Carmaker advocates deny "blank check" rumor

“The government is not giving the automobile industry a blank check,” said Tim Whale, president of the Automotive Make-a-Wish Foundation (AMAWF), a charitable organization serving the needs of the automobile industry. “And if they gave us a blank check we'd just have to make it out for $15 billion dollars ourselves,which would probably take us several weeks and cost a million or two. So giving us one alrady made out for $15 billion is going to save the taxpayer money.”

“The automobile industry does not want a blank check,” agreed Donovan White, chairman of the Big Brothers of Automotive America (BBAA), also a charitable organization for downtrodden American automakers. “A $15 billion dollar check is quit sufficient, this month. Making it blank serves no purpose other than to try an portray automakers as greedy.”

“As good as the automotive industry is at losing money,” said Bill Melman, head of Gazillions for Gas Guzzlers (GfGG), an automotive lobbying organization recently re-registered as a charity, “we can’t lose more than $15 billion in a month, so providing us with a blank check is unnecessary.”

Belichick recommends retroactive suspension for Burris

New England Patriots' coach Bill Belichick has endorsed the New York Giants' decision to suspend wide receiver Plaxico Burris. Belichick has also suggested that Burris' suspension be made retroactive.

 “Making Burris’ suspension retroactive from, say about thirty-six seconds before the end of, I guess maybe the fourth quarter in, oh, whatever game he might have been playing on, say February 3^rd, that would send a strong message to younger players: not only would their future be in jeopardy, but their past would be as well.”

 “Anything less woudl certainly send the wrong kind of message.”

Automakers deciding how to get to Washington for bail-out money

Reacting to Congress’ outrage at their flying to Washington in three separate corporate jets, the presidents of General Motors, Ford, and Chrysler have taken action.

“It took a lot of hard work,” said Tim Johnson, a consultant who headed the tripartite task force that made the ultimate decision, “and because we wanted to make the decision that would create the best possible impression of concern, we spared no expense.”

“Initially many of us believed that it would be best to have the presidents hitchhike,” he explained. “By riding in cars that were already headed toward Washington, this would not only minimize cost, but also have the smallest impact on the environment.”

“However the consultants who studied hitchhiking determined that the time to get there was too highly variable. Their report, based on experiments by more than 100 hitch hiking teams, showed that times varied from twelve hours to more than ten days.”

“The consultants who studied car pooling determined that the trip would take approximately nine hours under good driving conditions, and if the presidents left Detroit in the late evening, they could arrive in Washington with ample time before the hearings; could testify; and then could drive back after rush hour, thus saving the cost of three hotel rooms.”

“Unfortunately, the follow-on study, to decide what kind of car to take could not be completed. Each of the companies felt that if their car was not chosen that it would reflect badly on their corporate image. ”

“Meanwhile the consultants that we hired to review the work of these and five other consulting teams and twelve internal teams, four from each company, arrived at a compromise which the presidents have all agreed to. Each of the presidents will fly to an undisclosed airport near Washington in his company’s private jet; each will hitchhike separately to Washington. The flights would save time, and the hitchhiking would give the appearance of caring.

“The presidents would then each drive back to Detroit in individual armored cars filled with money, showing a hands-on attitude. The entire process would be captured on film and made a part of a one hour documentary to be broadcast during prime time periods that we have purchased for that purpose.”

“The fact this entire study, involving more than a thousand people, could be done in less than two weeks, and at a cost of under $40 million, shows that the American automobile industry is nimble and creative, and fully deserving of the billions we're asking for.”

 

Planetary healing stops, reverses

In his victory speech at the end of the primary season Senator Barack Obama said: "Generations from now, we will be able to look back and tell our children...this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal."

But scientists now report that any planetary healing that began that night has either reversed itself or never began at all. Further they report there is no evidence that the rise of the oceans has changed in any way.

"It's rather disappointing," said Carson Fulbright, head of the World Council of Hopeful Scientists, which began studying the problem right after Obama's announcement. "We were hoping that this would truly be a turning point, and that it would save us a lot of time, money, and sacrifice. But apparently everything is going to hell just the same way as it was before the speech. It will be hard to tell that to my children, years from now, but I will if that's the truth."

The Council will issue another report one month after the Democratic National Convention to see whether Obama's actual nomination or his nominating speech, rather than his primary season victory, starts the healing process and slows the rise.

"With Obama there's always hope," says Fulbright.

Bush: United States getting daily closer to next terrorist attacks

Citing a new study by the Department of Homeland Stupidity (DHS), President George W. Bush has announced that new terrorist attacks on the United States are"inevitably approaching" and the next one is "getting closer day by day."

The study shows that while the exact time of the attacks cannot be predicted, it is possible to determine that each attack is getting closer. The rate of approach of attacks has been constant over the course of years and nothing has been able to slow their approach.

"Our enemies do not rest and they do not sleep," said Calvin Worthington, the DHS scientist who carried out the analysis. "The attacks--not just one of them, but all of them as far as we can determine--get a month closer roughly every 30 days."

The DHS encourages all Americans to continue to follow the Department's guidelines for the "elevated" threat levels that have been in place for as long as anyone can remember. Citizens should alternate between fear and apathy, and should support all irrational government policies.

"We believe that our policy of stupidity and hyperemotion has convinced the terrorists that they can gain nothing more by attacking us," said Worthington. "Not until we relax or take time to think will they attack. And then they they will strike, strike, strike and kill, kill, kill. "

According to DHS guidelines, Americans should periodically worry whether this minute or the next will bring each of us a horrible, painful death; or bring the life of one of our loved ones t0 an agonizing, terrifying end; or result in the the tragic death of some innocent stranger half-way across the world.

"We can only prevent terrorism by being terrified," Worthington said, "and the Department of Homeland Stupidity is leading the way."

McCain gaffes are not news

CBS, NBC, ABC and Fox news have all defended their policy of not covering any of John McCain's recent gaffes."We cover news," said Carlton Townes, on behalf of the networks. "When the same thing happens every day it's not news."

"Let McCain get some facts straight, or make a coherent argument, that will be news and we'll cover it," he continued. "Let Obama make a stupid mistake, or say something dumb, then that will be news, and we'll cover that too."

"Our job is not to report the facts. It's to report the news."

McCain admits Bill Clinton worse than torture

Under relentless questioning by an entity describing itself as “the spirit of Tim Russert,” presumptive Republican candidate John McCain has acknowledged that being shot down in an airplane, beaten by a crowd of angry Vietnamese, submitting to torture, and dealing with the psychological consequences of his confession as an “air pirate” was “a walk in the park” compared to having to deal with Bill Clinton.

“I don’t know how Obama does it,” said a visibly upset McCain, “and Hillary’s strength of character is beyond anyone’s understanding. If I had to deal with Bill Clinton for even ten minutes I’d sign anything he asked. And if he didn’t leave me alone I’d kill myself after twenty.”

McCain, however was adamant that the ability to deal with Bill Clinton did not quality either Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton to be president nor did the inability disqualify McCain. “As President I will be called upon to deal with terrorists, the heads of hostile states like Kim Jong Il and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, as well as terrorist, terrorists, terrorists and terrorists. And I can do it. Just not Bill Clinton.”

Plan to stop climate change has unexpected benefits

While some are bemoaning record-breaking oil and gasoline prices, Bush administration officials are smiling. “Our market based approach for solving our nation’s problems is clearly working,” said one. “Without increasing taxes or creating a vast bureaucracy we have reduced green house gas emissions, decreased highway fatalities, increased the time that Americans spend with their families, eliminated major sources of air-pollution, reduced the environmental impact of visitors to our national park system, decreased the cost of maintaining our Interstate highway system, relieved overcrowded airports, reduced obesity, and encouraged more young men and women to join our nation’s military.”

Insiders also credit the program with making renewable energy sources—including solar, wind, and geothermal—more attractive, and with encouraging Americans to make lifestyle changes—such as freezing and starving—that will reduce the amount of oil they use.

As gasoline moves steadily toward the administration’s initial target price, $15 a gallon, analysts expect to see large numbers of gas guzzling SUVs replaced by a smaller number of fuel-efficient compact hybrids; to see large energy-wasting resource-consuming McMansions abandoned in favor of small, energy-efficient, recycled cardboard boxes; and to see millions of fat, lethargic Americans turned into lean, agile participants in an increasingly green and global economy.

Last minute Lakers heroics cut Celtics lead to 39

Los Angeles Lakers Luke Walton’s clutch free throw, made with just 30 seconds left in the game, destroyed the Boston Celtics hopes of beating the Lakers by more than 40 points in the sixth game of this year’s NBA Finals. The free throw capped off a 7-3 Lakers surge during the final, exciting, 1:22 and cut the Celtics lead from a game high 43 points to a mere 39. A Jordan Farmar three-point shot and a Sasha Vujacic jumper rounded out the flurry of Lakers scoring.

“Speaking as the world’s greatest basketball player,” said Lakers guard Kobe Bryant, the world’s greatest basketball player, “it was great to see the other guys step up and cut into the Celtics lead.” Bryant, who left the game at the 2:21 mark with 22 points was replaced by Vujacic who had scored 5 critical points before his last minute jumper ballooned his point total to 7.

“We couldn’t get it done,” said crestfallen Celtics forward Kevin Garnett. “We had a chance to make history, and we blew it. Winning the championship is some consolation, but you get a chance to beat the Lakers by more than 40 points about once a century. We flat out weren’t able to hold them off.”

“It would have been easy for our guys to give up when they were 43 points behind,” said Lakers coach Phil Jackson, “but they never quit. They stepped up. They did what they needed to do, even with the world's greatest basketball player sitting on the bench. I'm proud of every member of our team, especially the world's greatest basketball player, who was willing to let his teammates show what they were made of.”

Obama to undergo sex change operation

In order to create unity within the Democratic Party, presumptive nominee Barack Obama has pledged to undergo a sex change operation to become the party’s first black and female candidate.

“Woman deserve more than the Vice Presidency,” said Obama to a cheering crowd. “Senator Clinton’s tireless campaigning has earned women the right to be represented at the top of the ticket. To put Senator Clinton in a subordinate role would be an affront not only to her—but to women everywhere.”

“And while the candidate who has gotten the majority of delegate votes must be the nominee, that nominee can be both black and female if that candidate is willing to undergo a simple operation.”

“I am willing to undergo that operation, and as a female, to proudly carry on the work that Senator Clinton has started.”

“This is an important decision, and I have discussed it with my wife Michelle, who herself is a female, as are my two daughters both of whom are females, my white grandmother who is a female and who is descended from a long line of females.”

“I asked Michelle, ‘Can we make this kind of sacrifice for American?’ and do you know what Michelle said?”

“She said, ‘Yes we can.’”

Obama Iraq visit challenge a ploy

Presumptive Republican candidate John McCain has challenged Democratic front-runner, Barack Obama to visit Iraq. According to the Hillary Rodham Clinton campaign the invitation is a political ploy.

“If Senator Obama does not go to Iraq,” said Mary Dawes, an analyst for the Clinton campaign, “McCain will brand him a coward. If he does go, they will declare that Iraq is safe and McCain’s strategy has been a success. Either way, they believe, Senator Obama and the Democratic Party will lose.”

“But Senator Obama can turn the tables on McCain and help the Democratic Party win this election. He must take McCain’s challenge and go to Iraq. Then Senator Obama must make sure he is killed, ideally within just a few hours of arrival. That will prove that Iraq is not safe, that the Republicans have failed, and McCain was wrong. It also means that that Osama bin Laden wants John McCain to be elected President, not Barack Obama.”

“Once Senator Obama has been killed in the service of his nation and his party, Senator Clinton will deliver the funeral oration that she has rewritten to honor Senator Obama’s bravery; then she will become the Democratic nominee; then she will beat McCain in the November election; and then she will build a memorial in Senator Obama’s honor, the nation's first honoring an inexperienced Black Senator."

“Now it’s up to Senator Obama to decide: does he want his party to win, or not? And does he want a nice memorial?”

Plans for the memorial along with a link to the revised funeral oration will be posted soon at: http://www.hillaryclinton.com/obama_sacrifice_memorial.

Superdelegates votes auctioned on eBay

A group of superdelegates, calling themselves "Democratic market makers" have opened a site on eBay where they will sell vote pledges using the eBay auction system. Pledges will be auctioned each week until a Democratic candidate has been selected.

"We will accept bids from all qualified candidates, not just Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama," said Dean Furst, auction manager for the group. "That includes Dennis Kucinich, Ralph Nader, and also John McCain and Mitt Romney. Democrats may want to bid in order to end the nominating process. Republicans will want to bid to prolong it."

"Markets are what make democracy work," said presumptive Republican candidate John McCain, speaking about something entirely different, yet still quotable in this context.

Candidates disown political liabilities

“A man should live by his words,” said presidential hopeful Barack Obama, as he disowned both his black minister and his white grandmother. “When I said that I could no more disown Reverend Wright than I could disown my own white grandmother, I meant it” he explained. “America’s leaders must avoid sentimental attachments if those attachments stand in the way of governing.”

“I hoped someone would say that,” replied presumptive nominee John McCain, as he filed papers formally disowning President George W. Bush.

“While I still do not believe that Senator Obama is experienced, electable, or half white,” said Democratic candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton, “I am taking this opportunity to disown my husband, Bill; my entire campaign staff; my husband, Bill; the millions of voters who did not and will not vote for me; and, of course, my husband, Bill.”

Latest Clinton strategy planned

The latest example of aggressive, winner-take-all, bare-knuckle politics from the Hillary Rodham Clinton team is their new campaign: “Vote for the bitch.”

The campaign includes videos, buttons and placards that celebrate Hillary’s meanness, spitefulness, and nastiness, and point out how those qualities will serve the American people when she is elected president.

“America doesn’t want someone who is going to bake cookies for Osama bin Laden. We want someone who is going to rip his balls off,’ said Miranda DeWitt, who designed the campaign. “Hillary’s the one to do it.”

Obama considers dual candidacy

In an effort to capture more votes from whites while retaining strong support in the black community, candidate Barack Obama is considering a plan to run as two candidates.”

Obama staff are investigating the possibility of listing Obama twice on each ballot, once as Barack Obama and once as either Barry O’Bama or Barry Alabama.

The campaign is running focus groups to see which name is most attractive to the target demographic--stupid white voters--which numbers in the tens of millions, favors John McCain, and could determine the election.

McCain accuses Obama of flip-flopping on race

Presidential contender Barack Obama has been flip-flopping on race, says presumptive Republican candidate John McCain.

“One week he tries to appeal to white voters by saying he says he’s half white,” said McCain. “The next week he panders to black voters by saying he’s half black.”

“This is the kind of flip-flopping and issue-avoidance we’ve come to expect from Democrats.”

When asked about his own racial background, McCain said: “When you’ve been captured by the Vietnamese, held prisoner for hundreds of years and tortured thousands of times, race is no longer an issue.”

Clinton: I will be best candidate after the Obama assassination

In a speech that supporters described as “inspiring,” Hillary Rodham Clinton has announced that she will continue her campaign, not to win the nomination, but to give the Party it strongest candidate after Barack Obama’s assassination.

“Whether Obama is assassinated before the convention or whether he is assassinated while campaigning, the Democratic Party will need a candidate who is ready on day one—the day after the assassination” said Clinton.

“I am that candidate.”

“We will need someone who has prepared an inspiring funeral oration, who has practiced for months on end, and who will deliver it with energy and fire.”

“I am that person.”

“I am prepared to hunt down the assassins, even if they turn out to have been members of my own campaign. And when they are found, I will see that they get what they deserve.”

“I will unify the Party around the memory of the man who will have given his life to pursue the dream that I will carry forward, only less naively and more competently than he would have.”

“This is my pledge.”

Obama more white than black

In an effort to help their candidate’s appeal to racist white voters, the Barack Obama’s campaign has announced that scientific studies show that Obama is more white than black, and have started an advertising campaign publicizing the news.

“Barack Obama’s white genes come from his white mother and his black genes come from his black father,” said Professor Howard R. Middleton, a geneticist working for the campaign. “This means he that although his 22 evenly paired chromosomes have genes that are split 50:50—half from his mother and half from his father, But Obama, like every male has a 23rd pair with an X chromosome from his mother paired with a smaller Y chromosome from his father. Since the X chromosome, the white X chromosome, has more genes than the black Y chromosome, Obama is as much as 3% whiter than he is black.”

“This is good news indeed,” said Dale, “Joe Billy Bob” Spawnbrook, head of White Racists for Obama, a confused political organization headquartered in Biloxi, Mississippi.

The Obama campaign’s now must get the news out to the voting public and they are doing it with a new advertising campaign. The new ads show Obama surrounded by white people and close with one of two tag lines “Obama: not as black as he looks," and “Obama: whiter than you think.”

“We believe that this will help us in many districts,” said LaDawn Miller, a campaign strategist, “especially districts that are full of the kinds of embittered, racist, pin-headed, small-town yahoos that have voted for honkies like Hillary Clinton and in the past and that ofay John McCain in the future”

Obama to pre-empt McCain by attacking self

Democratic front-runner Barack Obama plans to limit the damage caused by attacks from the presumptive Republican nominee John McCain by attacking himself first.

“The American people know there are problems in everyone’s past,” said an Obama staffer. “The important thing is to get those problems out in the open. Once the American people get over the initial shock, they pretty much forget about it. The way to prevent an 11^th hour scandal from hurting Senator Obama is by creating that today, at 3:00.”

To head off McCain’s attacks, the Obama campaign is readying a series of advertisements highlighting out Obama’s character flaws, lack of experience, and blackness. “We’re going to start off by showing he’s not fit to be President,” said a spokesperson, “and we’re going hammer that message until people start tuning it out. Then at the 11’th hour, it will be time to attack McCain.”

The McCain campaign is readying their early self-attack campaign. The first ad has news clips of McCain’s singing “Bomb Iran” saying we will be in Iraq for 100 years, and forgetting what country is which. Staffers are debating which closing line to use: “Vote for McCain, because he’s even dumber than Bush” or “Vote for McCain. He sucks.”

Hamas begins “Operation Chaos”

The Wolf Report has learned that the Islamic radical group Hamas has developed a plan intended to derail the electoral process in the United States. The plan is called “Operation Chaos,” only it's called that in Arabic not English, because that’s the language that Hamasians, or whatever they call themselves, speak.

Operation Chaos was created by the popular Arabic talk-show host Rashid Al-Imbah who is encouraging all the Hamasians in his listening audience to tell Western reporters that they prefer Barack Obama to John McCain as President of the United States. According to Al-Imbah, gullible Western reporters will write stories that gullible American voters will read, then swallow, and then vote for McCain, the candidate that Rashid Al-Imbah and Hamas really want to see in power.

“If elected, McCain will continue to use the tried and tested Bush strategy,” said Al-Imbah, “and he will get the same results: the anger of Arabs, the alienation of America’s and Israel’s allies, mountains of debt, and thousands of wounded soldiers who will be a tax on the American economy for years to come.”

“We want to see the Bush plan continue,” Al-Imbah said. “Obama is dangerous because he may do something that is better for America, and worse for Hamas. Hamas must support Obama and get McCain elected.”