“Kids love gift cards,” said an unidentified spokesperson for Santa Claus’s company, North Pole Logistic Management LLC (NPLMLLC), which that has managed manufacturing, purchasing and delivery contracts for Christmas for the past hundred years. “And a Woo game console from China is every bit as good as a Wii from Japan.”
“Gift cards suck,” says one twelve-year old asked about the substitution. “And I better get Wii or there’s going to be trouble at school—if you know what I mean.”
According to Sven Lundgren, an elf who has worked in the North Pole corporate offices of NPLMLLC for more than 20 years, problems first emerged at NPLMLLC in November when elves in the incoming inspection department found toys that were painted with toxic paint, had sharp corners, and were made with small detachable parts that could choke children.
Investigation revealed that the problems were widespread and that third world wholesalers were substituting off-brand toys for the name-brand toys specified by the corporate elves.
“We stand ready to save Christmas,” said Ole Petersen the elf who heads the International Brotherhood of Elven Toymakers, AFL-CIO. “Santa needs to pay us a living wage, time and a half for overtime, reinstate our health benefits, and make a contribution to the pension fund to account for the months we've been out of work.”
Santa was not available for comment, but through a spokesperson said “Ho! Ho! Ho!”
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