Courts to Rule On Corporate Marriage

Based on recent Supreme Court decisions that have affirmed that corporations are persons, that they have the First Amendment right to free speech, and can have religious beliefs, a class action lawsuit has been filed to permit marriage between corporate and natural persons.

"State laws that do not permit corporations to marry are unfair, discriminatory, and unconstitutional," said Lester LaPointe, of the law firm Lapointe, Lagrange, Leblanc, and Laplace, which has filed the class action suit in Federal Court.

"While any corporation, and any individual who wants to marry a corporation can join the suit," said LaPointe, "we have decided to restrict class of corporations to include only those that have declared sincere feelings of love through a corporate resolution, properly framed and passed in accordance with the corporation's by-laws."

Corporations can be profit-making or non-profit, allowing people to marry their unions, colleges, or churches.

"I love Apple, and so do all of our members," said a spokesperson for the International Association of Apple Fanboys. "More than 95% of our members will marry Apple as soon as the company passes its resolution."

Obama and Ryan to meet Putin

In an act intended to demonstrate both American strength and bipartisan unity United States President Barack Obama and Representative Paul Ryan will meet with Russian President Vladimir Putin to discuss Crimea, the Ukraine, and P90X.

"At last Obama is doing something sensible," said House Speaker John Boehner. "We need to show Putin that we are both united and strong."

According to diplomatic sources, Putin agreed to the meeting only after German Chancellor Angela Merkel threatened release pictures of herself fishing and riding horseback, shirtless, if he did not.