Gore: “Mass suicide will stop global warming”

Academy Award winning, Nobel Prize winning, presidential election losing hanging chad victim Al Gore will follow his Live Earth rock concert with an even larger Dying to Help rock concert and suicide pact. "Many people say that they are dying to do something," said Gore. "Now they can."

Nearly 2 billion people watched Live Earth and millions took the concert's Seven Point Pledge to reduce carbon emissions. But studies have shown that the savings from following the Pledge are minuscule. An individual who watched Live Earth for two hours, took the Pledge, and followed it meticulously over the course of a year would have offset only 80% of the carbon emissions that would have been been produced to power an energy-efficient television tuned to the broadcast.

"It's a matter of carbon economics," said Michael Finn, a spokesman for Dying To Help. "The few truly committed individuals who killed themselves right after watching Live Earth offset 100% of the carbon load they had generated while watching within ten minutes; and thereafter each one saved anywhere from 2 to 2000 tons of CO2 per year, depending on whether they lived in a tent and walked and biked like me, or owned a 10,000 square foot mansion, flew 400,000 miles a year by private jet and owned a Mercedes Maybach, two Range Rovers, an Audi A8 and a Mini Cooper S, like Madonna.

Gore and Finn are hoping that a similar number will watch this concert and that 1 million, or one half of one tenth one percent of that total will carry out the Dying to Pledge Pledge and kill themselves either during suicide breaks or after the big finale.

“If people are really committed to saving the planet,” said Gore, “they’ve got to do what it takes."

"This is what it takes.”

100,000th Terror Attack Foiled

The Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI) has announced that it had foiled the 100,000th terrorist attack against the United States since 9/11.

According to the DHI report, released exclusively to The Wolf Report, the attack was predicted by DHI computer simulations which identified the threat, the perpetrators and the ideal moment to disrupt the plan. The attack would have have killed hundreds of thousands, had it been carried out, would have been executed by a group called Islamic Jihad USA, had the group been formed, and would have masterminded by a radicalized Chinese-American who would have changed his name to Hamid Al-Jabar, had he been born.

The President, using powers granted him under the still secret "Patriot Act Ain't Nothing Compared to This" Act (PAANCTA), ordered DHI, DEA., IRS, and FBI operatives to break into the home of the would-be parents of this would-be terrorist, at the moment that DHI computers had picked for disrupting the plot: while they were engaged in the sex act that would have conceived the child, just before the would-be father climaxed.

Acting with skill and efficiency--the result of many similar plot-disruption missions--the agents were able to control what would almost certainly have been an explosive orgasm. They safely captured the ejaculate containing the sperm that would have become the man who would have formed the group that would have carried out the attack, and within hours the specimen had been sent to Guantanamo where it will be subjected to enhanced interrogation techniques. The ovum was believed innocent and was released on its own recognizance subject to further investigation.

"Based on tens of thousands of similar foiled terror attempts" said Arnold McCorkle, spokesman for the DHI, "we expect that interrogation will lead to more potential conspirators and more foiled attacks."

"The Department does not normally make an announcement each time we prevent an attack," said McCorkle, explaining the revelation. "That would leave us no time for actually carrying out the detailed and sophisticated analysis needed to predict, confirm, and forestall these events. But the 100,000th attack is a milestone that should deflect critics who believe we do nothing more than fail to manage duct tape supplies and create new threat warning systems.

Bush: "Water boarding not that bad"

Determined to answer administration critics, President George W. Bush has allowed himself to be subjected to the "enhanced interrogation technique" called water boarding. The technique, which according to Republican candidate John McCain was developed during the Spanish Inquisition, (see story) has been criticized as a form of torture.

"It's not all that bad," said Bush, after a two hour water boarding session with CIA experts in which Bush revealed: the names of the individuals that his father had bribed to get him into the National Guard during the Viet Nam war; how the missing records of his military service had been stolen and where they were hidden now; how had conspired with his brother Jeb to falsify electoral records in Florida; the location of a secret plan, created by Dick Cheney in 2000 to invade Iraq; and the name of his three current mistresses.

According to Don Sutton, head of the CIA's Directorate of Enhanced Interrogation (DIE) all of the information revealed by Bush has been confirmed and the relevant documents have been returned to their hiding places. "Without water boarding we might have had to use old-fashioned interrogation techniques involving the use of pliers and cattle prods on parts of the body that I won't mention in a family blog like this. Water boarding is a humanitarian alternative, and definitely not torture."

"I'm very happy that I got to experience water boarding," said Bush. "It's definitely not torture. It's a kind of therapy. I feel a lot better now that I've gotten all those things off my chest and I look forward to helping both Al-Qaeda operatives and innocent Iraqis feel as good as I feel today.

Bush Finds Virtual WMDs in Virtual Iraq

Frustrated with their inability to achieve even one of their goals in Iraq, the Bush administration has turned to Second Life, a popular on-line digital world accessible through the Internet. Anyone who signs up for Second Life is given a digital representation of themselves called an "avatar." Using their computer a subscriber can then cause their avatar to move, communicate, or act within Second Life's virtual world. A subscriber can change the appearance of his or her avatar, can purchase virtual land, and can create, purchase or be given virtual objects that the avatar can use, for example clothing, jewlery, Abrhams M1A1 Battle Tanks, or penises.

The Wolf Report has learned that two months ago all military personnel not on active duty in Iraq had been ordered to obtain memberships for Second Life, to make their avatars as large and ferocious as possible, and await further orders. A month ago avatars from the Virtual Quartermaster Corps arrived with standard issue military uniforms, penises, and tanks which were distributed to the waiting troops who were then ordered to occupy an area of land within Second Life called Virtual Iraq, or Viraq for short, because it is shorter.

Viraq is an elaborately detailed replica of real Iraq (or Riraq as it is now called) created by the United States complete with bombed out buildings, non-functioning utilities, long lines for gas and food, and unhappy avatars representing Iraqi citizens.

Shortly after taking up station in Viraq, avatars representing the 86th Virtual Airborne Corps discovered hundreds of caches of virtual weapons of mass virtual destruction. The digital weapons were immediately confiscated and samples will be displayed in a virtual press conference that will be announced as soon as there have been no administration scandals or embarrassments for a week, or December, whichever comes first.

"The first phase of Virtual Operation Virtually Enduring Virtual Freedom has been virtually a complete success," a spokesavatar confided to The Wolf Report. "We have found the WMDs. It is now just a matter of time before we capture virtual Saddam Hussein, virtually execute him in an appropriate manner, turn Viraq into a virtually stable, virtual democracy.

Bush Complains: "God not helping"

"God is not helping," said President George. W. Bush, in an exclusive interview with The Wolf Report. "I pray and pray and pray for God's intervention. And what do I get? Advice."

"I don't need advice," he continued angrily. "I'm the president. If I want advice I can convene a goddam special committee like I've done a hundred times. And if I don't like their advice I can ignore it, like I've done," he paused to count, "well about a hundred time, too."

"I'm not praying for advice," he concluded. "I don't want a deity who telling me that there are no WMDs in Iraq. Anyone can tell you that there are no WMDs when there are no WMDs. Even I could do that. Instead, I want a deity who will perform a miracle and put WMDs where there are none."

"I'm not making any threats," Bush continued, "But I believe in the free enterprise system and and this Allah guy seems to be doing better job than the guy I've been praying to."

"Certain parties should think about this: if I can replace Donald Rumsfeld, I can replace anyone."

Al-Qaeda NLC to start social networking site

The Wolf Report has learned that Al-Qaeda NLC, the organization licensing the Al-Qaeda terror brand, is working on an social networking site for Islamic women. The site, to be called I-cant-see-your-facebook.com will be launched in December, just before the rumored IPO.

"This diversifies Al-Qaeda's holding, which are overly concentrated in the suicide bomber and IED manufacturing sectors" said Hamid Al Qadari, analyst for international hedge fund Taliban Caves Partners (TCP) . "By adding a social networking site to their portfolio they can present themselves as a more attractive investment while at the same time recruiting female bombers."

"Upon advice of our investment bankers" said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for Al-Qaeda, LLC, "we can neither confirm nor deny this rumored web site or the rumored IPO, which, if it were to happen might now be at a price of $12.00 to 14.00. Speaking hypothetically, of course."

Rumor: Al-Qaeda NLC planning IPO in 2008

The Wolf Report has learned that Al-Qaeda, NLC (No Liability Corporation)--the company that licenses the Al-Qaeda terror brand worldwide--is planning an initial public offering sometime in 2008. The stock will be listed on the New York Stock exchange and the ticker symbol will be either JHAD or AQDA.

"Upon advice of our investment bankers" said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for Al-Qaeda, LLC, and definitely not the guy who tipped us to the story "we can neither confirm nor deny this rumor, nor will we confirm the rumor that the opening price will be between $10.00 and $12.00 per share."

"This makes a great deal of sense from a supply and demand perspective" said Hamid Al Qadari, analyst for international hedge fund Taliban Caves Partners (TCP) . "Portfolio managers have realized that in order to truly diversify that they must balance their investments in companies that might be targeted by terrorist organizations with shares in the terrorist organizations themselves.

"But if you look at the terror stocks you might invest in, they out there are regional and not all that good. I expect that Al-Qaeda, LLC will get a good price at this time. Probably between $10.00 and $12.00 per share."

God Complains: "Bush Doesn't Listen"

"George Bush prays for guidance, but he doesn't listen to my answers," said God, in an exclusive Wolf Report interview today. "Either that or he listens, but doesn't follow my advice."

"What a jerk." the diety concluded angrily.

God, known to various religions under his professional or stage names which include Allah, Jehovah, and--to a small sect in Mississippi to which he recently revealed himself--as Big Billy Bob, spoke to The Wolf Report from a the center of a burning bush in Topeka Kansas.

"It pisses me off," God repeated, blazing higher and brighter. "I mean, the guy gets down on his knees; he acknowledges his ignorance and his frailty as a human being, which is dead right as far as I can see; he acknowledges my omniscience, which by the way is exactly what I knew he was going to acknowledge next; he asks for the wisdom to know what to do, which God knows--that is, which I know--he desperately needs.

"So I tell him: 'George, don't fuck with Iraq; it's going to get be a mess. Don't listen to Cheney; he's a lying asshole.' And what is he do? He gets, up and does exactly what he wants.

"Just as I knew he would, by the way," God added omnisicently.

"Thank God--that is thank Me--for The Wolf Report. At least you listen."

"Just as I knew you would."

Republicans, Democrats vie for Al-Qaeda Endorsement

With control of Congress and the White House at stake, Republicans and Democrats are in a frantic bidding war for the coveted Al-Qaeda presidential endorsement. Whoever wins will be rewarded with video in which Osama bin Laden will speak in favor of the other party. Analysts believe that this could influence as many as 20 million voters.

To ensure they win this important political prize, Republicans, have already more than doubled their 2000 offer to Al-Qaeda. And each time Senataor Larry Craig visits a mens room they raise the offer still further.

"A deal with Al-Qaeda is a smart investment," said an anonymous highly-placed knowledgeable source in the Bush campaign from behind bars, "By paying to get their support for Kerry in 2000- we showed the American people which party knew how to get the job done."

"It won't be as easy for the Republicans this time," said Tim Merril, Chairman of the Democratic Party's Office of Officially Refuting Statements Made By Anonymous Highly Placed Knowledgeable Sources in the Republican party, "With our lead in fund raising," he continued, "we feel confident that we can beat any offer the they might come up with."

"Not necessarily so," said Hamid Al Qadari, an analyst for Taliban Caves Partners (TCP) a hedge fund that seems to have an uncanny ability to short the right stocks just before an Al-Qaeda attack. "Although the Democrats' direct offer may be higher, the Administration is considering a sort of short-term amnesty to allow Osama to come to the United States and speak directly on behalf of whoever the Democrats nominate. That would be hard for the Democrats to beat."

Duct tape to be used in new initiative

The president has just created a new branch of government to manage the purchase and storage of hundreds of millions of rolls of duct tape and their subsequent deployment in national emergencies, such as falling presidential approval ratings and widening credibility gaps. The organization, called the Federal Strategic Duct Tape Management Agency Department Bureau Office (FSDTMADBO) has been created at the cabinet level, and is authorized to purchase and deliver the billions of rolls of duct tape needed to repair the problems that the administration creates each day.

Besides dealing with today's problems, The Agency Department Bureau Office will be responsible for preparing for tomorrow's blunders by building a National Strategic Duct Tape Repository where hundreds of millions of rolls of duct tape will be stored and allowed to rot, and to manage a Federal Duct Tape Emergency Response Team (FDTERT) capable of delivering rotted duct tape anywhere that the government operates, in less than day.

"If FDTERT has been around when hurricane Katrina struck," said an FSDTMADBO spokesperson, "we would have duct-taped the levees in just a few hours and been able to prevent billions of dollars in damage. And if we had been around when the tidal wave struck Indonesia we would have duct taped something or other that would have either saved lives or looked good on TV."

According to sources, the president briefly considered two other strategies: either having the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) manage the duct tape or to create a duct tape management agency within the Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI). But a quick study showed that both FEMA and DHI were both badly in need of duct taping themselves and they could not take on additional responsibilities.

Duct tape shortages are predicted as Republican and Democratic parties as well as individual candidates are building up their own supplies of duct tape for the coming campaign, and the government of Iraq is making large purchases in order to hold a fractured nation together.

Scientists are studying whether duct tape can be used to stop global warming, or at least seem to.

City of Boston Declared No Humor Zone

Following the arrest of a 19-year old MIT student for wearing clothing that authorities at Boston's Logan Airport believed was a “hoax bomb,” Boston Mayor Tom Menino has declared the entire city a “No Humor Zone.”

Boston was paralyzed last January after police, who discovered blinking electronic signs showing a cartoon character giving people the finger just three short weeks after the signs had been put up, decided that the cartoons might be part of a terror attack.

"Al-Queda is constantly changing their tactics," a police official explained at the time. "The very fact that they have never used blinking electronic cartoons would have been proof that they did it if they actually had done it. Thus we were right to react as we did."

In a press conference following the Logan arrest Menino explained that insensitivity to humor, whimsy, or irony was just one element of the city's approach to terror threats. “We know that terrorists have no sense of humor at all" Menino said, "so we’ve made sure that the people who assess terror threats are likewise incapable of laughing at anything, no matter how funny others might find it. We believe that this may help us see through tactics that other police forces might overlook. When New York is destroyed by exploding Whoopee Cushions, we'll see who has the last laugh."

In order to reduce the number of false alarms, and to make the city's policy clear enough that even MIT students can understand it, the Mayor has directed his Task Force for Stupid Signs to create a “No Humor Zone” sign, shown above. The mayor has ordered fifteen thousand to be posted throughout the city.

“People need to realize that in Boston, humor is not a laughing matter,” said a spokesperson for the Mayor's office.

Al-Qaeda files suit in Iraq, US, and Israel

Citing the value of the Al-Qaeda brand, the international terror organization has filed simultaneous lawsuits in the Iraq, the United States, and Israel. The suits allege misuse of Al-Qaeda trademarks, and insist on substantial damages.

“Osama [bin Laden] has spent his life building our brand,” an Al-Qaeda spokesperson told us over a secure Internet phone call from the organization’s corporate headquarters, a cave in northern Pakistan. “He is not going to let the brand be compromised through unauthorized use. He will to protect our good name with strong legal action followed by some very big car bombs.”

The suit filed in Iraq names the organization that calls itself “Al-Qaeda in Mesopotamia” as principal defendant. According to the bin Laden spokesperson, Al-Qaeda in Mesopotamia was licensed to use the Al-Qaeda brand on a year to year basis, with automatic renewal if a contractually specified number of Iraqi officials, American soldiers, and innocent bystanders were killed each year.

“They have successfully met two of the targets,” said the spokesperson, “but they have utterly failed to kill the required number of innocents, and thus can no longer use our brand in their recruiting. According to our contract, they must now call themselves ‘Incompetent Assholes in Mesopotamia,’ a name which they have refused to use.

The suit also names the Iraqi government and the United States Military as co-defendants. “We have notified both of the correct new name of the organization that they claim they are fighting, but they continue to claim that they are after Al-Qaeda,” said the spokesperson. “This is proof of the value of our brand and why it must be protected at all costs.”

The second suit, filed in the United States, is directed at Apple, Inc., a large electronics manufacturer, and is a pre-emptive effort to block a new Apple product from reaching market. The new product, called the Al-QiPod, combines a video iPod with an explosives belt and royalty free downloads. According to the spokesperson the Al-QiPod was to be sold to millions of teen-agers throughout the Middle East. “We are very open to an accommodation on this one,” said the representative, “as it is in our best interests to see this product launched quickly.”

The subject of the final suit, filed in Israel, was unavailable at press time. An Israeli Federal Court representative acknowledges receiving a large box labeled “Contains VERY IMPORTANT Legal Materials; Please Open in a Crowded Place.” “Since this box says that it is very important,” said the representative, “we’ve decided to wait for the next session of the Knesset before opening it.”

Al-Qaeda believes all three suits will be successful and expects that the damages will be substantial “whether or not we win in court.”

Bush Plans Revealed

"Just as our mission was accomplished until it wasn't and we were winning the war until we weren't, the 'surge' is successful and will continue to be until it isn't," said a senior Administration official.

"At that time," he said, "we will fire General Patraeus and Secretary Gates, replace them with a new team, and come up with a new strategy."

"We i n the Administration call this 'Staying the Course'."

"Until we call it something else, that is."

Bush Announces Success in Iraq and Possible Drawdown

Following his surprise visit to Iraq President George W. Bush has announced that the "surge" strategy in Iraq was working.

"Gen. Petraeus and Ambassador Crocker tell me if the kind of success we are now seeing continues, it will be possible to maintain the same level of security with fewer American forces," Bush said, in a carefully prepared spontaneous statement.

According to several news reports this success includes 2,318 civilian deaths during the month of August.

"We have analyzed the numbers and feel we can keep the civilian death toll at this level with as few as twenty American troops," said a spokesman.

"By agreeing to withdraw troops, we prove that the surge is working."

Bush Visit to Iraq not a Photo Opportunity

Citing the need to consult with top commanders and Iraqi leaders President Bush and top aides made a surprise visit to Iraq this week.

“This is not a photo opportunity,” said a White House spokesperson, “but an important event that required that the president meet face-to face with top commanders and Iraqi leaders. Since there are many top commanders and many Iraqi leaders, but only one president, it made more sense for him to pay them a surprise visit than for several plane loads of them to make a surprise visit to Washington.”

“This is not a photo opportunity,” said a defense department spokesperson, “but an important chance for not only top commanders but also middle and bottom commanders to meet with the President and tell him fact-to-face everything that they have been ordered to say about the military and political situation.”

“This is not a photo opportunity,” said a spokesman for the Association of Important Iraqi Politicians (AIIP) just returned from their August holidays. “It is a chance to meet with the President of the United States so that he can personally ignore what we have to say rather than doing it through intermediaries.”

“This is not a photo opportunity,” said one of the members of the special group of reporters, photographers and camera crews that accompanied the president on his visit. “It’s really not a photo opportunity. Really. It’s not. We’re writing stuff, too. So it's a reporting opportunity. Not a photo opportunity. Really. It is."

Violence in Iraq is a Sign of Progress

Today’s guest columnist is Earnest Apologist. Earnest is a spokesperson for the Bush Administration. In his own words: “If president Bush is the decider, then I’m the explainer.”

Violence in Iraq is a Sign of Progress
by Ernest Apologist

The nit-picking, nay-saying negativists in this country have got it wrong once again. They hear stories about violence in Iraq and start wringing their hands. Instead, they should be cheering. Why can’t they see that what they call “uncontrolled violence” in Iraq is really a clear sign—visible to anyone without preconceived notions—that Iraq is becoming a better, freer place. How can they deny it?

Think about it! Just a few years ago, Iraq was ruled by a dangerous, paranoid, megalomaniacal autocrat. Only he and his Sunni cronies had the right to torture, maim, and kill civilians. The ordinary Iraqi had no such freedom. Violence was centralized and controlled by an elite. What some people thought was “civil order” was simply apathy. The government had a monopoly on civic violence and no one cared enough to break it.

Today Iraq is free. Anyone who wants to torture, maim or kill someone else can do it. Anyone who wants to blow up a building or destroy a marketplace can do it. Free market forces are bringing the best and most sophisticated explosives within reach of nearly all Iraqis. Iraqis—with no jobs to distract them and with no gasoline for their cars—have the leisure time to create bombs—and to use them.

And most important, for the first time people care enough to get involved. They are speaking out in public; they are voting in elections; and they are blowing up their neighbors. That’s freedom. That’s something to cheer about. That’s progress!

And what creativity! Iraqis can now build, deploy, and trigger Improvised Explosive Devices so creatively and effectively that even best trained and best protected people in the world—the proud men and women of Halliburton— are being killed daily in new and innovative ways. That’s progress! And it’s our doing.

Violence by individuals is the sign of a free and healthy society. Can’t you carping critics see that? Our society is free and healthy; it’s the freest and healthiest in the world. And precisely because of that it’s one of the world’s most violent societies. Whether it’s O.J. expressing himself by killing his wife, or kids in Colorado or in Virginia giving voice to their feelings by slaughtering their classmates, Americans are free—as no other people in the world are free. We can kill whoever we want to; we can kill because we want to make a point; we can kill because we’re angry; and we can kill—just because. That’s the test of freedom. And we pass that test. We’re the freest in the world.

The Iraqis are making progress, but they’ve got a long way to go to be as free as we are. Have any Iraqis carried off an attack to match our Oklahoma City bombing? Not yet. That was done by free Americans. Iraqis are not free enough to do something like that—yet. But wait. With our help, they’ll get there.

And lest we forget: while the planes of 9/11 were flown by foreigners, the plot was hatched, the pilots were trained, and the mission was ultimately accomplished on free American soil. They used American planes as flying bombs and coffins and brought down two American buildings. Our free soil. Our free planes. Our buildings. Just try doing that in China, or Russia, or in Saddam Hussein’s Iraq and see how far you get. Violence takes freedom and we’ve got plenty of both.

Freedom is on the march in Iraq. We should all be proud of what we’ve done. And we should look forward to an increasingly free and violent future.

Bush Names General David Petraeus First "Surgin' General"

In order to recognize General David Patraeus's outstanding work in managing the "surge" in Iraq, The Wolf Report has learned that President Bush plans to name Petraeus as America's first "Surgin General."

Mineapolis Bridge Colllapse Linked to al Qaeda

According to campaign advisers to Republican contender Rudy Giuliani there are “growing indications” that the collapse of a bridge in Minneapolis that killed eight people and injured more than a hundred might be traced directly to illegal immigrants, al-Qaeda operatives, outsourcing, gay marriage, and the tax-and-spend Democrats. “It’s just a matter of making the right connection in people’s minds,” said the advisor.

While the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) is using scientific analysis to determine the roles of that bad engineering, poor maintenance, and the laws of physics my have played in this disaster, the Giuliani campaign, in cooperation with the campaigns of other Republican candidates, the White House, and Dick Cheney’s independent branch of government, called the Not Executive but Protected by Executive Privilege branch (also known as the NEBPBEP), are using sophisticated polling techniques to determine what part this tragedy might play in getting a Republican elected by linking the disaster to politically charged issues.

According to the pollsters, it’s not that hard. Early polling shows that voters can understand that the deaths may have been caused by homosexual al-Qaeda operatives who crossed into the US from Mexico and have been living on welfare money and money from family members working jobs taken from hard-working Americans far more easily than they can understand how the physics of bridge trusses and load weights might have caused the disaster. “Let’s face it,” said a member of the polling team, “physics is a boring topic and structural engineering is hard to imagine but the threat of gay Mexican al-Qaeda outsourced welfare workers brings to mind the chilling image of hordes of effeminate brown-skinned people with turbans under their sombreros collecting welfare checks with one hand while seducing our children and plotting against out-of-work Americans with the other. That’s an image that’s hard to get out of your mind once we’ve put it there,” he continued. “We should know. We’ve tried.”

According to the campaign, there are many indications of potential connections. “For example,” explained one, “we know there are bridges in the United States. We know there are illegal immigrants. We also know that every day, many illegal immigrants use bridges. We know there here are bridges in Iraq, too. We know that there are al-Qaeda terrorists in Iraq. And we know that several bridges in Iraq have been destroyed by al-Qaeda terrorists. So there are just a few of the connections.

“We also know,” he continued, “that there are people in America who are on welfare and we know there are gays in America. We know that some of those welfare people and gays use bridges, too. We know that many illegal immigrants are Mexicans and we know that many Mexicans have voted for Democrats. We know there are outsourced jobs. We know that many of these jobs are done by people with brown skin. We know that many illegal immigrants have brown skin. And we know that most al-Qaeda operatives have brown skin. So we know that the connections between al-Qaeda, bridges, gays, Mexicans, and bridges are all there, if you just look for them.

“These connections are all facts,” pointed out the source. “And that means we can't rule out the fact that one or more of the al-Qaeda operatives that are operating secretly in the United States, waiting for their chance to strike, is one of the gay Mexicans who helped sabotage the bridge.

"You just never know," he concluded.

Department Announces New Threat Warning System

The Department of Homeland Insecurity has announced that the old five-color threat awareness system, sometimes called "The Traffic Lights of Death" will be retired. In its place the department has unveiled a new warning system that is "more appropriate to al-Qaeda's expanded tactics.

Using the new system, the nation's entire threat posture can be characterized using a single image created by choosing colors singly or in pairs from a palate of 75 federally approved colors, and combining them with one or more of the one hundred patterns and textures currently authorized by the Department. New colors and textures will be added as new threats are imagined.

The threat status within the image can be interpreted in two levels. First, the basic threat status can be interpreted using the 200 page Department of Homeland Insecurity manual, called the Feng Shui of Modern Threats. The details of the threat can be understood using the Department's five volume set called Modern Terror Explained.

These documents will not be released to the public but will instead continue to be classified SECRET, according to a Department of Insecurity spokesman. This must be done “to keep this wily enemy from using our own threat warning system against us.”

Today's threat status is mauve and puce on a classic Williamsburg brick texture.

New Wave of Al-Qaeda Attacks Already Underway

Following revelation by the Department of Homeland Security that al-Qaeda’s threat posture had notably improved, a representative of newly formed Department of Homeland Insecurity, announced that al-Queda was now known to be responsible a growing number of heart attacks, automobile accidents, breast cancers, dog, shark, and insect bites, as well as a wave of inner city crime possibly dating back over several decades. Staying off airplanes, out of buildings and away from cities will not help you anymore,” said the spokesman. “They can strike anywhere. They can strike in any way. No one is safe. And,” he concluded, citing, the new department’s motto, “be sure and have a nice day.”

Asked for comment, a white house spokesperson pointed out that the number of al-Qaeda-related traffic- disease- and insect-related deaths would even higher if we were not fighting them in Iraq. “By keeping them pinned down over there,” the spokesperson said, “we keep them from following us home and destroying our lawns, our gardens, our SUVs and our strip malls.”