BIS to Fix Health Care with Duct Tape

The United States Bureau of Impractical Solutions (BIS) has announced the results of a two-year, $300M study that has demonstrated the feasibility of fixing the United States health care system using duct tape.

“There’s no question that the health care system is broken,” said John Howard Atkinson, BIS Director. “There’s also no question that duct tape can fix anything. We really just needed to determine how much duct tape we’d need, and how to apply it.”

The BIS study included a pilot project—fixing the health care systems of several mid-sized American towns with just a few hundred rolls of tape each. Based on the project’s success the Bureau has now requested $7B to purchase the duct tape needed for the entire health care system, to train a corps of Federal Duct Tapers, and to fund the program for the two years it will take to fix health care. “Unlike other plans,” said Atkinson, “this is not a Band-Aid solution that will only hold for a short time. It’s a duct tape solution, and that means it’s going to last.”

“The best news,” said Atkinson, “is that this same technique can be used to fix other problems. The Bureau has authorized two new studies, one to find out how much duct tape it will take to fix the American economy, and the other to calculate the duct tape needed to fix our broken political system. Once the Federal Duct Tapers are finished with health care, they’ll transition to taping up these other problems.”

“We’ve always believed that a nation that could send a man to the moon could fix its health care system, its economy, and its political system with duct tape,” says Atkinson confidently. “Now we know that it’s just a matter of yardage.”

Bill to Barack: Get a Bl*w J*b and lead America!

In an exclusive interview with The Wolf Report former President Bill Clinton has ended his three-year, self-imposed silence and given President Barack Obama some timely advice. TWR: Let’s get right to the point. You agreed to this interview so that you could advise the President. What’s your advice. Clinton: You know, I was in a very similar situation to him. I won an election, and decided to address healthcare. Unfortunately Hillary screwed it up, but never mind that; Pelosi and Reid screwed it up in a different way. And then the same thing happened to Obama that happened to me. The Republicans jumped on healthcare and used it to take over the house in the mid-term elections. Yet I won reelection. Barack can get reelected if he just follows my example. Technorati Tags: Clinton,Obama,Politics,The Wolf Report

Bill and TWR Reporter after interview

TWR: Which is?

89 Dead in Missouri Tornado: Al-Qaeda Claims Credit

In a videotape released to The Wolf Report today, al-Qaeda Terror Networks, NLC, has claimed credit for 89 tornado deaths in Joplin, Missouri on Sunday, and has taken retroactive credit for nearly 400 earlier tornado deaths across the United States.
“This is a rather transparent effort by al-Qaeda’s management to recover their brand and to get their IPO back on track, and will not succeed” said Simon Allen, Terror Network Analyst for The Wolf Report. “Americans are not gullible. They will not believe that al-Qaeda caused these tornados since they are so obviously due to the United States’ tolerance of gays in the military.”
The Al-Qaeda Terror Networks No Liability Corporation (NLC) was formed by Osama bin-Laden in 2002 and was headed for an Initial Public Offering as reported in The Wolf Report in 2008. A series of setbacks, most recently the death of their CEO, Osama bin-Laden, has repeatedly pushed back the IPO date.
Al-Qaeda Terror Networks is the exclusive licensing agent for al-Qaeda franchises, promotes the al-Qaeda brand, arranges Osama bin-Laden endorsements, and and develops a growing portfolio of al-Qaeda products. Until recently its corporate headquarters were in Abottabad, Pakistan.
Following the lead of the United States Government, The Wolf Report has decided not to release the videotape, and has instead tossed it into the ocean “somewhere off the coast of New Jersey.”

Wolf Report Expert Predicts No Rapture Today

"There will be no Rapture, today" predicted The Wolf Report's expert Rapturologist, Dr. Herman Eutics. "I've studied all the Biblical references, and spent several months carefully analyzing Harold Camping's widely cited prediction that the Rapture will occur at 6:00 PM local time today, May 21, 2011. I can say with certainty that the Rapture will not occur today. Nor will it occur later in the month. I haven't yet ruled out June, but it's likely there will be no Rapture then, either."
 
"Dr Eutics has an unparalleled record for Rapture predictions," said Michael Wolf, Founder, Publisher and Editor-In-Chief of The Wolf Report. "He's been analyzing Rapture signs since January 1, 1992 and has successfully predicted "no Rapture" for 7080 consecutive days. We're proud to have him on our staff."


About Herman Eutics: Dr. Eutics joined The Wolf Report two years ago, when Camping's predictions began to gain the attention of the media. Eutics holds a PhD in Rapturology from Specious University. He is webmaster for the web site norapturetoday.com.

New Deal on Debt in Final Negotation

The bipartisan committee to manage the national debt is close to a deal that insiders say will solve the country's fiscal problems, The Wolf Report has learned. The deal, which has been under negotiation for nearly two years, will be announced as soon as the terms are finalized, possibly as soon as August.

Under the proposed arrangement, in addition to giving money to children who place lost teeth under their pillows, the Tooth Fairy will deposit funds in a special account to be managed by the Federal Reserve. Payments to children will continue in the traditional range: from ten cents to $5.00, depending on the wealth of the child's parents. Payments will  be adjusted annually for inflation using a formula based on the Consumer Price Index for dental services. Payments to the government will be between $1,000 per tooth--the Tooth Fairy's latest offer--and $2,000 per tooth--the government's proposed rate. The two sides are reported close to agreement on a final figure.

The Office of Management and Budget, a non-partisan oversight group, has estimated the impact of the Tooth Fairy plan, using the more conservative number. The OMB reckons that if the nation's children lose 10 million teeth per year, the government would receive $10 billion in Tooth Fairy money. With the national debt currently estimated at $13.9 trillion dollars, Tooth Fairy revenues would pay off the entire debt in just 1,390 years.

One proposal, which source say is "under serious consideration" by the Tooth Fairy would give the United States credit for the lost teeth of children in any country that receives more than $1 Billion in US aid in that year. According to sources, if this proposal is accepted, then Tooth Fairy money might pay off the debt in as few as 820 years.