Steve Jobs To Announce Apple iOuija and Soulbook at Macworld 2012

Steve Jobs isn't slowing down just because he's dead. Less than one month after his passing, Apple is readying his latest, and possibly most brilliant creation: the iOuija--a stylish handheld device that communicates with the afterlife. Using his own iOuija, Jobs will announce the new product at Macworld 2012 in January, along with Soulbook, an iOuija-enabled social network that lets people in the present and the afterlife communicate and share digital media in what Apple describes as a "seamless, eternal social experience."
Image by Patrick Nouhailler via Flickr
"Steve came up with iOuija and Soulbook shortly after he learned that his cancer was terminal," an Apple insider, told The Wolf Report. "We finished the basic engineering about eight months ago, and Steve could hardly wait to get to the other side so that he could run live tests, so to speak, and set up manufacturing. But family and several new projects kept him here until the very last minute. When it looked like we might miss the Macworld rollout if Steve stayed around, he headed off.

On October 6, 2012, the day after Jobs died, he assembled an afterlife-side iOuija kit and sent the first iOuija-text message to the iOuija team at Apple: "Having a wonderful time, wish you were here." He spent the rest of his first month setting up infrastructure, manufacturing operations, and distribution, while Apple engineers ironed out bugs in the iOuija's phone and video interfaces and in iOuija apps.

"Things were more complicated on the other side than Steve and the Apple team had anticipated," our source told us. "Because each major religion has its own afterlife, Steve had to negotiate dozens of contracts in just one month. Without the iOuija, which Steve used to coordinate with the Apple legal team and the earthly representatives of various religions, he could not have brought it off."

The iOuija will be available for Jews, Muslims, Christians in Heaven and Purgatory, and for members of many smaller religions right after Macworld. The iOuija-HT a ruggedized version, capable of withstanding the high temperatures of the first eight circles of Hell, will ship in May, and the iOuija-XHT for use in the Ninth Circle will ship next December. Prototypes for the iOuija-HT and -XHT were developed in just one week when the Apple team learned that regardless of religion, all lawyers were sent to Fraud and Treachery, the Eighth and Ninth Circles of Hell.

If your religion is not yet supported by iOuija, send an email to afterlife@apple.com naming your belief system. Apple will let you know when support is available. Because of incompatible protocols, Apple will not be able to support iOuija for atheists.