Fan Reveals God's Deal: Snow for Super Bowl Win

Deal with fan gives Pats Super Bowl
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The snowstorms that have been rocking New England are the result of the deal that a New England Patriots fan says he made with God: the Pats win the Super Bowl and God gets to dump an undisclosed, but very large, amount of snow on New England.

"I don't know why the fuck God would want to make a deal like that," said the fan, "but I'm not going to question God's ways. Not with the fucking Super Bowl on the line."

According to the fan, he first heard what was later identified as God's voice right after Tom Brady threw the go-ahead touchdown. "I shout out 'Oh my God! We're going to win!' " he said. "And then I hear this voice in my head and it goes: 'You win only if I say you win."

"And I'm like: 'Who the fuck are you?' And that's when the voice goes: 'I am God.' And then it goes 'Remember the head catch!'

"And I'm scared, partly because I've got a voice talking in my head and partly because I'm looking at the picture that's burned into my brain of David Tyree, a Giants player who nobody ever fucking heard of before or since the '94 Super Bowl, killing the Pats by catching the ball against his head in the last minute of the game. And against Rodney Harrison. How is that fucking possible?

"And the voice goes: 'With God and the Super Bowl, all things are possible.'

"And I go: 'What do you want?' And the voice goes: 'Make me an offer.'

"So I'm really freaked out but I do what any Pats fan would do: I offer my first born son.

"But the voice says, no. It says that it's got too many first born sons to even count. Which is lucky, because I really love my kid. But you know, it is the Super Bowl. And he's a Pats fan, so he'd have understood.

"I'm trying to figure out what I can offer, and the voice keeps telling me what's going to happen on the next play, and keeps calling them exactly, and making demands, and then we're back and forth negotiating, and I find out I'm negotiating against some goddamn Seattle fan, and I end up offering to have God dump a ridiculous shitload of snow if the Pats win, and the voice says 'Done!' and Malcolm Butler intercepts and it's over!

"We win!!!

"To anyone who's not a Pats fan, and has to suffer through the snow and doesn't give a shit who won the Super Bowl, I did the best I could.

"I'm sorry, but God drives a hard bargain.

"To all the rest of you: Go Pats!"

The NFL is investigating supernatural Super Bowl intervention

Another NFL investigation begins (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

After finding a Pete Carroll doll with a pin in its head in the New England Patriots locker room, the NFL has launched an investigation to determine whether the practice violated league rules. The pin was placed in the part of the brain that experts say is used to make play calling decisions. It may explain Carroll's decision to call the play that led to rookie Malcolm Butler's last minute, game-saving interception.

Nearly 30% of Americans believe that God has a hand in determining the winners of football games. and NFL rules do not forbid players, coaches, or fans from praying for supernatural intervention. "Praying," said one league official , "is encouraged, though not required. We believe that everyone, including atheists, should enjoy our games."

Many games have been won by 'miracle' plays. Some believe that this is the result of prayer. Others believe that God just likes to show off on Sundays.

The doll found in the Patriots locker room raises questions about other kinds of supernatural intervention in football. "Look at [New England Quarterback Tom]  Brady," said one fan. "The guy is 37 and he looks younger than quarterbacks who are half his age. It's obvious that someone's made some kind of deal to get him eternal youth."

An earlier investigation into David Tyree's 'head catch' in the 2008 Super Bowl turned up inconclusive evidence that New York Giants' coach Tom Coughlin had sacrificed chickens and goats to get the win. "There was a lot of animal blood in the Giants' locker room after the game," said an official who was involved in the investigation, "but that's pretty common after games, and wasn't enough to prove anything."

Seperately the NFL is investigating whether or not Patriots Coach Bill Belichick has a soul.

Satan, who is rumored to make deals for eternal youth in exchange for souls, was unavailable for comment.