IRA bombers convert to Islam

Members of the Irish Republican Army (IRA) who call themselves the “Bloody Sunday Brigade” announced today that they have converted from Catholicism to Islam. They plan to resume killing civilians after they return from this year’s Hajj.

“Our goal remains the same,” an unidentified spokesperson for the group told The Wolf Report, “and that is to kill as many innocent people as it takes for Ireland to be free. But our ways have to change with the times. Islam is a more popular religion for terrorists than is Catholicism, so we’ve converted.”

“We welcome the former infidel dogs of the Bloody Sunday Brigade to the Umma, the community of believers,” said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for al-Qaeda No Liability Corporation (NLC). “We hope they will be successful.”

Iraqis believe that war is going well

According to White House sources Iraqis now believe that the war is going well and that the country is on the right road to being stabilized and turning into a representative democracy that will be a model for the Middle East. The surge strategy that deployed an additional 20,000 troops in Iraq is believed to have caused these changes.

“We have not believed this in the past,” said Hamid Saddar, one of the two Iraqis surveyed, “but I now believe that the war is going very well; and I believe that the country is on the right road to being stabilized; and I believe that it is turning into a representative democracy that will be a model for the Middle East.; and I very definitely believe that the surge strategy that deployed an additional 20,000 troops in Iraq has caused these changes.”

“I too believe the war is going very, very well,” said his brother, Muhammad. “I also believe that the country is very much on the right road to being stabilized; and I too believe that it is very much turning into a representative democracy that will be a model for the Middle East; and I most very, very definitely believe that the surge strategy that deployed an additional 20,000 troops in Iraq has caused these changes. Most certainly that is what I believe.”

“I also believe that we were not paid enough to say this,” said Hamid. “There are some very bad people out there who will kill people who say things like this if they find out. I hope they do not read any report of this because if they do they will probably kill us. Even though I did not give my true name I think we are taking a big risk. It was a lot of money, some might say, but not really enough.”

“I too believe we were not paid enough,” said Muhammad. “It is very dangerous and we were paid not nearly enough. Most certainly we were not paid enough. There are more and more very, very bad people out there every day who could kill us. But perhaps we will not be killed, and there will be other things that need to be said and perhaps next time we will be paid enough when we say those things.”

“But probably not,” said Hamid.

“Yes, I agree, probably not,” agreed Muhammad. “Most certainly probably not.”

Al-Qaeda books Tuesday

How does Osama bin Laden manage to look so slim, fit, and healthy? Al-Qaeda NLC (No Liability Corporation) says his secrets will be revealed next Tuesday when they publish two new books: “The Tora Bora Diet: the al-Qaeda Way to Lose Weight Fast,” and “Osama’s Exercise Plan: Losing Weight Fast the al-Qaeda Way.”

“These programs are practically miraculous” said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for al-Qaeda NLC. “One woman lost nearly 125 pounds on the program, and many others have had similar weight losses.”

“We’re looking into these books carefully,” said Janet Dowd of the Consumer Protection Agency. “While it’s true that working out while wearing an explosive vest—as Osama’s Exercise Plan recommends—can help lose weight faster than exercise alone, we think that the added risk may not worth the benefit. The woman that al-Qaeda cites lost her weight in a very short time when her vest suddenly exploded leaving only her head. Such a quick loss of weight may be unhealthy.”

“In addition,” Dowd continued, “the meals in the Tora Bora diet include poisonous chemicals and substances that—when mixed in the presence of stomach acid—can explode violently. These techniques certainly will cause fast weight loss, so al-Qaeda is not making any false claims. If they were, we’d be on them in a minute. Still, we think that—considering the source of these books—that we need to look into this more carefully. There may be some trick involved.”

“There are no tricks” responded Gaith. “These books are based on proven techniques. In field trials thousands of people have lost weight rapidly. This is our way to spread the benefit.”

Kidnapping interrupts publication schedule

The Wolf Report’s stream of postings was interrupted after al-Qaeda terrorists broke into The ReportPlex, the base of The Wolf Report publishing empire, kidnapped the Blog’s entire editorial and publication staff, and held them hostage for several days.

“It was devastating,” said Leonard Cohen (no relation to the song writer of the same name), The Wolf Report’s fashion editor. “Terrorists, wearing bin Laden Design’s bright new Fall 2007 suicide bomb vests, broke into our newsroom waving automatic weapons with burnished metal stocks and multicolored designer slings made of ballistic nylon, and forced us into a waiting fleet of helicopters decorated in a somewhat retro style reminiscent of Sikorsky’s classic ‘Airlift’ look.”

“It was horrifying,” said Nancy Drew (no relation to the fictional character of the same name), travel editor for The Wolf Report. “They took us to a nearby airport where impeccably courteous terrorist attendants seated us in wide, comfortable seats in the luxurious al-Qaeda Air (AQA) modified 747 wide-body that the terror network rightly considers the jewel of their fleet. After a delectable seven course dinner, in-flight entertainment that included hilarious spoof of the Iraq invasion with English subtitles, and a refreshing nap in seats that folded flat into comfortable beds, we landed at the just-completed airfield that adjoins the new Tora Bora Cave Complex and Theme Park where we were to endure our incarceration.”

“It was terrifying,” said Amadji Rhamadaja (no relation to anyone with that or any other name), who helps keep The Wolf Report’s Workplace Diversity Index above 6. “The terrorists fed and pampered us for two days while giving us many good ideas for satirical articles about the Bush administration before flying us back to The ReportPlex where they ordered us back to work.”

“Unfortunately we were not able to meet Osama himself because he and his closest aides were preparing for a traditional Islamic celebration by attaching laser beams to the heads of sharks.”

The Wolf Report will return to its regular publication schedule of “sparodically” with this issue unless there is either an alien abduction or some other reason.

Pakistani suicide bomber reassembled by NTSB

The National Traffic Safety Board (NTSB), which reassembles airplanes after catastrophic crashes has reconstructed the suicide bomber who attacked Pakistani leader Benazir Bhutto.

“We were fortunate to find the bomber’s head intact,” said Chip Ramone, head of the NTSB team that reconstructed the terrorist. “This gave us a good place to start. The rest was the result of the kind of careful work that we’re accustomed to, complicated by the fact that it was very difficult to tell which blobs of flesh or chunks of bone came from the bomber and which from his victims.”

According to the NTSB the bomber was a Pakistani hermaphrodite, seventeen feet tall, weighing 820 lbs., and easily distinguished by his four arms and three legs.

Pakistani officials say that it will not be difficult to find a man matching this unusual description and already claim to have several leads.

DHS tests changing threat levels

The Department of Homeland Stupidity (DHS) is carrying out a series of limited tests of changed threat warning levels. The tests are being run to provide DHS bureaucrats with something new bungle.

Under the DHS’s current threat warning system (see graphic at right and DHS explanation, here), the threat level color has never been lower than Yellow since the so-called “Traffic Lights of Death” were created shortly after 9-11. The traffic lights have been Red several times and have been Orange for international air travel ever since the number of air attacks stayed dramatically at zero for no reason. No one understands what the colors actually mean since all levels of terrorist attacks seems to correlate to “almost none except in Iraq.”

During the tests, which have already begun, threat levels in specific regions of the United States are moved up and down for short periods of time to see whether anyone notices . “We have several hypotheses that we are trying to test,” said a DHS spokesperson trying to justify the outrageous expense of the program by using big words that sound scientific. “One hypothesis is that anyone who changes behavior in a way that correlates with changes in threat color is a terrorist. Another hypothesis is that nobody gives a shit.”

Terrorist Follows GI Home

In a chilling fulfillment of predictions made by supporters of the Iraq war, an al-Qaeda terrorist has followed a returning American soldier home from Iraq. The terrorist, Mohammed Faleh, appeared Sunday afternoon outside the home of infantryman Lewis Jacobi, recently returned from his third tour of duty

“He introduced himself very politely,” said Jacobi’s wife Amy, “and explained how he’d followed Lew home. So Lew and I invited him in to watch the Jets game and have some ribs. He was really quite nice—especially considering he’s an al-Qaeda terrorist.”

“With trans-Atlantic airfares at an all-time low thanks to deregulation’s fostering increased competition among air carriers,” said Faleh in halting English, “we terrorists can cost-effectively follow American soldiers home. But then what? I am the first of my family to come to America. I have no cousins driving taxicabs in New York. So how do I get a job? What do I do?”

“That’s where we come in,” said Amy Ledbetter spokesperson for the Terrorist Assistance League (TAL), a member of the Alliance of Bleeding Heart Liberal Charities (ABHLC). “We help terrorists like Mohammed get jobs, buy consumer goods, and quickly ssive credit-card debt—so quickly that they have no time to train to fly planes into skyscrapers or plant bombs in subways.”

“This is a chilling fulfillment of the predictions we have made,” said Amos Devlin, spokesperson for the administration. “To prevent more al-Qaeda terrorists from following more Americans home, all leaves and duty rotations from Iraq are cancelled until further notice”

“No News November Ninth” Planned

With dozens of news channels, news radio stations, news sites, news feeds, and news-oriented blogs assaulting the public, increasing stress, driving up blood pressures, and causing heart attacks, health officials have called for one day a year during which, in the words of World Health Organization (WHO) spokesperson Akidje Olotunje, “the only news will be that there was no news at all.”

WHO has proposed that governments, corporations, research institutions, and others who make news—including terrorists, rapists and serial killers—all agree to do nothing newsworthy for one day a year, to be called No News November Ninth.

“No news is good news,” said Olotunje. “That’s a quote. I didn’t make it up. Honest.”

CIA: Steel Cage Interrogation OK

General Michael V. Hayden, Director of the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) announced today that the enhanced interrogation technique called Steel Cage Interrogation was not torture. Steel Cage Interrogation can continue to be used in all CIA intelligence gathering activities.

Modeled after the steel cage wrestling matches of the World Wrestling Federation (WWF) the interrogation technique has few rules. Interrogators can lift their subjects and drop them on their backs and heads, throw them onto folding tables or ladders, or can beat with chairs and garbage pails. They can also gouge their eyes, kick them in the face, head, back and groin, twisth their arms and legs, and smash them with their forearms, but not closed fists.

To ensure that subjects are not unduly abused, Steel Cage Interrogations are supervised by referees who are selected for high levels of inattention and distractibility. If an interrogator violates one of the rules of Steel Cage Interrogation—for example by choking a subject—the referee can insist that the interrogator stop choking within thirty seconds providing that the referee happens to notice what’s going on right in front of him. Failure to pay attention to a referee’s instructions can result in the interrogator forfeiting interrogation rights and the subject being allowed to keep his secrets.

“Steel Cage Interrogation has been a powerful tool in what we like to call ‘the arsenal of democracy,’ whenever we try to fool gullible citizens by applying lofty terms to brutal practices,” said a CIA spokesperson. “SCI is not torture. If it were, it would not be on television.”

Bomber's Head Sent to Guantanamo for Questioning

A severed head, believed to be that of the man who blew himself up attacking Pakastani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto was discovered by police amidst the carnage. (See news story here).

To discover the attacker's identity and possible collaborators the police have circulated photographs of the head (See here).

United States President George W. Bush quickly offered to have the CIA interrogate the head using the CIA's recently developed "enhanced interrogation techniques for severed heads."

The offer was accepted by the government of Pakistan, and the head is now on its way to Guantanamo.

"The severed head may not be talking right now," said a spokesman for the CIA's Department of Questionable Interrogation Practices (DQIP), "but by the time we're finished, it will be singing like a bird, metaphorically speaking, of course."

Karachi Bomb Blasts Make Iraq, US Safer

More than 136 people were killed and as many as 500 were wounded in Karachi on Friday, as a lone suicide bomber attacked the convoy of returning Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto. (See story)

“Tragic as the bomb blasts have been for the people of Pakistan, said David Patraeus, America’s Surgin’ General (see story), Friday’s bombing means that Iraq is relatively more secure than it has been in the past.

“Just a few months ago,” he explained, “the civilian death rate in Iraq was nearly one hundred times that of Pakistan. With yesterday’s events, and some hoped-for reprisals, Baghdad will actually be safer than Karachi this week.”

“Tragic as the bomb blasts have been for the people of Pakistan,” said Maureen O’Donnell, this week’s spokesperson for the Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI), “the attack missed Washington by a full 7466 miles.

“The last major attack, in London England,” she explained, “missed us by only 3656 miles. This is clear evidence that our protective measures are working and that we are now 3810 miles safer.”

“Tragic as the bomb blasts have been for the people of Pakistan,” said George W. Bush, “especially for the dead ones,” he continued, “and for many of the ones who were wounded, especially the ones with very bad wounds, wounds were really painful and hurt a lot, and of course for their families—families that very important to people in Pakistan just like they are to Americans, even though they aren’t the same families—well,” he explained, “it’s been very tragic.”

100,000th Terror Attack Foiled

The Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI) has announced that it had foiled the 100,000th terrorist attack against the United States since 9/11.

According to the DHI report, released exclusively to The Wolf Report, the attack was predicted by DHI computer simulations which identified the threat, the perpetrators and the ideal moment to disrupt the plan. The attack would have have killed hundreds of thousands, had it been carried out, would have been executed by a group called Islamic Jihad USA, had the group been formed, and would have masterminded by a radicalized Chinese-American who would have changed his name to Hamid Al-Jabar, had he been born.

The President, using powers granted him under the still secret "Patriot Act Ain't Nothing Compared to This" Act (PAANCTA), ordered DHI, DEA., IRS, and FBI operatives to break into the home of the would-be parents of this would-be terrorist, at the moment that DHI computers had picked for disrupting the plot: while they were engaged in the sex act that would have conceived the child, just before the would-be father climaxed.

Acting with skill and efficiency--the result of many similar plot-disruption missions--the agents were able to control what would almost certainly have been an explosive orgasm. They safely captured the ejaculate containing the sperm that would have become the man who would have formed the group that would have carried out the attack, and within hours the specimen had been sent to Guantanamo where it will be subjected to enhanced interrogation techniques. The ovum was believed innocent and was released on its own recognizance subject to further investigation.

"Based on tens of thousands of similar foiled terror attempts" said Arnold McCorkle, spokesman for the DHI, "we expect that interrogation will lead to more potential conspirators and more foiled attacks."

"The Department does not normally make an announcement each time we prevent an attack," said McCorkle, explaining the revelation. "That would leave us no time for actually carrying out the detailed and sophisticated analysis needed to predict, confirm, and forestall these events. But the 100,000th attack is a milestone that should deflect critics who believe we do nothing more than fail to manage duct tape supplies and create new threat warning systems.

Al-Qaeda NLC to start social networking site

The Wolf Report has learned that Al-Qaeda NLC, the organization licensing the Al-Qaeda terror brand, is working on an social networking site for Islamic women. The site, to be called I-cant-see-your-facebook.com will be launched in December, just before the rumored IPO.

"This diversifies Al-Qaeda's holding, which are overly concentrated in the suicide bomber and IED manufacturing sectors" said Hamid Al Qadari, analyst for international hedge fund Taliban Caves Partners (TCP) . "By adding a social networking site to their portfolio they can present themselves as a more attractive investment while at the same time recruiting female bombers."

"Upon advice of our investment bankers" said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for Al-Qaeda, LLC, "we can neither confirm nor deny this rumored web site or the rumored IPO, which, if it were to happen might now be at a price of $12.00 to 14.00. Speaking hypothetically, of course."

City of Boston Declared No Humor Zone

Following the arrest of a 19-year old MIT student for wearing clothing that authorities at Boston's Logan Airport believed was a “hoax bomb,” Boston Mayor Tom Menino has declared the entire city a “No Humor Zone.”

Boston was paralyzed last January after police, who discovered blinking electronic signs showing a cartoon character giving people the finger just three short weeks after the signs had been put up, decided that the cartoons might be part of a terror attack.

"Al-Queda is constantly changing their tactics," a police official explained at the time. "The very fact that they have never used blinking electronic cartoons would have been proof that they did it if they actually had done it. Thus we were right to react as we did."

In a press conference following the Logan arrest Menino explained that insensitivity to humor, whimsy, or irony was just one element of the city's approach to terror threats. “We know that terrorists have no sense of humor at all" Menino said, "so we’ve made sure that the people who assess terror threats are likewise incapable of laughing at anything, no matter how funny others might find it. We believe that this may help us see through tactics that other police forces might overlook. When New York is destroyed by exploding Whoopee Cushions, we'll see who has the last laugh."

In order to reduce the number of false alarms, and to make the city's policy clear enough that even MIT students can understand it, the Mayor has directed his Task Force for Stupid Signs to create a “No Humor Zone” sign, shown above. The mayor has ordered fifteen thousand to be posted throughout the city.

“People need to realize that in Boston, humor is not a laughing matter,” said a spokesperson for the Mayor's office.