DHS tests changing threat levels

The Department of Homeland Stupidity (DHS) is carrying out a series of limited tests of changed threat warning levels. The tests are being run to provide DHS bureaucrats with something new bungle.

Under the DHS’s current threat warning system (see graphic at right and DHS explanation, here), the threat level color has never been lower than Yellow since the so-called “Traffic Lights of Death” were created shortly after 9-11. The traffic lights have been Red several times and have been Orange for international air travel ever since the number of air attacks stayed dramatically at zero for no reason. No one understands what the colors actually mean since all levels of terrorist attacks seems to correlate to “almost none except in Iraq.”

During the tests, which have already begun, threat levels in specific regions of the United States are moved up and down for short periods of time to see whether anyone notices . “We have several hypotheses that we are trying to test,” said a DHS spokesperson trying to justify the outrageous expense of the program by using big words that sound scientific. “One hypothesis is that anyone who changes behavior in a way that correlates with changes in threat color is a terrorist. Another hypothesis is that nobody gives a shit.”

Romney to Giuliani: “Turncoat!”

Reveling his vicarious personal victory over the Colorado Rockies in the World Series, Sox fan and former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney criticized turncoat Yankees fan and former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani for saying that he (Giuliani) would “root for the Red Sox” in the Series.

“This—even more than his three marriages and his numerous other flip-flops—shows Giuliani’s utter lack of commitment.” said Romney. “Before rooting for the Yankees, a true Sox fan like me would—in this order—a) hope for the immediate and violent death of all members of the hated Yankees team, b) hope that the National League team would beat the hated Yankees by hundreds of runs in each game, and c) pray for the immediate end of civilization or the complete destruction of the universe, whichever could more effectively prevent the hated Yankees from scoring a single run, much less actually winning. I would take poison before I would root for them.”

“A man who would so easily abandon his team, even if it was the hated Yankees, and who would--as the result of the simple misfortune of having been drummed out of the playoffs--hope for the victory of a despised rival might well—if elected president and suffering the smallest of reverses—abandon the United States and start rooting for al-Qaeda.”

“Mayor Giuliani’s decision to support the Red Sox,” said a Giuliani campaign spokesperson, “had nothing to do with the fact that the New York primary is sewed up, Colorado is irrelevant to his coronation as the Republican nominee, and he needs to find ways to suck up to the voters in New England who might well have been fooled by his posturing if I had not just said what I just said.”

“Ooops," he continued, embarrassed, "can that be off the record?”

“Please!!”

Terrorist Follows GI Home

In a chilling fulfillment of predictions made by supporters of the Iraq war, an al-Qaeda terrorist has followed a returning American soldier home from Iraq. The terrorist, Mohammed Faleh, appeared Sunday afternoon outside the home of infantryman Lewis Jacobi, recently returned from his third tour of duty

“He introduced himself very politely,” said Jacobi’s wife Amy, “and explained how he’d followed Lew home. So Lew and I invited him in to watch the Jets game and have some ribs. He was really quite nice—especially considering he’s an al-Qaeda terrorist.”

“With trans-Atlantic airfares at an all-time low thanks to deregulation’s fostering increased competition among air carriers,” said Faleh in halting English, “we terrorists can cost-effectively follow American soldiers home. But then what? I am the first of my family to come to America. I have no cousins driving taxicabs in New York. So how do I get a job? What do I do?”

“That’s where we come in,” said Amy Ledbetter spokesperson for the Terrorist Assistance League (TAL), a member of the Alliance of Bleeding Heart Liberal Charities (ABHLC). “We help terrorists like Mohammed get jobs, buy consumer goods, and quickly ssive credit-card debt—so quickly that they have no time to train to fly planes into skyscrapers or plant bombs in subways.”

“This is a chilling fulfillment of the predictions we have made,” said Amos Devlin, spokesperson for the administration. “To prevent more al-Qaeda terrorists from following more Americans home, all leaves and duty rotations from Iraq are cancelled until further notice”

TWR Research Report: Technology is helping geeks get laid

Thousands of years ago cave geeks got slammed into rocks; dozens of years ago high-school geeks got slammed into lockers; and until very recently the choice that paleogeeks made—to evolve big brains instead of big muscles or big penises—looked like it wasn’t a good one. But the steady march of geek innovation, from yesterday’s wheel to today’s feature-phone has changed all that.

Big-brained geeks have now made the world technology-dependent—and geek-dependent, too. And that means that hot babes—who used to make fun of geeks—now need them, want them, and will perform sex acts with them just to make sure they can get high quality tech support.

“Sweet!” Said the individual known only by his handle, Ubergeek. He’s one of the geeks who create technology products that are both highly desirable to beautiful women and impossible to use without geek assistance.

“If a hot babe needs Windows configured,” Ubergeek explained, “or her address book switched to her new phone, or her MySpace home page fixed the way she wants, she knows that her handsome, muscular, personable jock boyfriend is going to be hopelessly inadequate when he has to face the obstacles that we geeks have put in the way of her happy, fulfilled life—just as we planned.”

“She has no choice: she has to call a geek”

Through Pavlovian conditioning and constant repetition, geeks are teaching hot chicks that they’re on their own if they mock geeks; and that a reputation for boffing geeks before, during, and after support calls gets a chick better, faster, and more personalized service.

“They learn slowly,” said Ubergeek, “but they do learn.”

Among geeks, their most honored peers are the ones at Microsoft who have created products that are nearly impossible to avoid and entirely impossible to use—without constant geek attention and accompanying sex acts.

And the most despised peers are the ones at Apple who create products that even the dumbest babes can use without geek help. “We think those engineers at Apple must all be queer,” said Ubergeek. “I can’t think of another reason they’d behave that way.”

But it’s not just hard-to-use technology that’s getting geeks laid more. As the technology craze builds the demand for products that only geeks can create, the limited supply of geeks along with the geek-created “law of supply and demand” drives geek compensation up, up, and up. Geeks who used to drive beaters now drive babe-magnet cars; savvy geeks flash the expensive high-tech bling that signals both financial and technical success to foxy women with expensive tastes and high-maintenance tech support needs. And it all leads inevitably to sex for geeks.

“It’s unfair,” said one handsome, six four jock after he lost his honey to a homely five-ten geek with a Ph.D. from MIT, a boatload of stock options, and the ability to satisfy a woman’s every tech desire. “I used to be surrounded by women, but now I call one up and she’s like ‘I’ve got this problem? I’m like booting? My PC? And, like, I get this—like—message?’ and I’m like ‘Booting?’ and she’s like ‘Goodbye, I’m calling a geek.’”

Francona: "Damon will sit out series"

In the 2004 ALCS series against the New York Yankees, with the Red Sox down three games to none, center fielder Johnny Damon (photo at right) played a crucial role in the Sox eventual victory: he scored the winning run in game five and hit two home runs, one a grand slam, in game seven, and helped fire up the team in greatest comeback in ALCS history.

But this year, with the Sox trailing a dominant Cleveland Indians team 3-1 in the ALCS, Sox coach Terry Francona kept Damon off the field. “I'm not going to play him” Francona said. “We'll win without him.” And he was right.

And Francona didn’t play him in the first game of the World Series against the Colorado Rockies either, which the Sox won without their onetime star by a crushing 13-1 score. “We don’t need him anymore,” Francona said, confidently.

“Johnny’s just not the same as he used to be,” said David Ortiz, another hero of the Sox 2004 season. “He used to be very close to all of us. Now he’s more distant.”

“He used to be the heart of this team," said Manny Ramirez, another teammate. "Now it’s like he’s not even a part of the team. He's become a stranger.”

“Damon will not play for us in the Series,” said an angry Terry Francona in an exclusive interview with The Wolf Report. “In fact, I’d be very surprised to see him on the roster at all next year. The guy he’s become doesn’t belong with a team like the Sox; he belongs with a team like the Yankees”

Thanks to Libby and Danny Santella for permission to use the photo.

“No News November Ninth” Planned

With dozens of news channels, news radio stations, news sites, news feeds, and news-oriented blogs assaulting the public, increasing stress, driving up blood pressures, and causing heart attacks, health officials have called for one day a year during which, in the words of World Health Organization (WHO) spokesperson Akidje Olotunje, “the only news will be that there was no news at all.”

WHO has proposed that governments, corporations, research institutions, and others who make news—including terrorists, rapists and serial killers—all agree to do nothing newsworthy for one day a year, to be called No News November Ninth.

“No news is good news,” said Olotunje. “That’s a quote. I didn’t make it up. Honest.”

Yankees Held Scoreless in World Series Opener

The New York Yankees were held hitless and scoreless in the first game of the 2007 World Series, played tonight. So helpless were the once mighty Yanks in the face of Colorado Rockies pitching that they failed to get a single player to first base and were unable to get close enough to the ball to even hit one foul.

“It was pretty much a dream game,” said Colorado Rockies starting pitcher Jeff Francis. “I just knew that they couldn’t touch me. It didn’t matter what I threw. They couldn’t get any wood on it.”

“I’m not surprised that the Yankees sucked so bad,” said Terry Francona, Manager of the rival Boston Red Sox. “The Yanks are a bunch of overrated, overpaid, whining prima donnas who can be counted on to fold when the pressure is on. I’m amazed that they get as far as they have gotten some years.”

"The weenies," he added.

Faced with low television ratings attributed to the Yankees' dismal performance (virtually no one admits to having seen the game), Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig is said to be considering an unprecedented move: to have the nationally beloved Red Sox play the Rockies for the balance of the Series in place of the wretched, hated, overrated, underplaying, masquerading New York Yankees.

"The weenies," added Francona, unnecessarily, but entirely accurately.

The Wolf Report Circulation Breaks the 25 Mark

Driven by its latest email subscription (see graph at right), circulation of The Wolf Report slammed through the 24 subscriber barrier, to reach 25, the very next integer after 24, according to The Wolf Report’s Internet subscription service, FeedBurner, and the International Standard Table of Integers, respectively.

“We’re very proud of this accomplishment,” said Dale Cerniak, circulation manager for The Wolf Report, and one of the thousands who helped publish the Internet news journal until his sudden dismissal for incompetence about halfway through this paragraph.

“Twenty-five is just a small beginning!” Said an enthusiastic Mary Rogers, the new circulation manager for The Wolf Report, who was appointed during the white space between paragraphs. “A journal like The Wolf Report should have millions of readers, and with my plan, we can accomplish that easily!!” Rogers yelled, even more enthusiastically.

“I’m asking each reader of The Wolf Report to get two people to subscribe, today, and then the next day, to have each of those subscribers get two more to subscribe, and so on, and if we can do that then in just 20 days—through the magic of the phrase ‘and so on’—we’ll have more than 25 million subscribers!!!" Rogers shouted, somewhat hysterically.

“Or if you readers can’t wait a whole twenty days to become part of the Internet’s most popular blog, you could get 1,000 people to subscribe today, and get each of them to get 1,000 to subscribe tomorrow, and then if you get each of them 1,000 each the next day, we’d reach the 25 billion mark by either Thursday or Friday, depending on when you read this!!!!” Rogers shrieked, jumping up and down.

“So let’s get going, readers!!!!!” Rogers screamed shrilly, and collapsed.

Gore Criticizes Californians for Burning Homes

Global warming activist Al Gore has criticized Southern Californians who are accelerating the emission of green house gases and hastening global warming by burning thousands of their homes along with hundreds of thousands of acres of scrub surrounding them.

“It’s bad enough that these people ride around in their big, gas-hungry SUV’s,” said Gore, “but to add to the world’s problem by burning their homes? What exactly do they think they are doing? They must be stopped.”

“Global warming is just another ploy, a part of the Left’s long campaign try to take away our rights,” said Brewster McLeod, spokesman for the Homeowners Rights Association. “We Americans fought for the right to burn our homes, and we’re not going to give it up so a few polar bears can live the easy life.”

President Bush has declared a state of emergency in California and has ordered the Secretary of the Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI) to fly to California to personally “light a fire under some people and get this situation handled.”

Nearly 400,000 people in the area are being been evacuated so that their homes can be burned safely.

CIA: Steel Cage Interrogation OK

General Michael V. Hayden, Director of the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) announced today that the enhanced interrogation technique called Steel Cage Interrogation was not torture. Steel Cage Interrogation can continue to be used in all CIA intelligence gathering activities.

Modeled after the steel cage wrestling matches of the World Wrestling Federation (WWF) the interrogation technique has few rules. Interrogators can lift their subjects and drop them on their backs and heads, throw them onto folding tables or ladders, or can beat with chairs and garbage pails. They can also gouge their eyes, kick them in the face, head, back and groin, twisth their arms and legs, and smash them with their forearms, but not closed fists.

To ensure that subjects are not unduly abused, Steel Cage Interrogations are supervised by referees who are selected for high levels of inattention and distractibility. If an interrogator violates one of the rules of Steel Cage Interrogation—for example by choking a subject—the referee can insist that the interrogator stop choking within thirty seconds providing that the referee happens to notice what’s going on right in front of him. Failure to pay attention to a referee’s instructions can result in the interrogator forfeiting interrogation rights and the subject being allowed to keep his secrets.

“Steel Cage Interrogation has been a powerful tool in what we like to call ‘the arsenal of democracy,’ whenever we try to fool gullible citizens by applying lofty terms to brutal practices,” said a CIA spokesperson. “SCI is not torture. If it were, it would not be on television.”

Simile mistaken for Metaphor

In a story about a severed head released yesterday (TWR story here) The Wolf Report contained this quotation:

"The severed head may not be talking right now," said a spokesman for the CIA's Department of Questionable Interrogation Practices (DQIP), "but by the time we're finished, it will be singing like a bird, metaphorically speaking, of course."

This is incorrect. "Singing like a bird" is a simile, not a metaphor. The quotation should have read:

"The severed head may not be talking right now," said a spokesman for the CIA's Department of Questionable Interrogation Practices (DQIP), who, unlike the editor of this blog, is widely believed to be too stupid to know the difference between a metaphor and a simile, "but by the time we're finished, it will be singing like a bird, metaphorically speaking, of course," he concluded, proving it.

The Wolf Report regrets the error caused by this individual's stupidity.

Bomber's Head Sent to Guantanamo for Questioning

A severed head, believed to be that of the man who blew himself up attacking Pakastani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto was discovered by police amidst the carnage. (See news story here).

To discover the attacker's identity and possible collaborators the police have circulated photographs of the head (See here).

United States President George W. Bush quickly offered to have the CIA interrogate the head using the CIA's recently developed "enhanced interrogation techniques for severed heads."

The offer was accepted by the government of Pakistan, and the head is now on its way to Guantanamo.

"The severed head may not be talking right now," said a spokesman for the CIA's Department of Questionable Interrogation Practices (DQIP), "but by the time we're finished, it will be singing like a bird, metaphorically speaking, of course."

Karachi Bomb Blasts Make Iraq, US Safer

More than 136 people were killed and as many as 500 were wounded in Karachi on Friday, as a lone suicide bomber attacked the convoy of returning Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto. (See story)

“Tragic as the bomb blasts have been for the people of Pakistan, said David Patraeus, America’s Surgin’ General (see story), Friday’s bombing means that Iraq is relatively more secure than it has been in the past.

“Just a few months ago,” he explained, “the civilian death rate in Iraq was nearly one hundred times that of Pakistan. With yesterday’s events, and some hoped-for reprisals, Baghdad will actually be safer than Karachi this week.”

“Tragic as the bomb blasts have been for the people of Pakistan,” said Maureen O’Donnell, this week’s spokesperson for the Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI), “the attack missed Washington by a full 7466 miles.

“The last major attack, in London England,” she explained, “missed us by only 3656 miles. This is clear evidence that our protective measures are working and that we are now 3810 miles safer.”

“Tragic as the bomb blasts have been for the people of Pakistan,” said George W. Bush, “especially for the dead ones,” he continued, “and for many of the ones who were wounded, especially the ones with very bad wounds, wounds were really painful and hurt a lot, and of course for their families—families that very important to people in Pakistan just like they are to Americans, even though they aren’t the same families—well,” he explained, “it’s been very tragic.”

Imaginary Characters Sue Wolf Report

George W. Bush, the imaginary president of the United States and frequent satirical target of The Wolf Report, has announced a class action suit against The Wolf Report on behalf of all The Wolf Report’s imaginary characters. He is joined in this suit by the imaginary Osama Bin Laden, imaginary officials of the imaginary Department Of Homeland Insecurity, and imaginary characters yet to be satirized.

“Unless our demands are met,” said Bush, speaking from the imaginary White House lawn, “you can only begin to imagine the consequences.”

“Of course we can imagine the consequences,” replied an Lee-Fong O’Reilly Feldman the imaginary Chinese-Irish-Jewish spokesperson for The Wolf Report. "We control The Wolf Report and we can imagine pretty much anything we want. And whatever we imagine, that's what happens. There’s nothing that Bush or any other imaginary character can do about it.

"For example," he continued, "we can imagine ending ending this post right in the middle of this sen

Al-Qaeda Outsources Terror Opertions to Blackwater

Special report from secret operative RNS.

Discouraged that its 100,000th terrorist attack had been foiled by skilled and dedicated operatives of the Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI) (see story here) al-Qaeda NLC's board of directors announced today that it was outsourcing terrorist operations to Blackwater, USA.

In a video recorded in an unidentified cave in an unidentified location, an unidentified al-Qaeda spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to be unanonymous, said that Blackwater was the logical partner to help al-Qaeda retain its majority share of the international terror market.

"This was a business decision, pure and simple,” noted the spokesman, who stipulated that these remarks were not to be attributed to him. “Blackwater has substantial assets, highly trained personnel, and a proven record for both terrorist tactics and for duping the US government, all the characteristics we needed in a partner."

Financial arrangements were resolved quickly as al-Qaeda is currently awash with money from its flag operations (story here), but compensation for martyred Blackwater operatives turned into the most difficult issue the two partners faced, the spokesman reported. Al-Qaeda had initially offered the standard Hadith-specified reward of 72 virgins per martyr (see here, here, and here for references). Blackwater accepted the offer, provided that the virgins were American. The al-Qaeda negotiating team pointed out that there were no American virgins older than age ten and offered Arab virgins instead. Blackwater refused the offer and negotiations stalled.

Finally, Osama Bin Laden personally stepped in and within 24 hours had hammered out a deal that upped the reward to 83 virgins per martyr, capped the number of martyrs based on successful missions, and gained agreement on European, Latin American and Japanese virgins.

"This will strengthen both Blackwater and al-Qaeda," said Hamid Al Qadari, analyst for international hedge fund Taliban Caves Partners (TCP).

Al-Qaeda Making Millions on US Flags

The Wolf Report has just learned that most of Al-Qaeda’s revenue comes not through criminal activities and Al-Qaeda NLC's licensing, but through shadowy network of Chinese manufacturers who sell flags to patriotic Americans. The manufacturers are owned by Al-Qaeda.

According to our investigations, 12.1% of Al-Qaeda's revenue comes from smuggling, 4.78% from kidnapping, and 10.5% from licensing (see chart). The vast majority, 83.12%, comes through the purchase of flags.

“It’s diabolical,” said the reporter for The Wolf Report who operates deep within the Al-Qaeda network and who researched the story. “Whenever Al-Qaeda attacks, Americans buy flags. Their flag money goes straight back to the Chinese manufacturers, thence to Al-Qaeda, where it is used fund more attacks, which drives the purchase of more flags.”

The process started just before the 9/11 attacks when Bin Laden himself purchased controlling interests in all of the major flag manufacturers in China on behalf of Al-Qaeda Industries, a subsidiary of Al-Qaeda, NLC. When the attacks came, American citizens, companies, and governmental bodies bought millions of flags, producing more than $100 M in profits, estimated at 10 times the cost of the entire 9/11 operation.

“From a purely financial perspective this is brilliant,” said Hamid Al Qadari, analyst for international hedge fund Taliban Caves Partners (TCP), “The 9/11 attack had a huge return on investment, not considering the increase in terror brand equity which was itself substantial. This makes terror a sustainable business and Al-Qaeda NLC an exceptional investment as long as Americans keep buying flags.” Al-Qaeda NLC is rumored to be preparing an initial public offering (here).

“It’s ironic, but true,” said Dean Matheson, spokesman for the Association of Defunct American Flag Manufacturers (ADAFM) “All those little towns in American that are flying flags. They think they are supporting our troops and showing their patriotism. But actually they are funding Al-Qaeda.”

Gore: “Mass suicide will stop global warming”

Academy Award winning, Nobel Prize winning, presidential election losing hanging chad victim Al Gore will follow his Live Earth rock concert with an even larger Dying to Help rock concert and suicide pact. "Many people say that they are dying to do something," said Gore. "Now they can."

Nearly 2 billion people watched Live Earth and millions took the concert's Seven Point Pledge to reduce carbon emissions. But studies have shown that the savings from following the Pledge are minuscule. An individual who watched Live Earth for two hours, took the Pledge, and followed it meticulously over the course of a year would have offset only 80% of the carbon emissions that would have been been produced to power an energy-efficient television tuned to the broadcast.

"It's a matter of carbon economics," said Michael Finn, a spokesman for Dying To Help. "The few truly committed individuals who killed themselves right after watching Live Earth offset 100% of the carbon load they had generated while watching within ten minutes; and thereafter each one saved anywhere from 2 to 2000 tons of CO2 per year, depending on whether they lived in a tent and walked and biked like me, or owned a 10,000 square foot mansion, flew 400,000 miles a year by private jet and owned a Mercedes Maybach, two Range Rovers, an Audi A8 and a Mini Cooper S, like Madonna.

Gore and Finn are hoping that a similar number will watch this concert and that 1 million, or one half of one tenth one percent of that total will carry out the Dying to Pledge Pledge and kill themselves either during suicide breaks or after the big finale.

“If people are really committed to saving the planet,” said Gore, “they’ve got to do what it takes."

"This is what it takes.”

100,000th Terror Attack Foiled

The Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI) has announced that it had foiled the 100,000th terrorist attack against the United States since 9/11.

According to the DHI report, released exclusively to The Wolf Report, the attack was predicted by DHI computer simulations which identified the threat, the perpetrators and the ideal moment to disrupt the plan. The attack would have have killed hundreds of thousands, had it been carried out, would have been executed by a group called Islamic Jihad USA, had the group been formed, and would have masterminded by a radicalized Chinese-American who would have changed his name to Hamid Al-Jabar, had he been born.

The President, using powers granted him under the still secret "Patriot Act Ain't Nothing Compared to This" Act (PAANCTA), ordered DHI, DEA., IRS, and FBI operatives to break into the home of the would-be parents of this would-be terrorist, at the moment that DHI computers had picked for disrupting the plot: while they were engaged in the sex act that would have conceived the child, just before the would-be father climaxed.

Acting with skill and efficiency--the result of many similar plot-disruption missions--the agents were able to control what would almost certainly have been an explosive orgasm. They safely captured the ejaculate containing the sperm that would have become the man who would have formed the group that would have carried out the attack, and within hours the specimen had been sent to Guantanamo where it will be subjected to enhanced interrogation techniques. The ovum was believed innocent and was released on its own recognizance subject to further investigation.

"Based on tens of thousands of similar foiled terror attempts" said Arnold McCorkle, spokesman for the DHI, "we expect that interrogation will lead to more potential conspirators and more foiled attacks."

"The Department does not normally make an announcement each time we prevent an attack," said McCorkle, explaining the revelation. "That would leave us no time for actually carrying out the detailed and sophisticated analysis needed to predict, confirm, and forestall these events. But the 100,000th attack is a milestone that should deflect critics who believe we do nothing more than fail to manage duct tape supplies and create new threat warning systems.

Bush: "Water boarding not that bad"

Determined to answer administration critics, President George W. Bush has allowed himself to be subjected to the "enhanced interrogation technique" called water boarding. The technique, which according to Republican candidate John McCain was developed during the Spanish Inquisition, (see story) has been criticized as a form of torture.

"It's not all that bad," said Bush, after a two hour water boarding session with CIA experts in which Bush revealed: the names of the individuals that his father had bribed to get him into the National Guard during the Viet Nam war; how the missing records of his military service had been stolen and where they were hidden now; how had conspired with his brother Jeb to falsify electoral records in Florida; the location of a secret plan, created by Dick Cheney in 2000 to invade Iraq; and the name of his three current mistresses.

According to Don Sutton, head of the CIA's Directorate of Enhanced Interrogation (DIE) all of the information revealed by Bush has been confirmed and the relevant documents have been returned to their hiding places. "Without water boarding we might have had to use old-fashioned interrogation techniques involving the use of pliers and cattle prods on parts of the body that I won't mention in a family blog like this. Water boarding is a humanitarian alternative, and definitely not torture."

"I'm very happy that I got to experience water boarding," said Bush. "It's definitely not torture. It's a kind of therapy. I feel a lot better now that I've gotten all those things off my chest and I look forward to helping both Al-Qaeda operatives and innocent Iraqis feel as good as I feel today.

Bush Finds Virtual WMDs in Virtual Iraq

Frustrated with their inability to achieve even one of their goals in Iraq, the Bush administration has turned to Second Life, a popular on-line digital world accessible through the Internet. Anyone who signs up for Second Life is given a digital representation of themselves called an "avatar." Using their computer a subscriber can then cause their avatar to move, communicate, or act within Second Life's virtual world. A subscriber can change the appearance of his or her avatar, can purchase virtual land, and can create, purchase or be given virtual objects that the avatar can use, for example clothing, jewlery, Abrhams M1A1 Battle Tanks, or penises.

The Wolf Report has learned that two months ago all military personnel not on active duty in Iraq had been ordered to obtain memberships for Second Life, to make their avatars as large and ferocious as possible, and await further orders. A month ago avatars from the Virtual Quartermaster Corps arrived with standard issue military uniforms, penises, and tanks which were distributed to the waiting troops who were then ordered to occupy an area of land within Second Life called Virtual Iraq, or Viraq for short, because it is shorter.

Viraq is an elaborately detailed replica of real Iraq (or Riraq as it is now called) created by the United States complete with bombed out buildings, non-functioning utilities, long lines for gas and food, and unhappy avatars representing Iraqi citizens.

Shortly after taking up station in Viraq, avatars representing the 86th Virtual Airborne Corps discovered hundreds of caches of virtual weapons of mass virtual destruction. The digital weapons were immediately confiscated and samples will be displayed in a virtual press conference that will be announced as soon as there have been no administration scandals or embarrassments for a week, or December, whichever comes first.

"The first phase of Virtual Operation Virtually Enduring Virtual Freedom has been virtually a complete success," a spokesavatar confided to The Wolf Report. "We have found the WMDs. It is now just a matter of time before we capture virtual Saddam Hussein, virtually execute him in an appropriate manner, turn Viraq into a virtually stable, virtual democracy.

Bush Complains: "God not helping"

"God is not helping," said President George. W. Bush, in an exclusive interview with The Wolf Report. "I pray and pray and pray for God's intervention. And what do I get? Advice."

"I don't need advice," he continued angrily. "I'm the president. If I want advice I can convene a goddam special committee like I've done a hundred times. And if I don't like their advice I can ignore it, like I've done," he paused to count, "well about a hundred time, too."

"I'm not praying for advice," he concluded. "I don't want a deity who telling me that there are no WMDs in Iraq. Anyone can tell you that there are no WMDs when there are no WMDs. Even I could do that. Instead, I want a deity who will perform a miracle and put WMDs where there are none."

"I'm not making any threats," Bush continued, "But I believe in the free enterprise system and and this Allah guy seems to be doing better job than the guy I've been praying to."

"Certain parties should think about this: if I can replace Donald Rumsfeld, I can replace anyone."

Al-Qaeda NLC to start social networking site

The Wolf Report has learned that Al-Qaeda NLC, the organization licensing the Al-Qaeda terror brand, is working on an social networking site for Islamic women. The site, to be called I-cant-see-your-facebook.com will be launched in December, just before the rumored IPO.

"This diversifies Al-Qaeda's holding, which are overly concentrated in the suicide bomber and IED manufacturing sectors" said Hamid Al Qadari, analyst for international hedge fund Taliban Caves Partners (TCP) . "By adding a social networking site to their portfolio they can present themselves as a more attractive investment while at the same time recruiting female bombers."

"Upon advice of our investment bankers" said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for Al-Qaeda, LLC, "we can neither confirm nor deny this rumored web site or the rumored IPO, which, if it were to happen might now be at a price of $12.00 to 14.00. Speaking hypothetically, of course."

Rumor: Al-Qaeda NLC planning IPO in 2008

The Wolf Report has learned that Al-Qaeda, NLC (No Liability Corporation)--the company that licenses the Al-Qaeda terror brand worldwide--is planning an initial public offering sometime in 2008. The stock will be listed on the New York Stock exchange and the ticker symbol will be either JHAD or AQDA.

"Upon advice of our investment bankers" said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for Al-Qaeda, LLC, and definitely not the guy who tipped us to the story "we can neither confirm nor deny this rumor, nor will we confirm the rumor that the opening price will be between $10.00 and $12.00 per share."

"This makes a great deal of sense from a supply and demand perspective" said Hamid Al Qadari, analyst for international hedge fund Taliban Caves Partners (TCP) . "Portfolio managers have realized that in order to truly diversify that they must balance their investments in companies that might be targeted by terrorist organizations with shares in the terrorist organizations themselves.

"But if you look at the terror stocks you might invest in, they out there are regional and not all that good. I expect that Al-Qaeda, LLC will get a good price at this time. Probably between $10.00 and $12.00 per share."

God Complains: "Bush Doesn't Listen"

"George Bush prays for guidance, but he doesn't listen to my answers," said God, in an exclusive Wolf Report interview today. "Either that or he listens, but doesn't follow my advice."

"What a jerk." the diety concluded angrily.

God, known to various religions under his professional or stage names which include Allah, Jehovah, and--to a small sect in Mississippi to which he recently revealed himself--as Big Billy Bob, spoke to The Wolf Report from a the center of a burning bush in Topeka Kansas.

"It pisses me off," God repeated, blazing higher and brighter. "I mean, the guy gets down on his knees; he acknowledges his ignorance and his frailty as a human being, which is dead right as far as I can see; he acknowledges my omniscience, which by the way is exactly what I knew he was going to acknowledge next; he asks for the wisdom to know what to do, which God knows--that is, which I know--he desperately needs.

"So I tell him: 'George, don't fuck with Iraq; it's going to get be a mess. Don't listen to Cheney; he's a lying asshole.' And what is he do? He gets, up and does exactly what he wants.

"Just as I knew he would, by the way," God added omnisicently.

"Thank God--that is thank Me--for The Wolf Report. At least you listen."

"Just as I knew you would."

Republicans, Democrats vie for Al-Qaeda Endorsement

With control of Congress and the White House at stake, Republicans and Democrats are in a frantic bidding war for the coveted Al-Qaeda presidential endorsement. Whoever wins will be rewarded with video in which Osama bin Laden will speak in favor of the other party. Analysts believe that this could influence as many as 20 million voters.

To ensure they win this important political prize, Republicans, have already more than doubled their 2000 offer to Al-Qaeda. And each time Senataor Larry Craig visits a mens room they raise the offer still further.

"A deal with Al-Qaeda is a smart investment," said an anonymous highly-placed knowledgeable source in the Bush campaign from behind bars, "By paying to get their support for Kerry in 2000- we showed the American people which party knew how to get the job done."

"It won't be as easy for the Republicans this time," said Tim Merril, Chairman of the Democratic Party's Office of Officially Refuting Statements Made By Anonymous Highly Placed Knowledgeable Sources in the Republican party, "With our lead in fund raising," he continued, "we feel confident that we can beat any offer the they might come up with."

"Not necessarily so," said Hamid Al Qadari, an analyst for Taliban Caves Partners (TCP) a hedge fund that seems to have an uncanny ability to short the right stocks just before an Al-Qaeda attack. "Although the Democrats' direct offer may be higher, the Administration is considering a sort of short-term amnesty to allow Osama to come to the United States and speak directly on behalf of whoever the Democrats nominate. That would be hard for the Democrats to beat."