Republicans rally around unity candidate

In the wake of Ronald Reagan’s decision not to return from the dead (see TWR article here), warring Republican factions have at last found a candidate who brings them the unity they desperately need. Republicans once again have hope.

“Bible-thumping religious Republicans who like Huckabee, tight-fisted small-government Republicans who like McCain, position-shifting corporate Republicans who like Romney, and spendthrift red-ink Republicans who once liked George W. Bush all agree that they can unite only if one candidate—a true Republican unity candidate—is nominated,” said Dean Foster, spokesman for the Committee to Save the GOP From Itself (CSGOPFI). “ We Republicans need Hillary Clinton. For the Democrats, that is.”

“We’ve known this for a long time,” said Seth Burke, who founded the Republicans for Clinton for the Democrats (RFCFD) nearly two years ago. “Given our dismal record, the scandals that have emerged since the Democrats gained a majority in Congress, and the scandals that are certain to be revealed as the election grows closer, the Republican party’s only hope is to get the Democrats to nominate someone who people can hate even more than they will hate us in six months. There’s no one else. It’s Hillary.”

“Hillary Clinton appeals to a very broad demographic, with different people hating her for different reasons,” said David Turtletaub, a political pollster. “Some hate her for who she is. Others hate her because of who her husband is. Some hate her because she is bitchy. And still others hate her because she is manipulative. She’s got something for everyone. Whether you are young, old, black, white, male or female, if you are a Republican, there’s something to hate about Hillary.

The problem facing Republicans now is to ensure Hillary’s nomination. Republicans are pouring millions of dollars into Hillary Clinton’s campaign and working to get Clinton voters to the primary polls.

“Republicans need to stop worrying about who wins the Republican nomination and start worrying about who the Democrats nominate,” said Turtletaub. “If they run against Hillary, even Fred Thompson will win. But if Obama is the candidate, they’ve got problems.”