Planetary healing stops, reverses

In his victory speech at the end of the primary season Senator Barack Obama said: "Generations from now, we will be able to look back and tell our children...this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal."

But scientists now report that any planetary healing that began that night has either reversed itself or never began at all. Further they report there is no evidence that the rise of the oceans has changed in any way.

"It's rather disappointing," said Carson Fulbright, head of the World Council of Hopeful Scientists, which began studying the problem right after Obama's announcement. "We were hoping that this would truly be a turning point, and that it would save us a lot of time, money, and sacrifice. But apparently everything is going to hell just the same way as it was before the speech. It will be hard to tell that to my children, years from now, but I will if that's the truth."

The Council will issue another report one month after the Democratic National Convention to see whether Obama's actual nomination or his nominating speech, rather than his primary season victory, starts the healing process and slows the rise.

"With Obama there's always hope," says Fulbright.

Bush: United States getting daily closer to next terrorist attacks

Citing a new study by the Department of Homeland Stupidity (DHS), President George W. Bush has announced that new terrorist attacks on the United States are"inevitably approaching" and the next one is "getting closer day by day."

The study shows that while the exact time of the attacks cannot be predicted, it is possible to determine that each attack is getting closer. The rate of approach of attacks has been constant over the course of years and nothing has been able to slow their approach.

"Our enemies do not rest and they do not sleep," said Calvin Worthington, the DHS scientist who carried out the analysis. "The attacks--not just one of them, but all of them as far as we can determine--get a month closer roughly every 30 days."

The DHS encourages all Americans to continue to follow the Department's guidelines for the "elevated" threat levels that have been in place for as long as anyone can remember. Citizens should alternate between fear and apathy, and should support all irrational government policies.

"We believe that our policy of stupidity and hyperemotion has convinced the terrorists that they can gain nothing more by attacking us," said Worthington. "Not until we relax or take time to think will they attack. And then they they will strike, strike, strike and kill, kill, kill. "

According to DHS guidelines, Americans should periodically worry whether this minute or the next will bring each of us a horrible, painful death; or bring the life of one of our loved ones t0 an agonizing, terrifying end; or result in the the tragic death of some innocent stranger half-way across the world.

"We can only prevent terrorism by being terrified," Worthington said, "and the Department of Homeland Stupidity is leading the way."

McCain gaffes are not news

CBS, NBC, ABC and Fox news have all defended their policy of not covering any of John McCain's recent gaffes."We cover news," said Carlton Townes, on behalf of the networks. "When the same thing happens every day it's not news."

"Let McCain get some facts straight, or make a coherent argument, that will be news and we'll cover it," he continued. "Let Obama make a stupid mistake, or say something dumb, then that will be news, and we'll cover that too."

"Our job is not to report the facts. It's to report the news."

McCain admits Bill Clinton worse than torture

Under relentless questioning by an entity describing itself as “the spirit of Tim Russert,” presumptive Republican candidate John McCain has acknowledged that being shot down in an airplane, beaten by a crowd of angry Vietnamese, submitting to torture, and dealing with the psychological consequences of his confession as an “air pirate” was “a walk in the park” compared to having to deal with Bill Clinton.

“I don’t know how Obama does it,” said a visibly upset McCain, “and Hillary’s strength of character is beyond anyone’s understanding. If I had to deal with Bill Clinton for even ten minutes I’d sign anything he asked. And if he didn’t leave me alone I’d kill myself after twenty.”

McCain, however was adamant that the ability to deal with Bill Clinton did not quality either Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton to be president nor did the inability disqualify McCain. “As President I will be called upon to deal with terrorists, the heads of hostile states like Kim Jong Il and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, as well as terrorist, terrorists, terrorists and terrorists. And I can do it. Just not Bill Clinton.”