Wolf Report Settles Strike

Just a few hours after a landmark deal between the Writers' Guild of American and the David Letterman Show was announced (see story) The Wolf Report Writers' Guild of America, Europe and The Rest of The World and The Wolf Report announced they had reached their own agreement.

Under the terms of the agreement, Guild members may earn up to double their fee from The Wolf Report but only when they write things that are up to twice as funny.

"We believe that this is a fair agreement," wrote Dane Horowitz, spokesman for the Guild in an initial attempt to double his fee.

North Pole outsourcing strategy in trouble

A scheme to cut costs and raise profits by outsourcing the North Pole’s toy manufacturing and purchasing has run into serious problems. Millions of kids may pay the price when they get gift cards and off-brand toys on Christmas morning.

“Kids love gift cards,” said an unidentified spokesperson for Santa Claus’s company, North Pole Logistic Management LLC (NPLMLLC), which that has managed manufacturing, purchasing and delivery contracts for Christmas for the past hundred years. “And a Woo game console from China is every bit as good as a Wii from Japan.”

“Gift cards suck,” says one twelve-year old asked about the substitution. “And I better get Wii or there’s going to be trouble at school—if you know what I mean.”

According to Sven Lundgren, an elf who has worked in the North Pole corporate offices of NPLMLLC for more than 20 years, problems first emerged at NPLMLLC in November when elves in the incoming inspection department found toys that were painted with toxic paint, had sharp corners, and were made with small detachable parts that could choke children.

Investigation revealed that the problems were widespread and that third world wholesalers were substituting off-brand toys for the name-brand toys specified by the corporate elves.

“We stand ready to save Christmas,” said Ole Petersen the elf who heads the International Brotherhood of Elven Toymakers, AFL-CIO. “Santa needs to pay us a living wage, time and a half for overtime, reinstate our health benefits, and make a contribution to the pension fund to account for the months we've been out of work.”

Santa was not available for comment, but through a spokesperson said “Ho! Ho! Ho!”

Iraqis not being killed in record numbers

More than 26,883,383 Iraqis were not killed yesterday in terrorist attacks according to a report released by the office of the Surgin' General. This is the largest number of Iraqis not killed by terrorists in a single day.

“This is part a trend that's been continuing since the surge began,” said Colonel John Davenport, a spokesman for the office of the Surgin’ General. “Not only are Iraqi non-deaths from terrorism rising dramatically, but we’re also seeing a similar increase in the number of Iraqis who are not maimed, not wounded and not kidnapped.”

While Davenport attributes the increase entirely to the effectiveness of the surge others are not so sure. “With Iraq’s population growing at 2.6% annually, or at nearly 2,000 people per day, it would be astonishing not see more Iraqis not being killed.” said John Webster, a vocal critic of the war. “There are just more of them.”

The Surgin’ General’s office also reported that 312,212 Americans in Iraq—including military personnel and more than 150,000 Halliburton employees—were also not killed yesterday.

IRA bombers convert to Islam

Members of the Irish Republican Army (IRA) who call themselves the “Bloody Sunday Brigade” announced today that they have converted from Catholicism to Islam. They plan to resume killing civilians after they return from this year’s Hajj.

“Our goal remains the same,” an unidentified spokesperson for the group told The Wolf Report, “and that is to kill as many innocent people as it takes for Ireland to be free. But our ways have to change with the times. Islam is a more popular religion for terrorists than is Catholicism, so we’ve converted.”

“We welcome the former infidel dogs of the Bloody Sunday Brigade to the Umma, the community of believers,” said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for al-Qaeda No Liability Corporation (NLC). “We hope they will be successful.”

Belichick accused of point shaving

Controversy erupted following the New England Patriots’ 56-10 win over the Buffalo Bills, when Patriots Coach Bill Belichick was accused of point shaving.

Point shaving is the illegal practice of reducing a game’s point difference below the “spread,” a gambling handicap that gives those who bet on a weaker team a chance to win. The spread for the New England-Buffalo game was 105 points.

“The score should have been something like 150-3,” said Mildred Terpin, a Patriots fan who mortgaged her house, cashed in her life insurance policy, and sold her entire stock portfolio to bet that the Patriots would beat the spread. “Why did he let them off so easy?”

“The Pats’ low score was a complete surprise to everyone” said Charles “Big Charlie” D’Amato, spokesman for the National Federation of Bookies and Handicappers (NFBH), “and it once again brings Coach Belichick’s integrity into question.”

Belichick was accused of videotaping opposing teams’ defensive signals earlier this year and fined $500,000 or approximately 3% of what a coach can make from point shaving.

“We’re just taking things one game at a time,” Belichick said at the Patriots-Bills post-game press conference and at every press conference for his entire career. “There’s another game next week, and that’s all I’m thinking about.”

The Patriots play the Eagles next week. The spread is currently 310 points.

Photo: Silas216 on Flickr

Iraqis believe that war is going well

According to White House sources Iraqis now believe that the war is going well and that the country is on the right road to being stabilized and turning into a representative democracy that will be a model for the Middle East. The surge strategy that deployed an additional 20,000 troops in Iraq is believed to have caused these changes.

“We have not believed this in the past,” said Hamid Saddar, one of the two Iraqis surveyed, “but I now believe that the war is going very well; and I believe that the country is on the right road to being stabilized; and I believe that it is turning into a representative democracy that will be a model for the Middle East.; and I very definitely believe that the surge strategy that deployed an additional 20,000 troops in Iraq has caused these changes.”

“I too believe the war is going very, very well,” said his brother, Muhammad. “I also believe that the country is very much on the right road to being stabilized; and I too believe that it is very much turning into a representative democracy that will be a model for the Middle East; and I most very, very definitely believe that the surge strategy that deployed an additional 20,000 troops in Iraq has caused these changes. Most certainly that is what I believe.”

“I also believe that we were not paid enough to say this,” said Hamid. “There are some very bad people out there who will kill people who say things like this if they find out. I hope they do not read any report of this because if they do they will probably kill us. Even though I did not give my true name I think we are taking a big risk. It was a lot of money, some might say, but not really enough.”

“I too believe we were not paid enough,” said Muhammad. “It is very dangerous and we were paid not nearly enough. Most certainly we were not paid enough. There are more and more very, very bad people out there every day who could kill us. But perhaps we will not be killed, and there will be other things that need to be said and perhaps next time we will be paid enough when we say those things.”

“But probably not,” said Hamid.

“Yes, I agree, probably not,” agreed Muhammad. “Most certainly probably not.”

Al-Qaeda books Tuesday

How does Osama bin Laden manage to look so slim, fit, and healthy? Al-Qaeda NLC (No Liability Corporation) says his secrets will be revealed next Tuesday when they publish two new books: “The Tora Bora Diet: the al-Qaeda Way to Lose Weight Fast,” and “Osama’s Exercise Plan: Losing Weight Fast the al-Qaeda Way.”

“These programs are practically miraculous” said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for al-Qaeda NLC. “One woman lost nearly 125 pounds on the program, and many others have had similar weight losses.”

“We’re looking into these books carefully,” said Janet Dowd of the Consumer Protection Agency. “While it’s true that working out while wearing an explosive vest—as Osama’s Exercise Plan recommends—can help lose weight faster than exercise alone, we think that the added risk may not worth the benefit. The woman that al-Qaeda cites lost her weight in a very short time when her vest suddenly exploded leaving only her head. Such a quick loss of weight may be unhealthy.”

“In addition,” Dowd continued, “the meals in the Tora Bora diet include poisonous chemicals and substances that—when mixed in the presence of stomach acid—can explode violently. These techniques certainly will cause fast weight loss, so al-Qaeda is not making any false claims. If they were, we’d be on them in a minute. Still, we think that—considering the source of these books—that we need to look into this more carefully. There may be some trick involved.”

“There are no tricks” responded Gaith. “These books are based on proven techniques. In field trials thousands of people have lost weight rapidly. This is our way to spread the benefit.”

CBOT opens stupidity futures market

The Chicago Board of Trade (CBOT), which manages the nation’s commodity markets, has launched the nation’s first stupidity futures market. The market will regulate and standardize the purchase and sale of future stupidity.

“The demand for stupidity during the current election is already at an all time high,” said Bjork Bjornson, an open market stupidity trader. “More and more people are looking for 30-second answers to increasing complex questions, and that requires stupidity on all sides.”

“We’ve also seen that the candidate who says the stupidest things often gets elected,” he continued, “so we can expect the demand for stupidity to go up as the election gets closer.”

“For example, we see the Democratic candidates using large amounts of stupidity against their primary opponents rather than Republicans; that takes a special kind of stupidity. And we see from futures contracts that the Republicans are planning for a huge surge in stupidity on their own as critical primaries approach.”

“What should investors do?” We asked him.

“Invest in stupidity,” he replied. “It’s going to be in demand like never before.”

Rockies protest Sox win: “Belichick cheated”

The Colorado Rockies baseball team has issued a formal protest to Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig alleging that the Rockies’ base runner and catcher-pitcher signals were stolen—probably by Coach Bill Belichick of the New England Patriots—and provided to the Red Sox coaching staff. The Rockies want the series played over again while Belichick is kept under surveillance.

“While we have no actual evidence of cheating,” said Arnold Thomas, spokesperson for the Rockies, “actual evidence is no longer necessary in America. Rumors are sufficient. If the fact that Belichick might have cheated is good enough for a sports icon like Don Shula, it should be good enough for Bud Selig.”

Some News on “No News November Ninth”

The call for “No News November Ninth” that The Wolf Report reported (here) was heeded by billions of people—including the entire staff of The Wolf Report—who did nothing noteworthy that day. who did nothing noteworthy that day.

Unfortunately the day’s perfection was spoiled by several hundred thousand people who killed, maimed, stole, cheated, lied, won or lost sporting events, or otherwise spoiled what would have been a day of utter calm.

“I was thinking of like discovering a cure for like cancer or like building like some kind of space ship,” said Ted Brewster, an unemployed day laborer, one of the billions who participated in the day's events. “Then I like heard about the no news thing, and said like ‘What the fuck! I'll do it another day’ and like turned over and caught another eight hours of sack time.”

But not everyone was that committed to calming the earth on November Ninth. Ray Jefferson (not his real name) shot his brother-in-law early that morning. “I don't care what fucking day it was,” he said. “The sonuvabitch deserved it.”

According to World Health Organization (WHO) spokesperson Akidje Olotunje, “We will try again next year.”

Kidnapping interrupts publication schedule

The Wolf Report’s stream of postings was interrupted after al-Qaeda terrorists broke into The ReportPlex, the base of The Wolf Report publishing empire, kidnapped the Blog’s entire editorial and publication staff, and held them hostage for several days.

“It was devastating,” said Leonard Cohen (no relation to the song writer of the same name), The Wolf Report’s fashion editor. “Terrorists, wearing bin Laden Design’s bright new Fall 2007 suicide bomb vests, broke into our newsroom waving automatic weapons with burnished metal stocks and multicolored designer slings made of ballistic nylon, and forced us into a waiting fleet of helicopters decorated in a somewhat retro style reminiscent of Sikorsky’s classic ‘Airlift’ look.”

“It was horrifying,” said Nancy Drew (no relation to the fictional character of the same name), travel editor for The Wolf Report. “They took us to a nearby airport where impeccably courteous terrorist attendants seated us in wide, comfortable seats in the luxurious al-Qaeda Air (AQA) modified 747 wide-body that the terror network rightly considers the jewel of their fleet. After a delectable seven course dinner, in-flight entertainment that included hilarious spoof of the Iraq invasion with English subtitles, and a refreshing nap in seats that folded flat into comfortable beds, we landed at the just-completed airfield that adjoins the new Tora Bora Cave Complex and Theme Park where we were to endure our incarceration.”

“It was terrifying,” said Amadji Rhamadaja (no relation to anyone with that or any other name), who helps keep The Wolf Report’s Workplace Diversity Index above 6. “The terrorists fed and pampered us for two days while giving us many good ideas for satirical articles about the Bush administration before flying us back to The ReportPlex where they ordered us back to work.”

“Unfortunately we were not able to meet Osama himself because he and his closest aides were preparing for a traditional Islamic celebration by attaching laser beams to the heads of sharks.”

The Wolf Report will return to its regular publication schedule of “sparodically” with this issue unless there is either an alien abduction or some other reason.

Zbrakzzz cancel invasion plan

The Zbrakzzz, a race from the galaxy known to earthling astronomers as Arp 87 (see image, right) and to Zbrakzzzian astronomers as Gfruniazzzybbbyqqyuf 91, have canceled their plans to invade earth—or Ggorrvvv, as they call it, and enslave all of its people.

“Due to what you Ggorrvvvians call ‘global warming’ said the Ultimate Grand Vgozzz, speaking on behalf of the Zbrakzzz Unified World Government, “we believe that Ggorrvvv will be too hot for us Zbrakzzz in about six months. Also, carbon dioxide makes us fart. So we’re not coming. Please cancel the reservations.”

Political analysts on Zbrakzzz have been speculating that the Zbrakzzz Unified World Government would invade Ggorrvvv ever since the Penultimate Lesser Vgozzz made a speech claiming that we were developing Weapons of Mass Destruction and were a danger to Gfruniazzzybbbyqqyuf 91 and other nearby galaxies.

“It’s a common ploy,” said Bggurggguggurrr 546, a reporter for the Zbrakzzz Sun-Times, a Rupert Murdoch publication. “But hardly anyone in the universe other than the sea worms of Kgkkluxxian 15 can be fooled by that one any more.” (Hubble image of Gfruniazzzybbbyqqyuf 91 courtesy of NASA and STScI)

Woman jailed for late-term abortion

A Texas woman has been jailed for carrying out a late-term abortion. The woman, Gail Bennett, has been released on bail. The fetus, Dean Bennet, was 27 years old.

“A 27-year-old is a human being,” said Amanda McPherson of the Coalition for the Preservation of Life and Election of One Issue Religious Conservatives. “A 27-year-old can’t be called a fetus.”

“I’m his mother, said Bennett, “and I can call him whatever I want to call him. And as for calling that fetus a human being—let me tell you that no human being would ever have treated his mother the way that he treated me, forgetting my birthday in 1997, sending me cheap gifts on Mothers day two different years, and then marrying Lisa, that bitch-slut, over my objections.”

“This is an attempt to control a woman’s reproductive rights,” said Marjorie Anderson, a spokesperson for the Coalition for Reproductive Rights and Election of One Issue Secular Liberals. “A woman has the right to her own body, and that fetus has been giving Gail such heart palpitations since he married that bitch-slut that the poor woman could not sleep at night. She needed to terminate the pregnancy to protect her health.”

“The question of when life begins has always been a difficult one,” said Professor Eli Forrester, prestigious ethicist and founder of the Association of Prestigious Ethicists. “Christian belief holds that life begins at conception; Jewish tradition holds that a fetus can not be aborted until it completes medical school; and the Umgabi, an African tribe studied mainly by prestigious ethicists, such as myself, believe that the Boston Red Sox will win the World Series twice before their chief god, oddly named Big Pappi, will carry out an abortion by global Dilation and Curettage.”

Pakistani suicide bomber reassembled by NTSB

The National Traffic Safety Board (NTSB), which reassembles airplanes after catastrophic crashes has reconstructed the suicide bomber who attacked Pakistani leader Benazir Bhutto.

“We were fortunate to find the bomber’s head intact,” said Chip Ramone, head of the NTSB team that reconstructed the terrorist. “This gave us a good place to start. The rest was the result of the kind of careful work that we’re accustomed to, complicated by the fact that it was very difficult to tell which blobs of flesh or chunks of bone came from the bomber and which from his victims.”

According to the NTSB the bomber was a Pakistani hermaphrodite, seventeen feet tall, weighing 820 lbs., and easily distinguished by his four arms and three legs.

Pakistani officials say that it will not be difficult to find a man matching this unusual description and already claim to have several leads.

Al-Qaeda announces new social networking sites

Al-Qaeda No Liability Corporation (NLC) has announced three new Internet services for terrorists: an Internet terrorist social network called MyCave, a terrorist blog search called terrorati, and a social bookmarking service called mal.icio.us. All services will carry the al-Qaeda terror brand.

“These services unite the al-Qaeda terrorist network with other terrorist networks and with individual terrorists, creating both a worldwide social terrorist community and more efficient use of scarce terrorist resources,” said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for al-Qaeda, NLC. “Without mal.icio.us, for example, a terrorist looking for a good way to build a good dirty bomb might spend weeks Googling phrases like ‘dirty bomb’ that lead to high PageRank CIA sites with misleading information. With terrorati, the tag ‘dirtybomb’ leads the terrorists right to the most useful pages, as ranked by peers.”

The terrorati Blog search engine will help terrorists find the most popular terror Blogs so they can ‘learn from the experts.’ MyCave will let terrorists create their own home pages, share music and pictures with other terrorists, and find and identify to ‘friends’ with whom they can collaborate on social outrages. All three services will be supported by advertising, mainly by US based weapons and explosive companies.

"These announcements along with other al-Qaeda NLC announcements (TWR stories here, and here) are a sign that something big is up with al-Qaeda NLC, said Hamid Al Qadari, analyst for international hedge fund Taliban Caves Partners (TCP). “We think that it may be the expected IPO (see TWR story).

Al-Qaeda announces OpenIED project

Al-Qaeda No Liability Corporation (NLC) has announced version 1.0 of OpenIED, the Open Source Improvised Explosive Device project.

“OpenIED will help terrorists of all kinds build low cost and high quality IEDs,” said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for al-Qaeda, NLC. “OpenIED devices will be free as in speech, and would be free as in beer if we Muslims drank beer, which we don’t. So maybe free as in humus, if that makes any sense, which it doesn’t.”

OpenIED will be licensed to terrorists under the Guerilla Public License or GPL, which guarantees that all contributions to the OpenIED project by one faction can be used to kill members of any other faction, including the contributors.

US proposes waterboarding for 2008 Olympics

The United States Olympic Committee has proposed individual and team waterboarding for the 2008 Olympics, and has announced that Mr. X, an undercover CIA operative, will coach the US team.

“Competitive waterboarding has a great history and a great future,” said Mr. X in an encrypted email to The Wolf Report. “Unfortunately its history is classified and its future soon will be.”

According to the International Torture and Interrogation Association (ITIA), waterboarding began during the Spanish Inquisition (1478-1834) and like any sophisticated interrogation technique it has been modified and refined over the years. “It’s no more fair to compare Spanish-Inquisition-era waterboarding with modern waterboarding,” said James Thatcher, President of the ITIA. “than it would be to compare the Spanish-Inquisition-era basketball with today’s more sophisticated game.”

What started as an interrogation technique became a competitive sport when CIA interrogators formalized ad-hoc lunchtime waterboarding sessions and adopted standardized waterboarding rules. In 1992 the first waterboarding tournament was held at the CIA’s Langley, Virginia headquarters. The name of the winner is TOP SECRET. Since then, tournaments have been held every year. Then names of winners in subsequent years are merely SECRET.

“As more and more people in Iraq and Afghanistan are exposed to waterboarding” said Mr. X, “interest in the sport is growing. We expect vigorous competition in the Olympics, but due to our years of experience and superior training techniques, we will win.”

God denied further funding for “human” experiment

The Celestial Academy of Sciences (CAS) has declined to provide God with funding to continue the “human” experiment on the planet “earth.” Without funding, the fate of the project is in doubt.

“The experiment was designed to show what a creature that evolved from slime mold was capable of,” said a burning bush, speaking on behalf of God. “We’ve shown that these creatures can not only develop poetry, literature, and art, but also Tetris, the Internet, YouTube, and Gogol Bordello. With additional funding God believes that these creatures might be able to create a sustainable culture.”

“While the experiment has produced interesting results,” said a being whose nominator can not be represented in a space of fewer then 11 dimensions, “the Celestial Administration feels that God has crossed the boundaries of good science in several areas: first, when She allowed subjects on Earth to worship Her; second, when She encouraged groups who worshiped her in different ways to slaughter one another; and third when she allowed the dodo to go extinct. Many of us liked the dodo. As a result, we have decided not to provide further funding for the experiment.”

Asked for her reaction, God said only that She was “considering her alternatives.”

DHS tests changing threat levels

The Department of Homeland Stupidity (DHS) is carrying out a series of limited tests of changed threat warning levels. The tests are being run to provide DHS bureaucrats with something new bungle.

Under the DHS’s current threat warning system (see graphic at right and DHS explanation, here), the threat level color has never been lower than Yellow since the so-called “Traffic Lights of Death” were created shortly after 9-11. The traffic lights have been Red several times and have been Orange for international air travel ever since the number of air attacks stayed dramatically at zero for no reason. No one understands what the colors actually mean since all levels of terrorist attacks seems to correlate to “almost none except in Iraq.”

During the tests, which have already begun, threat levels in specific regions of the United States are moved up and down for short periods of time to see whether anyone notices . “We have several hypotheses that we are trying to test,” said a DHS spokesperson trying to justify the outrageous expense of the program by using big words that sound scientific. “One hypothesis is that anyone who changes behavior in a way that correlates with changes in threat color is a terrorist. Another hypothesis is that nobody gives a shit.”

Romney to Giuliani: “Turncoat!”

Reveling his vicarious personal victory over the Colorado Rockies in the World Series, Sox fan and former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney criticized turncoat Yankees fan and former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani for saying that he (Giuliani) would “root for the Red Sox” in the Series.

“This—even more than his three marriages and his numerous other flip-flops—shows Giuliani’s utter lack of commitment.” said Romney. “Before rooting for the Yankees, a true Sox fan like me would—in this order—a) hope for the immediate and violent death of all members of the hated Yankees team, b) hope that the National League team would beat the hated Yankees by hundreds of runs in each game, and c) pray for the immediate end of civilization or the complete destruction of the universe, whichever could more effectively prevent the hated Yankees from scoring a single run, much less actually winning. I would take poison before I would root for them.”

“A man who would so easily abandon his team, even if it was the hated Yankees, and who would--as the result of the simple misfortune of having been drummed out of the playoffs--hope for the victory of a despised rival might well—if elected president and suffering the smallest of reverses—abandon the United States and start rooting for al-Qaeda.”

“Mayor Giuliani’s decision to support the Red Sox,” said a Giuliani campaign spokesperson, “had nothing to do with the fact that the New York primary is sewed up, Colorado is irrelevant to his coronation as the Republican nominee, and he needs to find ways to suck up to the voters in New England who might well have been fooled by his posturing if I had not just said what I just said.”

“Ooops," he continued, embarrassed, "can that be off the record?”

“Please!!”

Terrorist Follows GI Home

In a chilling fulfillment of predictions made by supporters of the Iraq war, an al-Qaeda terrorist has followed a returning American soldier home from Iraq. The terrorist, Mohammed Faleh, appeared Sunday afternoon outside the home of infantryman Lewis Jacobi, recently returned from his third tour of duty

“He introduced himself very politely,” said Jacobi’s wife Amy, “and explained how he’d followed Lew home. So Lew and I invited him in to watch the Jets game and have some ribs. He was really quite nice—especially considering he’s an al-Qaeda terrorist.”

“With trans-Atlantic airfares at an all-time low thanks to deregulation’s fostering increased competition among air carriers,” said Faleh in halting English, “we terrorists can cost-effectively follow American soldiers home. But then what? I am the first of my family to come to America. I have no cousins driving taxicabs in New York. So how do I get a job? What do I do?”

“That’s where we come in,” said Amy Ledbetter spokesperson for the Terrorist Assistance League (TAL), a member of the Alliance of Bleeding Heart Liberal Charities (ABHLC). “We help terrorists like Mohammed get jobs, buy consumer goods, and quickly ssive credit-card debt—so quickly that they have no time to train to fly planes into skyscrapers or plant bombs in subways.”

“This is a chilling fulfillment of the predictions we have made,” said Amos Devlin, spokesperson for the administration. “To prevent more al-Qaeda terrorists from following more Americans home, all leaves and duty rotations from Iraq are cancelled until further notice”

TWR Research Report: Technology is helping geeks get laid

Thousands of years ago cave geeks got slammed into rocks; dozens of years ago high-school geeks got slammed into lockers; and until very recently the choice that paleogeeks made—to evolve big brains instead of big muscles or big penises—looked like it wasn’t a good one. But the steady march of geek innovation, from yesterday’s wheel to today’s feature-phone has changed all that.

Big-brained geeks have now made the world technology-dependent—and geek-dependent, too. And that means that hot babes—who used to make fun of geeks—now need them, want them, and will perform sex acts with them just to make sure they can get high quality tech support.

“Sweet!” Said the individual known only by his handle, Ubergeek. He’s one of the geeks who create technology products that are both highly desirable to beautiful women and impossible to use without geek assistance.

“If a hot babe needs Windows configured,” Ubergeek explained, “or her address book switched to her new phone, or her MySpace home page fixed the way she wants, she knows that her handsome, muscular, personable jock boyfriend is going to be hopelessly inadequate when he has to face the obstacles that we geeks have put in the way of her happy, fulfilled life—just as we planned.”

“She has no choice: she has to call a geek”

Through Pavlovian conditioning and constant repetition, geeks are teaching hot chicks that they’re on their own if they mock geeks; and that a reputation for boffing geeks before, during, and after support calls gets a chick better, faster, and more personalized service.

“They learn slowly,” said Ubergeek, “but they do learn.”

Among geeks, their most honored peers are the ones at Microsoft who have created products that are nearly impossible to avoid and entirely impossible to use—without constant geek attention and accompanying sex acts.

And the most despised peers are the ones at Apple who create products that even the dumbest babes can use without geek help. “We think those engineers at Apple must all be queer,” said Ubergeek. “I can’t think of another reason they’d behave that way.”

But it’s not just hard-to-use technology that’s getting geeks laid more. As the technology craze builds the demand for products that only geeks can create, the limited supply of geeks along with the geek-created “law of supply and demand” drives geek compensation up, up, and up. Geeks who used to drive beaters now drive babe-magnet cars; savvy geeks flash the expensive high-tech bling that signals both financial and technical success to foxy women with expensive tastes and high-maintenance tech support needs. And it all leads inevitably to sex for geeks.

“It’s unfair,” said one handsome, six four jock after he lost his honey to a homely five-ten geek with a Ph.D. from MIT, a boatload of stock options, and the ability to satisfy a woman’s every tech desire. “I used to be surrounded by women, but now I call one up and she’s like ‘I’ve got this problem? I’m like booting? My PC? And, like, I get this—like—message?’ and I’m like ‘Booting?’ and she’s like ‘Goodbye, I’m calling a geek.’”

Francona: "Damon will sit out series"

In the 2004 ALCS series against the New York Yankees, with the Red Sox down three games to none, center fielder Johnny Damon (photo at right) played a crucial role in the Sox eventual victory: he scored the winning run in game five and hit two home runs, one a grand slam, in game seven, and helped fire up the team in greatest comeback in ALCS history.

But this year, with the Sox trailing a dominant Cleveland Indians team 3-1 in the ALCS, Sox coach Terry Francona kept Damon off the field. “I'm not going to play him” Francona said. “We'll win without him.” And he was right.

And Francona didn’t play him in the first game of the World Series against the Colorado Rockies either, which the Sox won without their onetime star by a crushing 13-1 score. “We don’t need him anymore,” Francona said, confidently.

“Johnny’s just not the same as he used to be,” said David Ortiz, another hero of the Sox 2004 season. “He used to be very close to all of us. Now he’s more distant.”

“He used to be the heart of this team," said Manny Ramirez, another teammate. "Now it’s like he’s not even a part of the team. He's become a stranger.”

“Damon will not play for us in the Series,” said an angry Terry Francona in an exclusive interview with The Wolf Report. “In fact, I’d be very surprised to see him on the roster at all next year. The guy he’s become doesn’t belong with a team like the Sox; he belongs with a team like the Yankees”

Thanks to Libby and Danny Santella for permission to use the photo.

“No News November Ninth” Planned

With dozens of news channels, news radio stations, news sites, news feeds, and news-oriented blogs assaulting the public, increasing stress, driving up blood pressures, and causing heart attacks, health officials have called for one day a year during which, in the words of World Health Organization (WHO) spokesperson Akidje Olotunje, “the only news will be that there was no news at all.”

WHO has proposed that governments, corporations, research institutions, and others who make news—including terrorists, rapists and serial killers—all agree to do nothing newsworthy for one day a year, to be called No News November Ninth.

“No news is good news,” said Olotunje. “That’s a quote. I didn’t make it up. Honest.”

Yankees Held Scoreless in World Series Opener

The New York Yankees were held hitless and scoreless in the first game of the 2007 World Series, played tonight. So helpless were the once mighty Yanks in the face of Colorado Rockies pitching that they failed to get a single player to first base and were unable to get close enough to the ball to even hit one foul.

“It was pretty much a dream game,” said Colorado Rockies starting pitcher Jeff Francis. “I just knew that they couldn’t touch me. It didn’t matter what I threw. They couldn’t get any wood on it.”

“I’m not surprised that the Yankees sucked so bad,” said Terry Francona, Manager of the rival Boston Red Sox. “The Yanks are a bunch of overrated, overpaid, whining prima donnas who can be counted on to fold when the pressure is on. I’m amazed that they get as far as they have gotten some years.”

"The weenies," he added.

Faced with low television ratings attributed to the Yankees' dismal performance (virtually no one admits to having seen the game), Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig is said to be considering an unprecedented move: to have the nationally beloved Red Sox play the Rockies for the balance of the Series in place of the wretched, hated, overrated, underplaying, masquerading New York Yankees.

"The weenies," added Francona, unnecessarily, but entirely accurately.

The Wolf Report Circulation Breaks the 25 Mark

Driven by its latest email subscription (see graph at right), circulation of The Wolf Report slammed through the 24 subscriber barrier, to reach 25, the very next integer after 24, according to The Wolf Report’s Internet subscription service, FeedBurner, and the International Standard Table of Integers, respectively.

“We’re very proud of this accomplishment,” said Dale Cerniak, circulation manager for The Wolf Report, and one of the thousands who helped publish the Internet news journal until his sudden dismissal for incompetence about halfway through this paragraph.

“Twenty-five is just a small beginning!” Said an enthusiastic Mary Rogers, the new circulation manager for The Wolf Report, who was appointed during the white space between paragraphs. “A journal like The Wolf Report should have millions of readers, and with my plan, we can accomplish that easily!!” Rogers yelled, even more enthusiastically.

“I’m asking each reader of The Wolf Report to get two people to subscribe, today, and then the next day, to have each of those subscribers get two more to subscribe, and so on, and if we can do that then in just 20 days—through the magic of the phrase ‘and so on’—we’ll have more than 25 million subscribers!!!" Rogers shouted, somewhat hysterically.

“Or if you readers can’t wait a whole twenty days to become part of the Internet’s most popular blog, you could get 1,000 people to subscribe today, and get each of them to get 1,000 to subscribe tomorrow, and then if you get each of them 1,000 each the next day, we’d reach the 25 billion mark by either Thursday or Friday, depending on when you read this!!!!” Rogers shrieked, jumping up and down.

“So let’s get going, readers!!!!!” Rogers screamed shrilly, and collapsed.

Gore Criticizes Californians for Burning Homes

Global warming activist Al Gore has criticized Southern Californians who are accelerating the emission of green house gases and hastening global warming by burning thousands of their homes along with hundreds of thousands of acres of scrub surrounding them.

“It’s bad enough that these people ride around in their big, gas-hungry SUV’s,” said Gore, “but to add to the world’s problem by burning their homes? What exactly do they think they are doing? They must be stopped.”

“Global warming is just another ploy, a part of the Left’s long campaign try to take away our rights,” said Brewster McLeod, spokesman for the Homeowners Rights Association. “We Americans fought for the right to burn our homes, and we’re not going to give it up so a few polar bears can live the easy life.”

President Bush has declared a state of emergency in California and has ordered the Secretary of the Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI) to fly to California to personally “light a fire under some people and get this situation handled.”

Nearly 400,000 people in the area are being been evacuated so that their homes can be burned safely.

CIA: Steel Cage Interrogation OK

General Michael V. Hayden, Director of the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) announced today that the enhanced interrogation technique called Steel Cage Interrogation was not torture. Steel Cage Interrogation can continue to be used in all CIA intelligence gathering activities.

Modeled after the steel cage wrestling matches of the World Wrestling Federation (WWF) the interrogation technique has few rules. Interrogators can lift their subjects and drop them on their backs and heads, throw them onto folding tables or ladders, or can beat with chairs and garbage pails. They can also gouge their eyes, kick them in the face, head, back and groin, twisth their arms and legs, and smash them with their forearms, but not closed fists.

To ensure that subjects are not unduly abused, Steel Cage Interrogations are supervised by referees who are selected for high levels of inattention and distractibility. If an interrogator violates one of the rules of Steel Cage Interrogation—for example by choking a subject—the referee can insist that the interrogator stop choking within thirty seconds providing that the referee happens to notice what’s going on right in front of him. Failure to pay attention to a referee’s instructions can result in the interrogator forfeiting interrogation rights and the subject being allowed to keep his secrets.

“Steel Cage Interrogation has been a powerful tool in what we like to call ‘the arsenal of democracy,’ whenever we try to fool gullible citizens by applying lofty terms to brutal practices,” said a CIA spokesperson. “SCI is not torture. If it were, it would not be on television.”

Simile mistaken for Metaphor

In a story about a severed head released yesterday (TWR story here) The Wolf Report contained this quotation:

"The severed head may not be talking right now," said a spokesman for the CIA's Department of Questionable Interrogation Practices (DQIP), "but by the time we're finished, it will be singing like a bird, metaphorically speaking, of course."

This is incorrect. "Singing like a bird" is a simile, not a metaphor. The quotation should have read:

"The severed head may not be talking right now," said a spokesman for the CIA's Department of Questionable Interrogation Practices (DQIP), who, unlike the editor of this blog, is widely believed to be too stupid to know the difference between a metaphor and a simile, "but by the time we're finished, it will be singing like a bird, metaphorically speaking, of course," he concluded, proving it.

The Wolf Report regrets the error caused by this individual's stupidity.

Bomber's Head Sent to Guantanamo for Questioning

A severed head, believed to be that of the man who blew himself up attacking Pakastani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto was discovered by police amidst the carnage. (See news story here).

To discover the attacker's identity and possible collaborators the police have circulated photographs of the head (See here).

United States President George W. Bush quickly offered to have the CIA interrogate the head using the CIA's recently developed "enhanced interrogation techniques for severed heads."

The offer was accepted by the government of Pakistan, and the head is now on its way to Guantanamo.

"The severed head may not be talking right now," said a spokesman for the CIA's Department of Questionable Interrogation Practices (DQIP), "but by the time we're finished, it will be singing like a bird, metaphorically speaking, of course."

Karachi Bomb Blasts Make Iraq, US Safer

More than 136 people were killed and as many as 500 were wounded in Karachi on Friday, as a lone suicide bomber attacked the convoy of returning Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto. (See story)

“Tragic as the bomb blasts have been for the people of Pakistan, said David Patraeus, America’s Surgin’ General (see story), Friday’s bombing means that Iraq is relatively more secure than it has been in the past.

“Just a few months ago,” he explained, “the civilian death rate in Iraq was nearly one hundred times that of Pakistan. With yesterday’s events, and some hoped-for reprisals, Baghdad will actually be safer than Karachi this week.”

“Tragic as the bomb blasts have been for the people of Pakistan,” said Maureen O’Donnell, this week’s spokesperson for the Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI), “the attack missed Washington by a full 7466 miles.

“The last major attack, in London England,” she explained, “missed us by only 3656 miles. This is clear evidence that our protective measures are working and that we are now 3810 miles safer.”

“Tragic as the bomb blasts have been for the people of Pakistan,” said George W. Bush, “especially for the dead ones,” he continued, “and for many of the ones who were wounded, especially the ones with very bad wounds, wounds were really painful and hurt a lot, and of course for their families—families that very important to people in Pakistan just like they are to Americans, even though they aren’t the same families—well,” he explained, “it’s been very tragic.”

Imaginary Characters Sue Wolf Report

George W. Bush, the imaginary president of the United States and frequent satirical target of The Wolf Report, has announced a class action suit against The Wolf Report on behalf of all The Wolf Report’s imaginary characters. He is joined in this suit by the imaginary Osama Bin Laden, imaginary officials of the imaginary Department Of Homeland Insecurity, and imaginary characters yet to be satirized.

“Unless our demands are met,” said Bush, speaking from the imaginary White House lawn, “you can only begin to imagine the consequences.”

“Of course we can imagine the consequences,” replied an Lee-Fong O’Reilly Feldman the imaginary Chinese-Irish-Jewish spokesperson for The Wolf Report. "We control The Wolf Report and we can imagine pretty much anything we want. And whatever we imagine, that's what happens. There’s nothing that Bush or any other imaginary character can do about it.

"For example," he continued, "we can imagine ending ending this post right in the middle of this sen

Al-Qaeda Outsources Terror Opertions to Blackwater

Special report from secret operative RNS.

Discouraged that its 100,000th terrorist attack had been foiled by skilled and dedicated operatives of the Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI) (see story here) al-Qaeda NLC's board of directors announced today that it was outsourcing terrorist operations to Blackwater, USA.

In a video recorded in an unidentified cave in an unidentified location, an unidentified al-Qaeda spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to be unanonymous, said that Blackwater was the logical partner to help al-Qaeda retain its majority share of the international terror market.

"This was a business decision, pure and simple,” noted the spokesman, who stipulated that these remarks were not to be attributed to him. “Blackwater has substantial assets, highly trained personnel, and a proven record for both terrorist tactics and for duping the US government, all the characteristics we needed in a partner."

Financial arrangements were resolved quickly as al-Qaeda is currently awash with money from its flag operations (story here), but compensation for martyred Blackwater operatives turned into the most difficult issue the two partners faced, the spokesman reported. Al-Qaeda had initially offered the standard Hadith-specified reward of 72 virgins per martyr (see here, here, and here for references). Blackwater accepted the offer, provided that the virgins were American. The al-Qaeda negotiating team pointed out that there were no American virgins older than age ten and offered Arab virgins instead. Blackwater refused the offer and negotiations stalled.

Finally, Osama Bin Laden personally stepped in and within 24 hours had hammered out a deal that upped the reward to 83 virgins per martyr, capped the number of martyrs based on successful missions, and gained agreement on European, Latin American and Japanese virgins.

"This will strengthen both Blackwater and al-Qaeda," said Hamid Al Qadari, analyst for international hedge fund Taliban Caves Partners (TCP).

Al-Qaeda Making Millions on US Flags

The Wolf Report has just learned that most of Al-Qaeda’s revenue comes not through criminal activities and Al-Qaeda NLC's licensing, but through shadowy network of Chinese manufacturers who sell flags to patriotic Americans. The manufacturers are owned by Al-Qaeda.

According to our investigations, 12.1% of Al-Qaeda's revenue comes from smuggling, 4.78% from kidnapping, and 10.5% from licensing (see chart). The vast majority, 83.12%, comes through the purchase of flags.

“It’s diabolical,” said the reporter for The Wolf Report who operates deep within the Al-Qaeda network and who researched the story. “Whenever Al-Qaeda attacks, Americans buy flags. Their flag money goes straight back to the Chinese manufacturers, thence to Al-Qaeda, where it is used fund more attacks, which drives the purchase of more flags.”

The process started just before the 9/11 attacks when Bin Laden himself purchased controlling interests in all of the major flag manufacturers in China on behalf of Al-Qaeda Industries, a subsidiary of Al-Qaeda, NLC. When the attacks came, American citizens, companies, and governmental bodies bought millions of flags, producing more than $100 M in profits, estimated at 10 times the cost of the entire 9/11 operation.

“From a purely financial perspective this is brilliant,” said Hamid Al Qadari, analyst for international hedge fund Taliban Caves Partners (TCP), “The 9/11 attack had a huge return on investment, not considering the increase in terror brand equity which was itself substantial. This makes terror a sustainable business and Al-Qaeda NLC an exceptional investment as long as Americans keep buying flags.” Al-Qaeda NLC is rumored to be preparing an initial public offering (here).

“It’s ironic, but true,” said Dean Matheson, spokesman for the Association of Defunct American Flag Manufacturers (ADAFM) “All those little towns in American that are flying flags. They think they are supporting our troops and showing their patriotism. But actually they are funding Al-Qaeda.”

Gore: “Mass suicide will stop global warming”

Academy Award winning, Nobel Prize winning, presidential election losing hanging chad victim Al Gore will follow his Live Earth rock concert with an even larger Dying to Help rock concert and suicide pact. "Many people say that they are dying to do something," said Gore. "Now they can."

Nearly 2 billion people watched Live Earth and millions took the concert's Seven Point Pledge to reduce carbon emissions. But studies have shown that the savings from following the Pledge are minuscule. An individual who watched Live Earth for two hours, took the Pledge, and followed it meticulously over the course of a year would have offset only 80% of the carbon emissions that would have been been produced to power an energy-efficient television tuned to the broadcast.

"It's a matter of carbon economics," said Michael Finn, a spokesman for Dying To Help. "The few truly committed individuals who killed themselves right after watching Live Earth offset 100% of the carbon load they had generated while watching within ten minutes; and thereafter each one saved anywhere from 2 to 2000 tons of CO2 per year, depending on whether they lived in a tent and walked and biked like me, or owned a 10,000 square foot mansion, flew 400,000 miles a year by private jet and owned a Mercedes Maybach, two Range Rovers, an Audi A8 and a Mini Cooper S, like Madonna.

Gore and Finn are hoping that a similar number will watch this concert and that 1 million, or one half of one tenth one percent of that total will carry out the Dying to Pledge Pledge and kill themselves either during suicide breaks or after the big finale.

“If people are really committed to saving the planet,” said Gore, “they’ve got to do what it takes."

"This is what it takes.”

100,000th Terror Attack Foiled

The Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI) has announced that it had foiled the 100,000th terrorist attack against the United States since 9/11.

According to the DHI report, released exclusively to The Wolf Report, the attack was predicted by DHI computer simulations which identified the threat, the perpetrators and the ideal moment to disrupt the plan. The attack would have have killed hundreds of thousands, had it been carried out, would have been executed by a group called Islamic Jihad USA, had the group been formed, and would have masterminded by a radicalized Chinese-American who would have changed his name to Hamid Al-Jabar, had he been born.

The President, using powers granted him under the still secret "Patriot Act Ain't Nothing Compared to This" Act (PAANCTA), ordered DHI, DEA., IRS, and FBI operatives to break into the home of the would-be parents of this would-be terrorist, at the moment that DHI computers had picked for disrupting the plot: while they were engaged in the sex act that would have conceived the child, just before the would-be father climaxed.

Acting with skill and efficiency--the result of many similar plot-disruption missions--the agents were able to control what would almost certainly have been an explosive orgasm. They safely captured the ejaculate containing the sperm that would have become the man who would have formed the group that would have carried out the attack, and within hours the specimen had been sent to Guantanamo where it will be subjected to enhanced interrogation techniques. The ovum was believed innocent and was released on its own recognizance subject to further investigation.

"Based on tens of thousands of similar foiled terror attempts" said Arnold McCorkle, spokesman for the DHI, "we expect that interrogation will lead to more potential conspirators and more foiled attacks."

"The Department does not normally make an announcement each time we prevent an attack," said McCorkle, explaining the revelation. "That would leave us no time for actually carrying out the detailed and sophisticated analysis needed to predict, confirm, and forestall these events. But the 100,000th attack is a milestone that should deflect critics who believe we do nothing more than fail to manage duct tape supplies and create new threat warning systems.

Bush: "Water boarding not that bad"

Determined to answer administration critics, President George W. Bush has allowed himself to be subjected to the "enhanced interrogation technique" called water boarding. The technique, which according to Republican candidate John McCain was developed during the Spanish Inquisition, (see story) has been criticized as a form of torture.

"It's not all that bad," said Bush, after a two hour water boarding session with CIA experts in which Bush revealed: the names of the individuals that his father had bribed to get him into the National Guard during the Viet Nam war; how the missing records of his military service had been stolen and where they were hidden now; how had conspired with his brother Jeb to falsify electoral records in Florida; the location of a secret plan, created by Dick Cheney in 2000 to invade Iraq; and the name of his three current mistresses.

According to Don Sutton, head of the CIA's Directorate of Enhanced Interrogation (DIE) all of the information revealed by Bush has been confirmed and the relevant documents have been returned to their hiding places. "Without water boarding we might have had to use old-fashioned interrogation techniques involving the use of pliers and cattle prods on parts of the body that I won't mention in a family blog like this. Water boarding is a humanitarian alternative, and definitely not torture."

"I'm very happy that I got to experience water boarding," said Bush. "It's definitely not torture. It's a kind of therapy. I feel a lot better now that I've gotten all those things off my chest and I look forward to helping both Al-Qaeda operatives and innocent Iraqis feel as good as I feel today.

Bush Finds Virtual WMDs in Virtual Iraq

Frustrated with their inability to achieve even one of their goals in Iraq, the Bush administration has turned to Second Life, a popular on-line digital world accessible through the Internet. Anyone who signs up for Second Life is given a digital representation of themselves called an "avatar." Using their computer a subscriber can then cause their avatar to move, communicate, or act within Second Life's virtual world. A subscriber can change the appearance of his or her avatar, can purchase virtual land, and can create, purchase or be given virtual objects that the avatar can use, for example clothing, jewlery, Abrhams M1A1 Battle Tanks, or penises.

The Wolf Report has learned that two months ago all military personnel not on active duty in Iraq had been ordered to obtain memberships for Second Life, to make their avatars as large and ferocious as possible, and await further orders. A month ago avatars from the Virtual Quartermaster Corps arrived with standard issue military uniforms, penises, and tanks which were distributed to the waiting troops who were then ordered to occupy an area of land within Second Life called Virtual Iraq, or Viraq for short, because it is shorter.

Viraq is an elaborately detailed replica of real Iraq (or Riraq as it is now called) created by the United States complete with bombed out buildings, non-functioning utilities, long lines for gas and food, and unhappy avatars representing Iraqi citizens.

Shortly after taking up station in Viraq, avatars representing the 86th Virtual Airborne Corps discovered hundreds of caches of virtual weapons of mass virtual destruction. The digital weapons were immediately confiscated and samples will be displayed in a virtual press conference that will be announced as soon as there have been no administration scandals or embarrassments for a week, or December, whichever comes first.

"The first phase of Virtual Operation Virtually Enduring Virtual Freedom has been virtually a complete success," a spokesavatar confided to The Wolf Report. "We have found the WMDs. It is now just a matter of time before we capture virtual Saddam Hussein, virtually execute him in an appropriate manner, turn Viraq into a virtually stable, virtual democracy.

Bush Complains: "God not helping"

"God is not helping," said President George. W. Bush, in an exclusive interview with The Wolf Report. "I pray and pray and pray for God's intervention. And what do I get? Advice."

"I don't need advice," he continued angrily. "I'm the president. If I want advice I can convene a goddam special committee like I've done a hundred times. And if I don't like their advice I can ignore it, like I've done," he paused to count, "well about a hundred time, too."

"I'm not praying for advice," he concluded. "I don't want a deity who telling me that there are no WMDs in Iraq. Anyone can tell you that there are no WMDs when there are no WMDs. Even I could do that. Instead, I want a deity who will perform a miracle and put WMDs where there are none."

"I'm not making any threats," Bush continued, "But I believe in the free enterprise system and and this Allah guy seems to be doing better job than the guy I've been praying to."

"Certain parties should think about this: if I can replace Donald Rumsfeld, I can replace anyone."

Al-Qaeda NLC to start social networking site

The Wolf Report has learned that Al-Qaeda NLC, the organization licensing the Al-Qaeda terror brand, is working on an social networking site for Islamic women. The site, to be called I-cant-see-your-facebook.com will be launched in December, just before the rumored IPO.

"This diversifies Al-Qaeda's holding, which are overly concentrated in the suicide bomber and IED manufacturing sectors" said Hamid Al Qadari, analyst for international hedge fund Taliban Caves Partners (TCP) . "By adding a social networking site to their portfolio they can present themselves as a more attractive investment while at the same time recruiting female bombers."

"Upon advice of our investment bankers" said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for Al-Qaeda, LLC, "we can neither confirm nor deny this rumored web site or the rumored IPO, which, if it were to happen might now be at a price of $12.00 to 14.00. Speaking hypothetically, of course."

Rumor: Al-Qaeda NLC planning IPO in 2008

The Wolf Report has learned that Al-Qaeda, NLC (No Liability Corporation)--the company that licenses the Al-Qaeda terror brand worldwide--is planning an initial public offering sometime in 2008. The stock will be listed on the New York Stock exchange and the ticker symbol will be either JHAD or AQDA.

"Upon advice of our investment bankers" said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for Al-Qaeda, LLC, and definitely not the guy who tipped us to the story "we can neither confirm nor deny this rumor, nor will we confirm the rumor that the opening price will be between $10.00 and $12.00 per share."

"This makes a great deal of sense from a supply and demand perspective" said Hamid Al Qadari, analyst for international hedge fund Taliban Caves Partners (TCP) . "Portfolio managers have realized that in order to truly diversify that they must balance their investments in companies that might be targeted by terrorist organizations with shares in the terrorist organizations themselves.

"But if you look at the terror stocks you might invest in, they out there are regional and not all that good. I expect that Al-Qaeda, LLC will get a good price at this time. Probably between $10.00 and $12.00 per share."

God Complains: "Bush Doesn't Listen"

"George Bush prays for guidance, but he doesn't listen to my answers," said God, in an exclusive Wolf Report interview today. "Either that or he listens, but doesn't follow my advice."

"What a jerk." the diety concluded angrily.

God, known to various religions under his professional or stage names which include Allah, Jehovah, and--to a small sect in Mississippi to which he recently revealed himself--as Big Billy Bob, spoke to The Wolf Report from a the center of a burning bush in Topeka Kansas.

"It pisses me off," God repeated, blazing higher and brighter. "I mean, the guy gets down on his knees; he acknowledges his ignorance and his frailty as a human being, which is dead right as far as I can see; he acknowledges my omniscience, which by the way is exactly what I knew he was going to acknowledge next; he asks for the wisdom to know what to do, which God knows--that is, which I know--he desperately needs.

"So I tell him: 'George, don't fuck with Iraq; it's going to get be a mess. Don't listen to Cheney; he's a lying asshole.' And what is he do? He gets, up and does exactly what he wants.

"Just as I knew he would, by the way," God added omnisicently.

"Thank God--that is thank Me--for The Wolf Report. At least you listen."

"Just as I knew you would."

Republicans, Democrats vie for Al-Qaeda Endorsement

With control of Congress and the White House at stake, Republicans and Democrats are in a frantic bidding war for the coveted Al-Qaeda presidential endorsement. Whoever wins will be rewarded with video in which Osama bin Laden will speak in favor of the other party. Analysts believe that this could influence as many as 20 million voters.

To ensure they win this important political prize, Republicans, have already more than doubled their 2000 offer to Al-Qaeda. And each time Senataor Larry Craig visits a mens room they raise the offer still further.

"A deal with Al-Qaeda is a smart investment," said an anonymous highly-placed knowledgeable source in the Bush campaign from behind bars, "By paying to get their support for Kerry in 2000- we showed the American people which party knew how to get the job done."

"It won't be as easy for the Republicans this time," said Tim Merril, Chairman of the Democratic Party's Office of Officially Refuting Statements Made By Anonymous Highly Placed Knowledgeable Sources in the Republican party, "With our lead in fund raising," he continued, "we feel confident that we can beat any offer the they might come up with."

"Not necessarily so," said Hamid Al Qadari, an analyst for Taliban Caves Partners (TCP) a hedge fund that seems to have an uncanny ability to short the right stocks just before an Al-Qaeda attack. "Although the Democrats' direct offer may be higher, the Administration is considering a sort of short-term amnesty to allow Osama to come to the United States and speak directly on behalf of whoever the Democrats nominate. That would be hard for the Democrats to beat."

Duct tape to be used in new initiative

The president has just created a new branch of government to manage the purchase and storage of hundreds of millions of rolls of duct tape and their subsequent deployment in national emergencies, such as falling presidential approval ratings and widening credibility gaps. The organization, called the Federal Strategic Duct Tape Management Agency Department Bureau Office (FSDTMADBO) has been created at the cabinet level, and is authorized to purchase and deliver the billions of rolls of duct tape needed to repair the problems that the administration creates each day.

Besides dealing with today's problems, The Agency Department Bureau Office will be responsible for preparing for tomorrow's blunders by building a National Strategic Duct Tape Repository where hundreds of millions of rolls of duct tape will be stored and allowed to rot, and to manage a Federal Duct Tape Emergency Response Team (FDTERT) capable of delivering rotted duct tape anywhere that the government operates, in less than day.

"If FDTERT has been around when hurricane Katrina struck," said an FSDTMADBO spokesperson, "we would have duct-taped the levees in just a few hours and been able to prevent billions of dollars in damage. And if we had been around when the tidal wave struck Indonesia we would have duct taped something or other that would have either saved lives or looked good on TV."

According to sources, the president briefly considered two other strategies: either having the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) manage the duct tape or to create a duct tape management agency within the Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI). But a quick study showed that both FEMA and DHI were both badly in need of duct taping themselves and they could not take on additional responsibilities.

Duct tape shortages are predicted as Republican and Democratic parties as well as individual candidates are building up their own supplies of duct tape for the coming campaign, and the government of Iraq is making large purchases in order to hold a fractured nation together.

Scientists are studying whether duct tape can be used to stop global warming, or at least seem to.

City of Boston Declared No Humor Zone

Following the arrest of a 19-year old MIT student for wearing clothing that authorities at Boston's Logan Airport believed was a “hoax bomb,” Boston Mayor Tom Menino has declared the entire city a “No Humor Zone.”

Boston was paralyzed last January after police, who discovered blinking electronic signs showing a cartoon character giving people the finger just three short weeks after the signs had been put up, decided that the cartoons might be part of a terror attack.

"Al-Queda is constantly changing their tactics," a police official explained at the time. "The very fact that they have never used blinking electronic cartoons would have been proof that they did it if they actually had done it. Thus we were right to react as we did."

In a press conference following the Logan arrest Menino explained that insensitivity to humor, whimsy, or irony was just one element of the city's approach to terror threats. “We know that terrorists have no sense of humor at all" Menino said, "so we’ve made sure that the people who assess terror threats are likewise incapable of laughing at anything, no matter how funny others might find it. We believe that this may help us see through tactics that other police forces might overlook. When New York is destroyed by exploding Whoopee Cushions, we'll see who has the last laugh."

In order to reduce the number of false alarms, and to make the city's policy clear enough that even MIT students can understand it, the Mayor has directed his Task Force for Stupid Signs to create a “No Humor Zone” sign, shown above. The mayor has ordered fifteen thousand to be posted throughout the city.

“People need to realize that in Boston, humor is not a laughing matter,” said a spokesperson for the Mayor's office.

Al-Qaeda files suit in Iraq, US, and Israel

Citing the value of the Al-Qaeda brand, the international terror organization has filed simultaneous lawsuits in the Iraq, the United States, and Israel. The suits allege misuse of Al-Qaeda trademarks, and insist on substantial damages.

“Osama [bin Laden] has spent his life building our brand,” an Al-Qaeda spokesperson told us over a secure Internet phone call from the organization’s corporate headquarters, a cave in northern Pakistan. “He is not going to let the brand be compromised through unauthorized use. He will to protect our good name with strong legal action followed by some very big car bombs.”

The suit filed in Iraq names the organization that calls itself “Al-Qaeda in Mesopotamia” as principal defendant. According to the bin Laden spokesperson, Al-Qaeda in Mesopotamia was licensed to use the Al-Qaeda brand on a year to year basis, with automatic renewal if a contractually specified number of Iraqi officials, American soldiers, and innocent bystanders were killed each year.

“They have successfully met two of the targets,” said the spokesperson, “but they have utterly failed to kill the required number of innocents, and thus can no longer use our brand in their recruiting. According to our contract, they must now call themselves ‘Incompetent Assholes in Mesopotamia,’ a name which they have refused to use.

The suit also names the Iraqi government and the United States Military as co-defendants. “We have notified both of the correct new name of the organization that they claim they are fighting, but they continue to claim that they are after Al-Qaeda,” said the spokesperson. “This is proof of the value of our brand and why it must be protected at all costs.”

The second suit, filed in the United States, is directed at Apple, Inc., a large electronics manufacturer, and is a pre-emptive effort to block a new Apple product from reaching market. The new product, called the Al-QiPod, combines a video iPod with an explosives belt and royalty free downloads. According to the spokesperson the Al-QiPod was to be sold to millions of teen-agers throughout the Middle East. “We are very open to an accommodation on this one,” said the representative, “as it is in our best interests to see this product launched quickly.”

The subject of the final suit, filed in Israel, was unavailable at press time. An Israeli Federal Court representative acknowledges receiving a large box labeled “Contains VERY IMPORTANT Legal Materials; Please Open in a Crowded Place.” “Since this box says that it is very important,” said the representative, “we’ve decided to wait for the next session of the Knesset before opening it.”

Al-Qaeda believes all three suits will be successful and expects that the damages will be substantial “whether or not we win in court.”

Bush Plans Revealed

"Just as our mission was accomplished until it wasn't and we were winning the war until we weren't, the 'surge' is successful and will continue to be until it isn't," said a senior Administration official.

"At that time," he said, "we will fire General Patraeus and Secretary Gates, replace them with a new team, and come up with a new strategy."

"We i n the Administration call this 'Staying the Course'."

"Until we call it something else, that is."

Bush Announces Success in Iraq and Possible Drawdown

Following his surprise visit to Iraq President George W. Bush has announced that the "surge" strategy in Iraq was working.

"Gen. Petraeus and Ambassador Crocker tell me if the kind of success we are now seeing continues, it will be possible to maintain the same level of security with fewer American forces," Bush said, in a carefully prepared spontaneous statement.

According to several news reports this success includes 2,318 civilian deaths during the month of August.

"We have analyzed the numbers and feel we can keep the civilian death toll at this level with as few as twenty American troops," said a spokesman.

"By agreeing to withdraw troops, we prove that the surge is working."

Bush Visit to Iraq not a Photo Opportunity

Citing the need to consult with top commanders and Iraqi leaders President Bush and top aides made a surprise visit to Iraq this week.

“This is not a photo opportunity,” said a White House spokesperson, “but an important event that required that the president meet face-to face with top commanders and Iraqi leaders. Since there are many top commanders and many Iraqi leaders, but only one president, it made more sense for him to pay them a surprise visit than for several plane loads of them to make a surprise visit to Washington.”

“This is not a photo opportunity,” said a defense department spokesperson, “but an important chance for not only top commanders but also middle and bottom commanders to meet with the President and tell him fact-to-face everything that they have been ordered to say about the military and political situation.”

“This is not a photo opportunity,” said a spokesman for the Association of Important Iraqi Politicians (AIIP) just returned from their August holidays. “It is a chance to meet with the President of the United States so that he can personally ignore what we have to say rather than doing it through intermediaries.”

“This is not a photo opportunity,” said one of the members of the special group of reporters, photographers and camera crews that accompanied the president on his visit. “It’s really not a photo opportunity. Really. It’s not. We’re writing stuff, too. So it's a reporting opportunity. Not a photo opportunity. Really. It is."

Violence in Iraq is a Sign of Progress

Today’s guest columnist is Earnest Apologist. Earnest is a spokesperson for the Bush Administration. In his own words: “If president Bush is the decider, then I’m the explainer.”

Violence in Iraq is a Sign of Progress
by Ernest Apologist

The nit-picking, nay-saying negativists in this country have got it wrong once again. They hear stories about violence in Iraq and start wringing their hands. Instead, they should be cheering. Why can’t they see that what they call “uncontrolled violence” in Iraq is really a clear sign—visible to anyone without preconceived notions—that Iraq is becoming a better, freer place. How can they deny it?

Think about it! Just a few years ago, Iraq was ruled by a dangerous, paranoid, megalomaniacal autocrat. Only he and his Sunni cronies had the right to torture, maim, and kill civilians. The ordinary Iraqi had no such freedom. Violence was centralized and controlled by an elite. What some people thought was “civil order” was simply apathy. The government had a monopoly on civic violence and no one cared enough to break it.

Today Iraq is free. Anyone who wants to torture, maim or kill someone else can do it. Anyone who wants to blow up a building or destroy a marketplace can do it. Free market forces are bringing the best and most sophisticated explosives within reach of nearly all Iraqis. Iraqis—with no jobs to distract them and with no gasoline for their cars—have the leisure time to create bombs—and to use them.

And most important, for the first time people care enough to get involved. They are speaking out in public; they are voting in elections; and they are blowing up their neighbors. That’s freedom. That’s something to cheer about. That’s progress!

And what creativity! Iraqis can now build, deploy, and trigger Improvised Explosive Devices so creatively and effectively that even best trained and best protected people in the world—the proud men and women of Halliburton— are being killed daily in new and innovative ways. That’s progress! And it’s our doing.

Violence by individuals is the sign of a free and healthy society. Can’t you carping critics see that? Our society is free and healthy; it’s the freest and healthiest in the world. And precisely because of that it’s one of the world’s most violent societies. Whether it’s O.J. expressing himself by killing his wife, or kids in Colorado or in Virginia giving voice to their feelings by slaughtering their classmates, Americans are free—as no other people in the world are free. We can kill whoever we want to; we can kill because we want to make a point; we can kill because we’re angry; and we can kill—just because. That’s the test of freedom. And we pass that test. We’re the freest in the world.

The Iraqis are making progress, but they’ve got a long way to go to be as free as we are. Have any Iraqis carried off an attack to match our Oklahoma City bombing? Not yet. That was done by free Americans. Iraqis are not free enough to do something like that—yet. But wait. With our help, they’ll get there.

And lest we forget: while the planes of 9/11 were flown by foreigners, the plot was hatched, the pilots were trained, and the mission was ultimately accomplished on free American soil. They used American planes as flying bombs and coffins and brought down two American buildings. Our free soil. Our free planes. Our buildings. Just try doing that in China, or Russia, or in Saddam Hussein’s Iraq and see how far you get. Violence takes freedom and we’ve got plenty of both.

Freedom is on the march in Iraq. We should all be proud of what we’ve done. And we should look forward to an increasingly free and violent future.

Bush Names General David Petraeus First "Surgin' General"

In order to recognize General David Patraeus's outstanding work in managing the "surge" in Iraq, The Wolf Report has learned that President Bush plans to name Petraeus as America's first "Surgin General."

Mineapolis Bridge Colllapse Linked to al Qaeda

According to campaign advisers to Republican contender Rudy Giuliani there are “growing indications” that the collapse of a bridge in Minneapolis that killed eight people and injured more than a hundred might be traced directly to illegal immigrants, al-Qaeda operatives, outsourcing, gay marriage, and the tax-and-spend Democrats. “It’s just a matter of making the right connection in people’s minds,” said the advisor.

While the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) is using scientific analysis to determine the roles of that bad engineering, poor maintenance, and the laws of physics my have played in this disaster, the Giuliani campaign, in cooperation with the campaigns of other Republican candidates, the White House, and Dick Cheney’s independent branch of government, called the Not Executive but Protected by Executive Privilege branch (also known as the NEBPBEP), are using sophisticated polling techniques to determine what part this tragedy might play in getting a Republican elected by linking the disaster to politically charged issues.

According to the pollsters, it’s not that hard. Early polling shows that voters can understand that the deaths may have been caused by homosexual al-Qaeda operatives who crossed into the US from Mexico and have been living on welfare money and money from family members working jobs taken from hard-working Americans far more easily than they can understand how the physics of bridge trusses and load weights might have caused the disaster. “Let’s face it,” said a member of the polling team, “physics is a boring topic and structural engineering is hard to imagine but the threat of gay Mexican al-Qaeda outsourced welfare workers brings to mind the chilling image of hordes of effeminate brown-skinned people with turbans under their sombreros collecting welfare checks with one hand while seducing our children and plotting against out-of-work Americans with the other. That’s an image that’s hard to get out of your mind once we’ve put it there,” he continued. “We should know. We’ve tried.”

According to the campaign, there are many indications of potential connections. “For example,” explained one, “we know there are bridges in the United States. We know there are illegal immigrants. We also know that every day, many illegal immigrants use bridges. We know there here are bridges in Iraq, too. We know that there are al-Qaeda terrorists in Iraq. And we know that several bridges in Iraq have been destroyed by al-Qaeda terrorists. So there are just a few of the connections.

“We also know,” he continued, “that there are people in America who are on welfare and we know there are gays in America. We know that some of those welfare people and gays use bridges, too. We know that many illegal immigrants are Mexicans and we know that many Mexicans have voted for Democrats. We know there are outsourced jobs. We know that many of these jobs are done by people with brown skin. We know that many illegal immigrants have brown skin. And we know that most al-Qaeda operatives have brown skin. So we know that the connections between al-Qaeda, bridges, gays, Mexicans, and bridges are all there, if you just look for them.

“These connections are all facts,” pointed out the source. “And that means we can't rule out the fact that one or more of the al-Qaeda operatives that are operating secretly in the United States, waiting for their chance to strike, is one of the gay Mexicans who helped sabotage the bridge.

"You just never know," he concluded.

Department Announces New Threat Warning System

The Department of Homeland Insecurity has announced that the old five-color threat awareness system, sometimes called "The Traffic Lights of Death" will be retired. In its place the department has unveiled a new warning system that is "more appropriate to al-Qaeda's expanded tactics.

Using the new system, the nation's entire threat posture can be characterized using a single image created by choosing colors singly or in pairs from a palate of 75 federally approved colors, and combining them with one or more of the one hundred patterns and textures currently authorized by the Department. New colors and textures will be added as new threats are imagined.

The threat status within the image can be interpreted in two levels. First, the basic threat status can be interpreted using the 200 page Department of Homeland Insecurity manual, called the Feng Shui of Modern Threats. The details of the threat can be understood using the Department's five volume set called Modern Terror Explained.

These documents will not be released to the public but will instead continue to be classified SECRET, according to a Department of Insecurity spokesman. This must be done “to keep this wily enemy from using our own threat warning system against us.”

Today's threat status is mauve and puce on a classic Williamsburg brick texture.

New Wave of Al-Qaeda Attacks Already Underway

Following revelation by the Department of Homeland Security that al-Qaeda’s threat posture had notably improved, a representative of newly formed Department of Homeland Insecurity, announced that al-Queda was now known to be responsible a growing number of heart attacks, automobile accidents, breast cancers, dog, shark, and insect bites, as well as a wave of inner city crime possibly dating back over several decades. Staying off airplanes, out of buildings and away from cities will not help you anymore,” said the spokesman. “They can strike anywhere. They can strike in any way. No one is safe. And,” he concluded, citing, the new department’s motto, “be sure and have a nice day.”

Asked for comment, a white house spokesperson pointed out that the number of al-Qaeda-related traffic- disease- and insect-related deaths would even higher if we were not fighting them in Iraq. “By keeping them pinned down over there,” the spokesperson said, “we keep them from following us home and destroying our lawns, our gardens, our SUVs and our strip malls.”