Duct tape to be used in new initiative

The president has just created a new branch of government to manage the purchase and storage of hundreds of millions of rolls of duct tape and their subsequent deployment in national emergencies, such as falling presidential approval ratings and widening credibility gaps. The organization, called the Federal Strategic Duct Tape Management Agency Department Bureau Office (FSDTMADBO) has been created at the cabinet level, and is authorized to purchase and deliver the billions of rolls of duct tape needed to repair the problems that the administration creates each day.

Besides dealing with today's problems, The Agency Department Bureau Office will be responsible for preparing for tomorrow's blunders by building a National Strategic Duct Tape Repository where hundreds of millions of rolls of duct tape will be stored and allowed to rot, and to manage a Federal Duct Tape Emergency Response Team (FDTERT) capable of delivering rotted duct tape anywhere that the government operates, in less than day.

"If FDTERT has been around when hurricane Katrina struck," said an FSDTMADBO spokesperson, "we would have duct-taped the levees in just a few hours and been able to prevent billions of dollars in damage. And if we had been around when the tidal wave struck Indonesia we would have duct taped something or other that would have either saved lives or looked good on TV."

According to sources, the president briefly considered two other strategies: either having the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) manage the duct tape or to create a duct tape management agency within the Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI). But a quick study showed that both FEMA and DHI were both badly in need of duct taping themselves and they could not take on additional responsibilities.

Duct tape shortages are predicted as Republican and Democratic parties as well as individual candidates are building up their own supplies of duct tape for the coming campaign, and the government of Iraq is making large purchases in order to hold a fractured nation together.

Scientists are studying whether duct tape can be used to stop global warming, or at least seem to.

City of Boston Declared No Humor Zone

Following the arrest of a 19-year old MIT student for wearing clothing that authorities at Boston's Logan Airport believed was a “hoax bomb,” Boston Mayor Tom Menino has declared the entire city a “No Humor Zone.”

Boston was paralyzed last January after police, who discovered blinking electronic signs showing a cartoon character giving people the finger just three short weeks after the signs had been put up, decided that the cartoons might be part of a terror attack.

"Al-Queda is constantly changing their tactics," a police official explained at the time. "The very fact that they have never used blinking electronic cartoons would have been proof that they did it if they actually had done it. Thus we were right to react as we did."

In a press conference following the Logan arrest Menino explained that insensitivity to humor, whimsy, or irony was just one element of the city's approach to terror threats. “We know that terrorists have no sense of humor at all" Menino said, "so we’ve made sure that the people who assess terror threats are likewise incapable of laughing at anything, no matter how funny others might find it. We believe that this may help us see through tactics that other police forces might overlook. When New York is destroyed by exploding Whoopee Cushions, we'll see who has the last laugh."

In order to reduce the number of false alarms, and to make the city's policy clear enough that even MIT students can understand it, the Mayor has directed his Task Force for Stupid Signs to create a “No Humor Zone” sign, shown above. The mayor has ordered fifteen thousand to be posted throughout the city.

“People need to realize that in Boston, humor is not a laughing matter,” said a spokesperson for the Mayor's office.

Al-Qaeda files suit in Iraq, US, and Israel

Citing the value of the Al-Qaeda brand, the international terror organization has filed simultaneous lawsuits in the Iraq, the United States, and Israel. The suits allege misuse of Al-Qaeda trademarks, and insist on substantial damages.

“Osama [bin Laden] has spent his life building our brand,” an Al-Qaeda spokesperson told us over a secure Internet phone call from the organization’s corporate headquarters, a cave in northern Pakistan. “He is not going to let the brand be compromised through unauthorized use. He will to protect our good name with strong legal action followed by some very big car bombs.”

The suit filed in Iraq names the organization that calls itself “Al-Qaeda in Mesopotamia” as principal defendant. According to the bin Laden spokesperson, Al-Qaeda in Mesopotamia was licensed to use the Al-Qaeda brand on a year to year basis, with automatic renewal if a contractually specified number of Iraqi officials, American soldiers, and innocent bystanders were killed each year.

“They have successfully met two of the targets,” said the spokesperson, “but they have utterly failed to kill the required number of innocents, and thus can no longer use our brand in their recruiting. According to our contract, they must now call themselves ‘Incompetent Assholes in Mesopotamia,’ a name which they have refused to use.

The suit also names the Iraqi government and the United States Military as co-defendants. “We have notified both of the correct new name of the organization that they claim they are fighting, but they continue to claim that they are after Al-Qaeda,” said the spokesperson. “This is proof of the value of our brand and why it must be protected at all costs.”

The second suit, filed in the United States, is directed at Apple, Inc., a large electronics manufacturer, and is a pre-emptive effort to block a new Apple product from reaching market. The new product, called the Al-QiPod, combines a video iPod with an explosives belt and royalty free downloads. According to the spokesperson the Al-QiPod was to be sold to millions of teen-agers throughout the Middle East. “We are very open to an accommodation on this one,” said the representative, “as it is in our best interests to see this product launched quickly.”

The subject of the final suit, filed in Israel, was unavailable at press time. An Israeli Federal Court representative acknowledges receiving a large box labeled “Contains VERY IMPORTANT Legal Materials; Please Open in a Crowded Place.” “Since this box says that it is very important,” said the representative, “we’ve decided to wait for the next session of the Knesset before opening it.”

Al-Qaeda believes all three suits will be successful and expects that the damages will be substantial “whether or not we win in court.”

Bush Plans Revealed

"Just as our mission was accomplished until it wasn't and we were winning the war until we weren't, the 'surge' is successful and will continue to be until it isn't," said a senior Administration official.

"At that time," he said, "we will fire General Patraeus and Secretary Gates, replace them with a new team, and come up with a new strategy."

"We i n the Administration call this 'Staying the Course'."

"Until we call it something else, that is."

Bush Announces Success in Iraq and Possible Drawdown

Following his surprise visit to Iraq President George W. Bush has announced that the "surge" strategy in Iraq was working.

"Gen. Petraeus and Ambassador Crocker tell me if the kind of success we are now seeing continues, it will be possible to maintain the same level of security with fewer American forces," Bush said, in a carefully prepared spontaneous statement.

According to several news reports this success includes 2,318 civilian deaths during the month of August.

"We have analyzed the numbers and feel we can keep the civilian death toll at this level with as few as twenty American troops," said a spokesman.

"By agreeing to withdraw troops, we prove that the surge is working."

Bush Visit to Iraq not a Photo Opportunity

Citing the need to consult with top commanders and Iraqi leaders President Bush and top aides made a surprise visit to Iraq this week.

“This is not a photo opportunity,” said a White House spokesperson, “but an important event that required that the president meet face-to face with top commanders and Iraqi leaders. Since there are many top commanders and many Iraqi leaders, but only one president, it made more sense for him to pay them a surprise visit than for several plane loads of them to make a surprise visit to Washington.”

“This is not a photo opportunity,” said a defense department spokesperson, “but an important chance for not only top commanders but also middle and bottom commanders to meet with the President and tell him fact-to-face everything that they have been ordered to say about the military and political situation.”

“This is not a photo opportunity,” said a spokesman for the Association of Important Iraqi Politicians (AIIP) just returned from their August holidays. “It is a chance to meet with the President of the United States so that he can personally ignore what we have to say rather than doing it through intermediaries.”

“This is not a photo opportunity,” said one of the members of the special group of reporters, photographers and camera crews that accompanied the president on his visit. “It’s really not a photo opportunity. Really. It’s not. We’re writing stuff, too. So it's a reporting opportunity. Not a photo opportunity. Really. It is."