Carmaker advocates deny "blank check" rumor

“The government is not giving the automobile industry a blank check,” said Tim Whale, president of the Automotive Make-a-Wish Foundation (AMAWF), a charitable organization serving the needs of the automobile industry. “And if they gave us a blank check we'd just have to make it out for $15 billion dollars ourselves,which would probably take us several weeks and cost a million or two. So giving us one alrady made out for $15 billion is going to save the taxpayer money.”

“The automobile industry does not want a blank check,” agreed Donovan White, chairman of the Big Brothers of Automotive America (BBAA), also a charitable organization for downtrodden American automakers. “A $15 billion dollar check is quit sufficient, this month. Making it blank serves no purpose other than to try an portray automakers as greedy.”

“As good as the automotive industry is at losing money,” said Bill Melman, head of Gazillions for Gas Guzzlers (GfGG), an automotive lobbying organization recently re-registered as a charity, “we can’t lose more than $15 billion in a month, so providing us with a blank check is unnecessary.”

Belichick recommends retroactive suspension for Burris

New England Patriots' coach Bill Belichick has endorsed the New York Giants' decision to suspend wide receiver Plaxico Burris. Belichick has also suggested that Burris' suspension be made retroactive.

 “Making Burris’ suspension retroactive from, say about thirty-six seconds before the end of, I guess maybe the fourth quarter in, oh, whatever game he might have been playing on, say February 3^rd, that would send a strong message to younger players: not only would their future be in jeopardy, but their past would be as well.”

 “Anything less woudl certainly send the wrong kind of message.”

Automakers deciding how to get to Washington for bail-out money

Reacting to Congress’ outrage at their flying to Washington in three separate corporate jets, the presidents of General Motors, Ford, and Chrysler have taken action.

“It took a lot of hard work,” said Tim Johnson, a consultant who headed the tripartite task force that made the ultimate decision, “and because we wanted to make the decision that would create the best possible impression of concern, we spared no expense.”

“Initially many of us believed that it would be best to have the presidents hitchhike,” he explained. “By riding in cars that were already headed toward Washington, this would not only minimize cost, but also have the smallest impact on the environment.”

“However the consultants who studied hitchhiking determined that the time to get there was too highly variable. Their report, based on experiments by more than 100 hitch hiking teams, showed that times varied from twelve hours to more than ten days.”

“The consultants who studied car pooling determined that the trip would take approximately nine hours under good driving conditions, and if the presidents left Detroit in the late evening, they could arrive in Washington with ample time before the hearings; could testify; and then could drive back after rush hour, thus saving the cost of three hotel rooms.”

“Unfortunately, the follow-on study, to decide what kind of car to take could not be completed. Each of the companies felt that if their car was not chosen that it would reflect badly on their corporate image. ”

“Meanwhile the consultants that we hired to review the work of these and five other consulting teams and twelve internal teams, four from each company, arrived at a compromise which the presidents have all agreed to. Each of the presidents will fly to an undisclosed airport near Washington in his company’s private jet; each will hitchhike separately to Washington. The flights would save time, and the hitchhiking would give the appearance of caring.

“The presidents would then each drive back to Detroit in individual armored cars filled with money, showing a hands-on attitude. The entire process would be captured on film and made a part of a one hour documentary to be broadcast during prime time periods that we have purchased for that purpose.”

“The fact this entire study, involving more than a thousand people, could be done in less than two weeks, and at a cost of under $40 million, shows that the American automobile industry is nimble and creative, and fully deserving of the billions we're asking for.”