"War on Facts" plan uncovered

The Wolf Report has learned that the Bush Administration is finalizing plans to publicly announce its “War on Facts” to the American people. The war, which has been underway for years, will be the subject of a special Presidential address to the nation, which really won’t be so much of as an 'address' as it will be a short but extremely boring speech.

“We have reasons to believe that the ‘War on Facts’ is the Bush Administration’s response to The Wolf Report’s recently announced ‘War on Declaring War on Abstractions and Collective nouns,’” said The Founder, Publisher, Editor in Chief and Political Analyst for The Wolf Report. “Our reasons for believing this include, but are by no means limited to: an overactive imagination and a vastly inflated sense of our own self importance, traits we share with the Administration.”

According to The Wolf Report’s sources, the President, who has spent nearly his entire life fighting facts, has acknowledged privately that his old strategies have not been working, especially in the face of the “fact insurgency” arising from Democratic subpoena power, a renewed activist press, and what one staffer called “such huge, enormous, gaping holes in the logic behind what we say that we can’t even fool Republicans.”

“We have to move beyond the old ways, and seek the new,” said another staffer. “While emotional appeals, slogans, simplistic arguments, half-truths, innuendo, and outright lies all have their place, they are simply not enough to counter the world-wide dissemination of facts through word-of-mouth, the Internet, and Bill Mahr. We need to do more,” he said, smiling at the incidental and wholly irrelevant fact that ‘Mahr’ sounds vaguely like ‘more’ especially when someone from Texas says it.

The President’s new approach is called ‘spinsurgency’, which staffers tell us is clever play on ‘spin’, ‘surge’ and ‘insurgency.’ The very name, and the time that they spent explaining it, are characteristic of the kind of thinking that underlies every part of the plan.

As part of the spinsurgency plan the White House will add thousands of new ‘fact fighters’ over the next few months to the already large force in place. Their job will be to ‘wage war on reality’ and 'stabilize the political landscape.'

“It’s practically impossible to govern this country our way,” one veteran explained, “when every time you turn around, you run into facts. Facts have to be gotten under control. If not, then we’re not going be able to finish the job that we’ve started.”

Administration sources have told The Wolf Report that they will mobilize the entire nation behind the President’s 'War on Facts.' “It’s not just the President who has to deal with facts that he doesn’t like. We all have facts that we’d like to get rid of. Thank goodness we’re led by an individual who won’t just ‘cut and run’ in the face of unpleasant facts, but who can face them squarely and deny them unflinchingly.”