First part of 10 Commandments v 2.0 completed

The non-sectarian, Ecumenical Committee to Update the Commandments (ECUC) has completed the first part of its planned revamping of the ten commandments. The committee includes Jewish, Christian, and Muslim ethicists and theologians, along with two Buddhists, three Wiccans, and a Scientologist. The complete document, originally to be called “Ten Commandments Version 2.0” (10CV2) was to be released in 1990. The current plan is to release sections, each replacing one of the original commandments, with a schedule that now stretches through 2050.

The first section, an 800 page draft with over 10,000 new commandments, will replace the old Thou shalt not kill as soon as its public review is completed. The draft has been posted on the ECUC web site and will be sold in book form at the Committee’s e-store (http://estore.newtencommandments.org.) It will be available in paper or by electronic download. The committee accepts all major credit cards.

“Although the new commandments are behind schedule,” said Rabbi Meyer Shulman, chairman of the subcommittee that produced the Thou shalt not kill replacement, “we think people will find it worth the wait. These new commandments provide practical and flexible guidance that people can use in facing the myriad problems of modern life. Perhaps the old ‘Thou shalt not kill’ was sufficient for a bunch camel-herding Jews wandering in the desert, but it won’t work for the millions of modern people who travel across continents, live in complex tech-driven societies, and have to deal with sex, drugs, rock ‘n roll, and Internet porn. What do you do if an insane pedophile is about to molest your child? What do you do if you have a chance to stop Hitler from taking power? What do you do if you meet a Republican and no one is watching? The old commandment had the same simple answer, impractical in many of these cases. The new draft answers all of these questions and thousands more.”

The next section, replacing Thou shalt not commit adultery, is nearing completion and its draft will be posted within a year. The committee expects that the new commandments will be more than 1,000 pages long, and will be released with hundreds of full-color photographs and a DVD-video showing people exactly what not to do and how not to do it. It will be X-rated.

McCain proposes “market-based” health plan

Senator John McCain has announced his “market-based” health plan (see article here). The proposal is based on McCain’s belief that the free markets can provide better health care for poor people than a strictly government-managed plan.

“Under a free-market plan, my friends,” said McCain in an address unveiling the plan, “impoverished people can sell their internal organs on the open market and use the money to buy health-care for themselves and their families, or to pay for much-needed vacations, or for home improvements—assuming they are not themselves homeless. Poor people with damaged or otherwise unsalable internal organs can sell the organs of their children, relatives, or neighbors. They can sell their body fluids, or carry out the other free-market transactions that this health care plan will encourage.”

“My friends, experience has shown that free markets do a far better job of allocating scarce resources like kidneys, eyes, lungs, and skin than our government ever can. Markets keep special interest groups like the aged, the sick, and the hungry from monopolizing the resources that young, healthy, well-fed, and rich people want to have. Markets are democratic: they value a pauper's dollar exactly the same as they value a millionaire’s dollar.”

To show he's a man of action, and not just a man with big ideas, McCain has kicked off the plan by buying three kidneys and an adrenal gland with his wife's money, and donating them to a homeless shelter.

Conservatives, Progressives to Swap Names

In a deal brokered by The Wolf Report, progressives and conservatives have agreed to swap names.

“It’s been kind of dumb to call ourselves progressives for a while,” said Jim Able, a leading progressive spokesman. “All we want to do is to conserve things—like jobs, the environment, our nation’s heritage, and by maintaining a balanced budget we want to conserve our children’s wealth. In fact, I don't know why we're called progressive. We’re pretty much opposed to progress, whether it’s global trade, genetically modified crops, nuclear energy, a factory, or a big-box store. You name it. If it’s progress, we hate it. I think conservative would be a better description for us, but—you know—there are already people using that word.”

“It’s our description, but it hardly seems to fit,” said Stephen DeMarst, a leading conservative spokesperson. “We’re no longer interested in conserving anything. Conserve the environment? Not if it gets in the way of progress, building the houses and factories and roads that people need. Balance the budget? Not if that stands in the way of providing new weapons for our military or new entitlements. We conservatives want to get beyond the old and get on to the new: new inventions, new companies, new technologies, new global structures, and a new world order. We want progress! I think progressive would be a better name for us.”

At midnight tonight, according to the deal negotiated by The Wolf Report, all people formerly called “conservative” will be called “progressive”; all people formerly called “progressive” will be called “conservative;" all people who care about these labels will continue to be called “stupid.”

Wolf Report passes 100 post mark with 101st post

The Wolf Report passed the 100 post mark by publishing its 101'st post. The self-referential post had nothing else useful to contribute but managed to fill several more paragraphs with drivel to mark the momentous occasion.

This post is a milestone, but only because of two accidents of history. The first led to our using a system of counting using the base ten. Although no one from The Wolf Report has been able to verify this, but it is widely believe that the choice of ten as the based of our counting system was motivated by the number of fingers on a pair of typical human hands. But for that accident of history, this occasion would not have merited a single word, much less had someone going on for two paragraphs and just about ready to start the third.

By contrast, in a society that did all their counting in binary, the 100 post mark would have passed almost 96 (decimal) posts ago. And in a society based on counting in hexadecimal, the 100 post mark would be more than one hundred (decimal) posts away. This makes the particular choice of the sequence of this 101'st post less significant than it would be if our counting was based on an inevitable choice based on some universal constant rather than fingers.

But it is not. We use the decimal system. And it's some cause for celebration. Though why, I cannot imagine.

For those who remember that there were two acts of history, and not one, the second accident of history was the posting of the first post 100 (base 10) posts ago.

Beer, wine, found contaminated

A $200 million study by the United States Department of Wasting Taxpayer Money on Stupid Things (DWTMST) has found that nearly all beer and wine sold in this country is contaminated. “We have found evidence of yeast urine in every sample that we’ve tested,” said Briggs Cutler, Director of the Department. “Investigating we discovered that winemakers and brewers do nothing to prevent yeast from infesting their beverages, and indeed encourage conditions under which these creatures can live, grow, and pee.”

“Yeast piss is not only a poison,” said Stephanie Dowd, head of the Committee Against Intoxication and Other Forms of Fun (CAIOFF), “but it’s addictive as well. The Department’s study gives one more reason why beer, wine, and other such yeast-infested beverages should be outlawed.”

“It’s not the government’s job keep people from drinking yeast wee wee,” said presumptive Republican presidential candidate John McCain. “A simple notice: ‘Caution, contains yeast piddle,’ on beverages will notify consumers and allow them to make their own choices.”

“My daddy taught me to this,” said Democratic candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton, as she tossed back a jigger of distilled, aged, bonded Kentucky sour mash yeast piss, followed it with a fermented barley-malt yeast piss chaser, and then fired her rifle into the roof of a bar in Pennsylvania.

“Remove their right to drink yeast pee,” said candidate Barack Obama, “and small town Americans will become even more bitter. When I am elected president I’ll bring together a group of all the concerned parties: consumers, brewers, winemakers, distillers, alcoholics, and even some yeast, to explore the issues and formulate a national yeast-piss policy.

Committee sees hard work paying off

Months of hard work by the Democratic Party’s Committee to Snatch Defeat from the Jaws of Victory (CSDJV) is paying off as candidates Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama savage one another in an effort to cost the party as many votes in November as possible.

“Despite an unpopular president, an unpopular war, and a geriatric opponent,” said Myron Burke, chairman of the Committee, “this is an election we still think we can lose. Having a woman and a black as candidates is going to help us lose, but it’s not enough. It’s going to take more hard work and stupid mistakes on our part if we’re to lose to a man who wants to stay in Iraq for 100 years. But we’ve got an unparalleled track record at losing elections that we might have won and we’re going to lose this one. Our candidates are going to keep destroying one another until Daffy Duck could beat either one. And then do more damage until John McCain can beat them. The American people have to realize that we’re just plain not fit to govern.”

“Not if we have anything to say about it,” said Marie Warther, head of the Committee to Destroy the Republican Party. “In the last seven years we’ve helped George W. Bush violate every principle that our party used to stand for. We’ve had him increase the size of government, increase entitlements, unbalance the budget, raise the national debt, intervene in foreign affairs, and engage in nation building. If the American people can’t see that we have even fewer principles and less integrity than the Democrats, then I suppose they deserve a Democrat as president.

Lost Biblical passage recovered

An ancient Biblical passage has been discovered, according to Reverend Adam Turner, special advisor to the President on spiritual, moral, ethical, and electability affairs. The passage completely justifies the country's engagement in Afghanistan and Iraq.

"Some have said that the Bible says '...turn the other cheek' and that this is inconsistent with our invasion of Afghanistan and Iraq because of 9/11. But Biblical research has helped us recover the entire passage. The original passage, reads as follows:

‘...But I tell thee, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes thee on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue thee and take thy tunic, let him have thy cloak as well. If someone forces thee to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks thee , and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from thee.’

To which the newly recovered text adds this clarification:

“And if someone flies even one of thy airplanes into even one of thy buildings, then thou shalt invade every country thou wanteth and thou shalt smite them with shock and with awe and 160,000 of thy soldiers.”

Scholars disagree on whether the disputed term should be translated so that the phrase would be ‘…invade every fucking country…’ or, ‘...invade every mother-fucking country…’

“The President is proud that the actions that he took have been supported by the Bible,” said Turner. “We are now attempting to determine whether an additional text, which says that ‘And thou shalt not permit an axis of evil to persist’ will justify our planned invasion of Iran, North Korea and the Democratic National Convention or whether we can eliminate the axis by invading just two of the three.

Manilow no longer Barry

by Special Correspondent Matt

The Artist Formerly Known as Barry Manilow (TAFKABM) has revealed that like his presidential choice, Barack Obama, he is sick of the name Barry. He will release his next album, “Don’t Call Me Barry” under his new stage name, Barack Opincus.

Just after his bar mitzvah the former Manilow changed both his instrument—from accordion to piano—and his name—from Pincus to his mother's maiden name, Manilow. “Pincus is a good name for an accordion player,” he told a friend, “but Barry Pincus will never perform a #1 song, fill a concert hall with swooning gray-haired ladies, or even get laid. Barry Manilow will do them all.”

TAFKABM says Obama inspired him to make the latest change. “Names matter,” he said, “and you’ve got to move with the times. Barry Bama could have kept his original name and gone on to be a basketball player, if he could make the moves, or a pop star, if he could write the songs. But he couldn't be president. By changing his name to Barack Obama, well, yes he can.”

Obama Ties Go Beyond Lobbyists

The Wolf Report has learned that presidential candidate Barack Obama is not only tied to lobbyists, as reported in a front page article in USA Today (see here), but is also connected to criminals, mass murderers, Communists, Nazis, and Republicans. Obama’s is connected to Al Capone, Pol Pot, Josef Stalin, Adolf Hitler, and Dick Cheney, among others.

“We have determined that Barack Obama is linked—by as few as four degrees of separation—to a bone-chilling array of scurrilous and unsavory characters,” asserted Adam Firth, sensational assertions editor for The Wolf Report, USA Today, and ABC News. “For example Obama’s wife’s girlfriend’s cousin knows a man who once met OJ Simpson. And a man who met someone who contributed to Obama’s campaign has a cousin who once passed the house of a direct descendent of someone who might have been in the Gestapo.”

Obama’s links may be familial as well. According to a geneticist consulted by The Wolf Report, Obama’s DNA is “almost certain to be a 99% match” to the DNA of many war criminals, serial killers, and lawyers, as well as all of the people of Iran and North Korea. According to the expert, Hillary Rodham Clinton’s DNA is a likely match as well.

To scientifically test these assertions, The Wolf Report has requested DNA samples from the Clinton, Obama, and McCain campaigns. The McCain campaign has informed The Wolf Report that “all of John McCain’s DNA was forcibly and painfully removed by his North Vietnamese captors during his long, valiant, and heroic years of torture.” The Obama and Clinton campaigns have called the assertions "outrageous" and "insane" and have refused to cooperate.

“The people have the right to know all about the DNA of any candidates who have DNA,” said a McCain spokesperson. “We support The Wolf Report's efforts to learn the truth about the candidates.”

Candidates practicing phone calls at 3AM

The Wolf Report has learned that Presidential candidates Barack Obama, Hillary Rodham Clinton, and John McCain have all been practicing one of the skills most highly valued in a President: the ability to answer a phone call at 3AM.

Clinton began her training nearly three months before her TV ad campaign. “We started gradually,” said a campaign staffer, “with phone calls at around 1AM. The initial results were disappointing. When the phone rang Hillary would shriek ‘Bill, get the god damned phone, it’s probably one of your…” well, she used a phrase meaning ‘sexually available loose-valued young women.’ But after a few nights she was able to answer ‘President Hillary Rodham Clinton speaking, what’s is the situation.’

“From that point on,” the source continued, “we created phone scenarios of increasing difficulty while moving the calls back fifteen minutes at a time to 3AM, which we believe is the time that an attack would most likely to be mounted. By the time we ran the ads, she was ready.”

According to Obama staffers, he began his training just after the first Clinton ad was aired. “His ability was amazing,” said a staffer. “Our plan was to start with a 3AM call and then back off to an hour that was comfortable. But he was able to respond to the first crisis call and to every one since then with a perfectly nuanced, well articulated answer that showed both insight and compassion, toughness and empathy, strength and softness. Several times the people who were role-playing the crisis scenario were moved to tears and spontaneous applause.”

McCain staffers are confident that their candidate can answer the 3AM call if it comes. “For years, Senator McCain has been waking up at 3AM to deal with the personnel of the vivid dreams he’s had since his capture and torture by the North Vietnamese. We are sure he’ll handle a real 3AM crisis as ably as he deals with the imaginary ones, although hopefully with less yelling and shooting.”

Obama campaign re-clarifies “bitter” remarks

In an exclusive interview with The Wolf Report an unnamed, anonymous, unofficial representative of the Obama campaign clarified the previous clarification by an unnamed semi-official representative of the campaign of the earlier clarification by a campaign spokesman of Obama’s own clarification of his recent remarks after their initial obfuscation by opponent Hillary Rodham Clinton and further confusion, restatement, misquotation, and perversion of those remarks by named and unnamed, anonymous and attributed, official, semi-official, and unofficial representatives of the Clinton, McCain, Nader and emerging bin Laden campaigns (see story).

“Senator Obama was not referring to all small-town Americans when he made remarks referring to ‘bitter’ small-town voters who ‘cling to guns and religion,’ nor was he referring to just Republican small-town voters as stated in the second re-clarification, nor was he referring to Republican voters in a particular small town, as explained in the fifth. He was in fact referring a growing number of voters, who have now filed affidavits stating their position. I will read one of them, for the record: ‘I, Emmett J. Hoskins am a bitter small town voter. I cling bitterly to my gun, my religion, my family, my race, and my dog. I hate NAFTA, black people, and pretty much anybody from out of town. Nevertheless I will vote for Barack Obama in November because he stands up for people like me, because he is not afraid to say politically stupid things, and because he will pay me once elected president by enacting programs that will help me and bitter, small town, gun-toting, small-minded, bible thumping racists like me.’”

“I hope this puts the matter to rest.”

Bin Laden Considering Run for President

The Wolf Report has learned from close associates of terrorist leader Osama bin Laden that he is again considering his candidacy for President of the United States.

An announcement, if the plan moves forward, will likely be made along with the long-awaited Initial Public Offering (IPO) of Al-Qaeda, LLC, the terrorist leader's franchising organization and holding company.

An earlier plan, to announce bin Laden’s entry into the race just after simultaneous suicide bombings at McCain, Obama, and Clinton rallies was vetoed by bin Laden after focus groups held in his cave indicated it would “bring his numbers down.”

“In truth,” said a bin Laden campaign spokesman, “Osama bin Laden would be the only candidate who could end the so-called ‘war on terror.’ He can do it not by spending trillions but with a few words to his followers. And in cooperation with the United States—which he would give if elected President—he could resolve the situation in Iraq in days. This would release trillions of dollars which could then be used to rebuild America’s deteriorating infrastructures, educate and truly leave no child in America left behind, feed the poor not only in America but in the rest of the world, and usher in an era of peace and prosperity not seen since last Caliphate.”

The Wolf Report will continue to provide news as the campaign strategy evolves.

Iraq War Not That Funny Any More

According to an analysis just released by The Wolf Report, the Iraq War is not as funny as it used to be. While there was a surge in jokes around the time that the surge in troops began, the report points out that number of jokes has subsequently declined steadily.

“This is an unfair criticism of a very successful war,” said Adam Carlson, Public Relations Officer for the war. “First, we must be clear. The purpose of the war was never comedy, but rather entertainment. It has been highly successful, diverting, and entertaining war with high viewership and news-readership ratings, an enormous number of entertaining pro- and anti-war blogs and books, and with several major motion pictures completed and more on their way.

“Second it’s important to realize that the war’s story line has always included tragedy, drama, pathos, adventure, and sport as well as comedy. These are all components of an entertaining conflict and have all been exploited. A decline in the number of number of jokes related to an otherwise highly engaging war is not an indicator of the war’s over-all success.”

“Finally, despite the recent drop in jokes, the fact that both our allies and enemies are still laughing at us is evidence that the comedic aspect of the war continues to meet its objectives.

“It’s also important to remember that the war’s humorous tag lines—“shock and awe,” ‘WMD’s’, “mission accomplished,’ ‘stay the course’ and of course ‘surge’—have become funny only in retrospect. Contemporaneously they were all taken seriously. I predict that as events unfold that actions and statement that today are taken seriously will be looked backed upon as laughable and occasionally ridiculous.

“The Wolf Report report’s analysis is unfair not only to the people who invented and planned this war but also to the brave men and women who have worked so hard to bring it to its present state.

Democrats in Rocky Balboa Crisis

The Democratic Party’s nominating process has reached a crisis as Pennsylvanians decide whether Hillary Rodham Clinton or Barack Obama is the real Rocky Balboa.

“I’m the real Rocky Balboa, for several reasons” said Hillary Clinton to a cheering Philadelphia crowd. “First, I’m Rocky because I am the underdog, trailing in the delegate count. Second, I’m Rocky because I’m the underdog, trailing in the popular vote. Third, I’m Rocky because at this point everyone says I need a miracle to win. Just like Rocky.”

“While Hillary Clinton can claim to be Rocky Balboa,” said Barack Obama to a different cheering Philadelphia crowd, “let’s remember that Hillary Clinton did not start out as Rocky. She started out as Apollo Creed. Or as Clubber Lang. Or as Ivan Drago. Or as Mason Dixon. But not Rocky. She was Hillary Apollo Lang Drago Dixon Rodham Clinton and I was Rocky. The true underdog.

“Now she’s losing and suddenly she’s saying she’s Rocky. When Apollo Creed starting losing he couldn’t say: ‘Hold on, I’m Rocky because I’m losing.’ When Clubber Lang starting losing he couldn’t say: ‘Hold on, I’m Rocky because I’m losing.’ When Ivan Drago starting losing he couldn’t say: ‘Hold on, I’m Rocky because I’m losing’ When Mason Dixon starting losing he couldn’t say: ‘Hold on, I’m Rocky because I’m losing.’ They couldn’t say they were Rocky because once you are not Rocky you stay not Rocky.

"Hillary Apollo Lang Drago Dixon Rodham Clinton can not suddenly turn into Rocky because she’s losing.

“I was Rocky. I am Rocky. And I will be Rocky.”

“Actually,” said Republican John McCain to yet a different cheering crowd somewhere, possibly in Iraq, “I'm Rocky. I was always the underdog. I came back from the dead and defeated seven of the world's meanest, nastiest Republicans. And, most important--whether for being Rocky Balboa or for being President of the United States--I’m a white male. Let's not forget that.”