Gore Criticizes Californians for Burning Homes

Global warming activist Al Gore has criticized Southern Californians who are accelerating the emission of green house gases and hastening global warming by burning thousands of their homes along with hundreds of thousands of acres of scrub surrounding them.

“It’s bad enough that these people ride around in their big, gas-hungry SUV’s,” said Gore, “but to add to the world’s problem by burning their homes? What exactly do they think they are doing? They must be stopped.”

“Global warming is just another ploy, a part of the Left’s long campaign try to take away our rights,” said Brewster McLeod, spokesman for the Homeowners Rights Association. “We Americans fought for the right to burn our homes, and we’re not going to give it up so a few polar bears can live the easy life.”

President Bush has declared a state of emergency in California and has ordered the Secretary of the Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI) to fly to California to personally “light a fire under some people and get this situation handled.”

Nearly 400,000 people in the area are being been evacuated so that their homes can be burned safely.

Gore: “Mass suicide will stop global warming”

Academy Award winning, Nobel Prize winning, presidential election losing hanging chad victim Al Gore will follow his Live Earth rock concert with an even larger Dying to Help rock concert and suicide pact. "Many people say that they are dying to do something," said Gore. "Now they can."

Nearly 2 billion people watched Live Earth and millions took the concert's Seven Point Pledge to reduce carbon emissions. But studies have shown that the savings from following the Pledge are minuscule. An individual who watched Live Earth for two hours, took the Pledge, and followed it meticulously over the course of a year would have offset only 80% of the carbon emissions that would have been been produced to power an energy-efficient television tuned to the broadcast.

"It's a matter of carbon economics," said Michael Finn, a spokesman for Dying To Help. "The few truly committed individuals who killed themselves right after watching Live Earth offset 100% of the carbon load they had generated while watching within ten minutes; and thereafter each one saved anywhere from 2 to 2000 tons of CO2 per year, depending on whether they lived in a tent and walked and biked like me, or owned a 10,000 square foot mansion, flew 400,000 miles a year by private jet and owned a Mercedes Maybach, two Range Rovers, an Audi A8 and a Mini Cooper S, like Madonna.

Gore and Finn are hoping that a similar number will watch this concert and that 1 million, or one half of one tenth one percent of that total will carry out the Dying to Pledge Pledge and kill themselves either during suicide breaks or after the big finale.

“If people are really committed to saving the planet,” said Gore, “they’ve got to do what it takes."

"This is what it takes.”