Pictures no longer worth 1000 words

Driven by rapidly increasing numbers of digital photographs, the benchmark Canon-Webster Picture-Words Index fell below 1000 words per picture for the first time today. Analysts expect it to go lower.

“It’s going a lot lower,” confirmed trader Byron Franklin. “We expect one picture to be worth as few as 100 words by the end of this year and drop further the next year.”

Data from the Sony-Webster futures market backs up Franklin’s view. Contracts for June pictures are trading for two hundred words per picture (WPP), and contracts for January 2009 picture are at an all-time low of 10 WPP. The January drop is based on projected digital camera gift-giving, snap-shooting and image-uploading next Christmas. Picture options and other picture derivatives show similar downward trends.

“This is the worst news we've had since a stitch in time saved only 8.7,” said Franklin.

A stitch in time currently trades at a historically low 2.3.

Edwards: “I promise to repeal unfair laws”

Democratic candidate John Edwards has promised that when he is elected he will work to repeal all unfair laws within thirty days. “This country is in trouble for one reason, and one reason only,” said Edwards in his new stump speech. “We have unfair laws that hurt us all.”

Among the laws cited by Edwards are the Law of Supply and Demand, The Law of Diminishing Returns, the Law of Conservation of Matter, the Law of Conservation of Energy, and the Law of Unintended Consequences.

“The Law of Unintended Consequences is the worst and it hurts us each and every day,” said Edwards. “I speak from personal experience. When I voted to invade Iraq, for example, I wanted to look like a patriotic American and support a quick victory. But due to the Law of Unintended Consequences I looked like a jerk and Iraq is a mess. That’s certainly not what I had in mind.”

According to Edwards, the Law of Unintended Consequences must be repealed first, so that the repealing the other laws will improve rather than destroy the economy, an possibly the universe.

Edwards, who has upbraided corporations for their “slavish obedience” to the law of Supply and Demand, the Law of Conservation of Matter the Law of Conservation of Energy and other laws believes that repealing the laws will fix the problem. “When we go to the greedy oil corporations and tell them to bring gasoline prices down to a more affordable 30 cents a gallon, they hide behind these laws and tell us we can’t do it. If we repeal these laws and replace them with better ones there will be no place to hide.”

Edwards campaign is not limiting itself to the repeal of the laws of physics and economics. “The laws of logic have to go too,” said a spokesperson. “They limit our policy options. Once we repeal the Aristotelian Law of Identity, then something can be other than itself. When we repeal the Law of Non-Contradiction, then something can be its opposite. And when we repeal the Law of The Excluded Middle then we can make statements that are neither true nor false, but something entirely different.”

“If we can just repeal these unfair laws we can eliminate poverty without incurring costs, balance the budget while increasing spending, end global warming without changing our lifestyle, both agree and disagree with any position at the same time without being hypocritical, leave Iraq immediately and completely while maintaining a large force that can keep the country stable and democratic, and ensure that any future policy proposal, no matter how wacky, makes total sense.”

Coughlin: Giants have plan to almost beat Patriots

Speaking to an attentive press corps, Giants’ coach Tom Coughlin announced that his team had developed a new game plan that was “certain to almost beat the Patriots.”

“We’ve spent the whole week studying all of the ways that some teams—including our own—have manage to almost beat them, and how the Patriots have adapted,” said Coughlin.

“There are a lot of elements to almost beating them, not just one. And they keep changing what you have to do to almost beat them. They’re a very, very tough team to almost beat,” he concluded..

“So we’ve looked at all the teams that almost beat the Patriots, the Colts in week 9, the Eagles in week 12, the Ravens in week 13, us in Week 16, and the Chargers in the playoffs, found that they all almost beat them in different ways. Then we came up with a new way to almost beat them that combines some of these things and some new things as well. With this game plan we're confident we can once again almost beat them.”

“Of course a lot of the key to almost beating them is attitude. I've talked to every person on our team and our coaching staff and we're all totally committed to almost beating the Patriots in the Super Bowl and almost spoiling their perfect season.”

“Now we just have to go out and execute.”

Bush loses Mideast peace plan before trip to region

What some have described as an “inspired plan to bring peace to the Middle East” was lost by President George W. Bush shortly before his trip to the region last week, The Wolf Report has learned. The plan, which Bush wrote on a single sheet of paper shortly after God revealed it to him in a dream, was either lost on the way to Andrews Air Force Base or on Bush's Air Force One flight to Israel.

“From what I have heard, it was a brilliant plan,” said a White House Source, who did not actually see the plan, but heard about it from someone who had not seen it either. “It would have brought peace to the region in just a few months, or at least that’s what I’ve been told. This loss has set this effort back substantially, from what I understand, by at least by several years, and possibly as much as a century.”

A thorough search of Air Force One by the Secret Service was unable to discover the Mideast peace plan, though it did turn up several other presidential plans including Richard Nixon’s secret plan for ending the war in Viet-Nam and George Bush senior’s plan to beat Bill Clinton in the 1992 election. The FBI is searching the route from the White House to Andrews where Bush boarded Air Force One, in hopes of finding the plan.

Anyone finding a piece of paper titled "Mideast Peace Plan" should call the White House and speak to the president’s Special Assistant for Inspired Plans.

Anyone who finds the plan should call the White House switchboard and inform the president’s Special Assistant for Inspired Plans.

New staph not just for gays

In a press conference held this morning, MRSA (methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus) has denied that it is a gay disease.

"We do not target any social, ethnic, religious, political, or economic group," said an MSRA spokescolony from its Petri dish. "We attack everyone the same way: with the full intention of bypassing the body's defenses, invading its systems, and spreading throughout the organism. We do not target gays. In fact many of our cells have said that they would themselves be gay if they weren't busy reproducing assexually."

To underscore its support for the gay community the staphlococcus strain will be attending a gay rights rally in San Francisco next week and a Republican Party fund raiser to be hosted by Senator Larry Craig.

New wall found in China

Authorities at the Chinese Ministry of Culture have announced the discovery of a one mile long protective wall more than a thousand years older than the 4,000 mile long Great Wall of China. The new wall is larger than any of the other, recently discovered Walls of China, including the two hundred foot long Little Wall of China, the 50 foot long Tiny Wall of China and the two foot long Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Wall of China.

The archaeologists who discovered the new wall had proposed naming it the Mediocre Wall of China but the Ministry of Culture has reserved that name for a rumored wall one tenth as high and half as long as the Great Wall. The newly discovered wall will be called either the Not So Great Wall of China or the So-so Wall of China. The wall will be open to the public in time for for the Olympics.

Clinton’s voice found again after being misplaced in Michigan

The voice that presidential candidate Hillary Clinton found in a snow bank in New Hampshire and which helped in her surprising victory in the primary there was the target of an intensive search by Clinton campaign staffers after the former first lady discovered that she had left it somewhere in Michigan.

“I’m just not used to remembering to take my new voice with me after I talk to people,” said Clinton, who gave several speeches and more than a dozen interviews before realizing that she was speaking with the old, bitchy voice that she’d used for many years.

“As soon as I realized I’d misplaced my new voice,” said Clinton, “I had my campaign staff stop everything, work over time, and search for it. They located it fourteen hours later in a coffee shop in Lansing where a waitress working the lunch shift had been using it to boost her tips.

“I think Hillary Clinton’s voice is even better for this experience,” said a Clinton campaign staffer. “If you listen to it now, you can hear an even greater sense of vulnerability. This is what a female presidential candidate’s voice needs to have in order to make her not seem like a cold, heartless, ambitious, calculating bitch.”

Bellichick strategy: score more points

The Wolf Report has discovered that the New England Patriots’ plan this season has been to win each game by scoring more points than the opposition. Under close questioning by The Wolf Report, Patriots coach Bill Bilichick has now confirmed the strategy. “I think most teams have figured out that what we’re doing by now,” said Belichick, “so I don’t think I have to keep it a secret.”

Belichick developed the strategy last season after analyzing the Patriots’ playoff loss to the Indianapolis Colts. “I kept asking myself: ‘How did we lose this one?’” Said Belichick. “We’d racked up so many yards, scored so many points, everything. So I went back and studied the game films and I got an idea. Then I looked at every game that we’d played since I got to the Patriots. In retrospect the pattern was clear: whenever we scored more points than the opposing team, we won the game. Whenever we didn’t, we lost. If you check the playoff films you’ll see that as well as we did, Indy scored more points, and that’s how they beat us.”

At the start of the season Belichick gathered his coaching staff and to try to get them to buy into his strategy. “At first, we were like, no way!” Said Dean Pees, Patriots Defensive Coordinator. “But Bill pulled out all the data he’d collected and showed us that winning had nothing to do with the number of times we blitzed, or sacks, or yards allowed, or even points allowed. It was simply a matter of who scores the most points.”

“That’s been pretty much the plan for season,” confirmed Tom Brady, the Patriots’ quarterback. “Coach told us: score more points than they do, and we’ll win. A couple of times when we were behind Coach said: “Score another touchdown and we’ll win.’ And I did, because I trust Coach. So far, he’s been right every time.”

Giuliani campaign calls for water boarding in place of debates

Citing the ease with which candidates can change their positions during debates in response to polls and surveys, a spokesperson for the Giuliani presidential campaign has proposed replacing the current debate format with televised water boarding.

“As most of us know,” said James McKee, Director of Desperate Measures for the Giuliani campaign, “water boarding helps obtain information that is difficult to get by other means. And what information could be move valuable to the American people than the true positions of candidates on such topics as 9/11, terrorism, the 9/11 terrorist attacks, attacks by terrorists such as the ones on 9/11, and other things such as the economy or whatever?”

“In our proposed format,” McKee continued, “candidates would be given two minutes to state their position on a topic such as Islamo-fascistic terrorist attacks on large buildings in New York City, for example. Then they would be water boarded for twenty minutes to find out what they really believed.”

“We believe this will not only help the American people discover what the candidates really believe, it will raise the debates’ low ratings and get more Americans involved.”