, and would be free as in beer if we Muslims drank beer, which we don’t. So maybe free as in humus, if that makes any sense, which it doesn’t.”

OpenIED will be licensed to terrorists under the Guerilla Public License or GPL, which guarantees that all contributions to the OpenIED project by one faction can be used to kill members of any other faction, including the contributors.

US proposes waterboarding for 2008 Olympics

The United States Olympic Committee has proposed individual and team waterboarding for the 2008 Olympics, and has announced that Mr. X, an undercover CIA operative, will coach the US team.

“Competitive waterboarding has a great history and a great future,” said Mr. X in an encrypted email to The Wolf Report. “Unfortunately its history is classified and its future soon will be.”

According to the International Torture and Interrogation Association (ITIA), waterboarding began during the Spanish Inquisition (1478-1834) and like any sophisticated interrogation technique it has been modified and refined over the years. “It’s no more fair to compare Spanish-Inquisition-era waterboarding with modern waterboarding,” said James Thatcher, President of the ITIA. “than it would be to compare the Spanish-Inquisition-era basketball with today’s more sophisticated game.”

What started as an interrogation technique became a competitive sport when CIA interrogators formalized ad-hoc lunchtime waterboarding sessions and adopted standardized waterboarding rules. In 1992 the first waterboarding tournament was held at the CIA’s Langley, Virginia headquarters. The name of the winner is TOP SECRET. Since then, tournaments have been held every year. Then names of winners in subsequent years are merely SECRET.

“As more and more people in Iraq and Afghanistan are exposed to waterboarding” said Mr. X, “interest in the sport is growing. We expect vigorous competition in the Olympics, but due to our years of experience and superior training techniques, we will win.”

God denied further funding for “human” experiment

The Celestial Academy of Sciences (CAS) has declined to provide God with funding to continue the “human” experiment on the planet “earth.” Without funding, the fate of the project is in doubt.

“The experiment was designed to show what a creature that evolved from slime mold was capable of,” said a burning bush, speaking on behalf of God. “We’ve shown that these creatures can not only develop poetry, literature, and art, but also Tetris, the Internet, YouTube, and Gogol Bordello. With additional funding God believes that these creatures might be able to create a sustainable culture.”

“While the experiment has produced interesting results,” said a being whose nominator can not be represented in a space of fewer then 11 dimensions, “the Celestial Administration feels that God has crossed the boundaries of good science in several areas: first, when She allowed subjects on Earth to worship Her; second, when She encouraged groups who worshiped her in different ways to slaughter one another; and third when she allowed the dodo to go extinct. Many of us liked the dodo. As a result, we have decided not to provide further funding for the experiment.”

Asked for her reaction, God said only that She was “considering her alternatives.”