God Caves Under Pressure: Blesses America

Apparently bowing to pressure from lobbying groups, and threatened with a cut in funding,  God has agreed to bless America. “We consider this a great victory,” said Jim McEwan, spokesman for the Coalition of Patriotic Deists, the largest “God Bless American” lobbying group. “After years of requesting and finally demanding that God bless America, we have achieved the blessing we aimed for, and that we so richly deserve.”

The blessing was announced during a noonday press conference by the Metatron, heavenly scribe and spokesangel for the Lord God Jehovah. “I have a message from God to read to you. I will take no questions after I have read it,” said the seraph, the highest ranking member of the God’s angelic hierarchy.

“At 10:13 this morning, God blessed America. Thank you.”

The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped nearly 800 points in heavy trading following the news.

God denied further funding for “human” experiment

The Celestial Academy of Sciences (CAS) has declined to provide God with funding to continue the “human” experiment on the planet “earth.” Without funding, the fate of the project is in doubt.

“The experiment was designed to show what a creature that evolved from slime mold was capable of,” said a burning bush, speaking on behalf of God. “We’ve shown that these creatures can not only develop poetry, literature, and art, but also Tetris, the Internet, YouTube, and Gogol Bordello. With additional funding God believes that these creatures might be able to create a sustainable culture.”

“While the experiment has produced interesting results,” said a being whose nominator can not be represented in a space of fewer then 11 dimensions, “the Celestial Administration feels that God has crossed the boundaries of good science in several areas: first, when She allowed subjects on Earth to worship Her; second, when She encouraged groups who worshiped her in different ways to slaughter one another; and third when she allowed the dodo to go extinct. Many of us liked the dodo. As a result, we have decided not to provide further funding for the experiment.”

Asked for her reaction, God said only that She was “considering her alternatives.”

Bush Complains: "God not helping"

"God is not helping," said President George. W. Bush, in an exclusive interview with The Wolf Report. "I pray and pray and pray for God's intervention. And what do I get? Advice."

"I don't need advice," he continued angrily. "I'm the president. If I want advice I can convene a goddam special committee like I've done a hundred times. And if I don't like their advice I can ignore it, like I've done," he paused to count, "well about a hundred time, too."

"I'm not praying for advice," he concluded. "I don't want a deity who telling me that there are no WMDs in Iraq. Anyone can tell you that there are no WMDs when there are no WMDs. Even I could do that. Instead, I want a deity who will perform a miracle and put WMDs where there are none."

"I'm not making any threats," Bush continued, "But I believe in the free enterprise system and and this Allah guy seems to be doing better job than the guy I've been praying to."

"Certain parties should think about this: if I can replace Donald Rumsfeld, I can replace anyone."

God Complains: "Bush Doesn't Listen"

"George Bush prays for guidance, but he doesn't listen to my answers," said God, in an exclusive Wolf Report interview today. "Either that or he listens, but doesn't follow my advice."

"What a jerk." the diety concluded angrily.

God, known to various religions under his professional or stage names which include Allah, Jehovah, and--to a small sect in Mississippi to which he recently revealed himself--as Big Billy Bob, spoke to The Wolf Report from a the center of a burning bush in Topeka Kansas.

"It pisses me off," God repeated, blazing higher and brighter. "I mean, the guy gets down on his knees; he acknowledges his ignorance and his frailty as a human being, which is dead right as far as I can see; he acknowledges my omniscience, which by the way is exactly what I knew he was going to acknowledge next; he asks for the wisdom to know what to do, which God knows--that is, which I know--he desperately needs.

"So I tell him: 'George, don't fuck with Iraq; it's going to get be a mess. Don't listen to Cheney; he's a lying asshole.' And what is he do? He gets, up and does exactly what he wants.

"Just as I knew he would, by the way," God added omnisicently.

"Thank God--that is thank Me--for The Wolf Report. At least you listen."

"Just as I knew you would."