Mineapolis Bridge Colllapse Linked to al Qaeda

According to campaign advisers to Republican contender Rudy Giuliani there are “growing indications” that the collapse of a bridge in Minneapolis that killed eight people and injured more than a hundred might be traced directly to illegal immigrants, al-Qaeda operatives, outsourcing, gay marriage, and the tax-and-spend Democrats. “It’s just a matter of making the right connection in people’s minds,” said the advisor.

While the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) is using scientific analysis to determine the roles of that bad engineering, poor maintenance, and the laws of physics my have played in this disaster, the Giuliani campaign, in cooperation with the campaigns of other Republican candidates, the White House, and Dick Cheney’s independent branch of government, called the Not Executive but Protected by Executive Privilege branch (also known as the NEBPBEP), are using sophisticated polling techniques to determine what part this tragedy might play in getting a Republican elected by linking the disaster to politically charged issues.

According to the pollsters, it’s not that hard. Early polling shows that voters can understand that the deaths may have been caused by homosexual al-Qaeda operatives who crossed into the US from Mexico and have been living on welfare money and money from family members working jobs taken from hard-working Americans far more easily than they can understand how the physics of bridge trusses and load weights might have caused the disaster. “Let’s face it,” said a member of the polling team, “physics is a boring topic and structural engineering is hard to imagine but the threat of gay Mexican al-Qaeda outsourced welfare workers brings to mind the chilling image of hordes of effeminate brown-skinned people with turbans under their sombreros collecting welfare checks with one hand while seducing our children and plotting against out-of-work Americans with the other. That’s an image that’s hard to get out of your mind once we’ve put it there,” he continued. “We should know. We’ve tried.”

According to the campaign, there are many indications of potential connections. “For example,” explained one, “we know there are bridges in the United States. We know there are illegal immigrants. We also know that every day, many illegal immigrants use bridges. We know there here are bridges in Iraq, too. We know that there are al-Qaeda terrorists in Iraq. And we know that several bridges in Iraq have been destroyed by al-Qaeda terrorists. So there are just a few of the connections.

“We also know,” he continued, “that there are people in America who are on welfare and we know there are gays in America. We know that some of those welfare people and gays use bridges, too. We know that many illegal immigrants are Mexicans and we know that many Mexicans have voted for Democrats. We know there are outsourced jobs. We know that many of these jobs are done by people with brown skin. We know that many illegal immigrants have brown skin. And we know that most al-Qaeda operatives have brown skin. So we know that the connections between al-Qaeda, bridges, gays, Mexicans, and bridges are all there, if you just look for them.

“These connections are all facts,” pointed out the source. “And that means we can't rule out the fact that one or more of the al-Qaeda operatives that are operating secretly in the United States, waiting for their chance to strike, is one of the gay Mexicans who helped sabotage the bridge.

"You just never know," he concluded.