Onion Charged with Unfair Trade Practices

The Wolf Report has filed a complaint with the Federal Trade Commission alleging that the Internet humor site, The Onion, engages in unfair trade practices.

“The Onion is the WalMart of humor,” the complaint says. “Like the other WalMart, they use their huge size and enormous buying power to control the humor market, grabbing all the funniest headlines at substantial discounts, and forcing blogs like The Wolf Report to write stupid articles like ‘The Onion Charged With Unfair Trade Practices,’ in order to have something to post.”

“I agree,” said Chauncey Dillingham, an independent humor consultant who was invented for the purpose of having some sort of humorous quote. “This article, which you can see is barely amusing, if that, is exactly the kind of lame crap you’re left with once The Onion grabs all the good ideas. And it’s not just ideas: it’s execution, too. If I was being quoted in The Onion right now, instead of in The Wolf Report, their writers would have given me something really funny to say, and you’d be laughing your ass off, instead of wondering why this boring asshole is droning on, and on, and on, and dying for this article to end.”

Technorati Tags: Onion,Humor,Lame

Hotel Launches “Predator Friendly” Campaign after Booking Decline

The Hotel Sofitel New York has launched a $1M advertising and public relations campaign to lure back sexual predators after a hotel maid accused Dominique Strauss-Kahn, head of the IMF, of forcing her to perform oral sex on him. On the basis of her charges, Strauss-Kahn was arrested while attempting to leave the country, has been arraigned, and is now being held on $1M bail; many of the sexual predators who stay at the hotel have been cancelling reservations, dropping the occupancy rate by nearly half.

“Predators who want hotel accommodations in New York should realize that the maid who accused our guest was acting on her own, and not representing the hotel or its policies,” said a spokesman for the luxury hotel. “The complaint was entirely unauthorized. We regret the inconvenience that this irresponsible act has caused, and assure the public that this will not happen again.

“The Hotel Sofitel New York is proud of the predator-friendly policy under which the rich and powerful men who are our guests have been able to perform any sexual act, with or without consent, with any of our staff, and without complaint for years. With more than 30,000 such acts carried out at our hotel, we have had only this one complaint. It is unfortunate that the publicity has affected our hotel’s otherwise unblemished reputation.”

Insiders say that the hotel’s campaign, which led off with advertisements on online porn sites and in airline magazines has already had an enormous impact. New bookings are headed for record levels and the hotel is running full page advertisements for new staff, with bonuses for nuns, choir boys, and schoolgirls. The second part of the campaign will feature celebrity endorsements by Strauss-Khan himself, as well as Congressman Anthony Weiner, and actor Charlie Sheen.

Technorati Tags: Hotels,Predators,Strauss-Khan,Charlie Sheen,Anthony Weiner

Procrastinators’ Conference Postponed--Again

The First Annual Conference of the International Association of Procrastinators has been postponed, according to an announcement made today by Jim Little, Founder and President of the Association.

"The conference was supposed to be three weeks ago," Little explained, "but no one showed up because I'd forgotten to send out the conference announcement. Fortunately I also forgot to book the conference center and line up speakers, so no harm done.

"And there was no pressure to announce the postponement, which explains why it took until now for me to get around to it."

 Little claims that the Association has "millions of members."  "The numbers are hard to pin down," he says, "because our members keep putting off sending in their registration forms, partly because I keep putting off sending them out.

The First Annual Conference has been postponed 184 times during the 23 years of the organization’s existence.

According to Little, the new date for the meeting will be announced “very soon,” and posted on the Association's web site as soon as they have one.

Biblical Scholar: Jesus would have invaded Iraq

Duane Fitzsimmons, a Biblical scholar and computer scientist, has developed a computer program that predicts how Jesus would deal with modern challenges. The program, called WWJD, was calibrated against Jesus’ behavior in the Gospels of Mathew, Mark, and Luke, and correctly simulates Jesus’ behavior in the Gospel of John. Fitzsimmons has used WWJD to model Jesus’ response to challenges over the past 2,000 years.

“Over thousands of post-Biblical simulations WWJD’s predicted behavior for Jesus has been what one would have expected,” says Fitzsimmons. “In situation after situation, WWJD predicts that He would have chosen peace over war, charity over greed, generosity over selfishness. Then, surprisingly in the last few years, WWJD has predicted that Jesus would have reduced taxes on the rich, invaded both Afghanistan and Iraq, increased spending on the military, cut social welfare programs, and supported reprisals against Palestinians.”

Despite the unexpected results, Fitzsimmons is confident that the WWJD model is correct. “We don’t understand why WWJD gives the results that it does in modern simulations, but it’s an extremely complex program and not easy to understand. The fact that millions of American Christians, including a former President, seem to support these very same policies is encouraging. It’s hard to believe that both the WWJD program and all of these people could be wrong.”

Center for Political Tautology Announces "Vast Left-Wing Conspirancy"

The American Center for Political Tautology has announced its discovery of new, indisputable evidence of a vast left-wing conspiracy. "We're always ready to believe that such a conspiracy exists," 

said Jacob Teller, who made the announcement, "because there is no other way to explain the large number of people who believe that there is a conspiracy. Now we have more proof."

Image via Wikipedia

Teller's new report lists more than 100 web sites, for example this one, containing a deposition given by Paul Revere to the Massachusetts Provincial Congress. In it, Revere explains the events following his capture by the British

I told him they would miss their aim. He said they should not, they were only waiting for some deserters they expected down the road. I told him I knew better, I knew what they were after; that I had alarmed the country all the way up that their boats were caught aground, and I should have 500 men there soon.

“This can be used by rabid left-wingers to argue that there is no merit in Sarah Palin's statement that Revere

"...warned the British that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms by ringing those bells, and makin' sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed."

The document clearly gives Revere's report that he had told the British that he had 'alarmed the countryside' and 'should have 500 men there soon.' This obviously supports Palin's statement that the Colonists "were going to be free and ...going to be armed." The fact that the document says nothing about Revere's ringing bells and sending warning shots is clear evidence that the original text has been altered to remove these salient and crucial facts.

"Since our research shows that Sarah Palin is manifestly a genius," said Teller, "any web page on a supposedly neutral site that could be used, in any way, no matter how much exaggeration and interpretation was required, to argue that anything that Palin said was even minutely inaccurate--well, the web page must clearly be a lie. The fact that this particular lie is repeated so many times on the Internet, and can even be found in the Internet Archives, can only mean that the left-wing is able to take over any part of the Internet whenever they want, and make it say whatever they want.

"This is a threat to our liberty, and something must be done about it!"

About The Center for Political Tautology: is generally acknowledged as the leading provider of information that supports whatever people already believe is true because the Center for Political Tautology is the leading provider of information that supports whatever people already believe is true

.

Related articles

• Palin: Revere family warned British, bin-Laden, Hitler, Hirohito (thewolfreport.blogspot.com)
• Sarah Palin: I was right about Paul Revere (whyevolutionistrue.wordpress.com)

Center for Political Tautology Announces "Vast Right Wing Conspirancy"

The American Center for Political Tautology has announced its discovery of new, indisputable evidence of a vast right-wing conspiracy. "We're always ready to believe that such a conspiracy exists," said
Image by Getty Images via @daylifeJacob Teller, who made the announcement, "because there is no other way to explain the large number of people who believe that there is a conspiracy. Now we have more proof."

Teller's new report lists more than 100 web sites, for example this one, containing a "deposition" given by Paul Revere to the Massachusetts Provincial Congress. In it, Revere explains the events following his capture by the British.

I told him they would miss their aim. He said they should not, they were only waiting for some deserters they expected down the road. I told him I knew better, I knew what they were after; that I had alarmed the country all the way up that their boats were caught aground, and I should have 500 men there soon.

“This can be used by right-wingers to argue that there is some merit in Sarah Palin's statement that Revere

"...warned the British that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms by ringing those bells, and makin' sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed."

While the document does not say anything about ringing bells and sending warning shots, and while Revere's statements that he had 'alarmed the countryside' and 'should have 500 men there soon' are untrue, according to Revere's own account, the fact that he misled the British could be considered a warning that the Colonists were going to be free and were going to be armed.

"Since our research shows that Sarah Palin is manifestly an idiot," said Teller, "any web page on a supposedly neutral site that could be used, in any way, no matter how much exaggeration and interpretation was required, to argue that anything that Palin has even the smallest basis in fact--well, the web page must clearly be a lie. The fact that this particular lie is repeated so many times on the Internet, and can even be found in the Internet Archives, can only mean that the right-wing is able to take over any part of the Internet whenever they want, and make it say whatever they want.

"This is a threat to our liberty, and something must be done about it!"

About The Center for Political Tautology: is generally acknowledged as the leading provider of information that supports whatever people already believe is true because the Center for Political Tautology is the leading provider of information that supports whatever people already believe is true

.

Related articles

• Palin: Revere family warned British, bin-Laden, Hitler, Hirohito (thewolfreport.blogspot.com)
• Sarah Palin Fans Trying To Rewrite Wikipedia History Of Paul Revere's Ride To Match Her Crazy Version (thenewspundit.com)
• No, Palin's Wrong About Paul Revere: Experts (newser.com)

Palin: Revere family warned British, bin-Laden, Hitler, Hirohito

 

Sarah Palin doesn't back down. She reloads. She provoked a storm of criticism after she described Paul Revere  this way: "He who warned the British that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms by ringing those bells, and makin' sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed."

Now she not only refuses to apologize for her unusual version of history, but is aggressively defending it. She’s told reporters that she is “completely certain” that Revere warned the British based on the intensive study of American history that she started just after the Katie Couric interview.

Image via Wikipedia

According to Palin and a recently hired team of historians on her staff, Paul Revere’s warning the British is part of a Revere family tradition. Documents show that Paul Revere VIII, a direct descendent of the famous American patriot, warned Osama Bin Laden that "The SEALS are coming;" Paul Revere V warned Hitler that "D-Day is coming;" and his son, Paul Revere VI warned Emperor Hirohito that "The A-bomb is coming." "Those Revere family people who warned American’s enemies that they weren’t going to be doin’ any more bad stuff as so many of us can be aware and warns in order to give a fair chance by warnin’ whether by ringin’ bells or shootin’ off guns or warning with faxes or emails or web sites or anything else like Tweetin’ or anything so in order for these people to, even though it will do them no good, get a fighting chance, against our freedom, which will anyway succeed," Palin explained.

Related articles

• Palin Explains Why Her Paul Revere Remarks Were Correct: VIDEO (towleroad.com)
• Palin rewrites history (thehill.com)
• Because, sure, why not ... Apparently someone tried to edit Sarah Palin's Paul Revere comments INTO the man's Wikipedia page. (shortformblog.tumblr.com)

TAI’s ADW to feature UAD, ARC, ACD, and AUT

The Triadic Acronym Institute (TAI), the trade association for the Three Letter Acronym (TLA) industry, will hold an Acronym Development Workshop (ADW) in Phoenix (PHX) July (JUL) 7-10, 2010, with sessions on Unique Acronym Development (UAD), Acronym Registration and Copyrighting (ARC), Acronym Collision Detection (ACD) and Acronym User Testing (AUT).

You can register online at www.tai.com/reg or print and fill out a the Workshop Registration Form (WRF) found at www.tai.com/wrf and send it with a Self Addressed Stamped Envelope (SASE) to the address listed at www.tai.com/adr.

About SASE: SASE is a registered trademark of the Quadratic Acronym Institute (QAI) and is used with its permission.

About QAI: QAI is the TLA for the Quadratic Acronym Institution, trade association for the a Four Letter Acronym (FLA) industry. QAI and FLA are registered trademarks of TAI, and are used by QAI under an exclusive license.

About TAI: TAI is the TLA for Triadic Acronym Institute, the trade association for the Three Letter Acronym (TLA) industry. TAI, TLA, QAI, FLA, ADS, UAD, ARC, ACD, AUT, www, tai, com, reg, adr, WRF, WTF, and wrf are all registered trademarks of TAI.