Steve Jobs To Announce Apple iOuija and Soulbook at Macworld 2012

Steve Jobs isn't slowing down just because he's dead. Less than one month after his passing, Apple is readying his latest, and possibly most brilliant creation: the iOuija--a stylish handheld device that communicates with the afterlife. Using his own iOuija, Jobs will announce the new product at Macworld 2012 in January, along with Soulbook, an iOuija-enabled social network that lets people in the present and the afterlife communicate and share digital media in what Apple describes as a "seamless, eternal social experience."
Image by Patrick Nouhailler via Flickr
"Steve came up with iOuija and Soulbook shortly after he learned that his cancer was terminal," an Apple insider, told The Wolf Report. "We finished the basic engineering about eight months ago, and Steve could hardly wait to get to the other side so that he could run live tests, so to speak, and set up manufacturing. But family and several new projects kept him here until the very last minute. When it looked like we might miss the Macworld rollout if Steve stayed around, he headed off.

On October 6, 2012, the day after Jobs died, he assembled an afterlife-side iOuija kit and sent the first iOuija-text message to the iOuija team at Apple: "Having a wonderful time, wish you were here." He spent the rest of his first month setting up infrastructure, manufacturing operations, and distribution, while Apple engineers ironed out bugs in the iOuija's phone and video interfaces and in iOuija apps.

"Things were more complicated on the other side than Steve and the Apple team had anticipated," our source told us. "Because each major religion has its own afterlife, Steve had to negotiate dozens of contracts in just one month. Without the iOuija, which Steve used to coordinate with the Apple legal team and the earthly representatives of various religions, he could not have brought it off."

The iOuija will be available for Jews, Muslims, Christians in Heaven and Purgatory, and for members of many smaller religions right after Macworld. The iOuija-HT a ruggedized version, capable of withstanding the high temperatures of the first eight circles of Hell, will ship in May, and the iOuija-XHT for use in the Ninth Circle will ship next December. Prototypes for the iOuija-HT and -XHT were developed in just one week when the Apple team learned that regardless of religion, all lawyers were sent to Fraud and Treachery, the Eighth and Ninth Circles of Hell.

If your religion is not yet supported by iOuija, send an email to afterlife@apple.com naming your belief system. Apple will let you know when support is available. Because of incompatible protocols, Apple will not be able to support iOuija for atheists.

Study: Larks, Clams Far Happier Than Pigs In Shit

By using neural imaging to measure electrical activity in the nervous systems of animals, scientists at the University of Maryland have proven that clams are happier than larks and that both are happier than pigs in shit.

Marshall Feynman, principal researcher, says the results are robust. "We have tested thirty breeds of pigs with more than seventy different kinds of shit," he says. "It makes no difference. Pigs in shit are never happier than larks or clams. In fact, pigs seem unaffected by whether or not they are in shit."

The research shows that larks are insensitive to being in shit, but clams are sensitive both to being in shit and to the kind of shit they are in.

"Based on our research," says Feynman, "the scientifically correct way to indicate that a person is as happy as possible is to say that they are 'as happy as a clam in lark shit.'"

New Drugs Won't Take No For An Answer

In an act that experts describe as a "major escalation in the War on Drugs" The World Association of Drug Designers (WADD) has released two drugs that "won't take no for an answer." The drugs mark a setback for the highly successful "Say No To Drugs" campaign, a chief weapon in the War.

Persistasy, the first drug, appeared on streets last April. By May the Center for the War on Drugs (CWD) had recognized the threat, and responded with the "Say No! No! No! No! No! No! NO!!! Goddamnit I Said NO!!! To Drugs" campaign. The campaign was starting to be effective when Unrelentasy appeared.

"Unrelentasy is like Ecstasy and The Terminator rolled into one package," says Billy C, head of the New York Drug Lord Association (NYDLA). "You can say 'no' to this drug all night long and it just doesn't give a shit; it keeps on coming. Unrelentasy is unstoppable!"

But researchers at the CWD say it can be stopped. "Unrelentasy may not take 'no' for an answer," says Roger Delaney, the CWD's chief scientist, "but if your answer is: 'Fuck off and die, you son of a bitch!; then even Unrelentasy will leave you alone."

The CWD has successfully tested their "Say Fuck off and Die, You Son of A Bitch! To Drugs" campaign in seven New York high schools, and plans to roll it out nationwide next month."You have to shout 'Fuck off and Die, You Son of A Bitch!' really loud," says Adam Clayton, a high school senior who participated in the test, "but it does work."

God Caves Under Pressure: Blesses America

Apparently bowing to pressure from lobbying groups, and threatened with a cut in funding,  God has agreed to bless America. “We consider this a great victory,” said Jim McEwan, spokesman for the Coalition of Patriotic Deists, the largest “God Bless American” lobbying group. “After years of requesting and finally demanding that God bless America, we have achieved the blessing we aimed for, and that we so richly deserve.”

The blessing was announced during a noonday press conference by the Metatron, heavenly scribe and spokesangel for the Lord God Jehovah. “I have a message from God to read to you. I will take no questions after I have read it,” said the seraph, the highest ranking member of the God’s angelic hierarchy.

“At 10:13 this morning, God blessed America. Thank you.”

The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped nearly 800 points in heavy trading following the news.

Fastest Growing Religion: Ventriloquism

The world's fastest growing religion is not Islam, Christianity, Catholicism, Hinduism, or Buddhism. It's a strange new religion called Ventriloquism. Its adherents, called Ventriloquists, believe they can to give life and voice to dolls, dummies, and other inanimate objects. Ventriloquists even put on public demonstrations to show they can do it.

"Ventriloquism is growing rapidly for two reasons," says Edna DeFay, spokesperson for high-profile Ventriloquist, Jeff Dunham, who some call the Tom Cruise of Ventriloquism. "First, we are non-denominational. You don't have to abandon your current religion to become a Ventriloquist. You can be a Catholic and a Ventriloquist, or a Jew and a Ventriloquist. There are many Muslims who are Ventriloquists, and there is a growing number of atheists who are Ventriloquists."

"Second," she continued, "Ventriloquism is growing because unlike most other religions, we don't rely on faith. If you want to decide whether Ventriloquists can do what we claim, we can show you a Ventriloquist bringing something to life."

But there's a catch. While most religions hold open, free services, Ventriloquists hold events for which they charge each seeker as much as $100; a high price to see Ventriloquism being practiced.

But some say it's worth it. "Ventriloquism is a fascinating religion," says Israel Cohen, an Orthodox Jew who says that some of  his best friends are Ventriloquists. "Whenever there's a Ventriloquist in town, I'll always pay to see him. Who knows," he shrugs, "some day I might convert."

Walmart Wins Contracts for New Fighter, Tank, Aircraft Carrier

Image via WikipediaIn an effort to trim the cost of military hardware, the Department of Defense has awarded contracts for the Air Force's next generation fighter jet, the Army's next generation tank, and the Navy's next generation aircraft carrier to Walmart, the retail giant headquartered in Bentonville, Arkansas.

"Walmart won the competition not just on the basis of its prices, which were more than 30% less
than their nearest competitor'ss," said Roger Dubner, a procurement officer for the Department of Defense, "but also because of its quality guarantees, and service commitment. Walmart will take back any fighter, tank, or carrier that any pilot, tank commander, caption or crew member finds defective, and provide the government with for a full refund, with no questions asked. And with stores in more than 55 countries, Walmart can provide faster and lower cost repairs than any of its competitors, anywhere in the world."
Image via Wikipedia

"We at Walmart our proud that we can help the United States Government 'save money and live better', said Duane Revetnik, spokesman for Walmart. "And we hope that our ability to provide quality weapons at a low price will lead to more defense contracts with the United States government, and with governments of other countries that are looking for more affordable ways to wage war.

According to Revetnik the new military hardware will be built in China, Vietnam, and Brazil by a  workforce that will add nearly 100,000 offshore employees to Walmart's current 2.1 million.

In related news, aircraft plants, manufacturing facilities, and boat yards in the United States that had begun hiring in anticipation of the contracts will release more than 500,000 employees.

Psychic Association Correctly Predicts Date, Place of Annual Conference

The American Psychic Association (APA), an industry group for individuals with paranormal predictive abilities, has once again correctly predicted the date and place for its annual conference. The conference was held, exactly as foretold, on July 6-7 in New Orleans, Louisiana. This is the twenty-fifth consecutive year that the APA has made a correct prediction.

"With three hundred sixty five days a year and more than 10,000 venues in the US alone to choose from," said Janet Johnson, Chief Psychic Officer of the APA, "our ability to make this prediction correctly in even one year is less than one in three million; our ability to do it correctly for twenty-five consecutive years should convince all skeptics of the validity of our psychic powers."

"We don't agree," said Duane Rostovich, spokesperson for the American Skeptic's Association (ASA). While we congratulate the APA on their record, we believe that it will eventually explained by some physical process. The fact that we have not found it does not mean that it isn't there."

Related articles

• Procrastinators' Conference Postponed--Again (thewolfreport.blogspot.com)

Archaeologists: Ottoman Empire Built on Top of Chaise Longue Empire

Arhcaeologists digging in Turkey have discovered that the Ottoman Empire was actually built on top of an earlier empire called the Chaise Longue Empire.

The Ottoman Empire, which lasted for more than 600 years, from 1299 to 1923. At its greatest extent it included Turkey, most of what is now called the Middle East, most of modern Egypt, the coastal regions of North Africa from Egypt to Algeria, and extended beyond s now Greece, Romania, Serbia, Bosnia, and Hungary.
Image via Wikipedia

God to Release Man 2.0 This Year

Faced with a growing number of human and human-caused problems experts believe that God release Man 2.0 this year, rather than continuing to patch Man 1.x.

“Man 1.x has done well, but  it’s really time for an upgrade,” says Brian Maltini, who has spent thirty years disassembling many of God’s creations, including man. “With millions of patches and thousands of service pack releases, man’s remaining bugs are so fundamental that they need the Man 2.0’s architectural changes to be resolved. With its new design, Man 2.0 will be far faster, more reliable, and more secure than Man 1.x.”

“The problems that began with release of Man 1.0 were inevitable,” said Richard Maltz, a Book of Genesis scholar at Bob Jones University. “As we know from the Bible, God was under schedule pressure right from the start. He did a magnificent job nontheless, and by the fourth day he’d finished creating everything but living things. On the fifth day he created the aquatic creatures and the birds but ran into some problems, and did not have time for the land animals. Rather than take a schedule slip, God chose to create both the land animals and man on the same day, and that’s what caused the problems.”

“There’s clear evidence now that problems in man’s scalability and reliability result from shortcuts God took to meet the schedule,” agrees Maltini. “Man 1.0 was not stress-tested nor were there any volume tests. It’s no surprise that as world population has grown from just two to many billions, and as the world has become a more complex and stress-filled place, that serious bugs in Man 1.x continue to appear.”

Maltini believes that God will roll the new release out in phases starting next month. But some, including American Christian radio host Harold Camping, believe that God intends to take down the entire system on October 21, 2011 and will install Man 2.0 at that time.

Technorati Tags: God,Allah,Man 2.0,Rapture

Bristol, Levi Books to be Followed by Tripp’s Tell-All

With mommy Bristol Palin’s book “Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far” starting to rack up sales, and daddy Levi Johnstone’s “Deer in the Headlights” out soon, followers of quality non-fiction are excited to learn that baby Tripp Palin is writing a book, due out this November. The book, titled “I May Be a Bastard, But My Parents are Assholes,” promises to tell the truths that Bristol and Levi can not face: that they are pretty much complete idiots.

Because Tripp is only two and a half, the book will co-authored by Adam Mansbach, author of the best-selling “Go the F**k to Sleep.”

Technorati Tags: Levi Johnstone,Bristol Palin,Tripp Palin,Adam Mansbach

Billionaires Threaten Strike if Taxes Raised

The American Association of Billionaires, (AAB) the tax lobbying group for the super-rich, has announced a nationwide billionaire’s strike if taxes on billionaires are raised “even one penny.”

“We’re not doing it for ourselves, but for the country as a whole,” said Dennis DaPalma, spokesperson for the AAB. “Billionaires play an important role in our economy, and higher taxes for billionaires would hurt everyone, especially the poor.”

Not all billionaires agree. In an excerpt from a 2005 television program available on YouTube, Bill Gates and Warren Buffet, the two richest men in America according to the Forbes 400 rankings, said they favored higher taxes for the rich, positions they continue to hold.

“I think Bill and I should pay a higher tax rate on the income we get,” said Buffet. “It’s a rate that’s less than half the tax rate that I was paying twenty-five years ago when I was making a lot less money. They have really taken care of the rich.”

Gates agreed. “I go along with that wholeheartedly,” he said. “The rich should bear a somewhat higher proportion of the burden than they do today.”

“With the money they’ve got that’s easy for Gates and Buffet to say,” said DaPalma. “Gates has $54 billion and Buffet has $45 billion. The next wealthiest man, Larry Ellison, has just $27 billion—about half of what Gates has. But not everyone is that well off. More than 200 billionaires have only $1 to $2 billion. Life’s a lot different down there.”

DaPalma, who jokes that his net worth is “only $282 million, and that’s on a good day,” aspires to become a billionaire. “I don’t' expect to be a guy like Gates or Buffett who can just throw money around on taxes,” he said, “but I do hope to become actually rich some day. It’s the American Dream.”

If the billionaires go on strike DaPalma says he will strike in sympathy, and says he knows a lot of other millionaires who will join him.

Asked about his own taxes, DaPalma proudly reported that by careful tax planning he paid $17.62 last year, down from $112.87 the year before. “That’s a fair share,” he said, “and it’s about as much as any American—rich or poor—should have to pay.”

Technorati Tags: Taxes,Politics,Billionaires

Fires in Arizona, New Mexico Cause Marshmallow Shortage

Raging fires in Arizona and New Mexico have produced a critical marshmallow shortage in the Southwest. “Supplies of chocolate and graham crackers are more than adequate,” said a representative of the Federal Emergency Management Administration (FEMA) who has been monitoring the growing crisis, “but we are rapidly running out of marshmallows.”

Neighboring governors have pledged to rush marshmallows to the embattled states, and President Obama has authorized FEMA to release more than 2 million marshmallows from the nation’s Strategic Marshmallow Reserve . ”We believe that the situation is under control," said the FEMA representative, “and that our handling of this marshmallow crisis will restore the nation’s confidence in our organization.”

Technorati Tags: Fema,Fires,Marshmallows

Clinton Calls Weiner “a Pussy”

In an exclusive interview with The Wolf Report, former President Bill Clinton described former Representative Anthony Weiner as “a pussy” for resigning under fire. “Look, I got a blow job in the Oval Office,” said Clinton, “the Republicans spent nearly 80 million dollars investigating my administration. They spent almost $10 million on the blow job alone. And what did they get? Nothing. Meanwhile Weiner texts a few pictures of his undershorts and folds under fire.” “He’s a pussy,” Clinton said angrily. “There’s just no other word for it.”

Technorati Tags: Politics,Clinton,Weiner

Obama proposes 9.1% = 5.25%

President Barack Obama is considering an executive order that would make 9.1% equal to somewhere between 6.5% and 5.25%, thus dramatically reducing the nation’s unemployment rate and fueling the recovery. According to insiders, staff at the Bureau of Economic Analysis (BEA) are hard at work deciding whether the lower figure, which the President prefers, would fuel inflation.

Congressional Republicans, meanwhile, have introduced legislation which would make 9.1% equal to 13.5% clearly demonstrating that the President has worsened the terrible economy that he inherited from President George W. Bush.

Congressional Republicans are also considering making $14.294 trillion equal to $75.33 trillion, making Obama’s contribution to the national debt more than seven times greater than all prior presidents.

Both bills are expected to fail in the Senate.

Technorati Tags: Obama,Politics,Debt,Unemployment

Misplaced Possessive Outbreak’s Cause Shortage’s of Apostrophe’s

Nationwide outbreak’s of Misplaced Possessive Syndrome (MPS) have resulted in growing shortage’s of apostrophe’s, according to official’s in the Bureau of Apostrophe Management (BAM). MPS, is a viral disease that causes it’s victim’s to use possessive's instead of plural’s, dramatically increasing utilization of apostrophe’s.

“The rate’s of apostrophe use have increased more than 500% due to MPS,” said Blake Witherspoon, BAM director in a televised press conference. “We are working hard to control the outbreak’s.”

“In the meantime,” Witherspoon continued, “people should not worry about getting the apostrophe’s they need. We have hundred’s of million’s of apostrophe’s in the nation’s Strategic Apostrophe Reserve and we will begin to release them if the shortage persist’s.”

The BAM is encouraging people with extra apostrophe’s to exchange them for other punctuation marks at the nearest BAM office. “With private contribution’s we believe we can respond to the crisis without touching our reserve’s,” said Witherspoon.

Technorati Tags: Apostrophe's,grammar

Budget Cuts Threaten Nation’s Supply of Weather

Washington lawmakers are close to a deal that would reduce the nation’s weather supply in order to fund more important government services. The bill under consideration, the Weather Conservation Act of 2011, is the direct result of a Wolf Report editorial.

“When you’re faced with either defaulting, or with cutting national defense, Social Security, Medicare, or weather,” says Rep. Tom Gaskill, R-North Dakota. “The answer is simple: excess weather has to go. I don’t know why we haven’t seen this sooner.”

“We now realize that our weather programs, most of which were created by Republicans, are wasteful,” says Rep. Donna Morgan, D-New Jersey. “We provide weather twenty-four hours a day, three hundred sixty five days a year, to one hundred percent of the country, whether people need it or not. Our studies show that almost no one uses more than about a third of that weather, and most people use even less. In regions where population is sparse, nearly all of the weather is wasted. And some people, especially those living in cities, would be happy with no weather at all.”

While Congress decides exactly how much weather to cut, not everyone is happy with the idea. “We need more weather, not less,” says Tom Billllllinger, a stuttering 30-year old farmer in Iowa. “Without weather, how in the hell do we grow our crops? And without crops, how in the hell do we get farm subsidies?  For the next 35 years we can do without Social Security and Medicare before we can do without weather.”

The Congressional Budget Office (CBO), which evaluates the economic impact of legislative changes, agrees that we overspend on weather. “We’ve looked at both the costs and the benefits of weather,” said Jim Meltzer, spokesperson for the CBO, “and we find that weather is the most wasteful of all federal programs. The costs are high, and the benefits are small. If we took advantage of all the potential savings, we could use the money to build more than 30,000 bridges to nowhere.”

Technorati Tags: Weather,Deficit,CBO

Climate Change Started When Discovery of Fire Fucked Things Up.

Climate researcher John Williams says that the global climate change we experience today started nearly 400,000 years ago when early hominids invented fire, and began the process of completely fucking up the climate and just about everything else on the planet.

“We don’t know what the world was like before fire was invented,” said Williams, “but we do know that since then this planet has turned into a shithole.”

Using data from the Vostok Cores, which provide the most accurate record of climate over the past 400,00 years, along with speculations about when fire was invented, and his own distaste for modern civilization Williams has developed a theory that he says is a “near certainty.”

	Data from the Vostok Cores

 

“If you look at the climate record over 400,00 years you can see that there have been four major glacial epochs along with five warm “interglacial” periods. The weather has varied by more than ten degrees from coldest to warmest. If we ask ourselves ‘Why all this change?’ the answer is clear. The invention of fire has completely fucked everything up. Not just climate change, but pollution, Fox News, teenage pregnancy, and the Republican Party can all be traced back to fire.”

“As long as we continue to use fire,” Williams says, “we’ll continue to be totally fucked.”

Technorati Tags: Climate Change,Global warming,Vostok Cores

Onion Charged with Unfair Trade Practices

The Wolf Report has filed a complaint with the Federal Trade Commission alleging that the Internet humor site, The Onion, engages in unfair trade practices.

“The Onion is the WalMart of humor,” the complaint says. “Like the other WalMart, they use their huge size and enormous buying power to control the humor market, grabbing all the funniest headlines at substantial discounts, and forcing blogs like The Wolf Report to write stupid articles like ‘The Onion Charged With Unfair Trade Practices,’ in order to have something to post.”

“I agree,” said Chauncey Dillingham, an independent humor consultant who was invented for the purpose of having some sort of humorous quote. “This article, which you can see is barely amusing, if that, is exactly the kind of lame crap you’re left with once The Onion grabs all the good ideas. And it’s not just ideas: it’s execution, too. If I was being quoted in The Onion right now, instead of in The Wolf Report, their writers would have given me something really funny to say, and you’d be laughing your ass off, instead of wondering why this boring asshole is droning on, and on, and on, and dying for this article to end.”

Technorati Tags: Onion,Humor,Lame

Hotel Launches “Predator Friendly” Campaign after Booking Decline

The Hotel Sofitel New York has launched a $1M advertising and public relations campaign to lure back sexual predators after a hotel maid accused Dominique Strauss-Kahn, head of the IMF, of forcing her to perform oral sex on him. On the basis of her charges, Strauss-Kahn was arrested while attempting to leave the country, has been arraigned, and is now being held on $1M bail; many of the sexual predators who stay at the hotel have been cancelling reservations, dropping the occupancy rate by nearly half.

“Predators who want hotel accommodations in New York should realize that the maid who accused our guest was acting on her own, and not representing the hotel or its policies,” said a spokesman for the luxury hotel. “The complaint was entirely unauthorized. We regret the inconvenience that this irresponsible act has caused, and assure the public that this will not happen again.

“The Hotel Sofitel New York is proud of the predator-friendly policy under which the rich and powerful men who are our guests have been able to perform any sexual act, with or without consent, with any of our staff, and without complaint for years. With more than 30,000 such acts carried out at our hotel, we have had only this one complaint. It is unfortunate that the publicity has affected our hotel’s otherwise unblemished reputation.”

Insiders say that the hotel’s campaign, which led off with advertisements on online porn sites and in airline magazines has already had an enormous impact. New bookings are headed for record levels and the hotel is running full page advertisements for new staff, with bonuses for nuns, choir boys, and schoolgirls. The second part of the campaign will feature celebrity endorsements by Strauss-Khan himself, as well as Congressman Anthony Weiner, and actor Charlie Sheen.

Technorati Tags: Hotels,Predators,Strauss-Khan,Charlie Sheen,Anthony Weiner

Procrastinators’ Conference Postponed--Again

The First Annual Conference of the International Association of Procrastinators has been postponed, according to an announcement made today by Jim Little, Founder and President of the Association.

"The conference was supposed to be three weeks ago," Little explained, "but no one showed up because I'd forgotten to send out the conference announcement. Fortunately I also forgot to book the conference center and line up speakers, so no harm done.

"And there was no pressure to announce the postponement, which explains why it took until now for me to get around to it."

 Little claims that the Association has "millions of members."  "The numbers are hard to pin down," he says, "because our members keep putting off sending in their registration forms, partly because I keep putting off sending them out.

The First Annual Conference has been postponed 184 times during the 23 years of the organization’s existence.

According to Little, the new date for the meeting will be announced “very soon,” and posted on the Association's web site as soon as they have one.

Biblical Scholar: Jesus would have invaded Iraq

Duane Fitzsimmons, a Biblical scholar and computer scientist, has developed a computer program that predicts how Jesus would deal with modern challenges. The program, called WWJD, was calibrated against Jesus’ behavior in the Gospels of Mathew, Mark, and Luke, and correctly simulates Jesus’ behavior in the Gospel of John. Fitzsimmons has used WWJD to model Jesus’ response to challenges over the past 2,000 years.

“Over thousands of post-Biblical simulations WWJD’s predicted behavior for Jesus has been what one would have expected,” says Fitzsimmons. “In situation after situation, WWJD predicts that He would have chosen peace over war, charity over greed, generosity over selfishness. Then, surprisingly in the last few years, WWJD has predicted that Jesus would have reduced taxes on the rich, invaded both Afghanistan and Iraq, increased spending on the military, cut social welfare programs, and supported reprisals against Palestinians.”

Despite the unexpected results, Fitzsimmons is confident that the WWJD model is correct. “We don’t understand why WWJD gives the results that it does in modern simulations, but it’s an extremely complex program and not easy to understand. The fact that millions of American Christians, including a former President, seem to support these very same policies is encouraging. It’s hard to believe that both the WWJD program and all of these people could be wrong.”

Center for Political Tautology Announces "Vast Left-Wing Conspirancy"

The American Center for Political Tautology has announced its discovery of new, indisputable evidence of a vast left-wing conspiracy. "We're always ready to believe that such a conspiracy exists," 

said Jacob Teller, who made the announcement, "because there is no other way to explain the large number of people who believe that there is a conspiracy. Now we have more proof."

Image via Wikipedia

Teller's new report lists more than 100 web sites, for example this one, containing a deposition given by Paul Revere to the Massachusetts Provincial Congress. In it, Revere explains the events following his capture by the British

I told him they would miss their aim. He said they should not, they were only waiting for some deserters they expected down the road. I told him I knew better, I knew what they were after; that I had alarmed the country all the way up that their boats were caught aground, and I should have 500 men there soon.

“This can be used by rabid left-wingers to argue that there is no merit in Sarah Palin's statement that Revere

"...warned the British that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms by ringing those bells, and makin' sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed."

The document clearly gives Revere's report that he had told the British that he had 'alarmed the countryside' and 'should have 500 men there soon.' This obviously supports Palin's statement that the Colonists "were going to be free and ...going to be armed." The fact that the document says nothing about Revere's ringing bells and sending warning shots is clear evidence that the original text has been altered to remove these salient and crucial facts.

"Since our research shows that Sarah Palin is manifestly a genius," said Teller, "any web page on a supposedly neutral site that could be used, in any way, no matter how much exaggeration and interpretation was required, to argue that anything that Palin said was even minutely inaccurate--well, the web page must clearly be a lie. The fact that this particular lie is repeated so many times on the Internet, and can even be found in the Internet Archives, can only mean that the left-wing is able to take over any part of the Internet whenever they want, and make it say whatever they want.

"This is a threat to our liberty, and something must be done about it!"

About The Center for Political Tautology: is generally acknowledged as the leading provider of information that supports whatever people already believe is true because the Center for Political Tautology is the leading provider of information that supports whatever people already believe is true

.

Related articles

• Palin: Revere family warned British, bin-Laden, Hitler, Hirohito (thewolfreport.blogspot.com)
• Sarah Palin: I was right about Paul Revere (whyevolutionistrue.wordpress.com)

Center for Political Tautology Announces "Vast Right Wing Conspirancy"

The American Center for Political Tautology has announced its discovery of new, indisputable evidence of a vast right-wing conspiracy. "We're always ready to believe that such a conspiracy exists," said
Image by Getty Images via @daylifeJacob Teller, who made the announcement, "because there is no other way to explain the large number of people who believe that there is a conspiracy. Now we have more proof."

Teller's new report lists more than 100 web sites, for example this one, containing a "deposition" given by Paul Revere to the Massachusetts Provincial Congress. In it, Revere explains the events following his capture by the British.

I told him they would miss their aim. He said they should not, they were only waiting for some deserters they expected down the road. I told him I knew better, I knew what they were after; that I had alarmed the country all the way up that their boats were caught aground, and I should have 500 men there soon.

“This can be used by right-wingers to argue that there is some merit in Sarah Palin's statement that Revere

"...warned the British that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms by ringing those bells, and makin' sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed."

While the document does not say anything about ringing bells and sending warning shots, and while Revere's statements that he had 'alarmed the countryside' and 'should have 500 men there soon' are untrue, according to Revere's own account, the fact that he misled the British could be considered a warning that the Colonists were going to be free and were going to be armed.

"Since our research shows that Sarah Palin is manifestly an idiot," said Teller, "any web page on a supposedly neutral site that could be used, in any way, no matter how much exaggeration and interpretation was required, to argue that anything that Palin has even the smallest basis in fact--well, the web page must clearly be a lie. The fact that this particular lie is repeated so many times on the Internet, and can even be found in the Internet Archives, can only mean that the right-wing is able to take over any part of the Internet whenever they want, and make it say whatever they want.

"This is a threat to our liberty, and something must be done about it!"

About The Center for Political Tautology: is generally acknowledged as the leading provider of information that supports whatever people already believe is true because the Center for Political Tautology is the leading provider of information that supports whatever people already believe is true

.

Related articles

• Palin: Revere family warned British, bin-Laden, Hitler, Hirohito (thewolfreport.blogspot.com)
• Sarah Palin Fans Trying To Rewrite Wikipedia History Of Paul Revere's Ride To Match Her Crazy Version (thenewspundit.com)
• No, Palin's Wrong About Paul Revere: Experts (newser.com)

Palin: Revere family warned British, bin-Laden, Hitler, Hirohito

 

Sarah Palin doesn't back down. She reloads. She provoked a storm of criticism after she described Paul Revere  this way: "He who warned the British that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms by ringing those bells, and makin' sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed."

Now she not only refuses to apologize for her unusual version of history, but is aggressively defending it. She’s told reporters that she is “completely certain” that Revere warned the British based on the intensive study of American history that she started just after the Katie Couric interview.

Image via Wikipedia

According to Palin and a recently hired team of historians on her staff, Paul Revere’s warning the British is part of a Revere family tradition. Documents show that Paul Revere VIII, a direct descendent of the famous American patriot, warned Osama Bin Laden that "The SEALS are coming;" Paul Revere V warned Hitler that "D-Day is coming;" and his son, Paul Revere VI warned Emperor Hirohito that "The A-bomb is coming." "Those Revere family people who warned American’s enemies that they weren’t going to be doin’ any more bad stuff as so many of us can be aware and warns in order to give a fair chance by warnin’ whether by ringin’ bells or shootin’ off guns or warning with faxes or emails or web sites or anything else like Tweetin’ or anything so in order for these people to, even though it will do them no good, get a fighting chance, against our freedom, which will anyway succeed," Palin explained.

Related articles

• Palin Explains Why Her Paul Revere Remarks Were Correct: VIDEO (towleroad.com)
• Palin rewrites history (thehill.com)
• Because, sure, why not ... Apparently someone tried to edit Sarah Palin's Paul Revere comments INTO the man's Wikipedia page. (shortformblog.tumblr.com)

TAI’s ADW to feature UAD, ARC, ACD, and AUT

The Triadic Acronym Institute (TAI), the trade association for the Three Letter Acronym (TLA) industry, will hold an Acronym Development Workshop (ADW) in Phoenix (PHX) July (JUL) 7-10, 2010, with sessions on Unique Acronym Development (UAD), Acronym Registration and Copyrighting (ARC), Acronym Collision Detection (ACD) and Acronym User Testing (AUT).

You can register online at www.tai.com/reg or print and fill out a the Workshop Registration Form (WRF) found at www.tai.com/wrf and send it with a Self Addressed Stamped Envelope (SASE) to the address listed at www.tai.com/adr.

About SASE: SASE is a registered trademark of the Quadratic Acronym Institute (QAI) and is used with its permission.

About QAI: QAI is the TLA for the Quadratic Acronym Institution, trade association for the a Four Letter Acronym (FLA) industry. QAI and FLA are registered trademarks of TAI, and are used by QAI under an exclusive license.

About TAI: TAI is the TLA for Triadic Acronym Institute, the trade association for the Three Letter Acronym (TLA) industry. TAI, TLA, QAI, FLA, ADS, UAD, ARC, ACD, AUT, www, tai, com, reg, adr, WRF, WTF, and wrf are all registered trademarks of TAI.

BIS to Fix Health Care with Duct Tape

The United States Bureau of Impractical Solutions (BIS) has announced the results of a two-year, $300M study that has demonstrated the feasibility of fixing the United States health care system using duct tape.

“There’s no question that the health care system is broken,” said John Howard Atkinson, BIS Director. “There’s also no question that duct tape can fix anything. We really just needed to determine how much duct tape we’d need, and how to apply it.”

The BIS study included a pilot project—fixing the health care systems of several mid-sized American towns with just a few hundred rolls of tape each. Based on the project’s success the Bureau has now requested $7B to purchase the duct tape needed for the entire health care system, to train a corps of Federal Duct Tapers, and to fund the program for the two years it will take to fix health care. “Unlike other plans,” said Atkinson, “this is not a Band-Aid solution that will only hold for a short time. It’s a duct tape solution, and that means it’s going to last.”

“The best news,” said Atkinson, “is that this same technique can be used to fix other problems. The Bureau has authorized two new studies, one to find out how much duct tape it will take to fix the American economy, and the other to calculate the duct tape needed to fix our broken political system. Once the Federal Duct Tapers are finished with health care, they’ll transition to taping up these other problems.”

“We’ve always believed that a nation that could send a man to the moon could fix its health care system, its economy, and its political system with duct tape,” says Atkinson confidently. “Now we know that it’s just a matter of yardage.”

Bill to Barack: Get a Bl*w J*b and lead America!

In an exclusive interview with The Wolf Report former President Bill Clinton has ended his three-year, self-imposed silence and given President Barack Obama some timely advice. TWR: Let’s get right to the point. You agreed to this interview so that you could advise the President. What’s your advice. Clinton: You know, I was in a very similar situation to him. I won an election, and decided to address healthcare. Unfortunately Hillary screwed it up, but never mind that; Pelosi and Reid screwed it up in a different way. And then the same thing happened to Obama that happened to me. The Republicans jumped on healthcare and used it to take over the house in the mid-term elections. Yet I won reelection. Barack can get reelected if he just follows my example. Technorati Tags: Clinton,Obama,Politics,The Wolf Report

Bill and TWR Reporter after interview

TWR: Which is?

89 Dead in Missouri Tornado: Al-Qaeda Claims Credit

In a videotape released to The Wolf Report today, al-Qaeda Terror Networks, NLC, has claimed credit for 89 tornado deaths in Joplin, Missouri on Sunday, and has taken retroactive credit for nearly 400 earlier tornado deaths across the United States.
“This is a rather transparent effort by al-Qaeda’s management to recover their brand and to get their IPO back on track, and will not succeed” said Simon Allen, Terror Network Analyst for The Wolf Report. “Americans are not gullible. They will not believe that al-Qaeda caused these tornados since they are so obviously due to the United States’ tolerance of gays in the military.”
The Al-Qaeda Terror Networks No Liability Corporation (NLC) was formed by Osama bin-Laden in 2002 and was headed for an Initial Public Offering as reported in The Wolf Report in 2008. A series of setbacks, most recently the death of their CEO, Osama bin-Laden, has repeatedly pushed back the IPO date.
Al-Qaeda Terror Networks is the exclusive licensing agent for al-Qaeda franchises, promotes the al-Qaeda brand, arranges Osama bin-Laden endorsements, and and develops a growing portfolio of al-Qaeda products. Until recently its corporate headquarters were in Abottabad, Pakistan.
Following the lead of the United States Government, The Wolf Report has decided not to release the videotape, and has instead tossed it into the ocean “somewhere off the coast of New Jersey.”

Wolf Report Expert Predicts No Rapture Today

"There will be no Rapture, today" predicted The Wolf Report's expert Rapturologist, Dr. Herman Eutics. "I've studied all the Biblical references, and spent several months carefully analyzing Harold Camping's widely cited prediction that the Rapture will occur at 6:00 PM local time today, May 21, 2011. I can say with certainty that the Rapture will not occur today. Nor will it occur later in the month. I haven't yet ruled out June, but it's likely there will be no Rapture then, either."
 
"Dr Eutics has an unparalleled record for Rapture predictions," said Michael Wolf, Founder, Publisher and Editor-In-Chief of The Wolf Report. "He's been analyzing Rapture signs since January 1, 1992 and has successfully predicted "no Rapture" for 7080 consecutive days. We're proud to have him on our staff."


About Herman Eutics: Dr. Eutics joined The Wolf Report two years ago, when Camping's predictions began to gain the attention of the media. Eutics holds a PhD in Rapturology from Specious University. He is webmaster for the web site norapturetoday.com.

New Deal on Debt in Final Negotation

The bipartisan committee to manage the national debt is close to a deal that insiders say will solve the country's fiscal problems, The Wolf Report has learned. The deal, which has been under negotiation for nearly two years, will be announced as soon as the terms are finalized, possibly as soon as August.

Under the proposed arrangement, in addition to giving money to children who place lost teeth under their pillows, the Tooth Fairy will deposit funds in a special account to be managed by the Federal Reserve. Payments to children will continue in the traditional range: from ten cents to $5.00, depending on the wealth of the child's parents. Payments will  be adjusted annually for inflation using a formula based on the Consumer Price Index for dental services. Payments to the government will be between $1,000 per tooth--the Tooth Fairy's latest offer--and $2,000 per tooth--the government's proposed rate. The two sides are reported close to agreement on a final figure.

The Office of Management and Budget, a non-partisan oversight group, has estimated the impact of the Tooth Fairy plan, using the more conservative number. The OMB reckons that if the nation's children lose 10 million teeth per year, the government would receive $10 billion in Tooth Fairy money. With the national debt currently estimated at $13.9 trillion dollars, Tooth Fairy revenues would pay off the entire debt in just 1,390 years.

One proposal, which source say is "under serious consideration" by the Tooth Fairy would give the United States credit for the lost teeth of children in any country that receives more than $1 Billion in US aid in that year. According to sources, if this proposal is accepted, then Tooth Fairy money might pay off the debt in as few as 820 years.

Google Announces 'Google Senior Search'

Google has released a Beta version of Google Senior Search, a new software service coupled with an implantable medical device that can  index a human brain, search its contents, and deliver results by direct neural stimulation.

"Google Senior Search gives seniors full and immediate access to their remaining memories, dreams, thoughts, and ideas," said Ivan Teller, product manager for Google Senior Search. "And with built-in wireless access and integration with Google Desktop and Web Search, seniors can feel as though they can remember what's on their computers and on more than a trillion web pages whenever they are within range of a compatible WiFi network"

Seniors start Google Senior Search by saying the word "Google" then speaking their query. Google Senior Search  displays new search results as each time the senior says "Googling..Googling...Googling..."  A quick forehead slap clears search results.

"Google Senior Search not only retrieves information," said Teller, "it also uploads and analyzes neural data so we can deliver targeted advertisements directly to seniors' brains. Neural data will be kept on Google servers so that seniors can retrieve memories well into senility."

"Google Senior Search will give new meaning to the term 'senior moment,'" predicted Teller. 

Click the link to see Google Senior Search in action.