100,000th Terror Attack Foiled

The Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI) has announced that it had foiled the 100,000th terrorist attack against the United States since 9/11.

According to the DHI report, released exclusively to The Wolf Report, the attack was predicted by DHI computer simulations which identified the threat, the perpetrators and the ideal moment to disrupt the plan. The attack would have have killed hundreds of thousands, had it been carried out, would have been executed by a group called Islamic Jihad USA, had the group been formed, and would have masterminded by a radicalized Chinese-American who would have changed his name to Hamid Al-Jabar, had he been born.

The President, using powers granted him under the still secret "Patriot Act Ain't Nothing Compared to This" Act (PAANCTA), ordered DHI, DEA., IRS, and FBI operatives to break into the home of the would-be parents of this would-be terrorist, at the moment that DHI computers had picked for disrupting the plot: while they were engaged in the sex act that would have conceived the child, just before the would-be father climaxed.

Acting with skill and efficiency--the result of many similar plot-disruption missions--the agents were able to control what would almost certainly have been an explosive orgasm. They safely captured the ejaculate containing the sperm that would have become the man who would have formed the group that would have carried out the attack, and within hours the specimen had been sent to Guantanamo where it will be subjected to enhanced interrogation techniques. The ovum was believed innocent and was released on its own recognizance subject to further investigation.

"Based on tens of thousands of similar foiled terror attempts" said Arnold McCorkle, spokesman for the DHI, "we expect that interrogation will lead to more potential conspirators and more foiled attacks."

"The Department does not normally make an announcement each time we prevent an attack," said McCorkle, explaining the revelation. "That would leave us no time for actually carrying out the detailed and sophisticated analysis needed to predict, confirm, and forestall these events. But the 100,000th attack is a milestone that should deflect critics who believe we do nothing more than fail to manage duct tape supplies and create new threat warning systems.

City of Boston Declared No Humor Zone

Following the arrest of a 19-year old MIT student for wearing clothing that authorities at Boston's Logan Airport believed was a “hoax bomb,” Boston Mayor Tom Menino has declared the entire city a “No Humor Zone.”

Boston was paralyzed last January after police, who discovered blinking electronic signs showing a cartoon character giving people the finger just three short weeks after the signs had been put up, decided that the cartoons might be part of a terror attack.

"Al-Queda is constantly changing their tactics," a police official explained at the time. "The very fact that they have never used blinking electronic cartoons would have been proof that they did it if they actually had done it. Thus we were right to react as we did."

In a press conference following the Logan arrest Menino explained that insensitivity to humor, whimsy, or irony was just one element of the city's approach to terror threats. “We know that terrorists have no sense of humor at all" Menino said, "so we’ve made sure that the people who assess terror threats are likewise incapable of laughing at anything, no matter how funny others might find it. We believe that this may help us see through tactics that other police forces might overlook. When New York is destroyed by exploding Whoopee Cushions, we'll see who has the last laugh."

In order to reduce the number of false alarms, and to make the city's policy clear enough that even MIT students can understand it, the Mayor has directed his Task Force for Stupid Signs to create a “No Humor Zone” sign, shown above. The mayor has ordered fifteen thousand to be posted throughout the city.

“People need to realize that in Boston, humor is not a laughing matter,” said a spokesperson for the Mayor's office.

Department Announces New Threat Warning System

The Department of Homeland Insecurity has announced that the old five-color threat awareness system, sometimes called "The Traffic Lights of Death" will be retired. In its place the department has unveiled a new warning system that is "more appropriate to al-Qaeda's expanded tactics.

Using the new system, the nation's entire threat posture can be characterized using a single image created by choosing colors singly or in pairs from a palate of 75 federally approved colors, and combining them with one or more of the one hundred patterns and textures currently authorized by the Department. New colors and textures will be added as new threats are imagined.

The threat status within the image can be interpreted in two levels. First, the basic threat status can be interpreted using the 200 page Department of Homeland Insecurity manual, called the Feng Shui of Modern Threats. The details of the threat can be understood using the Department's five volume set called Modern Terror Explained.

These documents will not be released to the public but will instead continue to be classified SECRET, according to a Department of Insecurity spokesman. This must be done “to keep this wily enemy from using our own threat warning system against us.”

Today's threat status is mauve and puce on a classic Williamsburg brick texture.