The United States Bureau of Impractical Solutions (BIS) has announced the results of a two-year, $300M study that has demonstrated the feasibility of fixing the United States health care system using duct tape.
“There’s no question that the health care system is broken,” said John Howard Atkinson, BIS Director. “There’s also no question that duct tape can fix anything. We really just needed to determine how much duct tape we’d need, and how to apply it.”
The BIS study included a pilot project—fixing the health care systems of several mid-sized American towns with just a few hundred rolls of tape each. Based on the project’s success the Bureau has now requested $7B to purchase the duct tape needed for the entire health care system, to train a corps of Federal Duct Tapers, and to fund the program for the two years it will take to fix health care. “Unlike other plans,” said Atkinson, “this is not a Band-Aid solution that will only hold for a short time. It’s a duct tape solution, and that means it’s going to last.”
“The best news,” said Atkinson, “is that this same technique can be used to fix other problems. The Bureau has authorized two new studies, one to find out how much duct tape it will take to fix the American economy, and the other to calculate the duct tape needed to fix our broken political system. Once the Federal Duct Tapers are finished with health care, they’ll transition to taping up these other problems.”
“We’ve always believed that a nation that could send a man to the moon could fix its health care system, its economy, and its political system with duct tape,” says Atkinson confidently. “Now we know that it’s just a matter of yardage.”
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