Automakers deciding how to get to Washington for bail-out money

Reacting to Congress’ outrage at their flying to Washington in three separate corporate jets, the presidents of General Motors, Ford, and Chrysler have taken action.

“It took a lot of hard work,” said Tim Johnson, a consultant who headed the tripartite task force that made the ultimate decision, “and because we wanted to make the decision that would create the best possible impression of concern, we spared no expense.”

“Initially many of us believed that it would be best to have the presidents hitchhike,” he explained. “By riding in cars that were already headed toward Washington, this would not only minimize cost, but also have the smallest impact on the environment.”

“However the consultants who studied hitchhiking determined that the time to get there was too highly variable. Their report, based on experiments by more than 100 hitch hiking teams, showed that times varied from twelve hours to more than ten days.”

“The consultants who studied car pooling determined that the trip would take approximately nine hours under good driving conditions, and if the presidents left Detroit in the late evening, they could arrive in Washington with ample time before the hearings; could testify; and then could drive back after rush hour, thus saving the cost of three hotel rooms.”

“Unfortunately, the follow-on study, to decide what kind of car to take could not be completed. Each of the companies felt that if their car was not chosen that it would reflect badly on their corporate image. ”

“Meanwhile the consultants that we hired to review the work of these and five other consulting teams and twelve internal teams, four from each company, arrived at a compromise which the presidents have all agreed to. Each of the presidents will fly to an undisclosed airport near Washington in his company’s private jet; each will hitchhike separately to Washington. The flights would save time, and the hitchhiking would give the appearance of caring.

“The presidents would then each drive back to Detroit in individual armored cars filled with money, showing a hands-on attitude. The entire process would be captured on film and made a part of a one hour documentary to be broadcast during prime time periods that we have purchased for that purpose.”

“The fact this entire study, involving more than a thousand people, could be done in less than two weeks, and at a cost of under $40 million, shows that the American automobile industry is nimble and creative, and fully deserving of the billions we're asking for.”