Onion Charged with Unfair Trade Practices

The Wolf Report has filed a complaint with the Federal Trade Commission alleging that the Internet humor site, The Onion, engages in unfair trade practices.

“The Onion is the WalMart of humor,” the complaint says. “Like the other WalMart, they use their huge size and enormous buying power to control the humor market, grabbing all the funniest headlines at substantial discounts, and forcing blogs like The Wolf Report to write stupid articles like ‘The Onion Charged With Unfair Trade Practices,’ in order to have something to post.”

“I agree,” said Chauncey Dillingham, an independent humor consultant who was invented for the purpose of having some sort of humorous quote. “This article, which you can see is barely amusing, if that, is exactly the kind of lame crap you’re left with once The Onion grabs all the good ideas. And it’s not just ideas: it’s execution, too. If I was being quoted in The Onion right now, instead of in The Wolf Report, their writers would have given me something really funny to say, and you’d be laughing your ass off, instead of wondering why this boring asshole is droning on, and on, and on, and dying for this article to end.”

Technorati Tags: Onion,Humor,Lame

The Wolf Report Circulation Breaks the 25 Mark

Driven by its latest email subscription (see graph at right), circulation of The Wolf Report slammed through the 24 subscriber barrier, to reach 25, the very next integer after 24, according to The Wolf Report’s Internet subscription service, FeedBurner, and the International Standard Table of Integers, respectively.

“We’re very proud of this accomplishment,” said Dale Cerniak, circulation manager for The Wolf Report, and one of the thousands who helped publish the Internet news journal until his sudden dismissal for incompetence about halfway through this paragraph.

“Twenty-five is just a small beginning!” Said an enthusiastic Mary Rogers, the new circulation manager for The Wolf Report, who was appointed during the white space between paragraphs. “A journal like The Wolf Report should have millions of readers, and with my plan, we can accomplish that easily!!” Rogers yelled, even more enthusiastically.

“I’m asking each reader of The Wolf Report to get two people to subscribe, today, and then the next day, to have each of those subscribers get two more to subscribe, and so on, and if we can do that then in just 20 days—through the magic of the phrase ‘and so on’—we’ll have more than 25 million subscribers!!!" Rogers shouted, somewhat hysterically.

“Or if you readers can’t wait a whole twenty days to become part of the Internet’s most popular blog, you could get 1,000 people to subscribe today, and get each of them to get 1,000 to subscribe tomorrow, and then if you get each of them 1,000 each the next day, we’d reach the 25 billion mark by either Thursday or Friday, depending on when you read this!!!!” Rogers shrieked, jumping up and down.

“So let’s get going, readers!!!!!” Rogers screamed shrilly, and collapsed.