Budget Cuts Threaten Nation’s Supply of Weather

Washington lawmakers are close to a deal that would reduce the nation’s weather supply in order to fund more important government services. The bill under consideration, the Weather Conservation Act of 2011, is the direct result of a Wolf Report editorial.

“When you’re faced with either defaulting, or with cutting national defense, Social Security, Medicare, or weather,” says Rep. Tom Gaskill, R-North Dakota. “The answer is simple: excess weather has to go. I don’t know why we haven’t seen this sooner.”

“We now realize that our weather programs, most of which were created by Republicans, are wasteful,” says Rep. Donna Morgan, D-New Jersey. “We provide weather twenty-four hours a day, three hundred sixty five days a year, to one hundred percent of the country, whether people need it or not. Our studies show that almost no one uses more than about a third of that weather, and most people use even less. In regions where population is sparse, nearly all of the weather is wasted. And some people, especially those living in cities, would be happy with no weather at all.”

While Congress decides exactly how much weather to cut, not everyone is happy with the idea. “We need more weather, not less,” says Tom Billllllinger, a stuttering 30-year old farmer in Iowa. “Without weather, how in the hell do we grow our crops? And without crops, how in the hell do we get farm subsidies?  For the next 35 years we can do without Social Security and Medicare before we can do without weather.”

The Congressional Budget Office (CBO), which evaluates the economic impact of legislative changes, agrees that we overspend on weather. “We’ve looked at both the costs and the benefits of weather,” said Jim Meltzer, spokesperson for the CBO, “and we find that weather is the most wasteful of all federal programs. The costs are high, and the benefits are small. If we took advantage of all the potential savings, we could use the money to build more than 30,000 bridges to nowhere.”

Technorati Tags: Weather,Deficit,CBO

Climate Change Started When Discovery of Fire Fucked Things Up.

Climate researcher John Williams says that the global climate change we experience today started nearly 400,000 years ago when early hominids invented fire, and began the process of completely fucking up the climate and just about everything else on the planet.

“We don’t know what the world was like before fire was invented,” said Williams, “but we do know that since then this planet has turned into a shithole.”

Using data from the Vostok Cores, which provide the most accurate record of climate over the past 400,00 years, along with speculations about when fire was invented, and his own distaste for modern civilization Williams has developed a theory that he says is a “near certainty.”

	Data from the Vostok Cores

 

“If you look at the climate record over 400,00 years you can see that there have been four major glacial epochs along with five warm “interglacial” periods. The weather has varied by more than ten degrees from coldest to warmest. If we ask ourselves ‘Why all this change?’ the answer is clear. The invention of fire has completely fucked everything up. Not just climate change, but pollution, Fox News, teenage pregnancy, and the Republican Party can all be traced back to fire.”

“As long as we continue to use fire,” Williams says, “we’ll continue to be totally fucked.”

Technorati Tags: Climate Change,Global warming,Vostok Cores

Onion Charged with Unfair Trade Practices

The Wolf Report has filed a complaint with the Federal Trade Commission alleging that the Internet humor site, The Onion, engages in unfair trade practices.

“The Onion is the WalMart of humor,” the complaint says. “Like the other WalMart, they use their huge size and enormous buying power to control the humor market, grabbing all the funniest headlines at substantial discounts, and forcing blogs like The Wolf Report to write stupid articles like ‘The Onion Charged With Unfair Trade Practices,’ in order to have something to post.”

“I agree,” said Chauncey Dillingham, an independent humor consultant who was invented for the purpose of having some sort of humorous quote. “This article, which you can see is barely amusing, if that, is exactly the kind of lame crap you’re left with once The Onion grabs all the good ideas. And it’s not just ideas: it’s execution, too. If I was being quoted in The Onion right now, instead of in The Wolf Report, their writers would have given me something really funny to say, and you’d be laughing your ass off, instead of wondering why this boring asshole is droning on, and on, and on, and dying for this article to end.”

Technorati Tags: Onion,Humor,Lame

Gore Criticizes Californians for Burning Homes

Global warming activist Al Gore has criticized Southern Californians who are accelerating the emission of green house gases and hastening global warming by burning thousands of their homes along with hundreds of thousands of acres of scrub surrounding them.

“It’s bad enough that these people ride around in their big, gas-hungry SUV’s,” said Gore, “but to add to the world’s problem by burning their homes? What exactly do they think they are doing? They must be stopped.”

“Global warming is just another ploy, a part of the Left’s long campaign try to take away our rights,” said Brewster McLeod, spokesman for the Homeowners Rights Association. “We Americans fought for the right to burn our homes, and we’re not going to give it up so a few polar bears can live the easy life.”

President Bush has declared a state of emergency in California and has ordered the Secretary of the Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI) to fly to California to personally “light a fire under some people and get this situation handled.”

Nearly 400,000 people in the area are being been evacuated so that their homes can be burned safely.

Gore: “Mass suicide will stop global warming”

Academy Award winning, Nobel Prize winning, presidential election losing hanging chad victim Al Gore will follow his Live Earth rock concert with an even larger Dying to Help rock concert and suicide pact. "Many people say that they are dying to do something," said Gore. "Now they can."

Nearly 2 billion people watched Live Earth and millions took the concert's Seven Point Pledge to reduce carbon emissions. But studies have shown that the savings from following the Pledge are minuscule. An individual who watched Live Earth for two hours, took the Pledge, and followed it meticulously over the course of a year would have offset only 80% of the carbon emissions that would have been been produced to power an energy-efficient television tuned to the broadcast.

"It's a matter of carbon economics," said Michael Finn, a spokesman for Dying To Help. "The few truly committed individuals who killed themselves right after watching Live Earth offset 100% of the carbon load they had generated while watching within ten minutes; and thereafter each one saved anywhere from 2 to 2000 tons of CO2 per year, depending on whether they lived in a tent and walked and biked like me, or owned a 10,000 square foot mansion, flew 400,000 miles a year by private jet and owned a Mercedes Maybach, two Range Rovers, an Audi A8 and a Mini Cooper S, like Madonna.

Gore and Finn are hoping that a similar number will watch this concert and that 1 million, or one half of one tenth one percent of that total will carry out the Dying to Pledge Pledge and kill themselves either during suicide breaks or after the big finale.

“If people are really committed to saving the planet,” said Gore, “they’ve got to do what it takes."

"This is what it takes.”