New Wave of Al-Qaeda Attacks Already Underway

Following revelation by the Department of Homeland Security that al-Qaeda’s threat posture had notably improved, a representative of newly formed Department of Homeland Insecurity, announced that al-Queda was now known to be responsible a growing number of heart attacks, automobile accidents, breast cancers, dog, shark, and insect bites, as well as a wave of inner city crime possibly dating back over several decades. Staying off airplanes, out of buildings and away from cities will not help you anymore,” said the spokesman. “They can strike anywhere. They can strike in any way. No one is safe. And,” he concluded, citing, the new department’s motto, “be sure and have a nice day.”

Asked for comment, a white house spokesperson pointed out that the number of al-Qaeda-related traffic- disease- and insect-related deaths would even higher if we were not fighting them in Iraq. “By keeping them pinned down over there,” the spokesperson said, “we keep them from following us home and destroying our lawns, our gardens, our SUVs and our strip malls.”