Fastest Growing Religion: Ventriloquism

The world's fastest growing religion is not Islam, Christianity, Catholicism, Hinduism, or Buddhism. It's a strange new religion called Ventriloquism. Its adherents, called Ventriloquists, believe they can to give life and voice to dolls, dummies, and other inanimate objects. Ventriloquists even put on public demonstrations to show they can do it.

"Ventriloquism is growing rapidly for two reasons," says Edna DeFay, spokesperson for high-profile Ventriloquist, Jeff Dunham, who some call the Tom Cruise of Ventriloquism. "First, we are non-denominational. You don't have to abandon your current religion to become a Ventriloquist. You can be a Catholic and a Ventriloquist, or a Jew and a Ventriloquist. There are many Muslims who are Ventriloquists, and there is a growing number of atheists who are Ventriloquists."

"Second," she continued, "Ventriloquism is growing because unlike most other religions, we don't rely on faith. If you want to decide whether Ventriloquists can do what we claim, we can show you a Ventriloquist bringing something to life."

But there's a catch. While most religions hold open, free services, Ventriloquists hold events for which they charge each seeker as much as $100; a high price to see Ventriloquism being practiced.

But some say it's worth it. "Ventriloquism is a fascinating religion," says Israel Cohen, an Orthodox Jew who says that some of  his best friends are Ventriloquists. "Whenever there's a Ventriloquist in town, I'll always pay to see him. Who knows," he shrugs, "some day I might convert."

Walmart Wins Contracts for New Fighter, Tank, Aircraft Carrier

Image via WikipediaIn an effort to trim the cost of military hardware, the Department of Defense has awarded contracts for the Air Force's next generation fighter jet, the Army's next generation tank, and the Navy's next generation aircraft carrier to Walmart, the retail giant headquartered in Bentonville, Arkansas.

"Walmart won the competition not just on the basis of its prices, which were more than 30% less
than their nearest competitor'ss," said Roger Dubner, a procurement officer for the Department of Defense, "but also because of its quality guarantees, and service commitment. Walmart will take back any fighter, tank, or carrier that any pilot, tank commander, caption or crew member finds defective, and provide the government with for a full refund, with no questions asked. And with stores in more than 55 countries, Walmart can provide faster and lower cost repairs than any of its competitors, anywhere in the world."
Image via Wikipedia

"We at Walmart our proud that we can help the United States Government 'save money and live better', said Duane Revetnik, spokesman for Walmart. "And we hope that our ability to provide quality weapons at a low price will lead to more defense contracts with the United States government, and with governments of other countries that are looking for more affordable ways to wage war.

According to Revetnik the new military hardware will be built in China, Vietnam, and Brazil by a  workforce that will add nearly 100,000 offshore employees to Walmart's current 2.1 million.

In related news, aircraft plants, manufacturing facilities, and boat yards in the United States that had begun hiring in anticipation of the contracts will release more than 500,000 employees.

Psychic Association Correctly Predicts Date, Place of Annual Conference

The American Psychic Association (APA), an industry group for individuals with paranormal predictive abilities, has once again correctly predicted the date and place for its annual conference. The conference was held, exactly as foretold, on July 6-7 in New Orleans, Louisiana. This is the twenty-fifth consecutive year that the APA has made a correct prediction.

"With three hundred sixty five days a year and more than 10,000 venues in the US alone to choose from," said Janet Johnson, Chief Psychic Officer of the APA, "our ability to make this prediction correctly in even one year is less than one in three million; our ability to do it correctly for twenty-five consecutive years should convince all skeptics of the validity of our psychic powers."

"We don't agree," said Duane Rostovich, spokesperson for the American Skeptic's Association (ASA). While we congratulate the APA on their record, we believe that it will eventually explained by some physical process. The fact that we have not found it does not mean that it isn't there."

Related articles

• Procrastinators' Conference Postponed--Again (thewolfreport.blogspot.com)

Archaeologists: Ottoman Empire Built on Top of Chaise Longue Empire

Arhcaeologists digging in Turkey have discovered that the Ottoman Empire was actually built on top of an earlier empire called the Chaise Longue Empire.

The Ottoman Empire, which lasted for more than 600 years, from 1299 to 1923. At its greatest extent it included Turkey, most of what is now called the Middle East, most of modern Egypt, the coastal regions of North Africa from Egypt to Algeria, and extended beyond s now Greece, Romania, Serbia, Bosnia, and Hungary.
Image via Wikipedia

God to Release Man 2.0 This Year

Faced with a growing number of human and human-caused problems experts believe that God release Man 2.0 this year, rather than continuing to patch Man 1.x.

“Man 1.x has done well, but  it’s really time for an upgrade,” says Brian Maltini, who has spent thirty years disassembling many of God’s creations, including man. “With millions of patches and thousands of service pack releases, man’s remaining bugs are so fundamental that they need the Man 2.0’s architectural changes to be resolved. With its new design, Man 2.0 will be far faster, more reliable, and more secure than Man 1.x.”

“The problems that began with release of Man 1.0 were inevitable,” said Richard Maltz, a Book of Genesis scholar at Bob Jones University. “As we know from the Bible, God was under schedule pressure right from the start. He did a magnificent job nontheless, and by the fourth day he’d finished creating everything but living things. On the fifth day he created the aquatic creatures and the birds but ran into some problems, and did not have time for the land animals. Rather than take a schedule slip, God chose to create both the land animals and man on the same day, and that’s what caused the problems.”

“There’s clear evidence now that problems in man’s scalability and reliability result from shortcuts God took to meet the schedule,” agrees Maltini. “Man 1.0 was not stress-tested nor were there any volume tests. It’s no surprise that as world population has grown from just two to many billions, and as the world has become a more complex and stress-filled place, that serious bugs in Man 1.x continue to appear.”

Maltini believes that God will roll the new release out in phases starting next month. But some, including American Christian radio host Harold Camping, believe that God intends to take down the entire system on October 21, 2011 and will install Man 2.0 at that time.

Technorati Tags: God,Allah,Man 2.0,Rapture

Bristol, Levi Books to be Followed by Tripp’s Tell-All

With mommy Bristol Palin’s book “Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far” starting to rack up sales, and daddy Levi Johnstone’s “Deer in the Headlights” out soon, followers of quality non-fiction are excited to learn that baby Tripp Palin is writing a book, due out this November. The book, titled “I May Be a Bastard, But My Parents are Assholes,” promises to tell the truths that Bristol and Levi can not face: that they are pretty much complete idiots.

Because Tripp is only two and a half, the book will co-authored by Adam Mansbach, author of the best-selling “Go the F**k to Sleep.”

Technorati Tags: Levi Johnstone,Bristol Palin,Tripp Palin,Adam Mansbach

Billionaires Threaten Strike if Taxes Raised

The American Association of Billionaires, (AAB) the tax lobbying group for the super-rich, has announced a nationwide billionaire’s strike if taxes on billionaires are raised “even one penny.”

“We’re not doing it for ourselves, but for the country as a whole,” said Dennis DaPalma, spokesperson for the AAB. “Billionaires play an important role in our economy, and higher taxes for billionaires would hurt everyone, especially the poor.”

Not all billionaires agree. In an excerpt from a 2005 television program available on YouTube, Bill Gates and Warren Buffet, the two richest men in America according to the Forbes 400 rankings, said they favored higher taxes for the rich, positions they continue to hold.

“I think Bill and I should pay a higher tax rate on the income we get,” said Buffet. “It’s a rate that’s less than half the tax rate that I was paying twenty-five years ago when I was making a lot less money. They have really taken care of the rich.”

Gates agreed. “I go along with that wholeheartedly,” he said. “The rich should bear a somewhat higher proportion of the burden than they do today.”

“With the money they’ve got that’s easy for Gates and Buffet to say,” said DaPalma. “Gates has $54 billion and Buffet has $45 billion. The next wealthiest man, Larry Ellison, has just $27 billion—about half of what Gates has. But not everyone is that well off. More than 200 billionaires have only $1 to $2 billion. Life’s a lot different down there.”

DaPalma, who jokes that his net worth is “only $282 million, and that’s on a good day,” aspires to become a billionaire. “I don’t' expect to be a guy like Gates or Buffett who can just throw money around on taxes,” he said, “but I do hope to become actually rich some day. It’s the American Dream.”

If the billionaires go on strike DaPalma says he will strike in sympathy, and says he knows a lot of other millionaires who will join him.

Asked about his own taxes, DaPalma proudly reported that by careful tax planning he paid $17.62 last year, down from $112.87 the year before. “That’s a fair share,” he said, “and it’s about as much as any American—rich or poor—should have to pay.”

Technorati Tags: Taxes,Politics,Billionaires

Fires in Arizona, New Mexico Cause Marshmallow Shortage

Raging fires in Arizona and New Mexico have produced a critical marshmallow shortage in the Southwest. “Supplies of chocolate and graham crackers are more than adequate,” said a representative of the Federal Emergency Management Administration (FEMA) who has been monitoring the growing crisis, “but we are rapidly running out of marshmallows.”

Neighboring governors have pledged to rush marshmallows to the embattled states, and President Obama has authorized FEMA to release more than 2 million marshmallows from the nation’s Strategic Marshmallow Reserve . ”We believe that the situation is under control," said the FEMA representative, “and that our handling of this marshmallow crisis will restore the nation’s confidence in our organization.”

Technorati Tags: Fema,Fires,Marshmallows

Clinton Calls Weiner “a Pussy”

In an exclusive interview with The Wolf Report, former President Bill Clinton described former Representative Anthony Weiner as “a pussy” for resigning under fire. “Look, I got a blow job in the Oval Office,” said Clinton, “the Republicans spent nearly 80 million dollars investigating my administration. They spent almost $10 million on the blow job alone. And what did they get? Nothing. Meanwhile Weiner texts a few pictures of his undershorts and folds under fire.” “He’s a pussy,” Clinton said angrily. “There’s just no other word for it.”

Technorati Tags: Politics,Clinton,Weiner

Obama proposes 9.1% = 5.25%

President Barack Obama is considering an executive order that would make 9.1% equal to somewhere between 6.5% and 5.25%, thus dramatically reducing the nation’s unemployment rate and fueling the recovery. According to insiders, staff at the Bureau of Economic Analysis (BEA) are hard at work deciding whether the lower figure, which the President prefers, would fuel inflation.

Congressional Republicans, meanwhile, have introduced legislation which would make 9.1% equal to 13.5% clearly demonstrating that the President has worsened the terrible economy that he inherited from President George W. Bush.

Congressional Republicans are also considering making $14.294 trillion equal to $75.33 trillion, making Obama’s contribution to the national debt more than seven times greater than all prior presidents.

Both bills are expected to fail in the Senate.

Technorati Tags: Obama,Politics,Debt,Unemployment

Misplaced Possessive Outbreak’s Cause Shortage’s of Apostrophe’s

Nationwide outbreak’s of Misplaced Possessive Syndrome (MPS) have resulted in growing shortage’s of apostrophe’s, according to official’s in the Bureau of Apostrophe Management (BAM). MPS, is a viral disease that causes it’s victim’s to use possessive's instead of plural’s, dramatically increasing utilization of apostrophe’s.

“The rate’s of apostrophe use have increased more than 500% due to MPS,” said Blake Witherspoon, BAM director in a televised press conference. “We are working hard to control the outbreak’s.”

“In the meantime,” Witherspoon continued, “people should not worry about getting the apostrophe’s they need. We have hundred’s of million’s of apostrophe’s in the nation’s Strategic Apostrophe Reserve and we will begin to release them if the shortage persist’s.”

The BAM is encouraging people with extra apostrophe’s to exchange them for other punctuation marks at the nearest BAM office. “With private contribution’s we believe we can respond to the crisis without touching our reserve’s,” said Witherspoon.

Technorati Tags: Apostrophe's,grammar

Budget Cuts Threaten Nation’s Supply of Weather

Washington lawmakers are close to a deal that would reduce the nation’s weather supply in order to fund more important government services. The bill under consideration, the Weather Conservation Act of 2011, is the direct result of a Wolf Report editorial.

“When you’re faced with either defaulting, or with cutting national defense, Social Security, Medicare, or weather,” says Rep. Tom Gaskill, R-North Dakota. “The answer is simple: excess weather has to go. I don’t know why we haven’t seen this sooner.”

“We now realize that our weather programs, most of which were created by Republicans, are wasteful,” says Rep. Donna Morgan, D-New Jersey. “We provide weather twenty-four hours a day, three hundred sixty five days a year, to one hundred percent of the country, whether people need it or not. Our studies show that almost no one uses more than about a third of that weather, and most people use even less. In regions where population is sparse, nearly all of the weather is wasted. And some people, especially those living in cities, would be happy with no weather at all.”

While Congress decides exactly how much weather to cut, not everyone is happy with the idea. “We need more weather, not less,” says Tom Billllllinger, a stuttering 30-year old farmer in Iowa. “Without weather, how in the hell do we grow our crops? And without crops, how in the hell do we get farm subsidies?  For the next 35 years we can do without Social Security and Medicare before we can do without weather.”

The Congressional Budget Office (CBO), which evaluates the economic impact of legislative changes, agrees that we overspend on weather. “We’ve looked at both the costs and the benefits of weather,” said Jim Meltzer, spokesperson for the CBO, “and we find that weather is the most wasteful of all federal programs. The costs are high, and the benefits are small. If we took advantage of all the potential savings, we could use the money to build more than 30,000 bridges to nowhere.”

Technorati Tags: Weather,Deficit,CBO

Climate Change Started When Discovery of Fire Fucked Things Up.

Climate researcher John Williams says that the global climate change we experience today started nearly 400,000 years ago when early hominids invented fire, and began the process of completely fucking up the climate and just about everything else on the planet.

“We don’t know what the world was like before fire was invented,” said Williams, “but we do know that since then this planet has turned into a shithole.”

Using data from the Vostok Cores, which provide the most accurate record of climate over the past 400,00 years, along with speculations about when fire was invented, and his own distaste for modern civilization Williams has developed a theory that he says is a “near certainty.”

	Data from the Vostok Cores

 

“If you look at the climate record over 400,00 years you can see that there have been four major glacial epochs along with five warm “interglacial” periods. The weather has varied by more than ten degrees from coldest to warmest. If we ask ourselves ‘Why all this change?’ the answer is clear. The invention of fire has completely fucked everything up. Not just climate change, but pollution, Fox News, teenage pregnancy, and the Republican Party can all be traced back to fire.”

“As long as we continue to use fire,” Williams says, “we’ll continue to be totally fucked.”

Technorati Tags: Climate Change,Global warming,Vostok Cores