Wolf Report Declares on War on "Declaring war on Abstrract Terms and Collective Nouns"

Citing the failure of Lyndon Johnson’s 'War on Poverty,' Ronald Reagan's 'War on Drugs,' and George W. Bush's 'War on Terrorism,' The Wolf Report has declared 'War on Declaring War on Abstract Concepts and Collective Nouns.'

"Declaring war on abstract concepts like 'terrorism' or 'poverty' or on a collective noun like 'drugs' has done nothing to change terrorism, poverty or drugs," said The Founder, Publisher, Editor-in-Chief and Socially Responsible Policy Maven for The Wolf Report. “This sets a very low bar for success, an ideal situation for The Wolf Report, provided we don’t trip over the low bar and hit our head.”

“In doing our research,” he continued, “we found that the millions of dollars spent on these 'wars' have benefited no one but the lobbying group behind these 'wars.' So we’ve launched our own war for two reasons: first, as a public service, mainly to serve the public that we serve, and second to get our own piece of the ‘war on stuff you aren’t going to do anything effective about’ action.

“Actually, the latter would alone have been a good enough reason,” he added, referring to the second choice in the prior sentence.

According to The Wolf Report, the esteemed newspaper discovered the hidden influence of this lobbying group during an intensive research campaign lasting well over fifteen minutes. The research project, which was staffed by as many as one person “at times,” turned up incontrovertible evidence of nothing in particular which was later replaced with far less rigorous, but far more exciting evidence of wrongdoing, evil, and bizarre sexual practices.

According to The Wolf Report’s made up facts, all ‘war on…’ programs have been created by one organization: The Word Institute of Fatuous Slogans, better known as the WIFS, the name given to it by the Global Institute of Stupid Acronyms, better known as GISA, the name given to it by the Meta and Self-Referential Institute of Meta-Self-Referential Acronyms, or QZYXZ. According to the research, the WIFS has been not just behind the ‘war on…’ programs but behind nearly all the badly thought out government programs of the last two decades. WIFS entered government segment after a string of commercial slogan failures including the famous “Coke—It’s Brown Swill That Costs a Lot and Wrecks your Health,” campaign. The company has found its niche in government programs, where stupidity is less easily detected, and has not looked back since.

Today, according to The Wolf Report, “if you hear something stupid in a government program like 'Mission Accomplished' or 'Stay the Course' you pretty much know that the WIFS has been at work. George Bush does not make most of these stupid things up by himself. He has help.”

The Wolf Report believes (assuming any collective noun can believe anything--even when the collective noun is as smart as The Wolf Report) that unlike these previous ‘wars’ that The Wolf Report’s 'War on Declaring War on Abstract Concepts and Collective Nouns’ will see positive and immediate results.

“We’ve going to start by attacking the enemy that we know best—ourselves—and proceed from there,” said the Founder, Publisher, Editor-in-Chief and Strategy Tipster for The Wolf Report. “I predict that attacking ourselves as part of the ‘War on Declaring War on Abstract Concepts and Collective Nouns’ will force The Wolf Report to shut down its self-referential program by the end of this sentence, if not

,