Obama older, whiter, maler than believed

The Obama campaign is adjusting its strategy in order to show Democratic candidate Barack Obama as the most electable Democrat in a face-off with old, white, male Republican candidate John McCain. In a press conference today the campaign positioned Obama as “older, whiter, and maler than people think.”

In a press conference today, Obama spokesperson John Levitt was joined by Hilton Prescott, chief scientist at the Oreo Institute, which measures the color-ratio of people who are black on the outside and white on the inside, Rocky Burke of the Testosterone Foundation, an organization which studies the maleness of public figures, and Bob Wilson from the AARP, a lobbying group for decrepit old people.

According to The Oreo Institute, a typical Oreo has black surfaces that are twice the size of its white center, which, is why a most Oreos measure 66% black, 33% white, and one percent additives and preservatives.

But the Institute's measurements of Obama shows that he is more than 61.5% white and growing whiter by the day. “We believe his whiteness is due to several factors.” Prescott explained. “First, Obama was raised by a white mother in a single parent family; second, he went to Harvard (which alone makes him nearly 19% whiter); and third and most important, because he is committed to be as white as he needs to be to represent a mostly white American public as their president.”

The Testosterone Institute reported that they had measured the testosterone level, the primary indicator of maleness, of all the candidates, and found that Obama’s level far exceeded McCain’s, making him the more male of the two candidates. “In fact,” said Burke, “Hillary Clinton’s testosterone level exceeds McCain’s by quite a bit, which should surprise no one who has studied her career.”

The press conference continued with a discussion of Obama’s age. “If elected Obama would be older than Presidents Ulysses Grant, Theodore Roosevelt, John Kennedy, and Bill Clinton, when they took office,” Wilson said. “And if you consider the effect of Alzheimers disease on a person’s mental age, Obama is actually older than Reagan was at the end of his second term.

The Obama campaign plans a series of event to spread the news about their candidate. “Can we claim that Obama is old enough, white enough and male enough to be president?” Asked Levitt.

“Yes, we can,” he replied, indicating that the question was rhetorical.