Obama older, whiter, maler than believed

The Obama campaign is adjusting its strategy in order to show Democratic candidate Barack Obama as the most electable Democrat in a face-off with old, white, male Republican candidate John McCain. In a press conference today the campaign positioned Obama as “older, whiter, and maler than people think.”

In a press conference today, Obama spokesperson John Levitt was joined by Hilton Prescott, chief scientist at the Oreo Institute, which measures the color-ratio of people who are black on the outside and white on the inside, Rocky Burke of the Testosterone Foundation, an organization which studies the maleness of public figures, and Bob Wilson from the AARP, a lobbying group for decrepit old people.

According to The Oreo Institute, a typical Oreo has black surfaces that are twice the size of its white center, which, is why a most Oreos measure 66% black, 33% white, and one percent additives and preservatives.

But the Institute's measurements of Obama shows that he is more than 61.5% white and growing whiter by the day. “We believe his whiteness is due to several factors.” Prescott explained. “First, Obama was raised by a white mother in a single parent family; second, he went to Harvard (which alone makes him nearly 19% whiter); and third and most important, because he is committed to be as white as he needs to be to represent a mostly white American public as their president.”

The Testosterone Institute reported that they had measured the testosterone level, the primary indicator of maleness, of all the candidates, and found that Obama’s level far exceeded McCain’s, making him the more male of the two candidates. “In fact,” said Burke, “Hillary Clinton’s testosterone level exceeds McCain’s by quite a bit, which should surprise no one who has studied her career.”

The press conference continued with a discussion of Obama’s age. “If elected Obama would be older than Presidents Ulysses Grant, Theodore Roosevelt, John Kennedy, and Bill Clinton, when they took office,” Wilson said. “And if you consider the effect of Alzheimers disease on a person’s mental age, Obama is actually older than Reagan was at the end of his second term.

The Obama campaign plans a series of event to spread the news about their candidate. “Can we claim that Obama is old enough, white enough and male enough to be president?” Asked Levitt.

“Yes, we can,” he replied, indicating that the question was rhetorical.

Republicans rally around unity candidate

In the wake of Ronald Reagan’s decision not to return from the dead (see TWR article here), warring Republican factions have at last found a candidate who brings them the unity they desperately need. Republicans once again have hope.

“Bible-thumping religious Republicans who like Huckabee, tight-fisted small-government Republicans who like McCain, position-shifting corporate Republicans who like Romney, and spendthrift red-ink Republicans who once liked George W. Bush all agree that they can unite only if one candidate—a true Republican unity candidate—is nominated,” said Dean Foster, spokesman for the Committee to Save the GOP From Itself (CSGOPFI). “ We Republicans need Hillary Clinton. For the Democrats, that is.”

“We’ve known this for a long time,” said Seth Burke, who founded the Republicans for Clinton for the Democrats (RFCFD) nearly two years ago. “Given our dismal record, the scandals that have emerged since the Democrats gained a majority in Congress, and the scandals that are certain to be revealed as the election grows closer, the Republican party’s only hope is to get the Democrats to nominate someone who people can hate even more than they will hate us in six months. There’s no one else. It’s Hillary.”

“Hillary Clinton appeals to a very broad demographic, with different people hating her for different reasons,” said David Turtletaub, a political pollster. “Some hate her for who she is. Others hate her because of who her husband is. Some hate her because she is bitchy. And still others hate her because she is manipulative. She’s got something for everyone. Whether you are young, old, black, white, male or female, if you are a Republican, there’s something to hate about Hillary.

The problem facing Republicans now is to ensure Hillary’s nomination. Republicans are pouring millions of dollars into Hillary Clinton’s campaign and working to get Clinton voters to the primary polls.

“Republicans need to stop worrying about who wins the Republican nomination and start worrying about who the Democrats nominate,” said Turtletaub. “If they run against Hillary, even Fred Thompson will win. But if Obama is the candidate, they’ve got problems.”

Hillary: “I’m rubber, you’re glue”

Facing an almost certain loss in a recent debate with candidate Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton finally found her voice. Turning to her opponent, she said: “I’m rubber, you’re glue. Everything bounces off me, and sticks to you.”

The stunned Obama was silent for a moment, and Clinton made a bold and risky move to press her advantage. She took him by the hand and said: “Touching black, no backs.”

“Clinton’s comment was clearly a racist insult,” said Odell Brown, spokesperson for the Obama campaign following the debate which analysts say that Clinton ultimately won. “Clinton is a racist, should be ashamed of herself.”

“She’s rubber, you’re glue,” said Carpenter Dillon, for the Clinton campaign. “What you just said just bounced off her and it’s sticking to you. So you’re a racist and should be ashamed of yourself. Nya nya. No backs.”

To guard against the rubber-glue strategy being used against her in the election, Clinton has registered herself as rubber and each of her potential Republican opponents as glue with the previously unknown Federal Office of Rubber and Glue, created by her husband during his first term.

The office, with a budget of $100M a year is responsible for enforcing “I’m rubber, you’re glue,” declarations throughout the United States.

It has no jurisdictional power over the rest of the world, and has refused to honor a declaration by Osama bin Laden that he is rubber and that George W. Bush is glue because bin Laden was in a cave in Afghanistan when he said it.

Republicans want Reagan to return from dead

Faced with splintered party and no unifying candidate, some Republican leaders are asking Ronald Reagan to return from the dead and head their ticket in November.

“Even dead, he’s the best candidate we’ve got,” said Daniel Rivers, chairman of the Committee to Resurrect Ronald Reagan Committee (CRRRC). “He’s the one person that people seem to be willing to rally around.”

Reagan, who was the 40th president of the United States, was not only popular with Republicans, but captured the admiration of many Democrats. He died in 2004. If re-elected, he would be 97 years old, more than 20 years older than the oldest Republican contender, John McCain.

“No one's denying that Reagan would be older than McCain,” said Rivers, “but McCain might die in office, leaving who-knows-what vice-president behind him. “Reagan’s already dead, so dying in office won't be a problem.”

“Reagan brings experience, charisma, and conservative credentials,” said Amanda Winter, another CRRRC member. “While he’s probably rotted quite a bit, I think the American people will not hold that against him.”

The former president says he is honored to be asked, according to Daniel Imelt, the psychic who communicates with him by Ouija board. “Reagan says he has not made up his mind on whether to run,” says Imelt. “Actually he said 'I have not made up my mind, assuming that I still have a mind,'” Imelt said. “Death has not slowed his wit.”

But not everyone agrees that Reagan is the best choice. “We’ve already tried a dead candidate,” said Andy Maroni, who works on the John McCain campaign, “and Fred Thompson couldn’t do it. It’s hard to believe that Reagan will be much better.