IRA bombers convert to Islam

Members of the Irish Republican Army (IRA) who call themselves the “Bloody Sunday Brigade” announced today that they have converted from Catholicism to Islam. They plan to resume killing civilians after they return from this year’s Hajj.

“Our goal remains the same,” an unidentified spokesperson for the group told The Wolf Report, “and that is to kill as many innocent people as it takes for Ireland to be free. But our ways have to change with the times. Islam is a more popular religion for terrorists than is Catholicism, so we’ve converted.”

“We welcome the former infidel dogs of the Bloody Sunday Brigade to the Umma, the community of believers,” said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for al-Qaeda No Liability Corporation (NLC). “We hope they will be successful.”

Belichick accused of point shaving

Controversy erupted following the New England Patriots’ 56-10 win over the Buffalo Bills, when Patriots Coach Bill Belichick was accused of point shaving.

Point shaving is the illegal practice of reducing a game’s point difference below the “spread,” a gambling handicap that gives those who bet on a weaker team a chance to win. The spread for the New England-Buffalo game was 105 points.

“The score should have been something like 150-3,” said Mildred Terpin, a Patriots fan who mortgaged her house, cashed in her life insurance policy, and sold her entire stock portfolio to bet that the Patriots would beat the spread. “Why did he let them off so easy?”

“The Pats’ low score was a complete surprise to everyone” said Charles “Big Charlie” D’Amato, spokesman for the National Federation of Bookies and Handicappers (NFBH), “and it once again brings Coach Belichick’s integrity into question.”

Belichick was accused of videotaping opposing teams’ defensive signals earlier this year and fined $500,000 or approximately 3% of what a coach can make from point shaving.

“We’re just taking things one game at a time,” Belichick said at the Patriots-Bills post-game press conference and at every press conference for his entire career. “There’s another game next week, and that’s all I’m thinking about.”

The Patriots play the Eagles next week. The spread is currently 310 points.

Photo: Silas216 on Flickr

Iraqis believe that war is going well

According to White House sources Iraqis now believe that the war is going well and that the country is on the right road to being stabilized and turning into a representative democracy that will be a model for the Middle East. The surge strategy that deployed an additional 20,000 troops in Iraq is believed to have caused these changes.

“We have not believed this in the past,” said Hamid Saddar, one of the two Iraqis surveyed, “but I now believe that the war is going very well; and I believe that the country is on the right road to being stabilized; and I believe that it is turning into a representative democracy that will be a model for the Middle East.; and I very definitely believe that the surge strategy that deployed an additional 20,000 troops in Iraq has caused these changes.”

“I too believe the war is going very, very well,” said his brother, Muhammad. “I also believe that the country is very much on the right road to being stabilized; and I too believe that it is very much turning into a representative democracy that will be a model for the Middle East; and I most very, very definitely believe that the surge strategy that deployed an additional 20,000 troops in Iraq has caused these changes. Most certainly that is what I believe.”

“I also believe that we were not paid enough to say this,” said Hamid. “There are some very bad people out there who will kill people who say things like this if they find out. I hope they do not read any report of this because if they do they will probably kill us. Even though I did not give my true name I think we are taking a big risk. It was a lot of money, some might say, but not really enough.”

“I too believe we were not paid enough,” said Muhammad. “It is very dangerous and we were paid not nearly enough. Most certainly we were not paid enough. There are more and more very, very bad people out there every day who could kill us. But perhaps we will not be killed, and there will be other things that need to be said and perhaps next time we will be paid enough when we say those things.”

“But probably not,” said Hamid.

“Yes, I agree, probably not,” agreed Muhammad. “Most certainly probably not.”

Al-Qaeda books Tuesday

How does Osama bin Laden manage to look so slim, fit, and healthy? Al-Qaeda NLC (No Liability Corporation) says his secrets will be revealed next Tuesday when they publish two new books: “The Tora Bora Diet: the al-Qaeda Way to Lose Weight Fast,” and “Osama’s Exercise Plan: Losing Weight Fast the al-Qaeda Way.”

“These programs are practically miraculous” said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for al-Qaeda NLC. “One woman lost nearly 125 pounds on the program, and many others have had similar weight losses.”

“We’re looking into these books carefully,” said Janet Dowd of the Consumer Protection Agency. “While it’s true that working out while wearing an explosive vest—as Osama’s Exercise Plan recommends—can help lose weight faster than exercise alone, we think that the added risk may not worth the benefit. The woman that al-Qaeda cites lost her weight in a very short time when her vest suddenly exploded leaving only her head. Such a quick loss of weight may be unhealthy.”

“In addition,” Dowd continued, “the meals in the Tora Bora diet include poisonous chemicals and substances that—when mixed in the presence of stomach acid—can explode violently. These techniques certainly will cause fast weight loss, so al-Qaeda is not making any false claims. If they were, we’d be on them in a minute. Still, we think that—considering the source of these books—that we need to look into this more carefully. There may be some trick involved.”

“There are no tricks” responded Gaith. “These books are based on proven techniques. In field trials thousands of people have lost weight rapidly. This is our way to spread the benefit.”

CBOT opens stupidity futures market

The Chicago Board of Trade (CBOT), which manages the nation’s commodity markets, has launched the nation’s first stupidity futures market. The market will regulate and standardize the purchase and sale of future stupidity.

“The demand for stupidity during the current election is already at an all time high,” said Bjork Bjornson, an open market stupidity trader. “More and more people are looking for 30-second answers to increasing complex questions, and that requires stupidity on all sides.”

“We’ve also seen that the candidate who says the stupidest things often gets elected,” he continued, “so we can expect the demand for stupidity to go up as the election gets closer.”

“For example, we see the Democratic candidates using large amounts of stupidity against their primary opponents rather than Republicans; that takes a special kind of stupidity. And we see from futures contracts that the Republicans are planning for a huge surge in stupidity on their own as critical primaries approach.”

“What should investors do?” We asked him.

“Invest in stupidity,” he replied. “It’s going to be in demand like never before.”

Rockies protest Sox win: “Belichick cheated”

The Colorado Rockies baseball team has issued a formal protest to Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig alleging that the Rockies’ base runner and catcher-pitcher signals were stolen—probably by Coach Bill Belichick of the New England Patriots—and provided to the Red Sox coaching staff. The Rockies want the series played over again while Belichick is kept under surveillance.

“While we have no actual evidence of cheating,” said Arnold Thomas, spokesperson for the Rockies, “actual evidence is no longer necessary in America. Rumors are sufficient. If the fact that Belichick might have cheated is good enough for a sports icon like Don Shula, it should be good enough for Bud Selig.”

Some News on “No News November Ninth”

The call for “No News November Ninth” that The Wolf Report reported (here) was heeded by billions of people—including the entire staff of The Wolf Report—who did nothing noteworthy that day. who did nothing noteworthy that day.

Unfortunately the day’s perfection was spoiled by several hundred thousand people who killed, maimed, stole, cheated, lied, won or lost sporting events, or otherwise spoiled what would have been a day of utter calm.

“I was thinking of like discovering a cure for like cancer or like building like some kind of space ship,” said Ted Brewster, an unemployed day laborer, one of the billions who participated in the day's events. “Then I like heard about the no news thing, and said like ‘What the fuck! I'll do it another day’ and like turned over and caught another eight hours of sack time.”

But not everyone was that committed to calming the earth on November Ninth. Ray Jefferson (not his real name) shot his brother-in-law early that morning. “I don't care what fucking day it was,” he said. “The sonuvabitch deserved it.”

According to World Health Organization (WHO) spokesperson Akidje Olotunje, “We will try again next year.”

Kidnapping interrupts publication schedule

The Wolf Report’s stream of postings was interrupted after al-Qaeda terrorists broke into The ReportPlex, the base of The Wolf Report publishing empire, kidnapped the Blog’s entire editorial and publication staff, and held them hostage for several days.

“It was devastating,” said Leonard Cohen (no relation to the song writer of the same name), The Wolf Report’s fashion editor. “Terrorists, wearing bin Laden Design’s bright new Fall 2007 suicide bomb vests, broke into our newsroom waving automatic weapons with burnished metal stocks and multicolored designer slings made of ballistic nylon, and forced us into a waiting fleet of helicopters decorated in a somewhat retro style reminiscent of Sikorsky’s classic ‘Airlift’ look.”

“It was horrifying,” said Nancy Drew (no relation to the fictional character of the same name), travel editor for The Wolf Report. “They took us to a nearby airport where impeccably courteous terrorist attendants seated us in wide, comfortable seats in the luxurious al-Qaeda Air (AQA) modified 747 wide-body that the terror network rightly considers the jewel of their fleet. After a delectable seven course dinner, in-flight entertainment that included hilarious spoof of the Iraq invasion with English subtitles, and a refreshing nap in seats that folded flat into comfortable beds, we landed at the just-completed airfield that adjoins the new Tora Bora Cave Complex and Theme Park where we were to endure our incarceration.”

“It was terrifying,” said Amadji Rhamadaja (no relation to anyone with that or any other name), who helps keep The Wolf Report’s Workplace Diversity Index above 6. “The terrorists fed and pampered us for two days while giving us many good ideas for satirical articles about the Bush administration before flying us back to The ReportPlex where they ordered us back to work.”

“Unfortunately we were not able to meet Osama himself because he and his closest aides were preparing for a traditional Islamic celebration by attaching laser beams to the heads of sharks.”

The Wolf Report will return to its regular publication schedule of “sparodically” with this issue unless there is either an alien abduction or some other reason.

Zbrakzzz cancel invasion plan

The Zbrakzzz, a race from the galaxy known to earthling astronomers as Arp 87 (see image, right) and to Zbrakzzzian astronomers as Gfruniazzzybbbyqqyuf 91, have canceled their plans to invade earth—or Ggorrvvv, as they call it, and enslave all of its people.

“Due to what you Ggorrvvvians call ‘global warming’ said the Ultimate Grand Vgozzz, speaking on behalf of the Zbrakzzz Unified World Government, “we believe that Ggorrvvv will be too hot for us Zbrakzzz in about six months. Also, carbon dioxide makes us fart. So we’re not coming. Please cancel the reservations.”

Political analysts on Zbrakzzz have been speculating that the Zbrakzzz Unified World Government would invade Ggorrvvv ever since the Penultimate Lesser Vgozzz made a speech claiming that we were developing Weapons of Mass Destruction and were a danger to Gfruniazzzybbbyqqyuf 91 and other nearby galaxies.

“It’s a common ploy,” said Bggurggguggurrr 546, a reporter for the Zbrakzzz Sun-Times, a Rupert Murdoch publication. “But hardly anyone in the universe other than the sea worms of Kgkkluxxian 15 can be fooled by that one any more.” (Hubble image of Gfruniazzzybbbyqqyuf 91 courtesy of NASA and STScI)

Woman jailed for late-term abortion

A Texas woman has been jailed for carrying out a late-term abortion. The woman, Gail Bennett, has been released on bail. The fetus, Dean Bennet, was 27 years old.

“A 27-year-old is a human being,” said Amanda McPherson of the Coalition for the Preservation of Life and Election of One Issue Religious Conservatives. “A 27-year-old can’t be called a fetus.”

“I’m his mother, said Bennett, “and I can call him whatever I want to call him. And as for calling that fetus a human being—let me tell you that no human being would ever have treated his mother the way that he treated me, forgetting my birthday in 1997, sending me cheap gifts on Mothers day two different years, and then marrying Lisa, that bitch-slut, over my objections.”

“This is an attempt to control a woman’s reproductive rights,” said Marjorie Anderson, a spokesperson for the Coalition for Reproductive Rights and Election of One Issue Secular Liberals. “A woman has the right to her own body, and that fetus has been giving Gail such heart palpitations since he married that bitch-slut that the poor woman could not sleep at night. She needed to terminate the pregnancy to protect her health.”

“The question of when life begins has always been a difficult one,” said Professor Eli Forrester, prestigious ethicist and founder of the Association of Prestigious Ethicists. “Christian belief holds that life begins at conception; Jewish tradition holds that a fetus can not be aborted until it completes medical school; and the Umgabi, an African tribe studied mainly by prestigious ethicists, such as myself, believe that the Boston Red Sox will win the World Series twice before their chief god, oddly named Big Pappi, will carry out an abortion by global Dilation and Curettage.”

Pakistani suicide bomber reassembled by NTSB

The National Traffic Safety Board (NTSB), which reassembles airplanes after catastrophic crashes has reconstructed the suicide bomber who attacked Pakistani leader Benazir Bhutto.

“We were fortunate to find the bomber’s head intact,” said Chip Ramone, head of the NTSB team that reconstructed the terrorist. “This gave us a good place to start. The rest was the result of the kind of careful work that we’re accustomed to, complicated by the fact that it was very difficult to tell which blobs of flesh or chunks of bone came from the bomber and which from his victims.”

According to the NTSB the bomber was a Pakistani hermaphrodite, seventeen feet tall, weighing 820 lbs., and easily distinguished by his four arms and three legs.

Pakistani officials say that it will not be difficult to find a man matching this unusual description and already claim to have several leads.

Al-Qaeda announces new social networking sites

Al-Qaeda No Liability Corporation (NLC) has announced three new Internet services for terrorists: an Internet terrorist social network called MyCave, a terrorist blog search called terrorati, and a social bookmarking service called mal.icio.us. All services will carry the al-Qaeda terror brand.

“These services unite the al-Qaeda terrorist network with other terrorist networks and with individual terrorists, creating both a worldwide social terrorist community and more efficient use of scarce terrorist resources,” said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for al-Qaeda, NLC. “Without mal.icio.us, for example, a terrorist looking for a good way to build a good dirty bomb might spend weeks Googling phrases like ‘dirty bomb’ that lead to high PageRank CIA sites with misleading information. With terrorati, the tag ‘dirtybomb’ leads the terrorists right to the most useful pages, as ranked by peers.”

The terrorati Blog search engine will help terrorists find the most popular terror Blogs so they can ‘learn from the experts.’ MyCave will let terrorists create their own home pages, share music and pictures with other terrorists, and find and identify to ‘friends’ with whom they can collaborate on social outrages. All three services will be supported by advertising, mainly by US based weapons and explosive companies.

"These announcements along with other al-Qaeda NLC announcements (TWR stories here, and here) are a sign that something big is up with al-Qaeda NLC, said Hamid Al Qadari, analyst for international hedge fund Taliban Caves Partners (TCP). “We think that it may be the expected IPO (see TWR story).

Al-Qaeda announces OpenIED project

Al-Qaeda No Liability Corporation (NLC) has announced version 1.0 of OpenIED, the Open Source Improvised Explosive Device project.

“OpenIED will help terrorists of all kinds build low cost and high quality IEDs,” said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for al-Qaeda, NLC. “OpenIED devices will be free as in speech, and would be free as in beer if we Muslims drank beer, which we don’t. So maybe free as in humus, if that makes any sense, which it doesn’t.”

OpenIED will be licensed to terrorists under the Guerilla Public License or GPL, which guarantees that all contributions to the OpenIED project by one faction can be used to kill members of any other faction, including the contributors.

US proposes waterboarding for 2008 Olympics

The United States Olympic Committee has proposed individual and team waterboarding for the 2008 Olympics, and has announced that Mr. X, an undercover CIA operative, will coach the US team.

“Competitive waterboarding has a great history and a great future,” said Mr. X in an encrypted email to The Wolf Report. “Unfortunately its history is classified and its future soon will be.”

According to the International Torture and Interrogation Association (ITIA), waterboarding began during the Spanish Inquisition (1478-1834) and like any sophisticated interrogation technique it has been modified and refined over the years. “It’s no more fair to compare Spanish-Inquisition-era waterboarding with modern waterboarding,” said James Thatcher, President of the ITIA. “than it would be to compare the Spanish-Inquisition-era basketball with today’s more sophisticated game.”

What started as an interrogation technique became a competitive sport when CIA interrogators formalized ad-hoc lunchtime waterboarding sessions and adopted standardized waterboarding rules. In 1992 the first waterboarding tournament was held at the CIA’s Langley, Virginia headquarters. The name of the winner is TOP SECRET. Since then, tournaments have been held every year. Then names of winners in subsequent years are merely SECRET.

“As more and more people in Iraq and Afghanistan are exposed to waterboarding” said Mr. X, “interest in the sport is growing. We expect vigorous competition in the Olympics, but due to our years of experience and superior training techniques, we will win.”

God denied further funding for “human” experiment

The Celestial Academy of Sciences (CAS) has declined to provide God with funding to continue the “human” experiment on the planet “earth.” Without funding, the fate of the project is in doubt.

“The experiment was designed to show what a creature that evolved from slime mold was capable of,” said a burning bush, speaking on behalf of God. “We’ve shown that these creatures can not only develop poetry, literature, and art, but also Tetris, the Internet, YouTube, and Gogol Bordello. With additional funding God believes that these creatures might be able to create a sustainable culture.”

“While the experiment has produced interesting results,” said a being whose nominator can not be represented in a space of fewer then 11 dimensions, “the Celestial Administration feels that God has crossed the boundaries of good science in several areas: first, when She allowed subjects on Earth to worship Her; second, when She encouraged groups who worshiped her in different ways to slaughter one another; and third when she allowed the dodo to go extinct. Many of us liked the dodo. As a result, we have decided not to provide further funding for the experiment.”

Asked for her reaction, God said only that She was “considering her alternatives.”