The Department of Homeland Insecurity has announced that the old five-color threat awareness system, sometimes called "The Traffic Lights of Death" will be retired. In its place the department has unveiled a new warning system that is "more appropriate to al-Qaeda's expanded tactics.
Using the new system, the nation's entire threat posture can be characterized using a single image created by choosing colors singly or in pairs from a palate of 75 federally approved colors, and combining them with one or more of the one hundred patterns and textures currently authorized by the Department. New colors and textures will be added as new threats are imagined.
The threat status within the image can be interpreted in two levels. First, the basic threat status can be interpreted using the 200 page Department of Homeland Insecurity manual, called the Feng Shui of Modern Threats. The details of the threat can be understood using the Department's five volume set called Modern Terror Explained.
These documents will not be released to the public but will instead continue to be classified SECRET, according to a Department of Insecurity spokesman. This must be done “to keep this wily enemy from using our own threat warning system against us.”
Today's threat status is mauve and puce on a classic Williamsburg brick texture.
1 comment:
First comment from Elaine: what about the people who are color-blind? Assuming these colors/shades/blends of other colors are put out there, how would these people ever know?
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