New Drugs Won't Take No For An Answer

In an act that experts describe as a "major escalation in the War on Drugs" The World Association of Drug Designers (WADD) has released two drugs that "won't take no for an answer." The drugs mark a setback for the highly successful "Say No To Drugs" campaign, a chief weapon in the War.

Persistasy, the first drug, appeared on streets last April. By May the Center for the War on Drugs (CWD) had recognized the threat, and responded with the "Say No! No! No! No! No! No! NO!!! Goddamnit I Said NO!!! To Drugs" campaign. The campaign was starting to be effective when Unrelentasy appeared.

"Unrelentasy is like Ecstasy and The Terminator rolled into one package," says Billy C, head of the New York Drug Lord Association (NYDLA). "You can say 'no' to this drug all night long and it just doesn't give a shit; it keeps on coming. Unrelentasy is unstoppable!"

But researchers at the CWD say it can be stopped. "Unrelentasy may not take 'no' for an answer," says Roger Delaney, the CWD's chief scientist, "but if your answer is: 'Fuck off and die, you son of a bitch!; then even Unrelentasy will leave you alone."

The CWD has successfully tested their "Say Fuck off and Die, You Son of A Bitch! To Drugs" campaign in seven New York high schools, and plans to roll it out nationwide next month."You have to shout 'Fuck off and Die, You Son of A Bitch!' really loud," says Adam Clayton, a high school senior who participated in the test, "but it does work."

God Caves Under Pressure: Blesses America

Apparently bowing to pressure from lobbying groups, and threatened with a cut in funding,  God has agreed to bless America. “We consider this a great victory,” said Jim McEwan, spokesman for the Coalition of Patriotic Deists, the largest “God Bless American” lobbying group. “After years of requesting and finally demanding that God bless America, we have achieved the blessing we aimed for, and that we so richly deserve.”

The blessing was announced during a noonday press conference by the Metatron, heavenly scribe and spokesangel for the Lord God Jehovah. “I have a message from God to read to you. I will take no questions after I have read it,” said the seraph, the highest ranking member of the God’s angelic hierarchy.

“At 10:13 this morning, God blessed America. Thank you.”

The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped nearly 800 points in heavy trading following the news.