Karachi Bomb Blasts Make Iraq, US Safer

More than 136 people were killed and as many as 500 were wounded in Karachi on Friday, as a lone suicide bomber attacked the convoy of returning Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto. (See story)

“Tragic as the bomb blasts have been for the people of Pakistan, said David Patraeus, America’s Surgin’ General (see story), Friday’s bombing means that Iraq is relatively more secure than it has been in the past.

“Just a few months ago,” he explained, “the civilian death rate in Iraq was nearly one hundred times that of Pakistan. With yesterday’s events, and some hoped-for reprisals, Baghdad will actually be safer than Karachi this week.”

“Tragic as the bomb blasts have been for the people of Pakistan,” said Maureen O’Donnell, this week’s spokesperson for the Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI), “the attack missed Washington by a full 7466 miles.

“The last major attack, in London England,” she explained, “missed us by only 3656 miles. This is clear evidence that our protective measures are working and that we are now 3810 miles safer.”

“Tragic as the bomb blasts have been for the people of Pakistan,” said George W. Bush, “especially for the dead ones,” he continued, “and for many of the ones who were wounded, especially the ones with very bad wounds, wounds were really painful and hurt a lot, and of course for their families—families that very important to people in Pakistan just like they are to Americans, even though they aren’t the same families—well,” he explained, “it’s been very tragic.”

Al-Qaeda Outsources Terror Opertions to Blackwater

Special report from secret operative RNS.

Discouraged that its 100,000th terrorist attack had been foiled by skilled and dedicated operatives of the Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI) (see story here) al-Qaeda NLC's board of directors announced today that it was outsourcing terrorist operations to Blackwater, USA.

In a video recorded in an unidentified cave in an unidentified location, an unidentified al-Qaeda spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to be unanonymous, said that Blackwater was the logical partner to help al-Qaeda retain its majority share of the international terror market.

"This was a business decision, pure and simple,” noted the spokesman, who stipulated that these remarks were not to be attributed to him. “Blackwater has substantial assets, highly trained personnel, and a proven record for both terrorist tactics and for duping the US government, all the characteristics we needed in a partner."

Financial arrangements were resolved quickly as al-Qaeda is currently awash with money from its flag operations (story here), but compensation for martyred Blackwater operatives turned into the most difficult issue the two partners faced, the spokesman reported. Al-Qaeda had initially offered the standard Hadith-specified reward of 72 virgins per martyr (see here, here, and here for references). Blackwater accepted the offer, provided that the virgins were American. The al-Qaeda negotiating team pointed out that there were no American virgins older than age ten and offered Arab virgins instead. Blackwater refused the offer and negotiations stalled.

Finally, Osama Bin Laden personally stepped in and within 24 hours had hammered out a deal that upped the reward to 83 virgins per martyr, capped the number of martyrs based on successful missions, and gained agreement on European, Latin American and Japanese virgins.

"This will strengthen both Blackwater and al-Qaeda," said Hamid Al Qadari, analyst for international hedge fund Taliban Caves Partners (TCP).

100,000th Terror Attack Foiled

The Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI) has announced that it had foiled the 100,000th terrorist attack against the United States since 9/11.

According to the DHI report, released exclusively to The Wolf Report, the attack was predicted by DHI computer simulations which identified the threat, the perpetrators and the ideal moment to disrupt the plan. The attack would have have killed hundreds of thousands, had it been carried out, would have been executed by a group called Islamic Jihad USA, had the group been formed, and would have masterminded by a radicalized Chinese-American who would have changed his name to Hamid Al-Jabar, had he been born.

The President, using powers granted him under the still secret "Patriot Act Ain't Nothing Compared to This" Act (PAANCTA), ordered DHI, DEA., IRS, and FBI operatives to break into the home of the would-be parents of this would-be terrorist, at the moment that DHI computers had picked for disrupting the plot: while they were engaged in the sex act that would have conceived the child, just before the would-be father climaxed.

Acting with skill and efficiency--the result of many similar plot-disruption missions--the agents were able to control what would almost certainly have been an explosive orgasm. They safely captured the ejaculate containing the sperm that would have become the man who would have formed the group that would have carried out the attack, and within hours the specimen had been sent to Guantanamo where it will be subjected to enhanced interrogation techniques. The ovum was believed innocent and was released on its own recognizance subject to further investigation.

"Based on tens of thousands of similar foiled terror attempts" said Arnold McCorkle, spokesman for the DHI, "we expect that interrogation will lead to more potential conspirators and more foiled attacks."

"The Department does not normally make an announcement each time we prevent an attack," said McCorkle, explaining the revelation. "That would leave us no time for actually carrying out the detailed and sophisticated analysis needed to predict, confirm, and forestall these events. But the 100,000th attack is a milestone that should deflect critics who believe we do nothing more than fail to manage duct tape supplies and create new threat warning systems.

Duct tape to be used in new initiative

The president has just created a new branch of government to manage the purchase and storage of hundreds of millions of rolls of duct tape and their subsequent deployment in national emergencies, such as falling presidential approval ratings and widening credibility gaps. The organization, called the Federal Strategic Duct Tape Management Agency Department Bureau Office (FSDTMADBO) has been created at the cabinet level, and is authorized to purchase and deliver the billions of rolls of duct tape needed to repair the problems that the administration creates each day.

Besides dealing with today's problems, The Agency Department Bureau Office will be responsible for preparing for tomorrow's blunders by building a National Strategic Duct Tape Repository where hundreds of millions of rolls of duct tape will be stored and allowed to rot, and to manage a Federal Duct Tape Emergency Response Team (FDTERT) capable of delivering rotted duct tape anywhere that the government operates, in less than day.

"If FDTERT has been around when hurricane Katrina struck," said an FSDTMADBO spokesperson, "we would have duct-taped the levees in just a few hours and been able to prevent billions of dollars in damage. And if we had been around when the tidal wave struck Indonesia we would have duct taped something or other that would have either saved lives or looked good on TV."

According to sources, the president briefly considered two other strategies: either having the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) manage the duct tape or to create a duct tape management agency within the Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI). But a quick study showed that both FEMA and DHI were both badly in need of duct taping themselves and they could not take on additional responsibilities.

Duct tape shortages are predicted as Republican and Democratic parties as well as individual candidates are building up their own supplies of duct tape for the coming campaign, and the government of Iraq is making large purchases in order to hold a fractured nation together.

Scientists are studying whether duct tape can be used to stop global warming, or at least seem to.

Department Announces New Threat Warning System

The Department of Homeland Insecurity has announced that the old five-color threat awareness system, sometimes called "The Traffic Lights of Death" will be retired. In its place the department has unveiled a new warning system that is "more appropriate to al-Qaeda's expanded tactics.

Using the new system, the nation's entire threat posture can be characterized using a single image created by choosing colors singly or in pairs from a palate of 75 federally approved colors, and combining them with one or more of the one hundred patterns and textures currently authorized by the Department. New colors and textures will be added as new threats are imagined.

The threat status within the image can be interpreted in two levels. First, the basic threat status can be interpreted using the 200 page Department of Homeland Insecurity manual, called the Feng Shui of Modern Threats. The details of the threat can be understood using the Department's five volume set called Modern Terror Explained.

These documents will not be released to the public but will instead continue to be classified SECRET, according to a Department of Insecurity spokesman. This must be done “to keep this wily enemy from using our own threat warning system against us.”

Today's threat status is mauve and puce on a classic Williamsburg brick texture.