Turkish genocide story corrected

Yesterday's story in The Wolf Report erroneously reported that an estimated 45 million Turks had been killed by Americans during an attack on Turkey.

The story should have stated that an estimated 45 million turkeys had been eaten by Americans during Thanksgiving.

The Wolf Report regrets having made this mistake, even though it's an easy one to make when a country names itself after a bird.

'The' wins again as Wolf Report Article of Year

For the sixth consecutive year, 'the' has won The W0lf Report's Article of the Year award.

"Despite a strong showing this year by both 'a' and 'an,' said the Founder, Publisher, and Editor in Chief of The Wolf Report, 'the' continues to be our readers' favorite article."

Other winners in The Wolf Report's annual contest include 'was' as Best Verb in a Short Article, and 'torture' as Noun of the Year.

Man patents and copyrights own genome; sues children for infringement

In a world where the costs of genetic sequencing have plummetted, almost anyone can afford to sequence a complicated genome. And in world where lawsuits over intellectual property voilations abound, almost anyone can afford to sue for a property right violation. Abner J. Dilworth has taken advantages of these developments, becoming the first individual to sequence his own genome, copyright the text of his own DNA, patent his own genes, and to sue his own children for using his intellectual property without a license.

"The little bastards have been using my genes without permission since the day that they were conceived," said Dilworth, "and I mean to see that they pay."

The lawsuit has been filed simultaneously in places where Dilworth alleges that either the illegal copying took place or where the copies are currently being used, including Massachusetts, California, Florida, North Dakota, and the back seat of a 1976 Chevrolet. The suit alleges patent violation, copyright violation, and theft of intellectual property. The suit also asks for an injunction against any further sexual activity on the part of any of his children on grounds that such activity "may result in further copying of the unlicensed intellectual property, even if steps have been taken to prevent or reduce the liklihood of such copies being made."

Faceless bureaucrats reject health-care plans

The American Association of Faceless Bureaucrats (AAFB) have completed their long-awaited evalution of the health-care proposals wending their way through Congress. Their conclusion: "Denied!"

"We faceless bureaucrats have been denying health-care requests for years as part of a market-based, free-enterprise, entrepreneurial, and essentially American system of faceless bureaucracy," said an anonymous spokesperson for the AAFB. "If we accepted any of these proposals, we'd co-opted into a new Federal faceless bureaucracy system. That would require change, which we oppose, while leaving many things the same, which we also oppose."

"So in the tradition of our profession, and based on our years of training and experience, our decision is simple."

"Request denied."

Obama endorses breathing; Republicans oppose it

President Barack Obama today endorsed breathing as "a healthy activity for all Americans." In his weekly radio address he stated: "Breathing has been shown to keep people healthy, and breathing is one way every American can help keep health care costs under control."

Response was immediate and harsh.

Twelve Republican senators have vowed to hold their breaths in protest until Obama announces that people who choose not to breathe have the same rights as those who breathe.

"More hypocricy from the Left," said commentator Glen Beck. "Obama claims to be concerned about so-called global warming despite questions raised by scientists. At the same he time he encourages a practice that all scientists agree turns health-giving oxygen into a colorless, odorless gas that can kill people and animals in high concentrations and which is one of the primary causes of global warming, assuming that global warming really exists rather than being a Socialist plot to further limit our rights and expand government."

The White House has chosen not to comment, but was observed snickering.