Plan to stop climate change has unexpected benefits

While some are bemoaning record-breaking oil and gasoline prices, Bush administration officials are smiling. “Our market based approach for solving our nation’s problems is clearly working,” said one. “Without increasing taxes or creating a vast bureaucracy we have reduced green house gas emissions, decreased highway fatalities, increased the time that Americans spend with their families, eliminated major sources of air-pollution, reduced the environmental impact of visitors to our national park system, decreased the cost of maintaining our Interstate highway system, relieved overcrowded airports, reduced obesity, and encouraged more young men and women to join our nation’s military.”

Insiders also credit the program with making renewable energy sources—including solar, wind, and geothermal—more attractive, and with encouraging Americans to make lifestyle changes—such as freezing and starving—that will reduce the amount of oil they use.

As gasoline moves steadily toward the administration’s initial target price, $15 a gallon, analysts expect to see large numbers of gas guzzling SUVs replaced by a smaller number of fuel-efficient compact hybrids; to see large energy-wasting resource-consuming McMansions abandoned in favor of small, energy-efficient, recycled cardboard boxes; and to see millions of fat, lethargic Americans turned into lean, agile participants in an increasingly green and global economy.

Last minute Lakers heroics cut Celtics lead to 39

Los Angeles Lakers Luke Walton’s clutch free throw, made with just 30 seconds left in the game, destroyed the Boston Celtics hopes of beating the Lakers by more than 40 points in the sixth game of this year’s NBA Finals. The free throw capped off a 7-3 Lakers surge during the final, exciting, 1:22 and cut the Celtics lead from a game high 43 points to a mere 39. A Jordan Farmar three-point shot and a Sasha Vujacic jumper rounded out the flurry of Lakers scoring.

“Speaking as the world’s greatest basketball player,” said Lakers guard Kobe Bryant, the world’s greatest basketball player, “it was great to see the other guys step up and cut into the Celtics lead.” Bryant, who left the game at the 2:21 mark with 22 points was replaced by Vujacic who had scored 5 critical points before his last minute jumper ballooned his point total to 7.

“We couldn’t get it done,” said crestfallen Celtics forward Kevin Garnett. “We had a chance to make history, and we blew it. Winning the championship is some consolation, but you get a chance to beat the Lakers by more than 40 points about once a century. We flat out weren’t able to hold them off.”

“It would have been easy for our guys to give up when they were 43 points behind,” said Lakers coach Phil Jackson, “but they never quit. They stepped up. They did what they needed to do, even with the world's greatest basketball player sitting on the bench. I'm proud of every member of our team, especially the world's greatest basketball player, who was willing to let his teammates show what they were made of.”

Obama to undergo sex change operation

In order to create unity within the Democratic Party, presumptive nominee Barack Obama has pledged to undergo a sex change operation to become the party’s first black and female candidate.

“Woman deserve more than the Vice Presidency,” said Obama to a cheering crowd. “Senator Clinton’s tireless campaigning has earned women the right to be represented at the top of the ticket. To put Senator Clinton in a subordinate role would be an affront not only to her—but to women everywhere.”

“And while the candidate who has gotten the majority of delegate votes must be the nominee, that nominee can be both black and female if that candidate is willing to undergo a simple operation.”

“I am willing to undergo that operation, and as a female, to proudly carry on the work that Senator Clinton has started.”

“This is an important decision, and I have discussed it with my wife Michelle, who herself is a female, as are my two daughters both of whom are females, my white grandmother who is a female and who is descended from a long line of females.”

“I asked Michelle, ‘Can we make this kind of sacrifice for American?’ and do you know what Michelle said?”

“She said, ‘Yes we can.’”