Al-Qaeda NLC to start social networking site

The Wolf Report has learned that Al-Qaeda NLC, the organization licensing the Al-Qaeda terror brand, is working on an social networking site for Islamic women. The site, to be called I-cant-see-your-facebook.com will be launched in December, just before the rumored IPO.

"This diversifies Al-Qaeda's holding, which are overly concentrated in the suicide bomber and IED manufacturing sectors" said Hamid Al Qadari, analyst for international hedge fund Taliban Caves Partners (TCP) . "By adding a social networking site to their portfolio they can present themselves as a more attractive investment while at the same time recruiting female bombers."

"Upon advice of our investment bankers" said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for Al-Qaeda, LLC, "we can neither confirm nor deny this rumored web site or the rumored IPO, which, if it were to happen might now be at a price of $12.00 to 14.00. Speaking hypothetically, of course."

Rumor: Al-Qaeda NLC planning IPO in 2008

The Wolf Report has learned that Al-Qaeda, NLC (No Liability Corporation)--the company that licenses the Al-Qaeda terror brand worldwide--is planning an initial public offering sometime in 2008. The stock will be listed on the New York Stock exchange and the ticker symbol will be either JHAD or AQDA.

"Upon advice of our investment bankers" said Abu Gaith, spokesperson for Al-Qaeda, LLC, and definitely not the guy who tipped us to the story "we can neither confirm nor deny this rumor, nor will we confirm the rumor that the opening price will be between $10.00 and $12.00 per share."

"This makes a great deal of sense from a supply and demand perspective" said Hamid Al Qadari, analyst for international hedge fund Taliban Caves Partners (TCP) . "Portfolio managers have realized that in order to truly diversify that they must balance their investments in companies that might be targeted by terrorist organizations with shares in the terrorist organizations themselves.

"But if you look at the terror stocks you might invest in, they out there are regional and not all that good. I expect that Al-Qaeda, LLC will get a good price at this time. Probably between $10.00 and $12.00 per share."

Republicans, Democrats vie for Al-Qaeda Endorsement

With control of Congress and the White House at stake, Republicans and Democrats are in a frantic bidding war for the coveted Al-Qaeda presidential endorsement. Whoever wins will be rewarded with video in which Osama bin Laden will speak in favor of the other party. Analysts believe that this could influence as many as 20 million voters.

To ensure they win this important political prize, Republicans, have already more than doubled their 2000 offer to Al-Qaeda. And each time Senataor Larry Craig visits a mens room they raise the offer still further.

"A deal with Al-Qaeda is a smart investment," said an anonymous highly-placed knowledgeable source in the Bush campaign from behind bars, "By paying to get their support for Kerry in 2000- we showed the American people which party knew how to get the job done."

"It won't be as easy for the Republicans this time," said Tim Merril, Chairman of the Democratic Party's Office of Officially Refuting Statements Made By Anonymous Highly Placed Knowledgeable Sources in the Republican party, "With our lead in fund raising," he continued, "we feel confident that we can beat any offer the they might come up with."

"Not necessarily so," said Hamid Al Qadari, an analyst for Taliban Caves Partners (TCP) a hedge fund that seems to have an uncanny ability to short the right stocks just before an Al-Qaeda attack. "Although the Democrats' direct offer may be higher, the Administration is considering a sort of short-term amnesty to allow Osama to come to the United States and speak directly on behalf of whoever the Democrats nominate. That would be hard for the Democrats to beat."

Al-Qaeda files suit in Iraq, US, and Israel

Citing the value of the Al-Qaeda brand, the international terror organization has filed simultaneous lawsuits in the Iraq, the United States, and Israel. The suits allege misuse of Al-Qaeda trademarks, and insist on substantial damages.

“Osama [bin Laden] has spent his life building our brand,” an Al-Qaeda spokesperson told us over a secure Internet phone call from the organization’s corporate headquarters, a cave in northern Pakistan. “He is not going to let the brand be compromised through unauthorized use. He will to protect our good name with strong legal action followed by some very big car bombs.”

The suit filed in Iraq names the organization that calls itself “Al-Qaeda in Mesopotamia” as principal defendant. According to the bin Laden spokesperson, Al-Qaeda in Mesopotamia was licensed to use the Al-Qaeda brand on a year to year basis, with automatic renewal if a contractually specified number of Iraqi officials, American soldiers, and innocent bystanders were killed each year.

“They have successfully met two of the targets,” said the spokesperson, “but they have utterly failed to kill the required number of innocents, and thus can no longer use our brand in their recruiting. According to our contract, they must now call themselves ‘Incompetent Assholes in Mesopotamia,’ a name which they have refused to use.

The suit also names the Iraqi government and the United States Military as co-defendants. “We have notified both of the correct new name of the organization that they claim they are fighting, but they continue to claim that they are after Al-Qaeda,” said the spokesperson. “This is proof of the value of our brand and why it must be protected at all costs.”

The second suit, filed in the United States, is directed at Apple, Inc., a large electronics manufacturer, and is a pre-emptive effort to block a new Apple product from reaching market. The new product, called the Al-QiPod, combines a video iPod with an explosives belt and royalty free downloads. According to the spokesperson the Al-QiPod was to be sold to millions of teen-agers throughout the Middle East. “We are very open to an accommodation on this one,” said the representative, “as it is in our best interests to see this product launched quickly.”

The subject of the final suit, filed in Israel, was unavailable at press time. An Israeli Federal Court representative acknowledges receiving a large box labeled “Contains VERY IMPORTANT Legal Materials; Please Open in a Crowded Place.” “Since this box says that it is very important,” said the representative, “we’ve decided to wait for the next session of the Knesset before opening it.”

Al-Qaeda believes all three suits will be successful and expects that the damages will be substantial “whether or not we win in court.”

Department Announces New Threat Warning System

The Department of Homeland Insecurity has announced that the old five-color threat awareness system, sometimes called "The Traffic Lights of Death" will be retired. In its place the department has unveiled a new warning system that is "more appropriate to al-Qaeda's expanded tactics.

Using the new system, the nation's entire threat posture can be characterized using a single image created by choosing colors singly or in pairs from a palate of 75 federally approved colors, and combining them with one or more of the one hundred patterns and textures currently authorized by the Department. New colors and textures will be added as new threats are imagined.

The threat status within the image can be interpreted in two levels. First, the basic threat status can be interpreted using the 200 page Department of Homeland Insecurity manual, called the Feng Shui of Modern Threats. The details of the threat can be understood using the Department's five volume set called Modern Terror Explained.

These documents will not be released to the public but will instead continue to be classified SECRET, according to a Department of Insecurity spokesman. This must be done “to keep this wily enemy from using our own threat warning system against us.”

Today's threat status is mauve and puce on a classic Williamsburg brick texture.