100,000th Terror Attack Foiled

The Department of Homeland Insecurity (DHI) has announced that it had foiled the 100,000th terrorist attack against the United States since 9/11.

According to the DHI report, released exclusively to The Wolf Report, the attack was predicted by DHI computer simulations which identified the threat, the perpetrators and the ideal moment to disrupt the plan. The attack would have have killed hundreds of thousands, had it been carried out, would have been executed by a group called Islamic Jihad USA, had the group been formed, and would have masterminded by a radicalized Chinese-American who would have changed his name to Hamid Al-Jabar, had he been born.

The President, using powers granted him under the still secret "Patriot Act Ain't Nothing Compared to This" Act (PAANCTA), ordered DHI, DEA., IRS, and FBI operatives to break into the home of the would-be parents of this would-be terrorist, at the moment that DHI computers had picked for disrupting the plot: while they were engaged in the sex act that would have conceived the child, just before the would-be father climaxed.

Acting with skill and efficiency--the result of many similar plot-disruption missions--the agents were able to control what would almost certainly have been an explosive orgasm. They safely captured the ejaculate containing the sperm that would have become the man who would have formed the group that would have carried out the attack, and within hours the specimen had been sent to Guantanamo where it will be subjected to enhanced interrogation techniques. The ovum was believed innocent and was released on its own recognizance subject to further investigation.

"Based on tens of thousands of similar foiled terror attempts" said Arnold McCorkle, spokesman for the DHI, "we expect that interrogation will lead to more potential conspirators and more foiled attacks."

"The Department does not normally make an announcement each time we prevent an attack," said McCorkle, explaining the revelation. "That would leave us no time for actually carrying out the detailed and sophisticated analysis needed to predict, confirm, and forestall these events. But the 100,000th attack is a milestone that should deflect critics who believe we do nothing more than fail to manage duct tape supplies and create new threat warning systems.